Wednesday, December 17, 2003        Edition: #2689
Our Sheet Don’t Stink!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Formal charges against Michael Jackson will be filed either TODAY or tomorrow, according to Court TV . . . Even so, 58% of people surveyed in a new Gallup poll think Jackson should continue making music, even though 51% think he’s guilty of sexual abuse (hey, it never slowed R Kelly down) . . . Joe & Katherine Jackson reportedly demanded cash for their participation in that interview defending son Michael that appeared on ABC’s “20/20″ LAST WEEK (ah, it was a paid endorsement!) . . . The Yoko-Paul feud is apparently on again – Paul McCartney is said to be furious his name has been removed from the songwriting credit for “Give Peace A Chance” on the new “Lennon Legend” DVD (didn’t John & Yoko think that dumb ditty up during a hotel room bed-in?) . . . The latest business venture for Heidi Fleiss is a boutique called – what else? – “Hollywood Madam”, that sells personal items such as underwear with the slogan ‘Heidi’s #1 Girl’ emblazoned on it (perfect gift idea for your teenage daughter) . . . 57-year-old “Something’s Got to Give” actress Diane Keaton says reports she’s planning to wed co-star Jack Nicholson are not true — in fact, she claims, they’re just ‘good friends’ . . . Liza Minnelli’s estranged hubby David Gest offered to do a tell-all about the relationship for “60 Minutes” – and was turned down cold (wow, maybe there is still some integrity left on news magazine shows) . . . And P Diddy says he’ll likely never run another marathon because he’s worried about permanent damage to his feet – he’s lost 2 toenails since running the NYC Marathon (ewwww, spare the details!).

OPENING IN THEATERS TODAY:
“The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King” (Fantasy): Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen & Viggo Mortensen return in the 3rd and final chapter of JRR Tolkien’s trilogy. A few notes …
• THIS MORNING there were 2,001 midnight screenings of the movie worldwide.
• The storyline involves the former Fellowship of the Ring preparing for the final battle for Middle Earth, while ‘Frodo’ & ‘Sam’ approach Mount Doom to destroy the One Ring.
• The longest (3 hours, 21 minutes) and most complicated of the 3 “Rings” films, “Return of the King” will also likely become the biggest moneymaker. The previous 2 films have grossed over $1.8 billion worldwide.
•  The battle scenes are so huge, they reportedly contain over 200,000 digital participants.
• Actor Andy Serkis says he got his inspiration for ‘Gollum’s’ voice from observing his cats hack up hairballs.
• There’s a general feeling in Hollywood that for this film, director Peter Jackson is finally due to win an Academy Award.
• Peter Jackson is having ‘Bilbo’ & ‘Frodo Baggins’ home ‘Bag End’ installed in the backyard of his Masterton, New Zealand mansion.

SPIDER HOLE ACTION FIGURES:
The Hero Builders Website is already selling an action figure of a bearded and bedraggled Saddam. The 12-inch doll. decked out in an ace of spades T-shirt, costs $29.95. Also available – a Saddam action figure with a moustache, which can be fitted with S&M gear at an extra charge (huh?), and Saddam’s son, Uday, with 2 heads, one before his death in a shootout and the other after.
NET: http://herobuilders.com

THE REASON FOR YOUR CHARLIE BROWN TREE:
“New Scientist” reports that extra nutrients in atmospheric pollution are tricking Christmas trees into growing into a stubby, bushy shape. Norway spruce are already known to grow abnormally in more polluted areas, resulting in shorter, bushier plants. New University of Cambridge research shows that nitrogen compounds, often released by intensive animal farming, might be the reason.

NO CHOCOLATE BAR SALE THIS YEAR:
An extremely dedicated (and perhaps slightly wacko) 41-year-old  teacher in Mexico City has come up with a strange new twist on school fund-raising – selling one of his kidneys. He’s asking $55,000, which he says he’d donate to build 3 new classrooms at his elementary school.

