Wednesday, December 13, 2006        Edition: #3429
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!

TODAY a hearing is scheduled in LA to rule on whether Anna Nicole Smith must comply with ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead’s paternity suit, which demands she present her baby daughter for DNA testing to determine it’s legal father (the LA Lakers must be worried) . . . TONIGHT the annual “Christmas in Washington” concert special airs (TNT), featuring Gretchen Wilson, Taylor Hicks and others performing seasonal selections at the White House . . . The most interesting part of pseudo-star Nicole Richie’s DUI charges after allegedly driving her Mercedes SUV the wrong way on Southern California’s 134 freeway MONDAY may be – the booking sheet reveals she’s 5′-1” and weighs 85 lbs . . . Actress Lindsay Lohan claims she’s been in AA for a year now and hasn’t had a drink – for an entire week now (wow, such commitment!) . . . Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy” is the most downloaded tune of 2006, according to the iTunes music store . . . TV networks CBS, NBC, and FOX are in talks about launching a website featuring videos from their respective programming, hoping to compete with YouTube (and getting a bigger piece of the new money pie) . . . Jada Pinkett Smith (Mrs Will Smith) has donated $1 million to Baltimore School for the Arts, the high school where she graduated, on the condition a theater be dedicated to her classmate, the late Tupac Shakur . . . And Mexican filmmaker Juan Catlett is accusing Mel Gibson of copying key scenes from his little-known 1989 movie “Return to Aztlan” in “Apocalypto”, for which Catlett alleges he was paid a consultation fee of just 100 pesos, about $9 (proving once again that as soon as you have a hit – somebody’s gonna sue!).

• Bette Midler – TODAY she does “The View” (ABC/CTV).
• Elton John – He’ll headline “Concert for Diana” in memory of the late Princess Di, to be staged by Princes William & Harry at London’s Wembley Stadium next JULY 1st, which would have been Diana’s 46th birthday. Also on the bill so far: Duran Duran, Bryan Ferry, Pharrell Williams, and Joss Stone. TODAY tickets go on sale online at $88 a pop, proceeds going to charities.
• Jet – TONIGHT they’re on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Blamestorming’ – A process in which a group of employees analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves.
• ‘Bobbleheading’ – The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting in response to comments by the boss, even though most have no idea what he/she just said.
• ‘Laughter Yoga’ – A new fitness fad in California that’s part traditional yoga, part improv. Participants limber up by putting their hands in the air, laughing hysterically, squawking like chickens, and talking gibberish.
• ‘SWANS’ (‘Strong Women Achievers, No Spouse’): A term coined by Christine Whelan, author of “Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women”. She contends today’s enlightened men are not put off by women with brains and careers.

Over the past 3 years real Christmas trees have made a comeback with consumers, according to the National Christmas Tree Association. Previously, artificial tree sales far outstripped sales of natural trees. But the increased demand has also led to a resurgence of ‘tree poaching’, forcing retailers and property owners to increase security to prevent their trees from being illegally cut and dragged off. The University of Nebraska has come up with one innovative solution – spraying evergreens with fox urine. A warning tag on each tree notes that when the tree is out in the cold, the smell isn’t noticeable, but once it’s dragged indoors … phew, it’s nasty!

Ever wonder what some of your favorite TV characters would earn in real life? Here’s a list of what people in those professions would average in annual salary …
• Neurosurgeon ‘Dr Derek Shepherd’ on “Grey’s Anatomy” (Patrick Dempsey) – $387,000.
• Infectious Disease Specialist ‘Gregory House’ of “House” (Hugh Laurie) – $191,000.
• Nuclear Safety Inspector ‘Homer Simpson’ on “The Simpsons – $67,000.
• Detective ‘Olivia Benson’ of “Law & Order: SVU” (Mariska Hargitay) – $45,000.
• Deliveryman ‘Doug Heffernan’ (Kevin James) from “King of Queens” – $42,000.
• ‘Special Agent Jack Bauer’ (Kiefer Sutherland) on “24” – Top secret confidential.

