December 2, 2003

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December 02, 2003        Edition: #2678
Can You Believe This Sheet?

TONIGHT you’ll be able to see 22-year-old Paris Hilton on the screen – only this time she’ll be wearing clothes – in the FOX-TV reality series “The Simple Life” as she and big city pal 21-year-old Nicole Richie (daughter of Lionel) attempt to survive the rural lifestyle of Altus, Arkansas – population 817 (FRIDAY Nicole Richie is due in court for a progress report on her ‘drug diversion program’, a result of her guilty plea to a heroin-possession charge ) . . . Word is “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell has developed a passion for wearing skimpy black thongs, which he only wears once before throwing away (oh gawd, how can I get THAT mental picture out of my mind?) . . . 19-year-old pop-star-turned-actress Mandy Moore has refused to bare her ‘assets’ for the upcoming movie “Chasing Liberty”, insisting instead on a ‘butt double’ – which she personally chose (would that be a stunt bum?) . . . 36-year-old actress Catherine Zeta Jones is said to be considering the female lead in the next ‘James Bond’ flick but doesn’t want to be just another notch on 007’s … er, bedpost . . . Recovering classic rocker Meat Loaf says he ‘cheated death’ by surviving emergency surgery in a London hospital to correct an irregular heart beat . . . Oprah Winfrey has bought a 4-bedroom hilltop estate in Maui, Hawaii for about $2 million that includes a guest cottage, 100 acres of shorefront land and a horse farm . . . Meanwhile, Kelly Osbourne is selling her 3-bedroom Beverly Hills home for about $1.6 million . . . And rapper Ludacris (“Stand Up”, “Holidae In”) reportedly has such a massive entourage, he even employs one flunky whose sole job is to – change the batteries on his Gameboy.

• “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl” (Action Adventure – DVD/VHS): In this adventure based on the Disney amusement park ride, ‘Captain Jack Sparrow’ (Johnny Depp) and ‘Will Turner’ (Orlando Bloom) battle the evil ‘Captain Barbossa’ (Geoffrey Rush) who steals their ship, the ‘Black Pearl’, and kidnaps the governor’s beautiful daughter (Keira Knightley). Swashbuckling ensues.
• “Alien Quadrilogy“ (Sci-Fi DVD Box Set): A giant 9-disc box set with expanded or re-cut versions of all 4 “Alien” films, including 2 separate versions of each and 45 HOURS of bonus materials. (Does anyone ever watch all this filler?)
• “Beethoven’s 5th” (Family Comedy – DVD/VHS): Direct-to-video sequel in the “Beethoven” the dog franchise. (Gee, hope it doesn’t get so they’re just doing these for the money.)

Innsbruck, Austria fashion design student Susanne Prister can hardly keep up with the demand for her course for men – in ironing. It’s not only attracting bachelors but married men sent by their wives. Two 2-hour lessons cost $25, usually enough time for men to learn how to iron a shirt in 3 minutes and where the creases on a pair of pants go. (I think all MY T-shirts are wash n’ wear … or is that wear n’ wear?)

Burlington ON food writer Rebecca Field Jager has a hilarious new cookbook called “How to Make Love and Dinner at the Same Time: 200 Slow Cooker Recipes to Heat up the Bedroom Instead of the Kitchen” (with a title like that it must have a huge cover!). All its recipes utilize a crock pot or slow cooker. Jager claims there’s no sexier kitchen appliance because it keeps you from slaving over a hot stove and gives you plenty of time to pursue other activities – like heating up the bedroom.
PHONER: 310.915.0970 (Trina Kaye Publicity, LA CA)

The Unicharm Company of Thailand claims its new ‘Green Tea Pantyliner’ neutralizes unpleasant odors. Green tea apparently contains natural compounds called catechins which supposedly control bacteria that can lead to bad smells. (Yeah great, and good luck getting those tea stains out!)

Just a week ahead of hosting the “Miss World” pageant, China has staged the “Miss Ugly” contest. 50 unattractive women competed in Shanghai for a top prize of plastic surgery worth $16,500. 26-year-old Zhang Di won on the basis that her appearance would most benefit from plastic surgery. (Second prize was a paper bag.)

• 28-year-old Fatma Saygi of Adiyaman, Turkey is about to give birth to triplets. Not noteworthy except that – it’s her SIXTH set! She & husband Mehmet are already parents to 5 other sets of triplets and the family of 17, soon to be 20, manages to live in a dinky 2-room apartment.
• German police have arrested a shoplifter who aroused suspicion by waddling through a supermarket with – 177 packs of cigarettes in his pants. The thief, in his 20s, was helped by 3 accomplices who formed a protective shield by holding newspapers in front of his big bulge.
• Swedish cops are warning citizens to beware of drunken elk, after one attacked a woman in the city of Karlshamn. Experts say the elk become intoxicated after munching on the last of the summer berries, which have fermented into potent alcoholic fruit.
• A Welsh town wants to mark its 750th anniversary with a replica of the famous Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, Spain. But in homage to the town’s name, the event in ‘Cowbridge’ would replace the bulls with – dairy cows.
• In an effort to make it easier for pets to travel with their owners in Europe, the European Commission is proposing to issue wallet-sized passports for dogs, cats and ferrets. Owners will be able to use a standardized blue booklet stamped with the European Union’s circle of gold stars, listing vaccinations and certifying the pets are rabies-free. (“May I see your puppy’s papers?”)

