Wednesday, December 11, 2002        Edition: #2440
Here’s More Of That Bull Roar!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Carlos Santana, Michelle Branch & Willie Nelson headline the “Nobel Peace Prize Concert” in Oslo, Norway . . . ”Friends” star Jennifer Aniston is E! network’s pick as 2002′s ‘Entertainer of the Year’ . . . What a sweetheart – George Clooney has reportedly sent handwritten condolence cards to actors whose parts he cut in the editing of his directorial debut, “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”, opening Christmas Day . . . Paul Burrell, Princess Di’s former butler who was accused of stealing her stuff, is being considered for a role in an upcoming Jack Nicholson film – playing a butler, of course! . . . Mel Gibson is getting back to his roots, copping almost $25 million to star in “Fury Road”, a 4th ‘Mad Max’ movie to begin shooting in Australia in MAY . . . Britney Spears has asked for a restraining order against a 41-year-old Japanese man who’s been stalking her for over 3 months . . . And rock legend Pete Townshend admits he’s almost totally deaf from nearly 40 years of playing guitar for The Who and says his hearing’s worsened since their most recent tour began and he suffers tinnitus (ringing in the ears) after shows.

NEW JARGON:
• ‘Winter Vomiting Disease’ – A viral disease that’s normally local to Scotland and parts of Northern England but may have jumped ‘the pond’ as several cases have been reported in North America. The vomiting virus brings on a sudden onset of barfing that can last up to 36 hours. The best way to combat winter vomiting disease – wash your hands, often.
• ‘Carbeque’ – Cooking using the heat from a vehicle’s engine block. Just one of the strange techniques found in the new recipe book “X-Treme Cuisine”.
• ‘Foxymoron’ – Someone who’s a ‘perfect 10′ in both looks AND intelligence, according to the “Washington Post”.
• ‘Pumping Oil’ – The nickname for the currently preferred method of working out which involves machines that use hydraulic fluid to create resistance, rather than ‘pumping iron’ – free weights. Women have latched on to the machines because they give a good CV workout without bulking up muscles.

MINDLESS MEN:
New Canadian research suggests that women’s grey matter is packed more densely with brain cells compared to men’s. The additional cells are in the region responsible for higher mental processes such as judgment, personality and planning. However, unlike men, it seems women shed brain cells more rapidly from this area with the passing of years, so that in old age they have a similar density to men. (“The old grey mare, she ain’t what she used to be …”)

GIRLY MAN:
Psychologists at St Andrews University in Edinburgh have attempted to create a computer image of the perfect male face for women. Contrary to what you might think, the researchers discovered that women are most attracted to men with average features. The ‘ideal man’ has large expressive eyes set in a smooth-skinned symmetrical face, a straight nose, and a rounded hairline and jaw-line. Although his makers admit their perfect male looks slightly girlish, they’ve found modern women want caring feminine traits rather than more macho characteristics. (“Oh look, he looks just like [co-host]!”)
NET: http://news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,5639617%255E13780,00.html

ARE THOSE SKID MARKS?
A man has prevented a train wreck in India by waving his red underwear! Nimai Das was relieving himself near the railway tracks at Kopai when he noticed part of the track was missing. Then he spotted an approaching train. He immediately stripped and began waving his red undies frantically. He caught the driver’s attention just in time and the train screeched to a halt a few yards ahead of the broken line. (Luckily, he wasn’t wearing his green gotchies!)

UNDERHAIR:
Spanish designer Jose Monino has created a matching set of bra and panties – made from human hair! He says the idea for hair underwear was born while he was braiding hair extensions. To make hair underwear, real human hair is washed several times, woven, and then sewn together. It’s a process that takes 2 to 3 weeks, the reason his lingerie is priced at over $3,000 a set! (It’ll never catch on – who wants to buy undies you’ll need to have waxed?)

TIME TRIALS:
According to a British study, 1 in 4 kids aged 4 to 8 can’t tell the time on a traditional clock face. Seems they are surrounded by so many digital clocks they simply don’t recognize the old-style ‘big hand’ and ‘little hand’ method. Increasingly, kids are even using their mobile phone displays to give them the time rather than wearing a watch. The study also finds that a quarter of 6 to 8-year-olds don’t know there are 24 hours in a day. (Or the meaning of ‘quiet time’.)

THERE’S SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THIS:
According to scientists in Greece, stressed-out fish don’t taste as good as relaxed ones. Professor Sofronios Papoutsoglou of Geoponic University in Athens claims fish living under artificial lighting in water tanks tend to suffer severe stress and depression and that affects their taste. To help them unwind before they’re grilled or fried, he recommends customizing the water tank’s color, providing ‘play time’ and improving the quality of their food. (And maybe some little teeny headphones so they can’t hear the oil sizzling?)

WHO WEARS THE PANTS?
Women in Turkey are planning to defy a 19-year-old law by wearing trousers to work. Women’s groups say the ban on pants reflects authoritarian attitudes that are common in a mostly conservative Muslim society. (I can relate. Pants on or off is a decision I make every day before the program.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
New figures from StatsCan show that, while 90% of us speak either English or French, more than 100 other ‘mother tongues’ are now listed by Canadians.

