Monday, December 11, 2006        Edition: #3427
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!

• When it’s released this THURSDAY, the 2-year, $4-million official British inquiry into the 1997 death of Princess Diana will discredit all the conspiracy theories about her fatal crash, according to a report. Word has it the in-depth investigation found Diana was not engaged to boyfriend Dodi Fayed; her car was not sabotaged; there was no assassination plot or cover-up afterward; and new blood tests prove that she was not pregnant. What has been confirmed is the driver, Henri Paul, was 3 times over the alcohol limit for driving and also driving way too fast. (So basically, $4 million later, the initial story stands up as true.)
– “News of the World”
• Movie actor Eddie Murphy may have dumped ex-Spice Girl Melanie Brown after being convinced by a team of private detectives he hired that she was spending time with another man. Word is he ended the relationship after they showed him photos of her meeting a male friend in Los Angeles. (The woman he cheated on his wife with was caught cheating. How dare she!)
– Contact Music
• A new poll of British women about the men they fantasize about while making whoopee with their husbands and/or boyfriends is topped by ‘Bond’ actor Daniel Craig (“Casino Rayale”). Coming in 2nd? None other than TV personality Simon Cowell (“American Idol”). (Oddly, Prince Charles doesn’t make the top 100. In fact he’s slightly behind ‘Mr Bean’.)
– “Pop Goes the Week”
• Despite his weird mullet hairdo in “The Da Vinci Code”, Tom Hanks remains Hollywood’s most popular actor according to a new Gallup poll. On the other end of the scale, 34% of survey respondents say they would actively avoid going to see any movie starring Tom Cruise. (He’s getting close to Michael Jackson on the ‘Freak Factor’.)
– “E!”
• Madonna’s baby-hoarding and Kaballah obsession is said to be taking a toll on her marriage, and man-wife Guy Ritchie is reportedly close to walking … or at least riding. One report says he became so upset with her at one point that he threatened to leave the house on his bicycle. Another report says they’ve jetted off to the Indian Ocean retreat of the Maldives for a 2-week vacation on a private island where they’ll make a last-ditch attempt to save their 6-year marriage. (If she’s splits he’ll be left with nothing much more than his bicycle.)
– “National Enquirer”
• Good Charlotte frontman Joel Madden has apparently jumped back into the dating game after recently splitting with Hilary Duff by spending time with Nicole Richie. A friend of Madden’s claims Joel’s excited about the romance after the 2 hooked up at a Hollywood hangout. A pal of Richie’s says Nicole has never looked happier. (She even ate an entire pickle to celebrate.)
– “In Touch Weekly”
• Elvis Presley’s granddaughter, 17-year-old model Riley Keough has a new boyfriend and it seems her mom, Lisa Marie Presley approves. It’s 24-year-old semi-successful pop singer Ryan Cabrera, who formerly dated Ashlee Simpson. They’ve been spotted all over each other in a rock club. Reports say that mommy Lisa Marie sat alongside them, happily stroking her daughter’s hair while the new couple were making out. (Ew, kinda creepy, no?)
– Ananova News
• Actor Rob Lowe says he felt like shooting himself after he turned down the role of ‘Dr Derek Shepherd’ in “Grey’s Anatomy” and the show went on to become a mega-hit. Seems Lowe passed on the romantic lead, which eventually went to actor Patrick Dempsey and earned him the nickname ‘Dr McDreamy’. (Now Rob’s calling himself ‘McDummy’.)
– World Entertainment News Network

• Akon – TONIGHT he’s on the “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• Audioslave – After writing and recording the “Casino Rayale” theme, frontman Chris Cornell is next looking to polish off a 2nd solo album, believe-it-or-not to be highlighted by a cover of Michael Jackson’s 1983 hit “Billie Jean”.
• Carrie Underwood – TODAY she guests on the “Oprah Winfrey Show” (syndicated/CTV), alongside legendary crooner Tony Bennett, and pseudo-classical singer Josh Groban.
• Diana Krall – The jazz singer and her 3-year musician-hubby Elvis Costello are the proud new parents of twin boys Dexter Henry Lorcan and Frank Harlan James. It’s their first children together.
• Jennifer Lopez – She and Marc Anthony are planning to renew their wedding vows after being wowed by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ nuptials in Italy LAST MONTH.
• Panic! At The Disco – TONIGHT they perform on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Paul McCartney – He’s allegedly decided to  give estranged wife Heather Mills a secret $235-million divorce package in order to safeguard his health. It seems his daughters persuaded him that being happy is more important than the money. One of his aides confirms that it’s a ‘done deal’ and that McCartney is relieved about it.
• Ricky Martin – Is he still around? Apparently. TONIGHT he does “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC).
• Taylor Hicks – TODAY the “American Idol” winner does “The View” (ABC/CTV).
• Sara Evans – Her latest single, “You’ll Always Be My Baby”, is the basis for a new book with photos that reflects the lyrics of the song. Sara wrote a personal introduction for the book.
• Tim McGraw – His acting career continues to blossom as he’s just been cast to co-star in the upcoming mystery thriller, “In the Valley of Elah”, alongside Tommy Lee Jones, Charlize Theron, and Susan Sarandon. Tim will play a a police chief in the film to be directed by Paul Haggis (“Crash”).