Fashion model Naomi Campbell and Australian feminist Germaine Greer were honorees at LAST NIGHT’s “Plain English Campaign” annual awards in London, a ceremony that identifies ‘mixed metaphor, mangled syntax or plain stupidity’. Campbell received the ‘Foot In Mouth Award’ for saying: “I love England, especially the food – there is nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta.” Greer received the ‘Golden Bull Award’ for her newspaper article stating, “The first attribute of the art object is that it creates a discontinuity between itself and the unsynthesized manifold.” Say what?
– “GQ”

Highlights of a new Forrest Research study on downloaded music …
• Worldwide, Apple has sold more than 1.5 billion songs and nearly 70 million iPods in total.
• Apple sells only 20 songs on average for each iPod device sold.
• Most iPod owners are filling the devices with music they have burned from existing CD collections or that’s been downloaded for free.
• Since JANUARY 2006, the number of iTunes music transactions has dropped by 58%.
• Over the past 12 months, just 3.2% of online households have made a purchase from iTunes.
• In the past year, more than half of iTunes purchases were less than $17, about the price of a single CD.
– “Globe and Mail”

Political activist groups say a new computer game in which players must either convert or kill non-Christians is the wrong gift to give this holiday season (ya think?). The Campaign to Defend the Constitution and The Christian Alliance for Progress are demanding that Wal-Mart dump “Left Behind: Eternal Forces”, a computer game inspired by a series of fictional Christian novels that are hugely popular, especially with teens.
– “Fortean Times”

The celestial object formerly known as ‘Pluto’ is now simply #134340 out of 136,563 asteroids and minor planets. The recent International Astronomical Union demotion of Pluto from full planet to the new category called ‘dwarf planet’ has left just 8 ‘classical planets’ in our Solar System. It’s also given rise to the new term ‘pluto’ as a verb: If you’ve been ‘pluto-ed’, you’ve been dumped.
– “ Wired Magazine”

Nokia, the world’s largest cellphone maker, is currently researching several innovations we may see in the future. One is a phone that can capture smells, such as the scents from a foreign country that you could bring home and release to friends. Another advance may be a mobile phone that never needs to be charged, thanks to solar cells hidden under its surface. (How about a phone that self-destructs when used in a moving vehicle?)
– Reuters

In Russia, a pack of vicious black squirrels has bitten a large stray dog to death in a park in the village of Lazo, apparently set off by the mutt’s barking. They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh. (Police are searching trees for a gang of gangsta rodents in hoodies.)
– BBC World


1925 [81] Dick Van Dyke, West Plains MO, movie actor ( “Curious George”, “Mary Poppins”)/TV actor (“Diagnosis Murder” 1993-2001, “Dick Van Dyke Show 1961-66, 1971-74)

1929 [77] Christopher Plummer, Toronto ON, movie actor (“Inside Man”, “Sound of Music”)/2 Tony Awards/2 Emmy Awards/1 Genie Award/Companion of the Order of Canada (1968)/Canada’s Walk of Fame (1999)/Governor-General’s Performing Arts Award (2001)

1943 [63] Ferguson Jenkins, Chatham ON, Canada’s first Hall of Fame MLB player (pitcher with 3,192 career Ks, 1971 Cy Young Award with Chicago Cubs, 20-game winner 7 times, only MLB pitcher to strike out over 3,000 while walking less than 1,000)

1957 [49] Steve Buscemi, Brooklyn NY, movie actor (“Charlotte’s Web”, “Fargo”)/TV actor (“The Sopranos” 2004-05)

1967 [39] Jamie Foxx, Terrell TX, movie actor (“Miami Vice”, 2004 Academy Award-“Ray”)/R&B singer (“Unpredictable”)

1975 [31] Tom DeLonge, Poway CA, rock singer (Angels and Airwaves-“We Don’t Need to Whisper “, Blink 182-“I Miss You”)

1981 [25] Amy Lee, Riverside CA, rock singer (Evanescence-“Call Me When You’re Sober”, “My Immortal”)

• “Show of Peace: The International Concert For Peace”, commemorating the 25th Anniversary of the “United Nations International Day of Peace”. A peace-theme concert will be broadcast worldwide (MTV), culminating in a performance of the new song “One Day” by a slew of acts that include Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony, Sean Paul, Chris Brown, and Bone Thugs n Harmony.

• “St Lucy’s Day”, honoring her 304 AD birth. Legend has it that, in order to follow a life of religious devotion, she cut out her eyes and sent them on a plate to a persistent lover who was haunted by them (especially afterward!). Today hotels in Sweden each feature their own ‘Lucia’, a young blond girl in white gown who serves guests coffee and ‘lussekatter’ (saffron buns) to celebrate.

