Thursday, December 6, 2001        Edition: #2191
Bully For You!

Watching “NYPD Blue” and ”CSI” this week we were struck by . . .

• Rookie: You can’t read his name plate because it’s polished so brightly. Veteran: Doesn’t wear one for liability reasons.
• Rookie: Wants everyone to know he or she is a cop. Veteran: Doesn’t want anyone to know he or she is a cop.
• Rookie: Calls the brass by their rank. Veteran: Calls the brass by their first names.
• Rookie: Carries a laptop computer. Veteran: Writes on his hand.
• Rookie: Checks out deserted spots in hopes of finding a drug deal in progress. Veteran: Checks out deserted spots in hopes of finding a place to sleep.
• Rookie: Loses his lunch at a homicide scene. Veteran: Eats his lunch at a homicide scene.

A security guard is suing Marilyn Manson for more than $75,000 for emotional distress and other injuries suffered LAST YEAR at a concert in Minneapolis when the weird one grabbed the rent-a-cop’s head, held it against his hips and — quote — “proceeded to gyrate his hips” (Amnesty International is looking into whether it qualifies as cruel and unusual torture) . . . NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal says his goal is a star of a different kind — a sheriff’s badge as chief of law enforcement somewhere in Louisiana or Florida (he’ll have to wait till his Lakers contract expires after the 2006 season) . . . Thanks to TV stardom, 5-ft, 5-in “Just Shoot Me” star David Spade is dating towering stupormodel Caprice, who’s a strapping 6-footer (she’s so tall he has to go UP on her) . . . Gillian Anderson says “The X-Files” should end when she quits NEXT YEAR, so that it finishes while it’s still strong (um, too late!) . . . Man, if the military put Mariah Carey on a poster wearing the low-cut army fatigues she’s been prancing around in THIS WEEK in Kosovo, there’d be line-ups at recruiting stations (she was almost fired on when a spy plane mistook her for missile silos) . . . And this is truly strange – a Japanese woman who flew from Tokyo to the US specifically to look for the cash buried in the Coen Bros oddball movie “Fargo” has mysteriously turned up dead near Detroit Lakes MN after local cops failed to convince her that the movie was totally fictional (aw, that’s sad . . . but what a great concept for a sequel, huh?).

Cameron Diaz may become only the 2nd actress (after Julia Roberts) to score a $20-million payday, if the deal closes for her to co-star in a “Charlie’s Angels” sequel . . . The upcoming movie “Beautiful Boxer” will be based on the life of Thailand’s ‘most famous’ transvestite kickboxer (like there’s a lot to pick from?), 20-year-old Parinya Charoenphol, who shocked the kickboxing world by appearing in the ring wearing lipstick and mascara, kissing opponents on the cheek, and later giving up his (or her) sensational career to become a woman . . . Arnold Schwarzenegger is currently negotiating a deal to star in a sequel to a sequel, “Terminator 3″, which begins shooting in APRIL (he beats the hell out of the bad guy with his cane) . . . Looks like Ralph Fiennes (‘RAFE FANES’) will play serial killer ‘Francis Dollarhyde’ in “Red Dragon”, the upcoming prequel to the sequel to “The Silence of the Lambs” . . . Tom Cruise will have to develop a British accent for “The War Magician”, a true WW2 story about an entertainer who baffled Germans in North Africa with his illusions . . . And picture this duo – Nicole Kidman is in negotiations to star opposite Jim Carrey in an as-yet untitled romantic comedy about a man whose dead wife comes back to haunt him.

According to a study conducted in 16 countries around-the-world, the major cause of stress is — work! International research group ARISE (Associates for Research into the Science of Enjoyment) found that over half of respondents think stress on the job has increased and 20% say they’ve taken time off due to stress. (Wait a sec, have I used THAT excuse yet?)

According to a recent survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. (They say that women are too judgmental whereas, of course, men are just grateful.)

Would you rather live in the country, the city or the suburbs? A poll in “Swing” magazine finds that 53% of us would prefer country living. 25% would opt for the suburbs, and only 21% would choose to live in the city. (Funny how just about the opposite is the reality.)

40,000 marketing professionals were surveyed to find what advice they would give politicians running for office. The top advice — ‘get a dog’. They added that the ideal political leader should also be ‘good-looking’, ‘married’, and ‘honest’. ‘Getting ill’ also plays well with voters, who feel sorry for sick politicians. (It was almost sounding like a politician could actually use the advice, until they got to that part about being honest.)

A Penn State University study suggests that bosses and employees get along better when they call each other by their first names. It’s apparently an important step in the ‘levelling of status’. (“Jennifer, you’re fired.” “Yeah well you STILL suck, Grace.”)


1955 [46] Steven Wright, NYC, droll comedian whose weird observations include . . .
• “I busted a mirror and got 7 years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.”
• “Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”
• “I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, ‘Hey, maybe I wrote that.'”
• “I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”
• “I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.”

1956 [45] Peter Buck, Oakland CA, rock guitarist (REM-“Losing My Religion”) recently charged with ‘air rage’ in incident on Seattle-London British Airways flight after drinking 15 GLASSES of WINE (judge mysteriously discharged jury at his November 12 trial and a re-trial is expected)

1962 [39] Janine Turner (Gauntt), Lincoln NE, movie actress (“Dr T and the Women”, “Cliffhanger”)/ex-TV actress (Maggie O’Connell-“Northern Exposure” [1990-95]) who was once engaged to actor Alec Baldwin

TODAY is “St Nicholas Day”, commemorating the 4th-century bishop from whom the traditions of ‘Santa Claus’ and exchanging gifts were derived. No wonder he’s the patron saint of both children and merchants! Many European kids awake today to find candy and oranges in their shoes, or if they’ve been bad — a piece of coal. According to Dutch tradition, naughty children are whisked away to Spain by St Nick’s helper ‘Black Pete’. (Hey Pete, pick me!!!)

