Friday, December 5, 2008        Edition: #3916
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

“Twilight” actor Robert Pattinson is baffled by the obsessed fans of the vampire books and movie, openly admitting on the UK’s “GMTV” that he ‘doesn’t get it’ (but for $12 million he’s willing to fake his way through another movie) . . . “Guitar Hero: World Tour” additions for December include 3 tracks from Nirvana and 3 songs from Smashing Pumpkins, including the hit “1979” (geezer rockers now have retirement income thanks to games) . . . Brit fashion model Kate Moss has gotten into the holiday spirit by treating her daughter’s nanny to a shopping spree in London fashion store that cost over $4,000 (one should always do right by the help, shouldn’t one?) . . . A rep for Kelly Ripa (“Live With Regis & Kelly”) says there’s not truth to a tabloid report saying her 12-year marriage to actor Mark Consuelos is over and the “National Enquirer” should be ashamed for fabricating such a story (BS translation: They hate each other) . . . 39-year-old actress Anne Heche (ex- of Coley Laffoon and Ellen DeGeneres) is expecting a child with her former “Men in Trees” co-star, 43-year-old Dartmouth NS actor James Tupper (apparently you can do it trees too) . . . And famous person Kim Kardashian (“Keeping Up With the Kardashians”) says she‘s not ruling out the possibility of posing for “Playboy” magazine again (it may take another issue to get in the other half of her massive butt).

• “CMT Giants“ (CMT) – SATURDAY Alan Jackson is honored in this tribute show’s 3rd installment. Brad Paisley, Dierks Bentley, George Strait, Lee Ann Womack, Miranda Lambert, and Taylor Swift are among those performing in the 90-minute special, taped at Nashville’s Ryman Auditorium.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – TODAY Katy Perry (“I Kissed a Girl”) performs.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – TONIGHT Ludacris promotes his new album “Theater Of the Mind”.
• “John Lennon Tribute“ – SUNDAY the 28th annual salute in NYC benefits World Hunger Year. Rosanne Cash is among the singer-songwriters on the bill. Lennon was killed in front of his Manhattan apartment on December 8, 1980.
• “Kennedy Center Honors” – SUNDAY the 31st annual lifetime achievement awards for the performing arts are handed out in Washington DC. This year’s honorees include singer/actress Barbra Streisand, country legend George Jones, rockers Pete Townshend & Roger Daltrey of The Who, movie actor Morgan Freeman & choreographer Twyla Tharp. Caroline Kennedy hosts the all-star gala, which will be taped for broadcast December 20th (CBS).
• “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC) – TONIGHT Brit singer Adele (“Chasing Pavements”) guests.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – TONIGHT TI is the musical guest; John Malkovich hosts.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Country star Taylor Swift is onstage.
• “Trailer Park Boys“ (Showcase) – SUNDAY the foul-mouthed double-wide show comes to an end after 7 unlikely seasons. It’s the end of the mobile home road for Robb Wells (‘Ricky’), John Paul Tremblay (‘Julian’) & Mike Smith (‘Bubbles’).

• AC/DC – Australian filmmaker Eddie Martin is working on a movie about late frontman Bon Scott. The yet-to-be titled movie is in its early stages.
• Akon – He says a collaboration with Michael Jackson called “Hold My Hand” was dumped from his latest album “Freedom” because it leaked online ahead of time. He says he & the King of Pop will be ‘doing more things together in the future, though’. (BS translation: The track sucked bigtime; I’m not wasting my time on that pasty-faced weirdo anymore.)
• Fleetwood Mac – The first 16 dates of their just-announced “Unleashed” concert tour will include stops in NYC, Boston, Washington and Montréal. The group’s first tour in 5 years kicks off March 1st in Pittsburgh. (Hope the stage is wheelchair accessible.)
• Leona Lewis – Her new single “Run” has become the fastest-selling digital-only track in the UK. The Snow Patrol cover has been downloaded almost 70,000 times in its first 2 days.

• “Cadillac Records” ( R-Rated Musical Drama ): Adrien Brody stars as Leonard Chess, the real-life musical pioneer who founded Chicago-based Chess Records in the 1950s-60s. An ensemble cast brings to life some of the studio’s recording stars of the day: Beyoncé as Etta James; Mos Def as Chuck Berry; Jeffrey Wright as Muddy Waters; Cedric the Entertainer as Willie Dixon; and Eamonn Walker as Howlin’ Wolf.
• “Punisher: War Zone” ( R-Rated Crime Thriller ): In this sequel to the 2004 film, Ray Stevenson (‘Titus’ on HBO’s “Rome”) takes over the role of former FBI agent ‘Frank Castle’, who arrives in NYC to take on underworld bosses and continue his crusade to punish violent criminals. Co-stars Dominic West & Julie Benz. Music by Rob Zombie. Shot in Montréal & area.

