Monday, December 11, 2000                                                Edition:  #1951

• Try to act with dignity, decency and decorum — even if you are a lawyer.
• Always carefully replace all the items on the boss’s desk after making out with a sales rep.
• Once your pantyhose have a big ‘easy access’ hole in the upper thigh, just take ’em off already. You’re not fooling anyone there, classy-chick.
• It is inadvisable to mention how nice it is to have a boss who can play Santa without padding.
• If your party is ‘cash bar only’, consider quitting your job.
• Nothing says class like a woman double fisting Seagram’s VO from the bottle.
• It would be unseemly to draw attention to oneself by breaking into a chorus of Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs, She Bangs” when the CEO’s wife enters the room.
• It’s totally improper to wear mistletoe — on your belt buckle.

• Yoko Ono tells Britain’s “Sun” tabloid she’ll never sell the Manhattan apartment she and John Lennon shared, and has left it virtually untouched since he died because she still ‘feels his spirit very strongly’. (Also doesn’t wanna change addresses and risk royalty cheques from the sales of “1″  getting lost in the mail.)
• “Enquirer” reports Harrison Ford recently flew into Wichita KS to pick up a new private plane and ended up spending a wild, booze-soaked night in local strip clubs. The 58-year-old estranged actor purportedly told strippers who sat in his lap that he was ‘Tom the meat processor’. (Sounds like Grade A baloney.)
• According to “Star”, Ben Affleck’s got a new thing with – wait for it — Chelsea Clinton. They reportedly can’t take their eyes off each other at political rallies and she’s told friends she’s put her college boyfriend on the back burner because of sudden feelings for the Hollywood stud-muffin. (If any of this is remotely true, Ben needs to book an appointment with his optometrist.)
• Russell Crowe tells Brit tab “The Mirror” he’s STILL LOOKING for the right woman and hopes when he finds her he can get married and enjoy the kind of relationship his parents have. (That sound you hear is a hissy fit emanating all the way from Meg Ryan’s house.)
• Daddy’s spoiled little tramp Tori Spelling tells “Star” she doesn’t wear underwear because she doesn’t want panty lines spoiling the best-looking butt in Hollywood. She also shares her secret of getting guys interested by walking away from them. Quote: “You talk, show them that you’re intelligent, then you say — ‘I have to go to the bathroom’.” (Pardon me, I just snorted coffee out my nose.)

• A shopping survey reveals that 69% of us have, at one time, bought something we didn’t like — just because it was on sale. (Of course — they’re called Christmas presents.)
• 75% of men in “Playboy” magazine’s ‘Holiday Shopping Pulse Poll’ say mom ranks ahead of their wife or girlfriend on their holiday gift list.
• The average mall Santa Claus is 44-years-old, 6 feet tall, 220 pounds and has 3.2 children of his own. (And a flask hidden in his sack.)
• $4 billion is spent annually on unwanted Christmas gifts according to a Yale University study. ($3 billion on Old Spice alone!)


1944    [56] Brenda Lee (Tarpley), Lithonia GA, pop singer (“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”)
1949    [51] Teri Garr, Lakewood OH, movie actress (“Michael”, “Tootsie”)

Since 1602, TODAY has been celebrated as “Scaling Day” in Geneva, Switzerland. That’s when stores sell pot-shaped chocolate candies to represent the soup pots women used in medieval days to pour scalding water on any invaders attempting to ‘scale’ city walls. (Local children also chop melons with cleavers in gleeful re-creation of beheadings.)

THIS WEEK the annual “World Elephant Polo Association Invitational Tournament” is lumbering away on an airfield in Megauly, Nepal. That’s right — it’s polo using elephants instead of ponies, with 8 international teams competing for the coveted WEPA title.

1844    [156] 1st ‘dental anesthetic’, used by Dr John Riggs (before that, a mallet to the forehead was used in what was known as the ‘Three Stooges method’)
1946    [54] The United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund (UNICEF) is established

1937    [63] Toronto beats Winnipeg 4-3 in the Grey Gup game played latest in the year (perhaps the ball shattering on kickoff convinced officials December was too cold?)
1985    [15] Edmonton Oilers beat Chicago Blackhawks 12-9 to tie NHL record for goals in a game (21) and set record for most points (goals and assists) at 62

[Tues] National Ding-A-Ling Day


Most of these are actual products, but one of each trio isn’t. Ask your contestant to name the fake.
• ‘The Waterproof Book’ (REAL. Three Rivers Press has just published the first-ever for adults, titled “Aqua Erotica”, an anthology of erotic short stories for the bathtub in which water plays an essential plot element in each.)
• ‘The Amateur Vet Home Neutering Kit’ (FAKE)
• ‘The F Word Dictionary’ (REAL. This Random House specialty dictionary centers solely on the word you can’t say on radio. Did you know that euphemisms for the ‘f-word’ include ferk, flak, fork, frap, freaking, fricking, frig, futz and motorcycle?).

• ‘The Fig Leaf Bathing Suit’ (REAL. According to fashion experts, the new suit for men will be taking beaches by storm next summer. It entails a fig leaf-shaped cloth attached to a string.)
• ‘The Edible Pencil’ (REAL. The California inventors say they developed the carbon and dough writing utensil for people who absent-mindedly chew on their pencils.)
• ‘Grab the Cop’s Gun: A Game of Skill’ (FAKE)

BS TAG LINE: Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

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