Friday, December 16, 2011        Edition: #4653
Ah, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

Today “Playboy” magazine responds to last week’s online leak of Lindsay Lohan’s nude pictorial by releasing the January issue ahead of schedule (too late, anybody with the inclination has already seen it) . . . 81-year-old Hollywood veteran Clint Eastwood is heading to reality TV, with his former news anchor-wife Dina and their 2 teens being followed by cameras documenting their everyday lives (if you think this seems out of character for Clint, you’re right – he’s only agreed to make a few cameos) . . . After weeks of rumors, satellite radio’s Howard Stern has confirmed he’s joining NBC-TV’s “America’s Got Talent”, replacing Piers Morgan on the judging panel (leaving to focus on his floundering CNN show “Piers Morgan Tonight”) . . . Newly-single US Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn wants you to know she is NOT dating Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, despite recent rumors (don’t worry Tim, you’ve still got time to come from behind!) . . . Courtney Love is facing eviction from her Manhattan townhouse after infuriating the owner by changing decor without permission, setting her curtains on fire causing a small blaze, and – oh – she also allegedly owes over $50,000 in rent (the tenant from hell – wasn’t this a movie?) . . . Lawyers for Charlie Sheen’s ex, Brooke Mueller, have successfully had her Aspen, Colorado court date to face charges of assault & cocaine possession changed from next Monday to January 23rd (the reason – she’s in rehab) . . . Word has it an internal battle is taking place at NBC-TV over broadcasting chairman Ted Harbert’s first choice to replace Matt Lauer when he leaves the “Today” show next year – “American Idol’s” Ryan Seacrest (can you picture him anchoring a 9/11-type disaster?) . . . And comedian Joan Rivers claims she’s delighted her 43-year-old daughter Melissa is dating Steven Hirsch, founder of adult entertainment company Vivid Entertainment (Quote: “He’s Jewish and a businessman, and I’m 78-years-old and now I get a discount on lubricant”).

• “Christmas in Washington” (TNT) – Tonight Conan O’Brien hosts the annual pre-taped concert from the National Building Museum in Washington DC. Performers include The Band Perry, Cee Lo Green, Jennifer Hudson, Justin Bieber, and Victoria Justice.
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Tonight Laura Marling (“A Creature I Don’t Know”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Tonight Vince Gill (“Guitar Slinger”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight Atmosphere (“The Family Sign”); Lupe Fiasco (“Lasers”). Rerun.
• “Live With Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Today guest co-host Michael Bublé (“Christmas”).
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Host “SNL” alum Jimmy Fallon; musical guest Michael Bublé (“Christmas”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Chris Cornell (“Songbook”).

• Guns ‘N Roses – This weekend Duff McKagan rejoins his former band by opening for them with his new band Loaded in Seattle, Washington tonight and in Vancouver,  British Columbia tomorrow. The bassist quit the legendary rock group in 1997. (Could be a trial to see if they can stand appearing together at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction next year.)
• Justin Bieber – This week he was pulled over by LAPD in Los Angeles for making an unsafe left turn … in his custom Batmobile CTS . He was let off with a warning. (After a Bat-Signal from the chief?)
• Katy Perry – She’s admits to Perez Hilton that she relies on autocue to help her remember lyrics when performing, because she’s singing 15 songs a night and sometimes blanks out or is caught daydreaming onstage. (How professional.)
• Michael Jackson – Saturday an auction is being held to sell off the contents of the rented home in Holmby Hills, California where he died. MTV News reports the sale will include fine art and home furnishings … but NOT his death bed.
• The Pogues – “Fairytale of New York” has just been named Britain’s ‘Most Played Christmas Song of This Century.’ The 1987 track, featuring late singer Kirsty MacColl, has been the most prevalent seasonal song on UK radio, TV, and Internet since 2000. (Interestingly, it’s virtually unheard in North America.)
• Rodney Atkins – He’s filed for divorce, which isn’t too surprising since cops were called to his home last month due to an ‘unfortunate verbal dispute’ with his wife. That led to a booking for suspicion of domestic assault. His rep says Atkins is confident ‘the truth will prevail’. (As in “Honesty”).
• Trace Adkins – He’s joined up with the group Exile for a new recording of their 1978 mega-hit “Kiss You All Over”, which topped pop charts for 4 weeks. No word yet on when the new version will be released. (The hook line: “I wanna kiss you all over … and over again.”)