A Japanese tourist in Mexico City has become a media sensation for staying at Benito Juarez International Airport for the last 3 months. Hiroshi Nohara says he doesn’t know why he’s staying there, he has no reason. So far he’s survived on donations of food from well-wishers along with a steady supply of snacks and drinks from businesses who want the free publicity dealt out by the daily TV news reports about his life in the airport. Mexican officials plan to simply wait until March when his visa expires, as they can’t force him to leave until then. (Another 3 months and he’ll smell like a bad burrito.)
– Yahoo! News

Scientists at Australian National University claim they’ve discovered that bacteria have a sophisticated communications system which allows them to hunt in packs. Bacteria use this system to figure out when enough of them have gathered to launch an attack. Even more bizarre, the researchers also say that plants have a form of radar which can sense the number of harmful bacteria nearby and plan a defence. Plants seem to be able to eavesdrop on the communications of bacteria, they say, and mimic the communication signals in order to trick them. (Yeah right. You guys been smoking the plants?)

• Coffin Couch: Who wants to be reminded of their own mortality while vegging on the couch watching old reruns of “Six Feet Under”? $3,500.
• Chanel Sandal with Bulb Heel: This goatskin sandal with a function light bulb in the heel is one Chanel piece that we’ll gladly stand in return lines for. $2,200.
• Fish Bowl Bookends: We’re not rushing to call PETA about this one, but something about using fish bowls as bookends rubs us the wrong way. $32.95.
• Ticket to Heaven: Comes complete with a handy travel kit that includes a certificate of your reservation, the ‘Official Heaven Identification Card’, and a ‘Heaven 101′ informational guide. We wonder what their returns & exchanges policy is. $12.79.
• Life Gem: You can’t go wrong with diamonds–unless those diamonds are a byproduct of recently deceased Fluffy’s remains. Life Gem cremates departed pets, using the carbon to create a unique gem with a creepy back-story. $2,699-$24,999.
• Fundies: This underwear-for-2 is probably not what you had in mind when you told your boyfriend to buy you lingerie. $9.99 a pair. A pair for a pair, that is.
– Condensed from

The world’s first $1-million vacation package is being offered by the Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi. The week of extravagance begins in the luxurious 7,000 sq ft Palace Suite which comes with your very own 24/7 private butler and chauffeur-driven Maybach. You can eat and drink whatever you want in one of 12 restaurants or go hang out at your own private beach. Excursions on the week-long fantasy trip include private jet flights to Iran where you can create your own Persian carpet, an exclusive spa treatment at the Dead Sea in Jordan, and deep sea pearl diving in Bahrain, followed by having your pearls set in hand-designed jewelry by a master craftsman. (Or you can go to Disney World about 13,000 times.)
– “Curious Times”

1 hour and 6 minutes per day on average are spent on traveling.

• “I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged.”
– Heidi Montag’s mom, Darlene Egelhoff, telling “Us Weekly” how her daughter’s “Hills” co-star Spencer Pratt might have enticed her to elope. (Chill lady, it’s just a gimmick for the show.)
• “It’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about.”
– Dallas Stars bad-boy Sean Avery, apparently referring to actress and ex-GF Elisha Cuthbert (“24“) who’s now dating Calgary Flames player Dion Phaneuf. The NHL has suspended Avery for ‘inappropriate public comments’ for an indefinite period of time. (Too harsh?)

1932 [76] Little Richard (Penniman), Macon GA, rock n’ roll pioneer (“Tutti Frutti”, “Good Golly Miss Molly”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1986)

1946 [62] Jose Carreras, Barcelona, Spain, operatic singer (The Three Tenors)

1965 [43] John Rzeznik, Buffalo NY, rock singer/guitarist (Goo Goo Dolls-“Better Days”, “Give A Little Bit”)

1967 [41] Gary Allan (Herzberg), Montebello CA, country singer (“Watching Airplanes”, “Nothing On But The Radio”)

Comedian Steven Wright is 53; Rock guitarist Peter Buck (REM) is 52.

Singer/songwriter Tom Waits is 59; NFL wide receiver Terrell Owens (Dallas Cowboys) is 35; TV personality Aaron Carter (“House of Carters”) is 21.