THE BULL SHEET 12.11.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [58] Brenda Lee (Tarpley), Lithonia GA, 4′-9″ oldies singer (she was 16 when she recorded “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”)/Country Music Hall of Fame (1998)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2002)

1945-49 [53-57 tough to say – she lies!] Teri Garr, Lakewood OH, movie actress (“Michael”, “Tootsie”, “Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind”) who recently revealed she’s been battling multiple sclerosis since 1983  FACTOID: She appeared as a go-go dancer in several Elvis Presley movies including “Fun in Acapulco”, “Kissin’ Cousins” and “Viva Las Vegas”.

1966 [36] Gary Dourdan, Philadelphia PA, TV actor (CSI Warrick Brown-“CSI:Crime Scene Investigation”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Noodle Day”. Besides the versatile egg noodle, there are a gazillion types of pasta noodles including angel hair, fettuccine, fusilli, gnocchi, lasagne, macaroni, manicotti, penne, rigatoni, rotini, spaghetti, vermicelli, and ziti. So what’s your fave?

For 400 years since 1602, TODAY has been celebrated as “Scaling Day” in Geneva, Switzerland. That’s when stores sell pot-shaped chocolate candies to represent the soup pots women used in medieval days to pour scalding water on any invaders attempting to ‘scale’ city walls. (Local children also chop melons with cleavers in gleeful re-creation of beheadings.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1844 [158] 1st ‘dental anesthetic’, used by Dr John Riggs (before that – dental mallet to the forehead!)

1946 [56] The United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund (UNICEF) is established

1972 [30] Rock group Genesis debuts, in a concert at Brandeis University in Massachusetts (includes Peter Gabriel, Phil Collins, Steve Hackett, Mike Rutherford, and Tony Banks)

2000 [02] 1st ‘owner/player’ in NHL history as Pittsburgh Penquins owner Mario Lemeiux announces he’s coming out of 3-plus-years of retirement to play again (currently the league’s 2002 season scoring leader)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1937 [65] Toronto beats Winnipeg 4-3 in the Grey Gup game played latest in the year (perhaps the ball shattering on kickoff convinced officials December was too cold?)

1985 [17] Edmonton Oilers beat Chicago Blackhawks 12-9 to tie NHL record for goals in a game (21) and set record for most points (goals and assists) at 62

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Poinsettia Day
[Thurs] National Ding-A-Ling Day
[Fri] Friday the 13th
[Sat] National Bouillabaisse Day
[Mon] National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
This Week Is . . . National Hand Washing Awareness Week
This Month Is . . . Colorectal Cancer Education Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:

• Whyzit they only harvest mistletoe? What do they do with the rest of the mistlefoot?
• Whyzit there’s NEVER time to do it right but there’s ALWAYS time to do it over?
• Whyzit whenever someone tells you they’re doing something ‘for your own good’ you can be certain you won’t like it?
• Whyzit there are no washing machine or dryer magnets, just fridge magnets?
• Whyzit your favorite song always comes on the radio right when you’re getting out of your car?
• Truckers know the good places to eat, right? So whyzit you never see trucks parked outside a fancy French restaurant?
• Whyzit some people watch the same movie several times? Do they think there’s a chance
it will end differently?

SPY ANOTHER DAY:
Pierce Brosnan has agreed to play ‘James Bond’ for a 5th time in the next film in the series to be shot in 2005. Brosnan, who’ll be 52 by then, says he’s aware of the physical limitations of the role and he hopes he stops playing ‘007′ before he “embarrasses himself”. Could be too late!
SUGGESTED BS TITLES FOR THE NEXT ‘BOND’ MOVIE:

• “Dr No … Bladder Control”
• “The Spy Who Loved Me … On The Third Try”
• “Thunderbowel”
• “For Your Good Eye Only”
• “Octogenarianpussy”
• “Never Say Never Again, Thanks To Viagra”
• “The Man With the Golden Girls”
• “License to Kill … Daylight Hours Only”
• “Coldsphincter”

BS ‘FINISH LINES’:
Contestant must complete the next line to these popular holiday season songs –
• “Gee if I could only have my two front teeth …” [“Then I could wish you Merry Chrithmath”]
• “You’re a mean one Mr Grinch, you really are a heel …” [“You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel”]
• “Have a holly jolly Christmas, it’s the best time of the year …” [“I don’t know if there’ll be snow but have a cup of cheer”]
• “I’ll be home for Christmas, you can count on me …” [“Please have snow and mistletoe, and presents ’neath the tree”]
• “Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus lane …” [“Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer pullin’ on the reins”]
• “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write …” [“May your days be merry and bright, and may all your Christmases be white”]

BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: How many squirts does it take from a cow to make a pound of butter?
a) 35
b) 350
c) 3,500
A: It takes about 350 squirts from the average cow to make a pound of butter. (Squirt efficiency is based on ideal milking conditions and contented cows. Your cow may vary.)

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the most annoying mobile phone ring-tone you’ve heard?” (“Auld Lang Syne” and “Old McDonald Had A Farm” must be close, no?)
• “What goods and services do women have to pay more for than men?” (Clothing, haircuts,
deodorant, perfume, and dry-cleaning are just a few, according to the “Pittsburgh Post-Gazette”.)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 9% of us will wind up doing this during the holiday season.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Forgetting to buy or buying the wrong batteries.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.


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