• “Alvin & The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked” ( G-Rated Family Animation ): Playing around while aboard a cruise ship, the Chipmunks and Chipettes accidentally go overboard and end up marooned in a tropical paradise. They soon discover their new turf is not as deserted as it seems. Voice cast includes Justin Long, Matthew Gray Gubler, Jesse McCartney.
• “Carnage” ( R-Rated Dramedy ): Director Roman Polanski’s story follows the parents of two boys who’ve been involved in a fight. As they meet to cordially find solutions to the problem, their increasingly childish behavior throws the evening into chaos. Stars Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet, Christoph Waltz, John C Reilly.
• “Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol” (PG-13 Action Adventure in IMAX/Select Theaters): Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, and Paula Patton star in this 4th instalment in the franchise in which the ‘IMF’ is shut down after being implicated in a bombing of the Kremlin. That causes ‘Ethan Hunt’ and his new team to go rogue in order to clear their organization’s name.
• “Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows” ( PG-13 Crime Thriller ): It’s elementary. The 2009 original grossed over $500 million worldwide, so now Robert Downey Jr & Jude Law are facing off with arch-nemesis ‘Moriarty’ (“Mad Men’s” Jared Harris). Joining them are Rachel McAdams, Stephen Fry, and Noomi Rapace (star of the Swedish-made “Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”).

A family in Croatia have transformed their estate into a Winter Wonderland with more than – whoa! – 1.2 million Christmas lights. Every year the Salaj family mark Christmas by decorating their 17-acre property in the village of Grabovnica. They started the festive tradition in 2002, adorning their home with 70,000 lights and calling their project a ‘Christmas Story’. Their display now entails close to 3 miles (4.8 km) of underground power cables, along with some 111 miles of wire (179 km) connecting lights in trees and shrubs. It takes around 6 months to set up. (So why even bother taking it down?)
– “Daily Telegraph”

Learning like ‘Neo’ in the “Matrix” movies could be closer than you think thanks to joint research by Boston University and Japan’s ATR Computational Neuroscience Laboratories. Their experiments suggest that in the future we may be able to use brain technology to learn  instantaneously and without any conscious effort. A person seeking to learn a topic would simply watch a computer screen and have their brain patterns modified to match those of a person who already knows the content or how to do something. (At last … fluency in French!)
– “Science”


Ultra-loud TV commercials will soon be a thing of the past. This week America’s Federal Communications Commission passed regulations requiring that TV channels maintain constant volume levels. The order, which goes into effect a year from now, stipulates that commercials must have the same average volume as the programs they accompany. (They’d likely get more attention if they whispered.)
– “USA Today”

“TIME” magazine’s ‘Person Of the Year’ is “The Protester”. Not a single person but any and all who participated in demonstrations worldwide, from the ‘Arab Spring’ to ‘Occupy Wall Street’ and its many spin-offs around-the-world. It’s been a year of prolific protesting unseen since the civil rights demonstrations and anti-war rallies of the 1960s and early ‘70s. (Fight the man!)

In 2001, Leonard Lauder of Estée Lauder claimed that cosmetic sales increased as the world’s fiscal health plummeted, a phenomenon he dubbed the ‘lipstick index’. But now lip color is being overshadowed by nail polish, the newest cosmetic darling that’s achieved a 65% increase in sales since 2008. Candy-colored bottles of lacquer are seemingly the new affordable luxury. (Unless you go into a nail salon and ask for the works.)

Recent research conducted by the University of Glamorgan in Wales suggests that men become more ill-tempered at the age of 52, and by the time they hit their 60s they are 4 times grumpier than women. (“Grumpy Old Men” – not just a movie, it’s a fact!)
– “Esquire”


1941 [70] Lesley Stahl, Lynn MA, extremely well-preserved (renovated?) TV journalist (“60 Minutes” since 1991)

1946 [65] Benny Andersson, Stockholm, Sweden, oldies singer (ABBA-“Mamma Mia”, “Dancing Queen”)

1949 [62] Billy Gibbons, Houston TX, classic rock guitarist/singer (ZZ Top-“Legs”, “Tush”)

1963 [48] Benjamin Bratt, San Francisco CA, TV actor (“The Cleaner” 2008-09, “Law & Order” 1990, 1995-99)/movie actor (“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”, “Miss Congeniality”)

1975 [36] Benjamin Kowalewicz, Montréal QC, rock singer (Billy Talent-“Rusted From the Rain”, “Devil In a Midnight Mass”)

1979 [32] Flo Rida (Tramar Dillard), Carol City FL, rapper (f/Ke$ha-“Right Round”, f/T-Pain-“Low”)

1988 [23] Anna Popplewell, London UK, movie actress (“The Chronicles of Narnia” films)

Movie actor-comedian Eugene Levy (“American Pie” films) is 65; Rock bassist Mike Mills (REM) is 53; Country singer Tracy Byrd (“Drinkin’ Bone”) is 45; Country bassist Duane Propes (Little Texas) is 45; Rock drummer Eddie Fisher (OneRepublic) is 38; Movie actress Milla Jovovich (“Resident Evil” films) is 36; Rock drummer Neil Sanderson (Three Days Grace) is 33; TV actress Jennifer Carpenter (“Dexter”) is 32.

