Wednesday, December 12, 2012        Edition: #4888

Here’s More Bull Roar!

According to a new poll, TV satirist Stephen Colbert is the favorite choice of South Carolinians to replace Jim DeMint, who is vacating his US Senate seat at the end of the year (goes to show how fed up most people are with politicians) . . . It’s been announced that Queen Elizabeth II will deliver her traditional Christmas message this year in 3-D (thereby adding depth to Brits’ boredom) . . . 73-year-old “The Hobbit” star Ian McKellen (‘Gandalf’) tells “Daily Mirror” he’s had prostate cancer for 6 or 7 years, but the disease is not life-threatening (aren’t you glad you had ‘the glove’ every year for nada?) . . . Charlie Sheen’s embattled ex-wife Brook Mueller is reportedly back in rehab after suffering what’s described as ‘a negative reaction to prescription pills’ (BS translation: an entire bottle of them) . . . Embattled former “Sesame Street” puppeteer Kevin Clash is facing a new lawsuit from a 4th accuser over alleged underage relations (it’s beginning to seem ‘Elmo’ was tickled pink by boys) . . . Actor Charlie Sheen tells “Entertainment Tonight” he’s still not received a thank-you from Lindsay Lohan for the money he gave her to help pay back-taxes, a gift reportedly in the neighborhood of $100,000 (which he hilariously describes as ‘payment she was owed from a project’) . . . 23-year-old “Nashville” star Hayden Panettiere (ABC) is single again after splitting from her out-of-work football-player boyfriend Scotty McKnight (here’s a clue why – she told “Access Hollywood” just a month ago, “He’s prettier than me”) . . . is reporting that actor Jason Segel is ‘unlikely’ to sign if there is a 9th season of “How I Met Your Mother” on CBS-TV (just as well, this show’s way beyond it’s best-before date, no?) . . . And 33-year-old occasional actress Busy Phillips (“He’s Just Not That Into You”) has found an innovative way of announcing her second pregnancy, taking to Twitter to post a pic of a pee stick (how trailer-trashy).

• “Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2012” (ABC) – In her annual special, Walters talks to the likes of novelist EL James and TV show creator Seth MacFarlane.
• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Adam Levine (Maroon 5).
• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – Michael Stipe (REM).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Atlas Genius (“Through the Glass”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – The Heavy (“The Glorious Dead”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Florida Georgia Line (“Here’s To the Good Times”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Grizzly Bear (“Shields”).
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – Ashanti (“Ashanti’s Christmas”).
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/CTV2) – Serena Ryder (“Harmony”).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Jason Mraz (“Love Is a Four Letter Word”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Willy Moon (“Yeah Yeah”).
• “12-12-12 Benefit  Concert” (NYC) – Among the musicians performing at Madison Square Garden to aid victims of Hurricane Sandy: Alicia Keys, Billy Joel, Bon Jovi, Bruce Springsteen, Chris Martin, Dave Grohl, Eddie Vedder, Eric Clapton, Kanye West, Paul McCartney, Roger Waters, The Rolling Stones, and The Who. The event will be available to 1 billion people across 6 continents via dozens of TV and radio networks, Internet sites, and in select movie theaters.
• “The X Factor” (FOX/CTV2) – The finalists perform.

• The Beatles – Today a collection of memorabilia owned by George Harrison’s family is expected to sell for 6 figures at a Bonham’s auction in London. It includes a leather jacket he bought in Hamburg, Germany which he wore onstage there and at Liverpool’s Cavern Club.
• Beyoncé – She’s signed a reported $50-million endorsement deal with Pepsi. “New York Times” reports she’ll appear in a new Pepsi TV ad next year (her 5th), as well as on a series of limited-edition Pepsi cans. Pepsi will also sponsor her 2013 Super Bowl halftime performance.
• Black Sabbath – Today all of the Ozzy Osbourne-era albums are being re-released as a vinyl box set. “The Vinyl Collection: 1970-1978” contains 9 LPs and comes with a download voucher, a book of tour programs, and a 7-inch record of the band’s debut single, “Evil Woman”.
• Lady Gaga – She’s joining the Rolling Stones on stage during their 50th anniversary tour concert in New Jersey this weekend, along with Bruce Springsteen, and the Black Keys. Yahoo! Music will host the exclusive pay-per-view live stream of Saturday’s show.
• Nine Inch Nails – Trent Reznor tells “New Yorker” he’s partnering with Beats By Dre to develop a new streaming music service, currently called ‘Daisy’.
• Rihanna – She’s posted new pics on Instagram showing her wearing nothing but a black bra and a fur coat in a ski chalet. The exhibitionist collection was shot during what seems to be a Winter break with model-pal Melissa Forde, who also appears in some of the photos.
• Rolling Stones – Mick Jagger’s ‘passionate and articulate’ love letters sent to secret lover Marsha Hunt in the Summer of 1969 are being auctioned by Sotheby’s in London today. The series of 10 letters from 25-year-old Jagger were written to the US-born singer (the inspiration for the Stones’ 1971 hit “Brown Sugar”) while he was in Australia.
• Taylor Swift – She tells UK “Cosmopolitan” that she’s so terrified of falling victim to a stalker that her security team sends her photos of crazed fans to watch out for.

