Monday, December 21, 2009       Edition: #4169
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

• Tiger Woods’ furious 34-year-old wife Elin reportedly aims to drive the golfer out of her life with 3 hard-hitting shots: A divorce, sole custody of their kids, and half his estimated $600-million fortune. Woods is said to have lost any chance of reconciliation by reneging on a promise to go to rehab for addiction to prescription drugs Ambien and Vicodin. Elin’s confidence in her tough stance has apparently solidified since contacting renowned California divorce lawyer Sorrell Trope, who represented Britney Spears in her court battles with Kevin Federline. ($300 million would be second only to Mel Gibson’s rumored $450-million celebrity divorce settlement.)
– “News Of the World”
• Saturday 22-year-old Kevin Jonas of the Jonas Bros wed his former hairdresser-girlfriend Danielle Deleasa despite a major blizzard. The wedding was held at Oheka Castle, a turn-of-the-century French-style chateau on a sprawling Long Island NY estate, and was attended by 400 friends & family. Event planner Michael Russo created a fairytale forest under heated white tents, complete with 14-foot trees draped in hydrangeas and crystals made to look like icicles. He says the heavy snow only served to make it look even more like a winter wonderland. (Kevin’s fan mail is about to nosedive.)
• 47-year-old actress Demi Moore is said to be less than pleased that steamy naked pictures of her 31-year-old husband Ashton Kutcher with another actress have been released to promote the movie “Spread”. Ashton stars alongside (as well as underneath and over top) 40-year-old actress Anne Heche in the story of a shameless young man who hits on rich older women. (Don’t worry, Demi. The flick already tanked in theaters and nobody even noticed the DVD release.)
• Perfectionist actress Penelope Cruz says she’s often thrown off film sets because she wants to repeat her scenes so many times. The Spanish Oscar winner admits she infuriates her co-stars while filming, as she always wants to redo her lines. (Thanks to her, “Nine” almost became “Ten”.)
• Justin Timberlake tops a new list of ‘Most Charitable Stars’, thanks to his continued work for Shriners’ Hospitals for Children. His involvement has an annual impact of more than $9 million, a figure that dwarfs Madonna’s $5.5 million for Raising Malawi, and Pamela Anderson’s $4.8 million for PETA. Media mogul Oprah Winfrey’s work for her personal charity, Oprah’s Angel Network, nets almost $4 million, while U2 frontman Bono’s annual impact on the ONE Foundation is estimated at $3.6 million. (Why not rank their charities as a percentage of their net worth? Could show an entirely different story!)
• 44-year-old “Sex & The City” star Sarah Jessica Parker has found inspiration for her new fragrance from … body odor. She’s already made a mark in the perfume world with her signature scent ‘Lovely’. Now she says she’s working on an as-yet-unnamed gender-less fragrance that’s reminiscent of B-O. Why? She think’s it’s ‘sexy’. (‘Eau to Gymnasium’)
– World Entertainment News Network
• And Brazilian model Gisele Bundchen & her NFL QB husband Tom Brady (New England Patriots) have finally settled on a name for their son, born on December 9th. Gisele reveals on her website that the little tyke is to be known as ‘Benjamin’. (Benjamin Bundchen-Brady … BBB.)

• Celine Dion – The 41-year-old has reportedly enraged neighbors over the construction of a water park on her $12.5-million, 5.7-acre Jupiter Island property in Florida. The plan is said to include 2 giant pools, several waterslides, and a ‘lazy river’, much like an amusement park.
• Katy Perry – Her Brit boyfriend Russell Brand has just purchased a 7-bedroom, $3.5-million Hollywood Hills CA estate that will apparently serve as their first shared home. They only began dating in September.
• Keith Urban – The 42-year-old country star is reportedly often left hungry because he doesn’t have an appetite for wife Nicole Kidman’s super-healthy meals that feature no sugar, salt, butter, or oil. His solution? He visits his favorite fast-food outlets.
• LeAnn Rimes – Her husband Dean Sheremet has finally filed for divorce following a 3-month separation, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’. (BS translation: She’s still boinking Eddie Cibrian.)
• Lil Wayne – Saturday he performed a show at the Laredo Entertainment Center that he was forced to postpone Friday when Texas police allegedly found marijuana on 2 of his tour buses. He & 11 others aboard were detained on suspicion of drug possession, leaving him no choice but to call off the Friday show at the last-minute. (He already has trials scheduled in February and March … his dance card’s getting full!)
• Michael Jackson – As “BS” predicted, Jermaine Jackson’s tribute concert to his late brother has been scrapped a 2nd time. Originally planned for Vienna, Austria in September, it was canceled due to a lack of performers willing to participate. Now a rescheduled event planned for London UK next Summer has also been nixed.

• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Norah Jones (“The Fall”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Dave Matthews Band (“Big Whiskey & The GrooGrux King”)
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Michael Bublé (“Let It Snow”).
• “Jay Leno Show” (NBC/CityTV) – Adam Lambert (“For Your Entertainment”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Leona Lewis (“Spirit”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Julian Casablancas (“Phrazes For the Young”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Sting (“If On a Winter’s Night …”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – Amerie (“In Love & War”).
• “The Sing-Off” (NBC) – The winning group is revealed in the mini-season finalé; appearances by Bobby McFerrin, Boyz II Men, Natasha Bedingfield, Smokey Robinson.
• “Tavis Smiley” (TBS) – Mary J Blige (“Stronger With Each Tear”).
• “Today Show” (NBC) – David Archuleta (“Christmas From the Heart”).
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Silversun Pickups (“Swoon”).

Australian public health specialist Dr Nathan Grills of Monash University claims that Santa Claus is a bad role model. How so? He encourages obesity, drunk-driving, and risk-taking. Grills speculates that the big guy is overweight thanks to all the snacks left out for him by families worldwide; and he may be over the limit while driving from partaking in all the Christmas cheer. Furthermore, he doesn’t even wear a seatbelt! Grills recommends (hopefully tongue-in-cheek) that Santa should be encouraged to adopt a more active method to deliver toys such as swapping his reindeer for a bike, walking or jogging. (Hey, thanks for the sweaty toys.)
– “British Medical Journal”

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 71% of Christmas celebrants open gifts Christmas Day; 29% do it Christmas Eve.
• 64% of millionaires have never owned a second home.
• 37% of employers now allow workers to have ‘flex-time’.
• 34% of men & 28% of women have never married.
• 24% of women regularly take a pill in order to sleep.
• 4% of adults sleepwalk.

Those who are stressed-out getting ready for the holiday season can now ‘dial-a-beach’ as a new service from UK telecommunications provider Orange. About 70% of Brits surveyed say the sound of the sea lapping against the shore is the ultimate calming sound, followed by a crackling log fire, the sound of a forest, and birdsong. Now mobile phone customers can listen to all of them for free on the ‘Orange Relaxation Line’ whenever they need time-out in the run up to Christmas. (What sound chills you out?)

• In Ireland, it is believed the gates of Heaven open at midnight on Christmas Eve and those who die go straight on through the pearly gates.
• In Greece, some people burn their old shoes during the Christmas season to prevent misfortunes in the coming year.
• In the Swedish countryside, from rooster-crow to daybreak on Christmas morning, it’s believed the trolls (wicked elves) roam about.
• In Devonshire, England a girl raps at the henhouse door on Christmas Eve. If a rooster crows, she will marry within the year.
• In Germany, a blindfolded goose will touch first the girl in the circle who will wed first.

Winter arrives today in the Northern Hemisphere as usual. There may be a much more dramatic Winter Solstice coming up in 3 years. On December 21, 2012 the Mayan calendar comes to an end. Books and conferences for New Age types have wrestled with the meaning of this event. One theory, perpetuated by the recent movie “2012”, is that it forecasts some enormous calamity such as the end of the world (after all, it’s been almost a decade since we’ve had an end of the world). One academic speculates online that we are moving into ‘the galactic center and our planet will be showered with a higher frequency of photon radiation’. (Our take on the whole issue is … the ancient Mayans ran out of writing space.)


