Thursday, December 4, 2003        Edition: #2680
Sheet Happens!

Michael Jackson is reportedly so paranoid that Neverland may have been bugged by police, he’s ordered a complete sweep of the place, even having his teddy bears run through radio-frequency sensors . . . Word has it “Sex and the City” is scouting locations in Paris for the hit show’s final episode . . . A tabloid report says that 48-year-old Bruce Willis has proposed to 25-year-old girlfriend Brooke Burns (“Dog Eat Dog”) but his rep is saying it didn’t happen (and there’s no word on what she didn’t answer) . . . “All Shook Up”, a musical commissioned by the Elvis Presley estate and featuring a string of The King’s hits, is scheduled to open on Broadway in SPRING 2005 . . . A proposal for a “Lord Of The Rings Museum” in Wellington NZ to be filled with props and costumes from the film series has been nixed by the son of late author JRR Tolkien . . . Actress Geena Davis is expecting twins with 4th husband Dr Reeza Jarrahy – at age 46! . . . Movie hunk Ethan Hawke is said to be desperate to win back estranged wife Uma Thurman and will attempt to earn brownie points by spending Christmas with her and their 2 young children (how generous of him) . . . P Diddy has reportedly thrown a $400,000, 3-day boozy bash as a house-warming for the $35-million Miami hovel he recently bought from Mariah Carey’s ex, music mogul Tommy Mottola, which boasts the biggest private cinema in the world . . . Beyonce Knowles hopes to release a sequel to her debut solo album in MARCH . . . And actor Matt Damon claims his pal Ben Affleck never wants to see his face on a magazine cover again because the publicity he’s attracted this year has made him ‘sick of himself’ (dude, join the club!).

Wildman actor Colin Farrell managed to run up a $64,000 bill at Le Meridien Hotel in Marrakech, Morocco during the 2-week shoot for the upcoming movie epic “Alexander” – most of it in booze! . . . Bad actress-cum-bad-singer Hilary Duff begins shooting the teen music drama “Heart of Summer” in mid-January, about a small-town girl who spends a summer at an LA performing arts school . . . Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey & LL Cool J will co-star in the thriller “Edison”, about a journalist investigating corrupt cops, set to shoot in Vancouver beginning in late FEBRUARY . . . And the rich get richer – “Lord Of The Rings” director Peter Jackson begins production on a $200-million remake of “King Kong” NEXT MONTH, for which his take will be a giant-sized $32 million.

1. Julia Roberts/Cameron Diaz [$20 million per movie]
2. Nicole Kidman/Drew Barrymore/Reese Witherspoon [$15 million]
3. Halle Berry [$14 million]
4. Sandra Bullock/Angelina Jolie [$12-plus]
Source: “Hollywood Reporter’s” new ‘Women In Entertainment’ list.

• ‘3-Year Itch’ – An increasingly common phenomenon among dating couples in their mid-20s.  By year 3, they’re wondering where the relationship is headed and if there’s no clear answer, they split up!
• ‘Foamers’ – Railway jargon for train aficionados, aka ‘train-spotters’. They get so excited they seem to foam at the mouth when they see anything to do with trains. Could apply to anyone who’s gung-ho about anything.

Australian Andrew Larkey has launched the latest accessory for pampered pooches – ‘Dog Plus K-9 ‘ bottled water. The vitamin-enriched ‘sports drink’ comes in a variety of flavors: ‘chicken and corn’, ‘liver and bacon’ and ‘beef’. But why? Dogs get bored with plain water and deserve variety just as much as people, Larkey claims, even if it does cost 2 bucks a bottle. He’s now planning a similar line of drinks for cats for early NEXT YEAR, to be available in ‘roast chicken’ and ‘pork’ flavors. (What? No ‘dead sparrow’?)

Here’s a little something to look forward to – medical experts say that 1 out of every 3 women over age 45 pees when she sneezes … or lifts a heavy suitcase or swings a golf club (or basically moves). The biggest problem with this loss of control, called ‘stress urinary incontinence’, is that many of its victims, most of whom are women, are too ashamed to get treatment from their doctors. (Guys have similar problem with age. They move from forgetting to zip up … to forgetting to unzip.)

