Friday, December 6, 2002        Edition: #2437
Bully For You!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Winona Ryder is scheduled to be sentenced on her shoplifting conviction but will likely only get her wrist slapped with fines, probation, community service & some form of counselling . . . TOMORROW the “Miss World” contest makes another attempt in London after being forced to flee Nigeria a couple weeks back due to rioting . . . SUNDAY the 25th annual “Kennedy Center Honors for those who have made ‘a lifetime contribution to American culture through the performing arts’ will be awarded in Washington DC to actress Elizabeth Taylor, Broadway star Chita Rivera, ballsy-voiced actor James Earl Jones, and singer/songwriter Paul Simon (replacing Paul McCartney, who withdrew due to a personal obligation) . . . Here come the year-end award lists – the National Board of Review of Motion Pictures has picked “The Hours” starring Meryl Streep & Nicole Kidman as 2002′s ‘Best Movie’ (apparently based on movies the least people saw) . . . He may be off the booze but now it seems Ben Affleck has a shopping jag – reportedly blowing a half-million bucks in a single shopping spree LAST WEEKEND in Vegas . . . Wow, we’ve got a couple of real box office bombs this holiday season – Disney’s “Treasure Planet” cost $140 million to make and has grossed less than $20 million, and CinemaScore says “Solaris” may be the least-liked movie in 20 years according to its exit polls . . . Times are so tough in Serbia the Rolling Stones have agreed to cut ticket prices to $50 for their concert in Belgrade next AUGUST and fans are being allowed to pay in 6 monthly instalments – after all, the average monthly wage is less than $150!

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Robert De Niro & Billy Crystal return in the comedy “Analyze That”, a sequel to 1999′s “Analyze This” about a mob boss and his psychotherapist (it’s “The Sopranos” – with laughs) . . . John Leguizamo plays a drug dealer trying to escape his life in the South Bronx in the drama “Empire” . . . In limited release – Nicolas Cage plays a screenwriter struggling with a project in the comedy “Adaptation” . . . Christian Bale stars in the sci-fi thriller “Equilibrium”, about a fascist future where all forms of feeling are illegal.     

NOTHING ATTRACTS LIKE A SWEATY T-SHIRT:
Berlin designer Anna Figoluschka claims her so-called ‘Flirt Shirts’ give wearers an advantage over rivals. The shirts are impregnated with pheromones which are said to attract members of the opposite sex. T-shirts with a blue anchor design contain male pheromones, which are hormone-based scents. Those with a pink heart contain female pheromones. (Weird – now you can tell a woman’s interested because she has a heart on!)

THE CREATURE FROM THE DEEP:
A really strange lobster has been caught off Stoney Island NS. It’s is a hermaphrodite – both male and female at the same time – and it’s also 2-toned, one half a bluish-white, the other a reddish color. Albino lobsters are rare, but half-albinos are REALLY rare. And when it comes to a lobster having both male and female reproductive organs, no one seems to remember it ever occurring before. (Yeah, chemical dumping is having no impact whatsoever.)

YOUR LOBE’S FLASHING:
A trio of California inventors has patented an earring that flashes in time with the wearer’s heartbeat. While the gizmo could serve a practical use in monitoring medical problems, the main idea is for it be used as an indication of when your partner is excited. (“Are you having a heart attack or are you just happy to see me?”)

OLD AGE IS ODOR FREE:
A new San Diego State University study of 2,500 people over age 53 suggests that, as we age, we increasingly lose our sense of smell (a condition known as ‘anosmia’ or ‘anosphrasia’). Of those in the study, the proportion of those with impaired smell increases from 6.1% of those aged 53-59 all the way up to 62.5% of 81 to 90-year-olds. Over all, 24.5% could not detect common odors. (My Grampa Hank must be the exception – he’s 95 and he really smells!)

FROM THE POLL VAULT:
• According to a new Pew Research Center survey, 67% of Canadians are satisfied with their lives, 56% are satisfied with the country, and 18% with the world in general. (Unfortunately, the rest all seem to be working here in our office.)
• According to a new survey by KidzEye research, 54% of 9-year-olds believe in Santa Claus, compared to 46% of 10-year-olds, and 33% of 11-year-olds.
• Which room in the house best expresses the personality of its owner? According to a new Century 21 poll it’s the kitchen, selected by 31% of respondents.
• A new poll of 5,000 women by “That’s Life!” magazine finds – 98% of women tell fibs, 29% have had an affair and 62% of them don’t regret it, and 29% lie when they say ‘I love you’.
• More than one-third of pet owners surveyed say they have left the TV on for their dog or cat. (This may explain the increasing rate of violence among pets.)

THE BULL SHEET 12.06.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [47] Steven Wright, NYC, droll comedian whose weird observations include –
• “I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.”
• “A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street, and … ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better!”
• “If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
• “I busted a mirror and got 7 years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.”
• “I wrote a song but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, ‘Hey, maybe I wrote that.’”
• “I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
• “Yeah, it’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it!”