Biologists from the University of Liverpool in Britain claim to have identified different ‘personalities’ in fish by observing their boldness or shyness in response to various stimuli. The fish were observed as they were exposed to strange new objects or involved in fights over food. The researchers found that the future behavior of each fish changed, depending on what they had seen or experienced. In other words, they learned from emotional responses. (“Mommy, my tuna sammich is crying!”)
– “The Telegraph”

According to an online survey by dictionary publisher Merriam-Webster, the word of the year for 2006 by a 5-to-1 margin is … ‘truthiness’. Coined by talk show satirist Stephen Colbert (Comedy Central/CTV), it’s defined as ‘truth that comes from the gut, not books’ (in other words, truth unvarnished by facts). Colbert first used the word during an October 2005 broadcast of “The Colbert Report”. Other finalists include ‘war’, ‘insurgent’, ‘sectarian’ and ‘corruption’. Colbert has derided Merriam-Webster as ‘word police’ and a bunch of ‘wordinistas’, but says he’s pleased with the honor.
– CP

• In India, a survey of 90,000 women conducted by the International Institute for Population Sciences found that about 56% agree that it is okay for a man to beat his wife for 1 of 6 reasons: Neglecting the house or children; going out without informing her husband; showing disrespect to in-laws; infidelity; inadequate dowry; and improper cooking.
• In South Carolina, a mother called Columbia police to report on her 12-year-old son and ask that he be charged with petty larceny because the wild child had the temerity to … open his Christmas present early. Some local officials are protesting, saying the woman should have pursued other options before calling the cops. Like giving her head a shake, maybe?
• In the UK, the man who has been dubbed ‘Britain’s Unluckiest Man’ is back in hospital after falling down a manhole and injuring his back. This is major accident #16 for 54-year-old John Lyne who has survived a lifetime of close calls. As a teen, he broke his arm when he fell out of a tree, then broke it again when the vehicle taking him to the hospital crashed. Since then, he’s nearly drowned, survived a rock-fall in a mine, been involved in 3 car accidents, and been struck by lightning … twice!.

Chinese electronics makers plan to switch completely over to a new format called ‘EVD’  (Enhanced Versatile Disc) by 2008. The machine’s maker claims the format offers crisper pictures, larger recording capacity and better anti-piracy features than standard DVD. They expect to begin exporting EVD players abroad NEXT YEAR, although no Hollywood studio has yet agreed to release product in the format. But insiders contend that won’t slow the Chinese manufacturer down, due to the overwhelming sales potential in its home market. (Great news, huh? That new HD-DVD you just bought the family as a gift? Piece of out-dated crap.)
– AP

So far, the leader in THIS YEAR’s “Darwin Awards”, which commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it, is a Brazilian man who tried to disassemble a rocket-propelled grenade … with a sledgehammer. The result was predictable. (Except for him apparently.)

A new invention now being marketed in South Africa will purportedly put an end to the unromantic chore of trying to put on a condom when you’re … well, in a hurry. The new ‘Pronto’ no longer requires you to tear open the wrapper and try to figure out which end is up. Instead, the wrapper is designed as part of the condom so you simply snap it open, grab the sides to unroll, then pull the wrapper off. Inventor Willem van Rensburg says even if you’re slow, it’ll only take you 3 seconds. He got the idea after studies showed the ‘struggle factor’ is the main reason people don’t use condoms.

• NASA scientists claim that it is 750-times-more-likely that you will be killed by an asteroid than that you will win this week’s lottery.
– “The Guardian”
• The most popular bobblehead figures include ‘Hula Girl’, ‘Shriner’, and ‘Jesus’.
• English philosopher Francis Bacon died of pneumonia after stuffing a chicken with snow to see if the cold would preserve it.
• People suffering from job burnout are almost twice as likely to develop Type 2 diabetes.


