Friday, December 12, 2003        Edition: #2686
We’ve Got Our Sheet Together!

TODAY [Sir] Mick Jagger officially collects his knighthood at Buckingham Palace, and will bring his 90-year-old father Joe along to witness it (the old guy’s probably still in shock) . . . TONIGHT Michael Jackson’s parents, Katherine & Joe Jackson, appear on ABC-TV’s “20/ 20” to explain what a normal lad he is (wonder if there’ll be any fistfights?)  . . . SUNDAY’S live reunion show immediately following the finale of “Survivor: The Pearl Islands” has been moved to LA after the planned location, a 325-year-old convent in Panama, collapsed beyond repair (the winner not only gets a million bucks, but a spot on the next series pitting previous winners against one another) . . . The word on why J-Lo was dropped by designer label Louis Vuitton – she reportedly walked away with thousands of dollars worth of goodies after a photo shoot (it’s called ‘pulling a Winona’) . . . Enrique Iglesias & Anna Kournikova are back on again – she agreeing to spend Christmas with he at his mother’s home in Madrid, Spain (after he sent her definitive photographic evidence that the ugly mole is gone)  . . . Nicole Kidman is said to be planning for motherhood one more time –  because she wants to join her sister as a mother of 3 (apparently they‘re keeping score) . . . Paris Hilton’s kid sister [and party pal] Nicky turned down the co-starring role on “The Simple Life” that went to Nicole Richie, but says she’s now working on a show of her own – a ‘pop culture talk show’ . . . And because we really must know, actress Liv Tyler tells us she filmed “The Lord Of The Rings” wearing no pants, wearing only knee-length socks and Converse All Star trainers under her robes (gee, thanks for sharing!).

• “Stuck On You” (Comedy): Another strange Farrelly Bros movie, this time about a pair of conjoined twins (Matt Damon & Greg Kinear) who move to LA because one of them has dreams of making it big in show biz. They do find fame and fortune by landing a job on Cher’s TV show, but the success threatens to … er … well, pull them apart.
• “Something’s Gotta Give” (Romantic Comedy): An old rascal music industry exec (Jack Nicholson) has a heart attack at the home of his trophy girlfriend’s mother (Diane Keaton). While he’s there, he falls in love with the mom, but so does his young doctor (Keanu Reeves). Diane Keaton does her first fully nude scene – at the age of 57.
• “Love Don’t Cost A Thing” (Romantic Comedy): Highschool loser (Nick Cannon) pays a cheerleader (Christina Milian) to pose as his girlfriend so he can be considered cool. Guess what? He discovers it pays to be yourself. (A remake of 1987’s “Can’t Buy Me Love”, starring Patrick Dempsey.)
• “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” (Fantasy): Following last week’s re-release of chapter 1, this 2nd epic in the trilogy returns to theaters for a week to help hype the hell out of the worldwide opening of the 3rd, “The Return of the King”, next WEDNESDAY.

You got Christmas tree sap on the carpet! What can you do to clean it up? Sprinkle some dry baking soda on the spot, brush lightly, and then use a damp cloth.

Christmas cards may never be the same thanks to ‘Polka Dot Greetingwear’. The new greeting cards come with the inside message printed on – a thong. For instance, one has ‘Round yon …’ printed on the outside and ‘Virgin’ on the sexy black thong inside. Another says ‘Peace On Earth’ on the outside and ‘Goodwill Toward Men’ on the undies inside. Inventors Kim Leone & Ann Mohler say the idea came up while they were joking about funny things they’d like to see printed on underwear. What’s it cost to offend someone near-and-dear with a panty card? $18.95 a pop.

Harvard Medical School scientists have managed to turn stem cells from mice into primitive sperm cells, and then use them to fertilize eggs. Why bother? The journal “Nature” says they’re hoping to someday use them to create ‘replacement parts’ for people suffering from illnesses such as Parkinson’s disease and diabetes. (Michael Jackson’s said to be interested.)

Thanks to a government crackdown on drunk driving, restaurants in France have begun offering diners a ‘doggy bag’ (un ‘sac de chien’?) for unfinished wine. Some 500 restaurants across the country now offer to repackage leftover wine by re-corking the bottle and using a special pump to extract air. The bottle is then slipped into a discrete bag for transport. (Wine in a paper bag – how elegant!)