A London, England law firm has come up with a ‘must-have’ Christmas present for unhappy couples … divorce gift vouchers. Lloyd Platt & Co claims to have had hundreds of enquiries since putting the vouchers on sale, which offer couples half-hour or hour-long advice sessions with an attorney. Prices start at about $250 and go up from there depending on the services pre-purchased. The firm has already sold more than 50 in just 3 weeks. (They come in a lovely little greeting card reading: “Merry Christmas … and goodbye!”)
– “Daily Telegraph”


Your hair grows slower in the Winter than it does in the Summer, thanks to hormones called androgens.


1937 [72] Jane Fonda, NYC, movie actress (“Monster-in-Law”)/2 Academy Awards (“Coming Home” 1978, “Klute” 1971)/ex-Mrs Ted Turner 1991-2001

1948 [61] Samuel L Jackson, Washington DC, movie actor (“Snakes On a Plane”, “Pulp Fiction”)

1957 [52] Ray Romano, Queens NY, movie actor (“Ice Age” movies)/TV sitcom actor (“Everybody Loves Raymond” 1996-2005)

1965 [44] Andy Dick, Charleston SC, pseudo-comedian/TV personality (“Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew”)/sometime movie actor (“Blonde Ambition”, “Employee Of the Month”)

1966 [43] Kiefer Sutherland, London UK, TV actor (‘Jack Bauer’ on “24” since 2001)/movie actor (“The Wild”, “A Few Good Men”)/actor Donald Sutherland’s son/grandson of former Saskatchewan premier and 1st federal NDP leader Tommy Douglas

• “Haiku Poetry Day”, celebrating the unrhymed Japanese style of verse that’s written in 17 syllables divided into 3 lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables. A few samples for the season …
– “Week after Men’s Night / Have to wrap my presents tight / Or the wife will peek!”
– “Twelfth Day of Christmas / Shouldn’t have had all that nog / Drums are way too loud!”
– “Christmas can be fun / For Santa, this can wreck it / Reindeer with the runs!”

• “Humbug Day”, when 12 ‘humbugs’ are allowed to be uttered in order to vent the frustrations of preparing for the holidays.

• “Winter Solstice”, the shortest day of the year (except in the Southern Hemisphere, where Summer begins). Winter officially arrives at 12:47 pm EST. The solstice is celebrated in many ways …
– “National Flashlight Day”, a tongue-in-cheek commemoration of the year’s longest night.
– “Mumping Day” in England, traditionally when the poor go house-to-house begging for food.
– In the Wicca religion it’s “Yule”, marking the death of the Sun-God and his rebirth from the Earth Goddess. (Source of ‘Yule log’.)
– Iranians celebrate with “Yalda”, when fires and lights are lit and families stay up all night to help the Sun battle against darkness.
– The annual “Yukon International Storytellers Festival” features all-night music and stories in Whitehorse, Yukon.


1937 [72] Disney’s “Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs” premieres, the first full-length animated movie

1913 [96] 1st ‘Crossword Puzzle’, printed in “New York World” (Arthur Wynne devises what he calls a ‘Word-Cross’ for the Christmas edition, having no idea he would be starting a worldwide craze)

[Wed] “Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakuel” opens in movie theaters
[Thurs] Christmas Eve
[Fri] Christmas Day
[Fri] “It’s Complicated”; “Nine”; “Sherlock Holmes” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Kwanzaa begins
[Sat] Boxing Day (Australia, Canada, Germany, New Zealand, UK)
This Week Is … Halcyon Days
This Month Is … Colorectal Cancer Education & Awareness Month


A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• By leaving Santa a glass of milk and … a mutilated squirrel.
• Decorating the tree with slobber-soaked tennis balls.
• Laying by the fire with a nice brandy, licking themselves.
• Gingerbread-flavored worm pills.
• Attending candlelight vigil to remember neutered brothers.
• Drinkin’ eggnog … out of the toilet bowl.


At what age does ‘old age’ begin? (Interestingly, in a 1972 “Self” magazine poll most people said old age begins at … 50.)


Hairstyling for today’s program was provided by the wind.

You’re suffering from ‘taresthesia’. What the heck’s wrong with you?
a. You have ‘water on the knee’.
b. You’ve twisted an ankle.
c. Your foot’s asleep. [CORRECT]

Today’s Question: In a recent poll, THIS was the holiday food most people said they dread the most.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Dry turkey.


One thing you can’t recycle is wasted time.

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