• “Bathtub Party Day”, encouraging a luxurious long, hot bath to develop inner peace. Almost everyone nowadays takes showers, so here’s a day to recall some of the luxury of days gone by. Invite a few friends!
• “International Volunteer Day”, honoring the selfless people who make many of the good things in life happen by volunteering their time.
• “Tinsel Day”, in honor of your cat’s favorite gagging toy, your 2-year-old’s favorite poisonous snack, your vacuum cleaner’s favorite clogging device, and your home’s greatest holiday fire hazard. Looks festive though, doesn’t it?

• “Day of Remembrance & Action on Violence Against Women”, established by Parliament in 1991 to recognize and denounce violence against women in our society. The day coincides with the anniversary of the 1989 ‘Montréal Massacre’ when 14 young women were tragically killed at l’École Polytechnique.
• “Gazpacho Day”, in celebration of the spicy but cold Spanish soup. To look like a real rube, order some in a restaurant and then blow on it to cool it down.
• “Pawnbrokers Day”, celebrated on “St Nicholas Day”, the saint who, among other things, is the patron saint of pawnbroking.
• “St Nicholas Day”, commemorating the 4th-century bishop who died December 6, 342 AD and from whom the traditions of ‘Santa Claus’ and exchanging gifts were derived. No wonder he’s the patron saint of both children and merchants! Many European kids awake today to find candy and oranges in their shoes, or if they’ve been bad – a piece of coal. The name ‘Santa Claus’ evolved from St Nicholas via the Dutch form of the name – ‘Sinte Klaas’ or ‘Sinterklaas’. According to Dutch tradition, naughty children are whisked away to Spain by St Nick’s helper, ‘Black Pete’. Hey buddy, pick me!

• “Burning of the Devil” (“La Quema del Diablo”) in Guatemala and on the Caribbean island of Antigua, when thousands of locals watch while a large effigy of his nastiness is set ablaze, followed by smaller fires throughout the capital cities. Ah, the holiday spirit!
• “International Civil Aviation Day”, established by the UN in 1994 to recognize the role of the   International Civil Aviation Organization in promoting the safety, efficiency and regularity of international air transport. (They herd you like cattle, lose your luggage & feed you crap … what’s civil about aviation?)
• “National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day”, observed on the anniversary of one of the defining moments in history, the 1941 Japanese raid on Pearl Harbor, Hawaii which caused the USA to enter WW2.

1997 [11] “Good Will Hunting” opens in movie theaters, making Matt Damon & Ben Affleck stars (and later winning them a screenwriting Oscar)

1854 [154] 1st ‘Folding Theater Chair’ is patented by Aaron Allen of Boston (who needed a place to put his gum)

1908 [100] University of Pittsburgh uses 1st football ‘Uniform Numbers’ (imagine play-by-play without numbers: “And the guy with the gimpy ankle passes to the guy with the clump of mud on his helmet. He’s tackled by that other guy in the baggy pants …”)

1929 [79] 1st ‘Nudist Organization’ (‘American League For Physical Culture’, NYC)

1983 [25] NFL licenses the 1st official ‘Football Video Game’ (back when John Madden was a lad of 47)

1952 [56] ‘Krystyne Kolorful’ is born in Alberta, who grows up to become an exotic dancer and the world’s ‘Most Decorated Woman’, with tattoos over 95% of her body

[Mon] Bad Hair Day
[Mon] Brownie Day
[Mon] Take It In the Ear Day
[Tues] “Motown: The Complete #1s” released
[Tues] “The Dark Knight”; “Dr Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who!” released on DVD
[Tues]  Eid al-adha (Muslim)
[Tues] Pastry Day
[Wed] International Human Rights Day
This Week Is … Christmas Tree Week
This Month Is … Drunk & Drugged Driving Prevention Month

Who is the dumbest person in Hollywood?

You know how there are some days you should have stayed in bed? I’m having a whole year like that.

You run down the list while a crew member/guest/phone caller ranks each item as simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’ …
• Dumping your old Christmas lights and replacing them with new LED lights.
• Electric cars.
• Diet egg nog.
• Keychain digital cameras.
• Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
• Flameless candles.
• Seasonal Muzak in stores.
• Non-stick bakeware.
• ‘Pre-lit’ artificial Christmas trees.
• Giant exercise balls.

Today’s Question: On average, THIS happens to a woman 4 times in her lifetime.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: She falls in love.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize … you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

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