Some tips for choosing a Christmas tree …
• Bend the needles. If the tree is fresh they’ll spring back.
• Grab a branch and pull toward you. If it’s dry, you’ll end up with a pile of needles in your hand.
• Lift the tree by the trunk and thump it on the ground. A dry tree will rain down green needles.
Source: “The Know-It-All’s Guide to Life”

A new Italian study shows that young people who regularly train and compete in sports are more than twice as likely to experience sudden death than non-athletes. It’s not that sport endangers athletes’ lives, say University of  Padua researchers, but it can trigger heart conditions that were previously undetected. (Ah, another reason not to jog today!)

Gift certificates are now the #1 gift of choice to both give and receive, according to a Berrier Associates retail poll.

• “I haven’t seen it. I mean, I lived it. I don’t need to see it!” – Sum 41 singer Deryck Whibley on the Paris Hilton sex video, in “National Post’.
• “I don’t want to step out on stage with someone wearing a f–ing coronet and sporting the old ermine. I told Mick, ‘It’s a f–ing paltry honor’.” – Rolling Stone Keith Richards ranting on about Mick Jagger being knighted, in “Uncut” magazine.


1923 [80] Bob Barker, Darrington WA, TV host (TV’s longest-running game show-“The Price is Right” since 1972, “Truth or Consequences” 1956-1974)  FACTOID: On TODAY’S [pre-taped] show, he’s joined by ‘Barker’s Beauties’ as he celebrates his 80th birthday. He’s been dropping hints lately that he may soon retire. (What the heck – the models have all been groped.)

1970 [33] Jennifer Connelly, Catskill Mountains NY (“Hulk”, Oscar-“A Beautiful Mind”) who wed actor Paul Bettany (“Master & Commander”) in JANUARY

1974 [29] Rey Mysterio Jr (Oscar Guitterez), San Diego CA, WWE wrestler (at 5′-3″ he’s considered the shortest professional wrestler) whose signature move is the ‘619′, named after the area code for his hometown

1977 [26] Bridget Hall, Springdale AR, model (“Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show”) who’s appeared in over 200 fashion magazines and is on “Forbes” top 10 list of money-making clothes-horses

1925 [78] Dick Van Dyke, West Plains MO, ex-TV actor (“Diagnosis Murder” 1993-2001, 3 Emmy Awards-“The Dick Van Dyke Show” (1971-74 & 1961-66)/movie actor (Grammy Award-“Mary Poppins”, “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”)/Broadway actor (Tony Award-“Bye Bye Birdie”)

1929 [74] Christopher Plummer, Toronto ON, movie actor (“A Beautiful Mind”, “The Sound of Music”)/TV actor (Emmy Award-“The Moneychangers”)/stage actor (“Barrymore”, Tony Award-“Cyrano”)

1943 [60] Ferguson Jenkins, Chatham ON, retired MLB pitcher (Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame-1987/MLB Baseball Hall of Fame-1st Canadian inductee in 1991)/3,192 career strike-outs/1971 Cy Young Award-Chicago Cubs/20-game winner 7 times

1949 [54] Randy Owen, Ft Payne AL, retiring country singer with 41 #1 hits (Alabama-“Say I”, “Close Enough to Perfect”)

1957 [46] Steve Buscemi, Brooklyn NY, movie actor (“Spy Kids 2 & 3, “Mr Deeds”, “Fargo”)

1967 [36] Jamie Foxx, Terrell TX, comedian/movie actor (“Ali”, “Any Given Sunday”)  UPCOMING: Plays blues legend Ray Charles in the biopic “Unchain My Heart”.

1975 [28] Tom DeLonge, Poway CA, rock singer (Blink 182-“Feeling This”, “What’s My Age Again?”)

TODAY Prime Minister Jean Chrétien finally steps down after holding the entire country hostage for a decade. He’ll likely go down in Canadian history as a great professional politician, with almost 40 years in politics. Interesting that the new PM actually has the initials PM … Paul Martin. So what was Chrétien’s greatest accomplishment? Adapting Inuit art as a weapon? Throttling and pepper-spraying demonstrators? Surviving 10 years?

TODAY is one of Mexico’s major celebrations, “Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe”. The holiday has been observed since 1746 to honor the country’s patron saint, the ‘Dark Virgin of Guadalupe’ (and patron saint of Corona beer). An estimated 10 million visit her basilica in Mexico City annually.