1956 [46] Peter Buck, Oakland CA, rock guitarist (REM-“Losing My Religion”) charged with ‘air rage’ last year after drinking 15 glasses of wine on Seattle-London British Airways flight

1962 [40] Janine Turner (Gauntt), Lincoln NE, TV actress (Dr Dana Stowe-“Strong Medicine 2000-2002, Maggie O’Connell-“Northern Exposure” 1990-95)/movie actress (“Cliffhanger”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1958 [44] Edd Hall, Boston MA, TV announcer (“The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” since 1992)

1974 [28] Nicole Appleton, Hamilton ON, pop singer (All Saints-“Never Ever”) who’s Oasis singer Liam Gallagher’s fiancé and mother to his baby/sister of Natalie Appleton

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “St Nicholas Day”, commemorating the 4th-century bishop who died December 6, 342 AD and from whom the traditions of ‘Santa Claus’ and exchanging gifts were derived. No wonder he’s the patron saint of both children and merchants! Many European kids awake today to find candy and oranges in their shoes, or if they’ve been bad – a piece of coal. The name ‘Santa Claus’ evolved from St Nicholas via the Dutch form of the name – ‘Sinte Klaas’ or ‘Sinterklaas’. According to Dutch tradition, naughty children are whisked away to Spain by St Nick’s helper ‘Black Pete’. (Hey buddy, pick me! I love Spain!)

TODAY is “National Pawnbrokers Day”, celebrated on “St Nicholas Day”, the saint who, among other things, is the patron saint of pawnbroking.

TODAY is “National Day of Remembrance & Action on Violence Against Women”, established by Parliament in 1991 to recognize and denounce violence against women in our society. The day coincides with the anniversary of the 1989 ‘Montréal Massacre’ when 14 young women were tragically killed at l’École Polytechnique.

TODAY is “National Gazpacho Day”, in celebration of the spicy but cold Spanish soup. (To look like a real rube, order some in a restaurant and then blow on it to cool it down.)

TOMORROW on the Caribbean island of Antigua is the annual “Burning of the Devil”. Thousands of locals watch as a large effigy of his nastiness is set ablaze at a convent, followed by smaller fires throughout the capital city. It must be working because tranquil Antigua has the world’s smallest armed forces – just 150 soldiers!

SUNDAY marks the 22nd anniversary (1980) of the assassination of John Lennon by Mark David Chapman on the sidewalk outside NYC’s Dakota apartment building. There’ll be candlelight vigils worldwide, many to coincide with the 11:23pm time of his death.

SUNDAY-December 14th the “21st Annual World Elephant Polo Association Tournament” lumbers into Meghauli, Nepal where the airstrip is transformed into a giant playing field.
PHONER: 800-777-8183 (Geographic Expeditions)
NET: http://www.elephantpolo.com/

ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2001 Country stars Faith Hill & Tim McGraw welcome new daughter Audrey Caroline to the world

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1877 [125] 1st ‘sound recording’ demonstrated by Edison mechanic John Kruesi using a wax cylinder (Thomas Edison recites “Mary Had a Little Lamb”)

1945 [57] 1st ‘microwave oven’ is patented

1960 [42] 1st ‘Domino’s Pizza’ opens

1963 [39] 1st ‘cruise control’ introduced on cars

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1983 [19] World record for ‘continuous whistling’ (45 hours, 20 minutes)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
[Sun] Bad Hair Day
[Mon] 2002 Billboard Music Awards
[Tues] International Human Rights Day
[Tues] Nobel Peace Prize awarded
This Week Is . . . Cookie Cutter Week
This Month Is . . . Hi Neighbor Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:

• Whyzit teenagers express their burning desire to be different by dressing exactly the same?
• Whyzit when your boss says ‘Got a minute?’ you immediately start wondering what you did with the classified ads?
• Whyzit when the odds are a million-to-one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will?
• Whyzit that the people who know best how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair?
• Whyzit that light switches say ‘on/off’? When it’s ‘on’ you can see it’s on, when it’s ‘off’ you can’t see it all.
• Whyzit we demand speed limits to prevent people from driving too fast but won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 mph?
• Whyzit it humans are the only creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home?

WEB GOODIES:
For 35 years, ‘Operation Dear Abby’ has allowed Americans to send a holiday greetings at random to men and women in the US military worldwide. It’s now done exclusively via e-mail at this Website –
NET: http://anyservicemember.Navy.mil
The online ‘Insult-o-Matic’ is designed to help you blunt the affection of someone who’s coming on too strong. Simply click the insult generator for a phrase to ‘gently crush their puppy-like enthusiasm and redirect it to a more appropriate level’.
NET: http://www.weirdcandy.com/insult.htm

BS PHONE STARTER:
“What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you – using 10 words or less?”

BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: Which is NOT another name for ‘Santa Claus’ somewhere in the world?
a) ‘Papa Noel’.
b) ‘Grandfather Frost’.
c) ‘Father North’.
A: Santa is known as ‘Papa Noel’ in Peru and Brazil while Russians refer to the big guy as ‘Grandfather Frost’, but there’s no ‘Father North’.

Q: Which animal that has the largest heart in proportion to its body size?
a) Blue whale.
b) Giraffe.
c) The boss at Christmas bonus time.
A: It’s the giraffe.

Q: What company is the largest toy distributor in the world?
a) McDonald’s.
b) Toys ‘r Us.
c) North Pole Enterprises Inc.
A: Thanks to all those giveaway trinkets, it’s McDonald’s.

Q: In computer slang, a ‘byte’ is a group of ‘bits’. But what do you call a group of ‘bytes’?
a) An agribit.
b) A chomplet.
c) A gulp.
A: It’s a ‘gulp’, believe it or not.
Sources: “Triviaville”, “Focus” magazine

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Only 27% of us will give a Christmas gift to this person.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The boss.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The older you get, the better you realize you were.


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