BS SEASONAL STATS:
• We send an average of 41 holiday cards each. (And receive about 4.)
• 72% of women send holiday season cards, but just 60% of men. (And we’re really thankful Aunt Margaret sent along a ‘family letter’ with a chronological list of health problems through 2003.)
• 1 in 4 of us has a bout with holiday depression this time of year. (Why d’ya think they invented egg nog?)
• A survey finds the favorite Christmas tunes are “Silent Night”, “Jingle Bells”, “White Christmas”, “Oh Holy Night” and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”. (Hey, what about the “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”?)

ALBERTA TO BE HOME TO GIANT BEAVER:
If the local Elks have their way, Castor AB (population 935) will erect a gigantic fibreglass beaver along Highway 12 on the way into town. ‘Castor’, after all, is the French name for beaver. Initial plans are for the beaver to stand about 4.5-meters-tall (15 feet) and cost around $30,000. Now they’re looking for a provincial grant. (What is it about rural Canada and giant objects by highways? There’s even a Website devoted to it …
NET: http://www.bigthings.ca

CHICKEN LITTLE WAS RIGHT!
Here’s something else to worry about – mega-cryo-meteors! Whazat? Ice balls that fall from the sky, perhaps one of the weirdest byproducts of global warming. They generally weigh 25 to 35 lbs but can be much larger. First detected in Spain 3 years ago, they’ve since been reported in a number of other countries. They occur mostly in January, February & March  – just a little ‘heads-up’ for you.

FOR THE RECORD:
A book by Massachusetts Institute of Technology scientist Michael Hawley has been certified by “Guinness World Records” as the ‘world’s largest published book’. Each copy of “Bhutan: A Visual Odyssey Across the Kingdom” measures 5-by-7 feet, weighs 133 lbs, and costs about $2,000 to produce. Hawley has received about 2 dozen orders for the book, which comes with an easel-like stand. (And its own dump truck.)

BS STARTLING STAT:
It’s estimated that 1.7 billion holiday season cards are sent worldwide. Most end up in landfill sites.

AND WE QUOTE:
“I would love to have boobs and a butt like Jennifer Lopez. But I can’t have them and I’m not going to have surgery, so there it is, guys.”
– Nicole Kidman in “Daily Mail”

THE BULL SHEET 12.17.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1930 [73] Bob Guccione, Brooklyn NY, skin mag publisher (“Penthouse”) who recently went bust

1946 [57] Eugene Levy, Hamilton ON, movie actor who’s had a busy year (“American Wedding”, “Dumb & Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd”, “A Mighty Wind”, “Bringing Down the House”)/former TV actor (‘Stan Shmenge’ and many other characters-“SCTV”)

1958 [45] Mike Mills, Orange County CA, rock bassist (REM-“Imitation Of Life”, “Losing My Religion”)

1967 [36] Vince Damphousse, Montréal QC, NHL forward (San Jose Sharks)

1970 [33] Sean Patrick Thomas, Wilmington DE, TV actor (‘Detective Temple Page’-”The District”)/movie actor (“Barbershop”, “Halloween: Resurrection”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Maple Syrup Day”, honoring the great Canadian taste treat that requires a second mortgage on your house to purchase. There are over 12,000 maple syrup producers in Canada, accounting for more than 85% of world production. The province of Québec is the world’s top-ranking maple syrup producer, accounting for more than 70% of all production.

TODAY the “First Flight Anniversary Celebration” will be held at Kill Devil Hills NC. A tradition since 1928, it honors the Wright Brothers’ flight at Kitty Hawk NC December 17th, 1903. 100 years ago at 10:35 am ET, the first sustained motorized aircraft flight travelled a total of 850 ft. Orville Wright was the pilot, winning the honors in a coin toss. Wilbur got to run alongside.