TODAY is “Poinsettia Day”, honoring Dr Joel Roberts Poinsett (1799-1851), the American diplomat who introduced us to the Central American plant named for him in 1828. It’s now a favorite decoration during the holiday season. In fact, close to 60 million poinsettias are now grown in North America each year. There’s an urban legend that poinsettia plants are poisonous to humans. Wrong! In fact, a 50-lb child would have to eat 500 to 600 leaves to reach a danger level, according to the Poisindex Information Service.

TODAY is “National Ding-a-Ling Day”, to remind us that ‘ding-a-lings’ are wonderful, friendly, loving and desirable. (But SOOOOOO dumb!)

TOMORROW is “Count the LAs in Deck the Halls Day” (‘Fa-la la-la, la la-la la …’), so you can tell everybody you know how many LAs there are. Be careful – don’t count any FAs!

TOMORROW is “St Lucy’s Day”, honoring her 304 AD birth. Legend has it that, in order to follow a life of religious devotion, she cut out her eyes and sent them on a plate to a persistent lover who was haunted by them (especially afterward!). To celebrate, hotels in Sweden each feature their own ‘Lucia’, a young blond girl in white gown who serves guests coffee and lussekatter (saffron buns).

THIS WEEKEND the annual “Festival of Whirling Dervishes” spins in Konya, Turkey. Traditionally-dressed male dancers present their ‘sena’ or whirling ceremony when they spin in tight circles to achieve mystical union with heaven. This dizzy custom goes back 700 years.

1899 [104] 1st ‘golf tee’ patented by George Grant of Boston (1st time he uses it, he forgets to pick it up and loses it)

1925 [78] 1st ‘motel’ opens, the Milestone Mo-Tel [later renamed ‘Motel Inn’] in San Luis Obispo CA (‘Mr & Mrs John Smith’ are 1st to check in)

1946 [57] ‘Tide’ detergent 1st marketed

1919 [84] ‘Record cold snap’ in Vancouver & Seattle as temperature drops to -23 C (-10 F) and Fraser River freezes completely over so cars are able to drive across

1976 [27] Last NFL team to go ‘winless’ for an entire season as Tampa Bay Buccaneers go 0-14

1981 [22] Wayne Gretzky scores NHL’s quickest 50 goals (in just 39 games)

[Sun] Tell Someone They’re Doing a Good Job Week
[Sun] “Survivor: Pearl Islands” finale
[Sun] National Bouillabaisse Day
[Tues] “Lord of the Rings” Marathon (all 3 films screen in select theaters)
[Tues] National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
[Tues] “Seabiscuit” DVD release
[Wed] “The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King” opens in movie theaters
This Week Is . . . National Drunk Drivers Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . International Calendar Awareness Month (if you live by the calendar, your days are numbered)


Someone said dating is when you pretend you’re someone you’re not, to impress somebody you don’t even know. And thanks to friends who try to hook you up, you’ll be told …
• “She has strong family ties.” (She’s a Mafia princess.)
• “She just loves children.” (She’s pregnant and needs a husband.)
• “She’s the outdoor type” (She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys.)
• “She’s ready to settle down.” (She’s 35, in a state of panic, and dying to marry.)
• “She’s not overly emotional” (She only cries 27 times a day.)
• “She’s traveled a lot.” (She’s got a lot of miles on her.)

Have a contestant try to complete the next line to these popular holiday season songs …
• “Ten pipers piping, Nine drummers drumming …” [“Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming.”]
• “We three kings of orient are, Bearing gifts we traverse afar …” [“Field and fountain, moor and mountain, Following yonder star.”]
• “Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la, la la la, la la la …” [“Troll the ancient Yuletide carol, Fa la la la la la, la la la la.”]
• “Here we come a-wassailing …” [“Among the leaves so green.”]
• “Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh …” [“Through the fields we go, laughing all the way.”]
• “Oh, the weather outside is frightful, But the fire is so delightful …” [“And since we’ve no place to go, Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.”]
• “Thumpetty thump thump, thumpetty thump thump …” [“Look at Frosty go” or “Over the hills of snow.”]

• The following program is being smuggled to you right under the noses of the CRTC.
• I got a calculator and now I can’t add without it. I got a spell-checker and now I can’t spell anymore. I got a blow dryer and now my hair won’t dry on its own.

Today’s Question: Hosting a holiday party this weekend? Stats say that 40% of your guests will do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

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