Retailers typically plant their most irresistible merchandise to the right of their store’s entrance. So to avoid getting into a holiday-shopping frenzy, you should turn left as soon as you enter a store.


1954 [49] Stone Phillips, Texas City TX, TV news magazine host (“Dateline: NBC” since 1992) who uses every phony face twitch there is for emphasis and expression – the head bob when the camera goes on, the eyebrow raise, the double nod, the face tilt for sincerity, etc.

1966 [37] Kelly Buchberger, Langenburg SK, NHL winger (Pittsburgh Penguins)

1968 [35] Lucy Liu, Queens NY, movie actress (“Kill Bill: Volume 1”, “Charlie’s Angels 1 & 2″) FACTOID: “Kill Bill: Volume 2″ opens FEBRUARY 20th.

1968 [35] Nate Mendel, Seattle WA, rock musician (Foo Fighters-“All My Life”, “Big Me”)

1973 [30] Monica Seles, Novi Sad YUG, pro tennis player (stabbed in back by fan in 1993)

1978 [25] Nelly Furtado, Victoria BC, pop singer (“Powerless [Say What You Want]”, Grammy Award-“I’m Like a Bird”)

1981 [22] Britney Spears, Kentwood, LA, pop singer (“Me Against The Music”, “Baby One More Time”)

• “National Fritters Day”
• “Pan American Health Day”

THIS MONTH is “National Healthy Skin Month”. Ask listeners the strangest concoctions they’ve heard of as beauty treatments. (The Internet ‘Womens Forum’ lists formulas involving oatmeal, honey, avocado, bananas, yogurt, cucumber, strawberries, cornmeal and apricots among others.)

1949 [54] 1st recording of “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer” released (Gene Autry)

1901 [102] 1st ‘disposable safety razor’ patented (King Camp Gillette)

1982 [21] 1st permanent ‘artificial heart’ is implanted (in patient Barney Clark at the University of Utah)

1985 [18] Highest-rated “ABC Monday Night Football” telecast ever as Miami Dolphins beat Chicago Bears 38-24, snapping the Bears’ 12-game winning streak (Chicago’s only loss of the season, including the Super Bowl!)

[Wed] Bath Tub Party Day
[Wed] National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day
[Thurs] National Cookie Day
[Thurs] Wear Brown Shoes Day
[Fri] “The Last Samurai” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] International Volunteer Day
[Sat] National Day of Remembrance & Action on Violence Against Women
[Sat] St Nicholas Day
This Week Is . . . Christmas Tree Week
This Month Is . . . Safe Toys & Gifts Month


• Whyzit almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of?
• Whyzit when the police pull you over, they ask you if you know what you did? If they don’t
know then why did they pull you over?
• Whyzit you have to get permission from your boss to attend a work seminar called ‘Get Control of Your Life’?
• Whyzit you never hear about ‘gruntled’ employees?
• Whyzit when you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s angry?

Find the BS band names amongst the ridiculous real ones …
1. 30 Odd Foot of Grunts
2. VaGiant [BS]
3. John Cougar Concentration Camp
4. Buttsteak
5. Pabst Smear
6. Weaponized Gravy [BS]
7. Hornets Attack Victor Mature
8. Jesus Christ Superfly
9. The Spackle Maggots [BS]
10. Lucy in the Sky With Diapers [BS]
11. When People Were Shorter and Lived by the Water
12. REO Speedealer
13. Kathleen Turner Overdrive
14. Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts
15. Peter, Paul & Hitler [BS]
16. Furious George
Source: “Maxim”

• “Which Christmas song do you never EVER want to hear again?” (According to a new “Reader’s Digest” poll, most people are fed up with “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”.)
• “Which urban slang word do you use most?” (Yo? Aiight? Holla? Bling? Beyotch? Freeze?)
• “What unique things would you do if you had a clone?” (Finally take a look at what that mole on your back looks like? Give your hair stylist a heart attack with the fastest growing haircut ever?)

Sweden has one, Québec City has one, but Alaska won’t be getting its very own ice hotel – at least not anytime soon. Plans to open the ‘Aurora Ice Hotel’ at Chena Hot Springs Resort near Fairbanks THIS WEEK have been put on hold by the local fire marshal’s office, which cites building code and public safety concerns (an ice hotel that’s a fire hazard?). The 30-foot-high Gothic inn, which required 14,000 tons of ice to build, will now be used to attract tourists as one big mutha ice sculpture – likely Alaska’s largest ‘work of art’. Unfortunately the resort won’t be raking in the planned $878 per icy hotel room it was planning on.
PHONER: 800.478.4681/907.451.8104 (Bernie Karl)

Want to know what your co-workers call you behind your back? Just input your name at the online “Work Nickname Generator” and find out!

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Today’s Question: 91% of drivers do THIS while they are behind the wheel.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: They fiddle with the radio. (In the interest of safety, we recommend you don’t touch it this morning.)

Culture – anything we do that monkeys don’t.

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