TODAY through January 3rd over 40,000 North American bird watchers will conduct the annual “Audubon Christmas Bird Count”. (“1,502 [bam!] … 1,501 …”)

TODAY is the 1st-ever  “International Day To End Violence Against Sex Workers”, when organizers are asking sex workers and their customers around-the-world to gather at 5 pm local time to honor prostitutes who have been killed while on-the-job. Participants at the events are invited to read poems about their favorite sex workers and hold candlelight vigils. (Sometimes you just know these events are gonna tank. Can you picture a throng of johns marching the street with protest signs?)

In ancient Rome, the week beginning TODAY was “Saturnalia”, the festival honoring Saturn the planter god, which was marked with these lasting traditions — the exchange of gifts, illumination of lights and the closing of businesses. Early Christian church leaders scheduled “Christmas” at this time of year partly to counteract this popular but disapproved pagan celebration.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1994 [09] Pop diva Céline Dion marries her manager Rene Angelil the same day as actress Heather Locklear marries rocker Richie Sambora

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1791 [212] A traffic regulation in NYC establishes the 1st ‘one way street’

1933 [70] 1st-ever NFL ‘Championship Game’ (Chicago Bears 23, NY Giants 21)

1959 [44] 1st movie to open simultaneously in major cities as “On The Beach” opens in 17 cities (TODAY “The Return Of The King” is opening in 17 countries)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1965 [38] ‘Largest-ever newspaper’, a Sunday edition of the “New York Times”, runs 946 pages but is modestly priced at just 50 cents (or 5 cents a pound)

1970 [33] St Bernard named ‘Benedictine Schwarzold Hof’ born which becomes ‘heaviest known dog’ at 137 kg (301 lbs)

2000 [03] WR Terrell Owens of San Francisco 49ers catches NFL-record 20 passes for 283 yards and a TD vs Chicago Bears, eclipsing previous record of 18 catches set by Tom Fears of LA Rams in 1950

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Chanukah begins (First Night)
[Fri] “Mona Lisa Smile” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Underdog Day
[Sun] Humbug Day
[Mon] First Day of Winter
This Week Is . . . International Language Week
This Month Is . . . Art & Architecture Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOU’VE ‘GROWN UP’:

• Your potted plants are alive … and you can’t smoke any of them.
• You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
• 6 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
• Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
• Having sex in a twin-size bed seems absurd.
• You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
• Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up.’
• You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
• Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
• You’ve actually heard your favorite song on an elevator.

BS SANTA SURVEY:
Ask a kid, any kid …
• “How does Santa’s huge body fit through those tiny chimneys?”
• “What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?”
• “What exactly are ‘reindeer games’?”
• “Who brings Santa his Christmas gifts?”
• “Why does Santa only work one night a year?”
• “What does Santa do when he’s not delivering presents?”

BS WEB GOODIE:
Hate your name? Rename yourself with this ‘Random Name Generator’ that takes into account your main personality trait. A new moniker full of pizzaz is just a click away!
NET: http://www.babynames.com/V5/index.php?content=f_ren

BS BLATANT JOKE:
This is a true story: the manager of a fast-food restaurant in Booneville AR who was tied up during a robbery was forced to dial 911 – with his tongue. Now his phone’s ringing off the hook with date offers!

BS TRIVIA:
Q: What book is subtitled “Being a Ghost Story of Christmas”?
A: Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”, first published 160 years ago THIS WEEK (1843).

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A very small percentage of us claim to do THIS in the kitchen.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Our ironing.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Life not only begins at 40 … it begins to show.

WELCOME NEW SHEETERS!
“BS” salutes some of our newest subscribers – JJ McKay @ KOOL 105 Denver CO and Teresa Rodrigues @ KHFM Albuquerque NM, and we welcome aboard “BS” samplers this week that include Laurie Michaels @ KISM Bellingham WA, Neil McManus @ WNSA Buffalo NY, Tyler Russell @ CKWA Slave Lake AB, Craig Picton @ CHSN Estevan SK, Leo Da Estrela @ CFQR Verdun QC, Debbie Dowsland @ KAZE Tyler TX, and Atilla Sabo @ OLDIES 104.3 WOMC Detroit MI. Remember, we give you ONE MONTH FREE of service for each and every new subscriber you refer!


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