Thursday, December 11, 2003        Edition: #2685
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!

Sharon Osbourne will be absent from her TV talk show indefinitely while injured hubby Ozzy recuperates in UK hospital, and among the guest hosts filling in will be – son Jack (who apparently doesn’t give a crap about the old man) . . . Word has it actress Nicole Kidman has rented the entire Wakaya Club in Fiji for the holiday season and has invited ex-hubby Tom Cruise AND his girlfriend Penelope Cruz to spend Christmas together with their kids on the resort island (adding new meaning to ‘dysfunctional family’) . . . Classic rocker Peter Gabriel is suing a building contractor for $2.5 million because of delays which he claims has made it impossible to move into his $8-million Georgian townhouse in the Notting Hill section of London – for 12 years (time to call “Trading Spaces”, dude!) . . . Secret weddings seem to be the thing – first Gwynie & Chris Martin, and now 39-year-old Canadian jazz singer Diana Krall has apparently quietly wed 49-year-old Brit rocker Elvis Costello (her 1st, his 3rd) . . . “Pirates of the Caribbean“ is the best-selling live-action movie video EVER, selling 11 million DVD & VHS units in its 1st week . . . With tongue firmly planted in cheek, US Secretary of State Colin Powell has appointed ‘Godfather of Soul’ James Brown to the fictitious new diplomatic position of ‘Secretary of Soul & Foreign Minister of Funk’ (wasn’t this on “The West Wing”?) . . . And music freeloaders beware! –  Bradley Buckles, director of the US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms & Explosives, is leaving his job NEXT MONTH to become head of the RIAA’s ‘Anti-Piracy Unit’ (download a tune illegally in 2004 and burly guys with ‘APU’ on the back of their jackets will come busting in your front door!).

Uma Thurman is set to play opposite John Travolta in “Be Cool”, the sequel to the 1995 hit “Get Shorty” which begins filming in FEBRUARY (they famously teamed up in “Pulp Fiction”) . . . A soon-to-shoot indie flick called “Crash” (described as “Pulp Fiction” meets “Traffic”) has attracted a stellar ensemble cast that includes Sandra Bullock, Brendan Fraser, Matt Dillon, Ryan Phillippe, Ludacris & Thandie Newton . . . Peter Jackson’s remake of “King Kong” will star Aussie actress Naomi Watts (“The Ring”) as the big gorilla’s lady friend, the role originally played by Fay Wray in 1933 and Jessica Lange in 1976 . . . Speaking of animal attraction – Katie Holmes is in talks to co-star opposite Christian Bale in the new “Batman” movie . . . Britney Spears is set on making a movie based on her & her mother’s saccharine-sweet book, “A Mother’s Gift”, but now that Brit’s too old to play her younger self, she’ll oversee a nationwide casting call . . . And word has it Jerry Seinfeld will write, produce and star in an upcoming animated film about bees called, what else?, “Bee Movie” – at least, that’s the buzz.

1. Silver
2. White
3. Black
Making big gains – medium-dark gray, medium-dark green and bright red.
Source: DuPont automotive color study.

• 47% of women over age 45 would prefer a good sleep to good sex. (IMR MarketEffect)
• 51% of pet owners say they sing “Happy Birthday” to their pets. (American Animal Hospital Association)
• 16% of men won’t do their holiday shopping until Christmas Eve. (Circuit City)
• Most people say pizza is the food they ‘couldn’t live without’, followed by chocolate. (“Parade Magazine”)

The independent, nonprofit group ‘National Institute on Media & the Family’ is warning that so-called ‘killographic’ scenes are featured in several video games that can be accessed by children. ‘Killographic’ is defined as ‘graphic depiction of brutal violence’. In its 8th annual ‘MediaWise Video Game Report Card’, the group lists the games parents should help their kids avoid, led by “Manhunt”. (C’mon, if Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.)