TODAY is “National Pawnbrokers Day”, celebrated on “St Nicholas Day”, the saint who, among other things, is the patron saint of pawnbroking.

TODAY is “National Gazpacho Day”, in celebration of the spicy but cold Spanish soup. (To look like a real rube, order some in a restaurant and then blow on it to cool it down.)

TONIGHT the start of the Christmas season is marked by Canadians across the country in the annual “Christmas Lights Across Canada” ceremony. Decorations will be lit simultaneously at 6:18pm ET by the Governor General on Parliament Hill in Ottawa, by provincial legislatures, and at overseas bases and diplomatic missions.
PHONER: 800-465-1867 (National Capital Commission)

TODAY between 5-6pm ET President Bush does the honors at the 78th annual lighting of the National Christmas Tree to kick off the “2001 Christmas Pageant of Peace” (through January 1st) on the Ellipse in front of the White House. Due to tightened security this year, admission is by ticket only. Entertainment for the ceremony includes country star Travis Tritt, actress Shirley Jones, and Manhattan Transfer.
PHONER: 202-208-1631 (Jennifer Feeney-National Parks Service)

1768 [233] 1st edition of “Encyclopaedia Britannica” (and 1st obnoxious encyclopedia salesman begins knocking on doors)

1877 [124] 1st ‘sound recording’ demonstrated (Thomas Edison recites “Mary Had a Little Lamb” [unfortunately, his follow-up release “Humpty Dumpty” was a stiff].)

1945 [56] 1st ‘microwave oven’ is patented (next day, 1st kid discovers the ‘exploding budgie’)

1960 [41] 1st ‘Domino’s Pizza’ opens (and 1st delivery guy runs down a pedestrian while trying to deliver within 20 minutes)

1983 [18] World record for continuous whistling (45 hours, 20 minutes)

[Fri] Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
[Sat] 21st anniversary of John Lennon’s death
[Mon] Finance Minister Paul Martin announces Federal Budget
[Mon] World premiere of ”Lord of the Rings” movie (London)
[Mon] Hanukkah begins
Christmas Tree Week
Write to a Friend Month


“Which member of your family do you spend the most on at Christmas?” (A MasterCard survey finds that husbands spend the most on their wives, but wives spend the most on their sons.)

The following quiz excerpted from Will & Ian Ferguson’s hilarious new book “How To Be a Canadian (Even If You Already Are One)” will help you determine just how Canadian you are . . .
• If you hear the name ‘Elvis’ and immediately think of figure skating, give yourself 1 point.
• If you hear the name ‘Marilyn’ and immediately think of swimming Lake Ontario, give yourself 1 point.
• If you hear the name ‘Preston’ and immediately think of Lee ‘Pressed-On’ Nails, deduct 6 points.
• If you remember where you were the day Ben got caught – 1 point.
• If you remember where you were the day Wayne got traded – 1 point.
• If didn’t need last names to know who we were talking about – 3 points.
• If you own a ‘Canadian Girls Kick Ass’ T-shirt – 1 point.
• Even though, you yourself, would never kick ass – 2 points.
• If you’ve ever had a Nanaimo bar – 1 point.
• If you’ve ever had a Nanaimo bar in a bar in Nanaimo – 2 points.
• If you can ask the operator to look up a number in Dildo, Newfoundland without feeling any embarrassment – 1 point.
• If you can stop for gas in Climax, Saskatchewan and not make any wisecracks – 3 points.
• If you can say Regina without giggling – 12 points.
• If you have ever curled, give yourself 1 point.
• If you were the skip, give yourself 2 points.
• If you can’t remember if you curled or not, because of how drunk your were – 50 points.

Q: Yellowgrass SK holds which Canadian weather record – most snowfall, coldest recorded temperature, or hottest recorded temperature?
A: The hottest temp – 45C (113F), recorded in 1937.

Q: Based on StatsCan’s ‘census metropolitan area’ (CMA), what’s the 10th-largest city in Canada?
A: London ON at 421,000.

Q: The #1 language used online on the Internet is English. Which language is 2nd?
A: Chinese, followed by Spanish and Japanese, according to “Global Reach”.

Q: In terms of followers, what’s the world’s 2nd-most popular religion after ‘Christianity’?
A: Islam, with over 1.1 billion followers worldwide.

Q: What’s the world’s largest city that is NOT capital city?
A: Bombay, India, with a population of over 15 million or almost twice that of India’s capital, New Delhi.

Q: What kind of paper was originally made from sails, canvas and rope?
A: ‘Manila’ paper, first patented in December, 1843.

Q: Who was reportedly the first person to light up a Christmas tree — Martin Luther, Thomas Edison, or Charles Dickens?
A: Martin Luther, who placed candles on his ‘tannenbaum’ to represent the stars above Bethlehem. (Then later called the Leipzig Fire Department.)

Q: Which US city has seen the greatest percentage DROP in population since its peak? (St Louis has lost 61% of its population since its peak census of 875,000. Other cities whose populations are in decline include Pittsburgh, Buffalo, and Detroit.)

Q: According to the United States Board of Geographic Names, how many places in America are named ‘Santa Claus’ — 2, 4 or 8?
A: There are 8 Santa Clauses, as well as 89 Christmases, 29 Noels, 110 Holidays, 8 Icicles and a Poinssettia Park.  There are also 48 Comets, 42 Donners, 33 Rudolphs, 13 Vixens, 8 Blitzens, 8 Dashers, 6 Dancers and 1 Cupid (Cupid Lake MN). Sorry Prancer, no takers!

You’re never too old to learn and never too young to know it all.

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