The 1st genetically-altered pet – a fish that glows in the dark – is set to begin appearing in stores NEXT MONTH. The so-called ‘GloFish’ was developed by scientists in Singapore who found they could turn the normally black-and-silver zebra fish a fluorescent green or red by inserting genes from jellyfish or a sea anemone. The tropical fish appear to glow under ultraviolet or black light. (Ah, so that’s how they get you! Fish … 85 cents. Accompanying aquarium black light … $399.)

A new music magazine called “Tracks” is aimed at people 30 and older who’ve grown out of “Rolling Stone” magazine but still like to collect music. The first issue features Sting on the cover  and the editors promise that new music by Springsteen and Dylan will always get top billing. The mag’s motto is ‘Music Built to Last’. (The music mag for people who need bifocals.)

• 5 ft-6 in, 106-lb ballerina Anastasia Volochkova, who was fired by Moscow’s Bolshoi Theater has finally been reinstated after a long battle over her dismissal – for being too fat. (106 lbs is too fat? How weak are the guys in this troupe?)
• A new album of Mao songs, including “The East Is Red”, has been compiled to mark the 110th anniversary of the birth of Mao Tsetung, who still has godlike status in some parts of China. The song collection is performed by 20-year-olds and includes a rap track. (“Why you so quiet, mousie got your tongue? …”)
• A new government initiative in Columbia is designed to divert the poor from the drug trade. Instead of tending illegal crops, they’re being encouraged to sew push-up bras and panties for a supermarket chain in France. (It’s the ‘Bong-to-Thong Program’.)
• Have you seen this bum? A burglar cleaned out an office in Darwin, Australia, leaving nothing behind except – photocopies of his (or perhaps her) butt. (What’s this wanted poster going to look like? Will there be a bum line-up … 5 guys doing the ‘bike rack’?)

• A new survey suggests that fully a third of us will toss at least one of our holiday gifts in the garbage. 35% expect to stuff at least one unwanted gift in a closet and never use it.
• Britney Spears has more Internet ‘hate sites’ dedicated to her than Saddam Hussein.
• A 6-foot Christmas tree requires 1 gallon of water every 2 days.

“Santa Claus has the right idea: Visit people once a year.” – Victor Borge


1940 [63] (Lady) Barbara Amiel, sometime newspaper & magazine columnist (“National Post”, “Macleans”)/Mrs Conrad Black (or as he’s now known – Lord Black of Crossharbour … and perhaps soon as inmate #44765)

1949 [54] Jeff Bridges, LA CA, movie actor (“Seabiscuit”, “The Mirror Has Two Faces”)/son of actor Lloyd Bridges/brother of actor Beau Bridges

1955 [48] Brian Prout, Troy NY, country singer (Diamond Rio-“Wrinkles”, “Beautiful Mess”)

1964 [39] Marisa Tomei, Brooklyn NY, film actress (“Anger Management“, Oscar-“My Cousin Vinny”)

1969 [34] Jay-Z (Shawn Carter), Brooklyn NY, producer/composer/supposedly retiring rap artist (“Change Clothes”, Pharrell f/Jay-Z-“Frontin”, Beyonce f/Jay-Z-“Crazy in Love”) who’s worked with Missy Elliott, Mary J Blige, Mariah Carey, etc etc

1973 [30] Tyra Banks, LA CA, 34C-23-35 fashion model (“Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show”, “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit edition)/sometime movie actress (“Halloween: Resurrection”, “Coyote Ugly”)

1981 [22] Lila McCann, Steilacoom WA, country singer (“Come a Little Closer”, “To Get Me to You”)

TODAY an event that used to be known as the “Rat Olympics” will be held at Nebraska Wesleyan University in Lincoln NE. After 29 years, the US Olympic Committee has forced the school to change the name, claiming it’s an infringement. Whatever it’s called, ‘Gidget’, ‘Sniffles’, ‘Arwen’, ‘Frances E Garfunkle’ and the rest of this year’s rats will compete for grub and glory in a variety of events that include the long jump, rope climb, tightrope walk, 5-yard hurdles and weightlifting. The winner of a contest to give the event a new name will also be announced TODAY. It’s temporarily being referred to as “the event formerly known as the Rat Olympics”.