Forget video games, what about the violence in … nursery rhymes? In THIS WEEK’S issue of the “Canadian Medical Association Journal”, a pair of Halifax researchers argue that classic nursery rhymes such as “Jack and Jill” and “10 Little Monkeys” could leave children with a seriously warped view about the consequences of head injuries. The more nursery rhymes you remember, the more you see their point …
• “It’s raining its pouring, the old man is snoring. He bumped his head on the end of the bed and he couldn’t get up in the morning …”
• “… When the bough breaks the cradle will fall, down will come baby, cradle and all.”
• “… Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horse and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.”

A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … that one reason women live longer than men is because they shop. A recent study suggests that shopping is not only good exercise for the body and brain, but helps to foster a positive self-image. (Really? Ever watch a woman check out a bikini in front of one of those 3-sided mirrors?)
• Scientists say … that short people may be more susceptible to hearing loss. Swedish researchers found that short guys in noisy work environments lose hearing twice as often as men of average height. They suggest a low level of growth hormone before birth could be to blame. (Or maybe it’s just easier to ‘keep an ear to the ground’?)
• Scientists say … that executives who place an equal amount of importance on personal life as they do work are more apt to be successful on the job and less stressed than those who are workaholics. A worldwide study shows that 34% of women and 21% of men have been smart enough to downsize their career aspirations for the sake of their families and personal lives. (Just before the divorce.)
• Scientists say … that seniors who do crossword puzzles have a much lower risk of dementia than those who don’t. (“Hey Wilma, what’s a 6-letter word for ‘old person’ that starts with ‘g’?”)
• Scientists say … that most farts are created from the air taken in while eating. Much of the gas that builds up in the bowels is odorless, such as nitrogen and hydrogen. But Japanese researchers have found that if there’s a prominent presence of cholesterol in the large intestine, the digestive process gives off vile smelling gasses like hydrogen sulfate and ammonia. (Oh, I thought the custodians had just been cleaning in here.)

Last summer, 36-year-old Englishman Robert Garside completed a 35,000-mile run across 6 continents, wearing out more than 50 pairs of running shoes along the way. His next feat – swimming 25,000 miles across all the world’s oceans and seas, an odyssey that may take 6 years. He plans to embark on the round-the-world swim starting in Greece next JUNE, during which he’ll sleep in an egg-shaped carbon fiber capsule that’s attached to his foot while he swims.

Dermatologists offer the following tips on how to minimize damage to your skin …
1. Wash your hands. You’ll be doing the dirty work with your fingers, so make sure they’re free from grime and bacteria which could further irritate your pimple.
2. Prep the pimple. Use a washcloth or bathroom paper towels. Run under hot water for a minute, squeeze out excess water, and then place over the pimple for 2 to 3 minutes. The heat of the compress will help bring the pore-clogging material to the surface, making it easier to squeeze out.
3. Wrap your fingers before performing the ‘operation’. Wind toilet paper or a tissue around each index finger.
Source: “Ladies’ Home Journal”

A British school looking for a new teacher has experienced an 80% increase in applications since the employment ad was changed to include the phrase, “Must like chocolate.”


1944 [59] Brenda Lee (Tarpley), Lithonia GA, 4′-9″ oldies singer (she was 16 when she recorded “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”)/Country Music Hall of Fame (1998)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2002)

1945-49 [54-58 tough to say – she lies!] Teri Garr, Lakewood OH, movie actress (“Michael”, “Tootsie”, “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”) who’s been battling MS since 1983

1966 [37] Gary Dourdan, Philadelphia PA, TV actor (‘CSI Warrick Brown’-“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” since 2000)

TODAY is “National Noodle Day”. Besides the versatile egg noodle, there are a gazillion types of pasta noodles including – angel hair, fettuccine, fusilli, gnocchi, lasagne, macaroni, manicotti, penne, rigatoni, rotini, spaghetti, vermicelli, and ziti. So what’s your fave?