• “Violins Day”, for some unknown reason. Don’t forget your G-string!

1982 [24] Vanna White turns over her 1st letter on “Wheel of Fortune” – it’s a ‘T’ (man, what a soft touch to make a living, huh?)

1985 [21] 1st movie with different endings (murder mystery “Clue” features 3 different finishes)

1996 [10] “Jerry Maguire” opens in movie theaters, starring Tom Cruise, Cuba Gooding Jr & Renee Zellweger (and people everywhere begin yelling, “Show me the money!”)

1983 [23] Detroit Pistons beat Denver Nuggets 186-184 in TRIPLE OT after 3 hours, 11 minutes to set NBA records for ‘Most Points by a Team’ and ‘Most Total Points in a Game’ (and Most Numb-Bums in the Stands!)

1988 [18] 3 men end 29-hour, all-466-station subway ride in NYC (and live to tell about it!)

[Thurs] Bouillabaisse Day
[Fri] Underdog Day
[Fri] US Bill of Rights Day
[Sat] Hanukkah begins
[Sat] Chocolate Covered Anything Day
[Sat] Las Posadas begins (Mexico)
[Sun] Maple Syrup Day
[Mon] Bake Cookies Day
This Week Is … Drunk Drivers Awareness Week
This Month Is … Hi Neighbor Month


• The Insomniac: 64-year-old farmer Hai Ngoc of Vietnam has not slept since coming down with a fever … in 1973. He’s somehow still healthy enough to carry two 50-kg (110-lb) bags of fertilizer down 4 km (2.5 miles) of road every day.
• The Twin: Until he had an operation in 1999, Sanju Bhagat of Nagpur, India suffered from one of the world’s most bizarre medical conditions, ‘fetus in fetu’. In other words, he carried the mutated body of his twin brother in his stomach … until he reached adulthood.
• The Unaware: Japanese soldier Shoichi Yokoi was discovered in a remote area of Guam in 1972. For 28 years he had been hiding in an underground jungle cave, not knowing the war had ended … World War 2, that is.
• The Squatter: Iranian refugee Mehran Karimi Nasseri has been living in the departure lounge of Terminal 1 at Paris’ Charles de Gaulle Airport … since August 8, 1988. A Hollywood version of his story was told in the 2004 Tom Hanks movie “The Terminal”.
• The Living Dead: 45-year-old Lal Bihari is a farmer from Uttar Pradesh, India who was officially dead from 1976 to 1994. He founded the Association of the Dead after fighting Indian government bureaucracy for 18 years to prove that he was alive. He’s discovered at least 100 other people in a similar situation … alive but officially dead.
• The Compulsive: 78-year-old Japanese inventor Yoshiro Nakamatsu has being photographing and scientifically analyzing every meal he has consumed … for 34 years. His goal is to continue to do that for the rest of his life, hopefully to the age of 140.
• The Swallower: 56-year-old French entertainer Michel Lotito is known as ‘Mr Eat-It-All’. His performances have included the consumption of entire bicycles, TVs, and, over the period of 2 years … an entire Cessna 150 airplane!

What’s the one holiday treat you can’t live without?

Some of the following headlines are taken word-for-word from tabloids. Some are total BS fakes. Your contestant must decide which is which while you read ‘em off rapid-fire …
• “Researcher Discovers the Joke-Telling Gene” [BS]
• “Belief in Elves Reaches All-Time High!”
• “My New Hubby Rubs Lipstick On His Own Collar!”
• “Jungle Tribe Worships Jay Lenos’s Chin!”
• “Scientist Reveals Thunder is Caused by Fat People Doing Jumping Jacks!”
• “Dog With No Legs Goes For a Daily Roll!” [BS]
• “Fear of Flying Class Makes Emergency Landing!”
• “World’s Fattest Twins Destroy Gym!”
• “Rally for Mermaid-Safe Tuna Held in Central Park!”
• “With Special Training, Your Nose Can Talk!” [BS]

Q: At a traditional Kazakh dinner party, you are served a sheep’s head. What does that say about your status?
Q: You are the highest-ranking guest. The least important person gets the cervical vertebra.
– “Times of London”

Dating is when you pretend you’re someone you’re not, to impress somebody you don’t even

Today’s Question: When blindfolded, most people can guess THIS with 95% accuracy just by smelling someone’s breath
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Whether they’re male or female.

No amount of darkness can hide a spark of light.

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