TODAY is “National Cookie Day”, either celebrating the yummiest treat of all … or those annoying little bytes Websites dump into your PC to jam up the memory and invade your privacy. We’re guessing it’s the former. As poet Edgar Guest once wrote: “I’m sorry for people, whoever they are, who live in a house where there’s no cookie jar.” What’s the best kind of all? Chocolate chip? Oatmeal and raisin? Peanut butter with macadamia nuts? Soy and vanilla vegan treats?

TODAY is “Extraordinary Work Team Recognition Day”, a day for bosses to generously pass out ‘attaboys’. (Thereby saving on Christmas bonuses.)

TODAY is “St Barbara’s Day”, patron saint of firemen, architects, mathematicians, fireworks, miners, sailors, and against lightning, fire, explosions, and sudden death (whew!). Tradition has it that girls should place a cherry tree twig in a glass of water on this day. According to the old custom, if it blooms by Christmas Eve, they’ll marry in the next year.

TODAY is “Wear Brown Shoes Day” for some unknown reason. To get the full effect, make sure you wear ‘em with something black.

1980 [23] Rock supergroup Led Zeppelin disbands

1909 [94] 1st “Grey Cup” game (University of Toronto 26, Toronto Parkdale Canoe Club 6)

1920 [83] 1st American professional football playoff game (Buffalo 7, Canton 3)

1930 [73] Vatican 1st approves ‘rhythm method’ of birth control (unfortunately white people can’t get the hang of it)

1982 [11] 1st man killed by a bowling ball (hernia?)

[Fri] International Volunteer Day
[Sat] National Day of Remembrance & Action on Violence Against Women
[Sat] St Nicholas Day
[Mon] Bad Hair Day
[Tues] “Gigli” DVD release
This Week Is . . . Deaf Heritage Week
This Month Is . . . Art & Architecture Month


Contestant must complete [the next line] to these popular holiday season songs –
• “Have a holly jolly Christmas, it’s the best time of the year …” [“I don’t know if there’ll be snow but have a cup of cheer.”]
• “Oh what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen …” [“Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.”]
• “I’ll be home for Christmas, you can count on me …” [“Please have snow and mistletoe, and presents ’neath the tree.”]
• “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write …” [“May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white.”]
• “Come they told me …” [“Pa rum pum pum pum.”]
• “Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus lane …” [“Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pullin’ on the reins.”]
• “Thumpetty thump thump, thumpetty thump thump …” [“Look at Frosty go!” or “Over the hills of snow!”]
• “Gee if I could only have my two front teeth …” [“Then I could wish you Merry Chrithmath!”]
• “You’re a mean one Mr Grinch, you really are a heel …” [“You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel.”]
• “And so I’m offering this simple phrase to kids from one to ninety-two …” [“Although it’s been said many times, many ways, Merry Christmas to you.”]

The ‘How Christmas Works’ Webpage features a complete guide to Christmas traditions. Surprise, surprise … a lot of them turn out to be pagan – just like many of our other holidays.

• We got a really good deal on a Christmas tree this year. We made it from a broom handle, a bunch of coat hangers and needles we found in the Dirt Devil.
• We got a really good deal on a Christmas tree this year. It’s very, very small and says ‘Air Freshener’ on it.
• I use to wake up crabby … now I just let her sleep.
• This morning we’re starting up a new lottery ticket service. Just send me the dollar, and I’ll tell you that you didn’t win.
• Remember: If each day you add 1 new word to your vocabulary, in just one year your friends will wonder what the hell you’re talking about.

Today’s Question: We all do THIS during the holiday season. 6% of us, however, say we’d gladly have someone else handle it for us.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Interact with the family.

Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

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