Monday, December 4, 2006        Edition: #3422
Sheet Happens!

• Comedian-turned-media punch-bag Michael Richards has now agreed to go before a mediator with the 2 men who were at the receiving end of his racist rant at an LA comedy club in order to apologize in person and finally settle the matter. A cash settlement could be part of the resolution. A time and place for the meet has not been set. How ‘bout a reality TV boxing ring?
– “E! Online”
• Paul McCartney says he’s been seeing a psychiatrist for help since the breakup of his marriage in MAY. His other ‘therapy’ has been writing music. Oh great, here comes the follow-up to “Ecce Cor Meum”.
– “Radio Times”
• According to those ubiquitous ‘insiders’, it seems that low-life K-Fed may have been cheating on Britney Spears with a stripper while they were still together. In his defense, at least strippers wear underwear some of the time. Meantime, Federline is trying to get a grip on reality … TV, that is. He’s working with “House of Carters” producer Kenneth Crear to develop his own reality series. We can only hope he strives to achieve the same quality as “Britney & Kevin: Chaotic”.
– “Star Magazine”
• Movie star Tom Cruise has just bought a $4.75-million pad in Sussex UK. The 6-bedroom ‘cottage’ features an indoor swimming pool, underground garage, sports pavilion, games room, penthouse, greenhouse and a staff cabin. But the real attraction is more likely … it’s only a stone’s throw away from the Church of Scientology’s British headquarters.
– “The Sun”
• AA-list actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly didn’t go home for the Thanksgiving holiday because her sneaky mother Dina had an intervention planned. Seems even mom was shocked by Lindsay’s Vicodin-Dilaudid-Ambien-nitrous oxide-cocaine-cutting extravaganza a few weeks ago. At least she’s avoided huffing glue … so far.
– “Off the Rack”
• Now that it’s over, the ugly truth is starting to come out. It seems Kid Rock’s mommy hated Pamela Anderson and just to bug her, she’d wear … fur coats.
– “Us Weekly”
• ‘Kermit the Frog’ is apparently writing his autobiography. Makes you wonder … can one keyboard with webbed feet?
• Sacha Baron Cohen’s movie “Borat” has sparked an unlikely tourism boom in Kazakhstan. New stats show that Internet searches for accommodation in the capital city of Astana are up 300% and the Kazakhstan embassy in Washington DC is receiving 100 calls a week from wannabe visitors. Before you book your trip, keep this is mind: TODAY’s forecast for the capital calls for lots of snow and a high of …  -5 C. Makes you wanna snuggle up with sister, no?
– “Contact Music”
• And after almost splitting up, “Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria is now engaged to NBA player Tony Parker. Word has it he flew into Los Angeles after a game and surprised her at her home after she got off work. The couple plans to wed in France NEXT SUMMER in a large ceremony with lots of family and friends. Men weep.
– “National Enquirer”

• Beyoncé – THIS MORNING she’s a guest on the “Today Show” (NBC).
• Brooks & Dunn – TONIGHT through Wednesday, they’re doing shows at the Las Vegas Hilton.
• David Hasselhoff – TODAY a court hearing is scheduled in LA to decide spousal support in his messy divorce with estranged wife Pamela Bach. An earlier agreement prevents her side from revealing how much money he actually has. Far more than he deserves, if you ask us.
• Chingy – He’s on “Last Call With Carson Daly” TONIGHT (NBC).
• Joan Jett – TONIGHT the classic rocker visits “Late Night With Conan O’Brien” (NBC).
• Paul McCartney – TODAY at a Christie’s auction in NYC his handwritten lyrics to the song “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” from The Beatles’ “Abbey Road” album are expected to fetch upwards of $300,000. Also going under the hammer, love letters written by Bob Dylan and yet another guitar owned by rock icon Jimi Hendrix. Is there a factory somewhere cranking these out?
• Pete Doherty – The frontman for marginally successful Brit band Babyshambles and on-and-off boyfriend of model Kate Moss is due to be sentenced in London UK on 7 drug charges TODAY. Can he possibly somehow avoid jail-time once again?
• Sarah McLachlan – THIS MORNING she’s on “Live With Regis & Kelly” (CBS/CTV).
• Travis Tritt – He’s guesting on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” TONIGHT (CBS).