New terms leaking into our lingo …
✓ ‘Contactless’ – The new type of debit or credit card that does not require a pin number or signature, it can just be waved over a sensor. (The machines were everywhere at this Summer’s London Olympics.)
✓ ‘Pay-Neutral’ – Describes work that barely covers an employee’s expenses once childcare costs, travel, etc have all been added up. (“I just quit my pay-neutral job because it’s cheaper to stay home.”)
✓ ‘Spankbuster’ – A new genre of novel featuring scenes of sado-masochism. (In terms of worldwide sales, EL James’ spankbuster “Fifty Shades of Grey” is taking a run at Dan Brown’s “The Da Vinci Code”.)

A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 52% of teenagers have never bought a postage stamp.
• 35% of us are doing our holiday shopping via smartphone.
• 26% of employees who work for a corporation do not know the name of their CEO.
• 23% of men would rather watch someone do a home improvement project than do it themselves.
• 17% of us plan to give a Christmas gift this year that’s homemade.
• 9% of us are opting out of Christmas gift buying this year (46% wish we could).

There seems to be a lot of concern about how much money some people are spending on electricity for Christmas lights. The price of electricity varies from place-to-place, and often by day-part, but a typical price is 12¢ per kilowatt hour. That means that if you burn 1,000 watts for the span of 1 hour, you’ll pay 12¢. A few samples of how that translates …
• A few strings of mini white incandescent lights and a couple of strings of white LED lights on trees … a total of 238 watts or 3¢ per hour.
• A 7-foot Christmas tree decorated with white mini-lights … 150 watts or less than 2¢ per hour.
• An average bungalow with scores of white snowflakes along the eaves lit with mini-lights … 202 watts or about 2¢ per hour.
• A 2-story house with those simple, tasteful icicle lights outlining each story … 430 watts or 5¢ per hour.
• A major showpiece display with tons of lights, motorized animations, a half-dozen lighted characters, candy-cane lighted walkways, etc … 2.3 kilowatts, still just 28¢ per hour.
(You get the idea … don’t be a Scrooge!)

• Mustache Soother – You can get ‘em started on the old soup strainer early with a Chill Baby Lil’ Shaver Mustache Pacifier ( Or how about a stash of grape-flavor gummy mustaches? (
• Santa’s Farting Pillow – We’re not sure who’d actually want this super plush, ultra soft Santa Bootie that blows a great north wind when you press the button on his foot. And we’re even further perplexed as to who the hell would ever pay $19.99 to buy one (
• Zombie Christmas Cards – The zombie fad continues unabated, and what better way to dismember the season than with a 4-pack of classic-looking holiday cards that have been given an admittedly graphic, undead makeover (

• ‘James Bond’ is getting more and more violent. Researchers at New Zealand’s University of Otago have found that violent acts in ‘Bond’ films were more than twice as common by the time “Quantum of Solace” was released in 2008 compared to the original 1962 movie “Dr No”. (Now there’s a tough gig … sitting around watching movies all day. “Oooo … how many guys got shot that time?”)
• Grieving pet owners in Singapore can soon share their feelings about furry family members after they pad off to the great beyond via obituaries in the largest local newspaper. Starting Sunday, “The Straits Times” will publish goodbye messages from pet people to their non-human companions along with an accompanying photo. (“Ye wuz a deaf dog, tho ye always knowed when th supper-bell rang …”)
– cnews
• In the small African nation of Swaziland a legislator wants to raise the tax on rich witch doctors. They currently pay $1.15 a year for a licence, but the lawmaker points out they’ve raised their rates by 4-times in recent years and the money they pay the government falls far too short of the money they make. (This is how the Swazis [Swazians? Swazticas?] are moving away from the fiscal cliff.)