1944 [62] Brenda Lee (Tarpley), Lithonia GA, 4′-9” oldies singer who was 16 when she recorded “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”/Country Music Hall of Fame (1998)/Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (2002)

1958 [48] Nikki Sixx (Frank Ferranno), San Jose CA, rock bassist (Motley Crue-“If I Die Tomorrow”)

1966 [40] Gary Dourdan, Philadelphia PA, TV actor (‘CSI Warrick Brown’ on “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” since 2000)

1973 [33] Mos Def (Dante Smith), Brooklyn NY, movie actor (“The Italian Job”)/rapper (“Mathematics”)

• “Nobel Peace Prize Concert” in Oslo, Norway, celebrating the 2006 Nobel Prize winners. Movie actresses Sharon Stone and Anjelica Huston host the annual gala featuring performances by Lionel Richie, John Legend, Rihanna and Wynonna, among others.

• “Noodle Day”. Besides the versatile egg noodle, there are a gazillion types of pasta noodles including – Angel Hair, Fettuccine, Fusilli, Gnocchi, Lasagne, Macaroni, Manicotti, Penne, Rigatoni, Rotini, Spaghetti, Vermicelli, and Ziti. So what’s your fave?

• “Scaling Day” in Geneva, Switzerland, an annual celebration for over 400 years, since 1602. It’s when stores sell pot-shaped chocolate candies to represent the soup pots women used in medieval days to pour scalding water on any invaders attempting to ‘scale’ city walls. Charming.

1972 [34] Rock group Genesis debuts in a concert at Brandeis University in Massachusetts (includes Peter Gabriel, Phil Collins, Steve Hackett, Mike Rutherford, and Tony Banks)

1993 [13] Snoop Dogg’s “Doggy Style” album hits #1

1844 [162] 1st ‘Dental Anesthetic’, used by Dr John Riggs (before that … mallet to the forehead)

1946 [60] United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund (UNICEF) is established

2000 [06] 1st ‘Player/Owner’ in NHL history as Pittsburgh Penquins owner Mario Lemeiux announces he’s coming out of 3-plus-years of retirement to play again

1937 [69] Toronto beats Winnipeg 4-3 in the Grey Gup game played latest in the year (perhaps the ball shattering on kickoff convinced officials December was too cold?)

1985 [21] Edmonton Oilers beat Chicago Blackhawks 12-9 to tie NHL record for goals in a game (21) and set record for most points (goals and assists) at 62

[Tues] Poinsettia Day
[Tues] Ding-A-Ling Day
[Thurs] Bouillabaisse Day
[Fri] US Bill of Rights Day
[Sat] Hanukkah begins
[Sat] Chocolate Covered Anything Day
[Sat] Las Posadas begins (Mexico)
This Week Is … Human Rights Week
This Month Is … Stress-Free Family Holiday Month


• “Severed Leg Hops to Hospital!”
• “Tofu Mutilations Blamed on Aliens from Vega!”
• “Homer’s ‘Iliad’ Originally Written on Achilles’ Cast!”
• “Indian University Offers Extremely Advanced Degrees for Reincarnated Students!”
• “Noah Had Dinosaurs on the Ark!”
• “Child Found in Beard!”

• Have you ever deliberately disabled a safety device? If so, what was it meant to protect?
• What is the most extreme deed you have performed on a dare?

• “Happy Elderly Martyr Without Five-Cent Pieces” [“Jolly Old Saint Nicholas”]
• “In Another Place Meant For Bovine Feed Storage” [“Away In A Manger”]
• “Please Permit Crystalline Formations To Descend” [“Let it Snow”]
• “Aging Matriarch Plowed Under By Quadruped” [“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”]
• “Caribou With Vermilion Olfactory Appendage” [“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”]
Contestants try to identify the Christmas tunes from the convoluted clues …
• “Oh Seasonal Tall Coniferous Plant” [“Oh Christmas Tree”]
• “During The Dark Hours When Herdsman Supervised Their Charges” [“While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night”]
• “Are You Listening To What I Am Listening To?” [“Do You Hear What I Hear?”]
• “Bipedal Traveling Through An Amazing Acreage During Mother Nature’s Dormancy” [“Walking in a Winter Wonderland”]
• “The Event Occurred Shortly After 11:59 pm, Visibility Unlimited” [“It Came Upon A Midnight Clear”]

Today’s Question: Although we might not have done it ourselves, 78% of us think it’s okay for others to do THIS during the holiday season.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Re-gift.

The taste of low quality lingers long after the satisfaction of low price.

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