TONIGHT the annual music awards based on data gathered from “Billboard” magazine’s music charts are handed out  live at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas (FOX). A few highlights …
• Mary J Blige, Nickelback, Rascal Flatts, and TI lead the field with multiple nominations.
• Scheduled performers include Fergie, The Fray, Gwen Stefani, Janet Jackson, The Killers, Ludacris, and Mary J Blige. Celine Dion has cancelled her appearance due to illness.
• Presenters include “American Idol” finalists Chris Daughtry & Katharine McPhee, JoJo, and Wynonna.
• The “Playboy” models from TV’s “Girls Next Door” (E!) are the official trophy presenters.
• 80-year-old crooner Tony Bennett receives the ‘Century Award’ for career achievement.
• And the best news of all – Paris Hilton will NOT be appearing because … she didn’t like the jokes written for her. As if she can read cue cards anyway.

There is an entire field of study called ‘Risk Compensation’ which suggests that the safer you feel, the more risk you’ll take. Traffic planners in the town of Drachten in the Netherlands (population 50,000) have been conducting an experiment to determine if that proves true when it comes to driving. Some 7 years ago traffic lights were completely removed from 12 of the town’s 15 intersections in hope that the increased risk would cause drivers to be more cautious. Guess what? So far it seems to be working, with only a few minor accidents and not a single fatality in all that time. An official says it works well … because it is dangerous. (Well, let’s get rid of seatbelts too then!)
– “Telegraph”

Guys, if you ever wanna shot at seeing her again, try to avoid these mishaps on the first date …
5. Constantly interrupting. Not only is it impolite, it tells her that you’re more interested in hearing your own voice than hers.
4. Dressing inappropriately. Women put a lot of thought into their first date outfit … a lot. Maybe you could take 5 minutes working on it, too?
3. Talking about taboo topics, ie: ex-girlfriends, past heartbreak, religion, politics, and money.
2. Staring at the waitress. Women want to believe you’re with them because you want to be with them.
1. Getting loaded. This is not a bachelor party, it’s a first date!

Listen up, guys. According to Dr Francois Eid of New York Presbyterian Hospital in NYC, eating fatty foods that lead to cholesterol-saturated blood and hardened arteries will shorten your … er, package. Eid’s research suggests that for every 35 lbs of weight loss, there is an average increase in the length of a guy’s equipment of 1 inch. (Hey [co-host], just 70 lbs to lose and you can double down!)
– AP

A new study claims that chocolate milk is just as good at helping athletes regain their strength after exercising as those high-priced ‘power’ drinks. Experiments show that athletes drinking chocolate milk during workouts perform just as well as athletes drinking a fluid-replacement drink, and about 50% better than athletes drinking a carbohydrate replacement drink. An expert suggests that may be because the active ingredients in all of the drinks are much the same: water, carbs, proteins, minerals and electrolytes. It’s likely just a coincidence the research was funded by the Dairy & Nutrition Council of America, no? (The downside is, dumping a pail of chocolate milk on your coach is really icky.)
– Yahoo News

• An acre of Christmas trees produces enough daily oxygen for 18 people, according to the National Christmas Tree Association. But that’s if you don’t chop ‘em down.
• ‘Xmas’ is not a disrespectful abbreviation. It has been used for centuries in religious writing, where the ‘X’ represents chi, the first letter in the Greek word for ‘Christ’. As well as ‘Xbox’.
• There are at least 3 American municipalities named ‘Santa Claus’.


1940 [66] (Lady) Barbara Amiel, Watford UK, sometime newspaper & magazine columnist (“National Post”, “Macleans”)/Mrs Conrad Black since 1992 (or as he’s now known, Lord Black of Crossharbour … and perhaps soon as inmate #44765)  FACTOID: TONIGHT the CTV made-for-TV movie “Shades of Black” tells the story of Black (played by Albert Schultz), Amiel (Lara Flynn Boyle), and the charges brought against him by the US Securities & Exchange Commission.

1949 [57] Jeff Bridges, LA CA, movie actor (“Stick It”, “Seabiscuit”)/son of late actor Lloyd Bridges/brother of actor Beau Bridges

1955 [51] Brian Prout, Troy NY, country musician (Diamond Rio-“I Believe”, “Beautiful Mess”)

1964 [42] Marisa Tomei, Brooklyn NY, film actress (“Alfie”, 1992 Oscar-“My Cousin Vinny”)

1969 [37] Jay-Z (Shawn Carter), Brooklyn NY, rap artist/producer/composer (“Show Me What You Got”, “Excuse Me Miss”) who’s worked with Beyoncé,  Mariah Carey, Mary J Blige, Missy Elliott, Pharrell and many others/Beyoncé fiancé

1973 [33] Tyra Banks, LA CA, TV personality (“America’s Next Top Model” since 2003, “The Tyra Banks Show” since 2005)/fashion model (“Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show”)/sometime movie actress (“Coyote Ugly”)

1981 [25] Lila McCann, Steilacoom WA, country singer (“Come a Little Closer”, “With You”)