Rising levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere may have a silver lining … doubling the size of the sweet potato, the 5th-most-important food crop in the developing world. The hardy sweet potato is increasingly becoming a staple in Africa and Asia, producing more edible energy per hectare per day than wheat, rice, or cassava according to the International Potato Center. Most studies of the effects of higher atmospheric carbon dioxide on crops have also shown rising yields of rice, wheat, and soy. (This is all great news but … will there be anyone around to eat the stuff?)

• Approximately 1 billion snails are served in restaurants annually.
• China uses 45 billion chopsticks per year. That means 25 million trees need to be chopped down to make the sticks.
• Pepsi-Cola was invented by Caleb Bradham in 1890 and first marketed as ‘Brad’s Drink’, a digestive aid and energy booster. It was renamed Pepsi-Cola in 1898.


1949 [63] Bill Nighy, Caterham, England (“Pirates Of the Caribbean” films, “Love Actually”)

1970 [42] Jennifer Connelly, Round Top NY, movie actress (“He’s Just Not That Into You”, “A Beautiful Mind”)/wed to actor Paul Bettany since 2003  COMING UP: “Noah”, 2014.

1975 [37] Mayim Bialik, San Diego CA, TV actress (‘Amy Farrah Fowler’ on “Big Bang Theory” since 2010, “Curb Your Enthusiasm” 2005-07, “Blossom” 1990-95)

1977 [35] Bridget Hall, Springdale AR, fashion model (“Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show”) who’s appeared on more than 200 fashion magazine covers

• “Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe”, one of Mexico’s major celebrations. The holiday has been observed since 1746 to honor the country’s patron saint, the ‘Dark Virgin of Guadalupe’ (also patron saint of Corona-with-lime). An estimated 10 million visit her basilica in Mexico City annually.

• “Poinsettia Day”, honoring Dr Joel Roberts Poinsett (1799-1851), the American diplomat who introduced us to the Central American plant named for him in 1828. It’s now a favorite decoration during the holiday season. In fact, close to 60 million poinsettias are now grown in North America each year.

2002 [10] Movie actor Nick Nolte pleads no contest to drugs DUI in Malibu, California and is sentenced to 3 years’ probation (his wild-haired mug shot has become an online classic)

2003 [09] Rolling Stones’ frontman Mick Jagger is knighted at Buckingham Palace  BS FACTOID: According to the biography “Mick: The Wild Life and Mad Genius of Jagger”, her nibs ER2 had son Prince Charles do the job as she did not think ‘Sir’ Mick suitable for the honor.

1925 [87] 1st ‘Motel’ opens, the Milestone Mo-Tel in San Luis Obispo, California (‘Mr & Mrs John Smith’ are 1st to check in)

1981 [31] Hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky scores NHL’s quickest 50 goals (in just 39 games)

[Thurs] Rolling Stones play Newark NJ
[Fri] “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Monkey Day
[Fri] Salesperson Day
[Sat] Cat Herders Day
[Sun] “VH1 Divas Special” (VH1)
[Sun] Chocolate-Covered Anything Day
This Week Is … Halcyon Days
This Month Is … Worldwide Food Service Safety Month


✗ Shady guy at the door ringing a bell for something called the ‘Salvation Navy’.
✗ Boss offers to give you a raise, and he’s not talking about money.
✗ The stockings are stuffed with office supplies you already have at home.
✗ Thanks to the alcohol-free punch, not a single butt gets photocopied.
✗ Instead of “Twas the Night Before Christmas”, boss recites employees’ personal emails.
✗ You end up making out in the janitor’s closet … with the janitor.
✗ Christmas tree is just a fat intern in a green sweater.
✗ It’s so tame nobody compromises their marriage with the office skank.
✗ You work at a synagogue.

I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, I was still inside.

• In Sweden, a common Christmas decoration is the Julbukk, a small figurine of a goat. Of what material is it usually made?
a. Candy
b. Straw [CORRECT]
c. Fir wood
d. Uranium

• In Tchaikovsky’s popular holiday season ballet “The Nutcracker”, who is the nutcracker’s main enemy?
a. A girl called Clara.
b. The King Of the Mice. [CORRECT]
c. Drosselmeyer the Magician.
b. Dr No.

☎ Should fines be levied on obnoxious mass transit commuters? In France, complaints about rude or unruly passengers have rocketed by 25% this year. In response, state-owned railway SNCF is imposing a new array of tougher fines that include:
✗ Putting feet up on seats … €45 ($58).
✗ Smoking while onboard … €68 ($88).
✗ Pulling the emergency brake without reason … up to €700 ($900).

Question: The average man will buy 13 of THESE in a year; the average woman 17.
Answer: Bottles of wine.

Goodwill is a weapon against which there is no defense.

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