For over 400 years, since 1602, TODAY has been celebrated as “Scaling Day” in Geneva, Switzerland. That’s when stores sell pot-shaped chocolate candies to represent the soup pots women used in medieval days to pour scalding water on any invaders attempting to ‘scale’ city walls. (Local children also chop melons with cleavers in gleeful re-creation of beheadings.)

1972 [31] Rock group Genesis debuts in a concert at Brandeis University in Massachusetts (includes Peter Gabriel, Phil Collins, Steve Hackett, Mike Rutherford, and Tony Banks)

1993 [10] Snoop Dogg’s “Doggy Style” album hits #1

1844 [159] 1st ‘dental anesthetic’, used by Dr John Riggs (before that … mallet to the forehead)

1946 [57] United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund (UNICEF) is established

2000 [03] 1st ‘owner/player’ in NHL history as Pittsburgh Penquins owner Mario Lemeiux announces he’s coming out of 3-plus-years of retirement to play again

1937 [66] Toronto beats Winnipeg 4-3 in the Grey Gup game played latest in the year (perhaps the ball shattering on kickoff convinced officials December was too cold?)

1985 [18] Edmonton Oilers beat Chicago Blackhawks 12-9 to tie NHL record for goals in a game (21) and set record for most points (goals and assists) at 62

2000 [03] Texas Rangers sign MLB shortstop Alex Rodriquez to a $252-million contract, the most money ever offered any athlete in any sport

[Fri] PM Jean Chretien steps down
[Fri] Poinsettia Day
[Fri] National Ding-A-Ling Day
[Sun] “Survivor: Pearl Islands” finale
[Sun] National Bouillabaisse Day
[Tues] “Lord of the Rings” Marathon (all 3 films screen in select theaters)
This Week Is . . . Human Rights Week
This Month Is . . . Stress-Free Family Holiday Month


• Are FedEx employees allowed to think outside the box?
• Hey, how come cartoon characters always wear white gloves?
• The instructions on shampoo say, ‘Lather. Rinse. Repeat’. If you actually did this, would you ever be able to stop?
• If you jogged backwards … would you gain weight?
• When they harvest mistletoe what do they do with the mistlefoot?

Contestants try to identify the Christmas tunes from the convoluted clues …
• “Oh Seasonal Tall Coniferous Plant“ [“Oh Christmas Tree“]
• “During The Dark Hours When Herdsman Supervised Their Charges” [“While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night“]
• “Are You Listening To What I Am Listening To?” [“Do You Hear What I Hear?”]
• ”Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During Mother Nature’s Dormancy” [“Walking in a Winter Wonderland”]
• “The Event Occurred Shortly After 11:59 pm, Visibility Unlimited” [“It Came Upon A Midnight Clear”]
• “Happy Elderly Martyr Without Five-Cent Pieces” [“Jolly Old Saint Nicholas”]
• “In Another Place Meant For Bovine Feed Storage” [“Away In A Manger”]
• “Please Permit Crystalline Formations To Descend” [“Let it Snow“]
• “Aging Matriarch Plowed Under By Quadraped” [“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”]
• ”Caribou With Vermilion Olfactory Appendage” [“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”]

2 of these are actual products on the consumer market, 1 isn’t. Ask your contestant to find the fake …
• ‘Grab the Cop’s Gun: A Game of Skill’ (FAKE)
• ‘The Waterproof Book For Adults’ (REAL)
• ‘The Fig Leaf Bathing Suit’ (REAL)

• ‘The F Word Dictionary’ (REAL)
• ‘The Amateur Vet Home Neutering Kit’ (FAKE)
• ‘The Edible Pencil’ (REAL)

• If one more person reminds me its “Stress Free Holidays Month”, I‘m gonna bite them!
• I like my coffee the way I like my women … in a plastic cup.
• Well, the boss seems to be in the holiday spirit. He threatened to deck me in the hall.
• I can’t imagine having any other boss. I can dream and wish, but I can’t imagine.

Today’s Question: The average one measures about 6-feet-tall and weighs 220 lbs. What is it?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Mall Santa.

Start every day with a smile … and get it over with.

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