• “Cookie Day”, celebrating the yummiest treat of all. As poet Edgar Guest once wrote: “I’m sorry for people, whoever they are, who live in a house where there’s no cookie jar.” What’s the best kind of all? Chocolate chip? Oatmeal and raisin? Peanut butter with macadamia nuts?
• “Extraordinary Work Team Recognition Day”, a day for bosses to generously pass out ‘attaboys’ … thereby saving on Christmas bonuses.
• “St Barbara’s Day”, patron saint of firemen, architects, mathematicians, fireworks, miners, sailors, and against lightning, fire, explosions, and sudden death (whew!). Tradition has it that girls should place a cherry tree twig in a glass of water on this day. According to the old custom, if it blooms by Christmas Eve, they’ll marry in the next year. BTW, the drugs collectively known as ‘barbiturates’ were named after this saint because barbituric acid was discovered on this day.
• “Stress-Free Holidays Month”, as declared by the group ‘Parenting Without Pressure’. It’s a reminder for parents to strive for more stress-free holidays for their families. The Website lists ideas on how to enjoy the holiday season without going out of your mind …
• “Wear Brown Shoes Day” for some unknown reason. To get the full effect, make sure you wear ‘em with something black.

1980 [26] Rock supergroup Led Zeppelin disbands

1909 [97] 1st “Grey Cup” game (University of Toronto 26, Parkdale Canoe Club 6)

1920 [86] 1st American professional football playoff game (Buffalo 7, Canton 3)

1930 [76] Vatican approves ‘Rhythm Method’ of birth control (unfortunately Caucasians can’t get the hang of it)

1982 [24] 1st human killed by a bowling ball (Hernia? Swallowing? Were other victims ‘spared’?)

[Tues] International Volunteer Day
[Tues] Bathtub Party Day
[Tues] “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” released on DVD
[Wed] Day of Remembrance & Action on Violence Against Women
[Wed] St Nicholas Day
[Wed] Pawnbrokers Day
[Thurs] Grammy Awards nominees announced
[Thurs] Christmas Lights Across Canada 2006
[Thurs] National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
[Thurs] 2006 Christmas Pageant of Peace opening (Washington DC)

Christmas Tree Week / Cookie Cutter Week / Aplastic Anemia Awareness Week / Tolerance Week / Recipe Greetings For The Holidays Week / Operation Santa Paws Week / Handwashing Awareness Week


All of these are legit country tunes … except for the one that’s a total fake. Can you find it?
• “She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger”
• “You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly”
• “I Can’t Get Over You So You Turn Out the Light” [FAKE]
• “Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure”
• “She’s Looking Better After Every Beer”
• “I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, But I’ve Sure Woke Up With A Few”

Contestant must complete [the next line] to these popular holiday season songs …
• “It’s a marshmallow world in the winter … [When the snow comes to cover the ground.”]
• “Oh by gosh, by golly … [It’s time for mistletoe and holly. “]
• “I’ll have a blue Christmas without you … [I’ll be so blue thinking about you.”]
• “Oh, bring us a figgy pudding; Oh, bring us a figgy pudding … [“Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.”]
• “5 golden rings!” …. [4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.”]
• “Strings of street lights, even stop lights … [Blink a bright red and green as the shoppers rush
home with their treasures.”]
• “Come they told me …” [“Pa rum pum pum pum.”]
• “Jingle bell time is a swell time … [To go gliding in a one-horse sleigh.”]
• “Don we now our gay apparel … [Fa la la la la la la la la.”]

Happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but no one feels the warmth as you do.

The Los Angeles-based Laurel Canyon Animal Company claims it carries out market research among animals to compile collections of tunes that pets will like. For example, some 200 dogs judged the songs that ended up on a compilation called “Songs to Make Dogs Happy!” There are also collections for cats and birds.

Today’s Question: 27% of us like to do THIS in the bedroom but 8% prefer to do it in the laundry room.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wrap gifts.

Those who want to learn listen; those who know it all interrupt.

“BS” salutes Aaron & Tasso @ Q92 [CFQR] Montréal QC who’ve just re-upped their subscription for year #9 (thanks Aaron!); and we welcome samplers this week that include Alice Mayport @ Original Hits 1330 [WYPC] Jackson OH; Dick Williams @ Star 102 [KCKC] Kansas City MO; Kedrick Johnson @ KFAT Anchorage AK; Teresa Rodriguez @ Classical 95.5 [KHFM] Albuquerque NM; and Simon O’Neill @ ZM FM Wellington, New Zealand. As always, you can subscribe or renew your subscription right here ….

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