Rock guitarist Keith Richards (Rolling Stones) is 68; Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg (“Indiana Jones” films) is 65; Movie actor Ray Liotta (“Goodfellas”) is 56; Movie star Brad Pitt (“Moneyball”) is 48; Movie actress Katie Holmes (Mrs Tom Cruise) is 33; Pop singer-actress Christina Aguilera (“Burlesque”) is 31.

• “Chocolate Covered Anything Day” (So fill up the tub!)
• “Las Posadas” begins, the traditional 9-day Mexican Christmas celebration that includes breaking open a pinata. Similarly, “Misa de Gallo” (literally “Rooster’s Mass”) in the Philippines runs today through January 6th, said to be the world’s longest Christmas celebration.
• “Stupid Toy Day”, a half-hearted salute to some of the bad inventions marketed for kids. How about these real but really dumb ideas: ‘Inflatable 6-Foot Alien’, ‘Slingshot Flying Cow’, ‘Solar-Powered Dancing Flowers’, ‘Zombie Brain Gelatin Mold’, and … ‘Pick Your Nose Cups’.
• “Tea Party Day” in Boston, Massachusetts, on the anniversary of the original 1773 ‘Boston Tea Party’, a protest over taxation by American colonists. (A holiday for Michelle Bachmann?)
• “Underdog Day”, the 35th annual on the 3rd Friday in December saluting all underdogs and unsung heroes, the ‘Number Twos’ who contribute so much to the ‘Number Ones’ that we always hear about: Sherlock Holmes’ Dr Watson, Robinson Crusoe’s Friday, Captain Kirk’s Mr Spock, etc. Ask listeners for other followers who’ve been under-appreciated.

• “First Flight Anniversary Celebration” (aka “Wright Bros Day”) at Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina. A tradition since 1928, it honors the Wright Bros’ flight at Kitty Hawk on December 17th, 1903.
• “International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers”, the 8th annual when organizers are asking sex workers and their customers worldwide to gather at 5 pm local time to honor those who’ve been killed while on-the-job.
• “National Maple Syrup Day”, honoring the great Canadian taste treat. There are over 12,000 maple syrup producers in Canada, accounting for more than 85% of world production. The province of Québec is the world’s top-ranked producer, accounting for more than 70% of all production.
• “Saturnalia” began, the week-long festival in ancient Rome honoring Saturn the planter god, which initiated the lasting traditions of exchanging gifts, illuminating lights, and closing businesses. Early Christian church leaders scheduled “Christmas” at this time of year partly to counteract this extremely popular pagan celebration.

• “International Migrants Day”, a day of solidarity for migrant workers on the anniversary of the UN’s 1990 adoption of rights for all migrant workers & their families. About 17,000 migrant farm workers come to Canada each year to pick fruits & vegetables.
• “Wear a Plunger On Your Head Day”. Don’t know why, what, or where. Sounds like fun though … kinda.

2010 [01] “Larry King Live” ends after 25 years on CNN as the 77-year-old host retires

1971 [40] Don McLean releases the 8-and-a-half minute single, “American Pie”, one of the longest songs to ever hit the pop chart (perfect for air personality washroom breaks!)

1991 [20] Chubby Checker (“The Twist”) sues McDonald’s for $14 million after it allegedly uses a sound-alike voice in a Canadian commercial for its french fries

2006 [05] A nervous grandmother mistakenly puts her 1-month-old grandson through an X-ray machine at Los Angeles International Airport before a startled security worker notices on the monitor and quickly pulls him out (fortunately no harm done)

1998 [13] Kevin Cole of Carlsbad, New Mexico sets a new world record by blowing 7 inches of spaghetti out of his nose, beating the previous record of 5 inches (mom must be so proud!)

[Mon] “VH1 Divas” (VH1)
[Tues] Hanukkah begins (Jewish)
[Wed] “A Home For the Holidays With Martina McBride” (CBS)
[Wed] Crossword Puzzle Day
[Wed] Humbug Day
[Wed] Homeless Persons Remembrance Day
This Week Is … Drunk Drivers Awareness Week
This Month Is … Safe Toys & Gifts Month


• Mistextophobia … the fear that you just sent a text to the wrong person.
• Masstextophobia … the fear that you mistakenly sent a private text to everyone you know.
• Niltextophobia … the fear that you cannot text because the wireless is down.
• Juvenophobia … the fear you will be the last of your friends who is allowed to text.
• Nextextophobia … the fear that everyone will move on just as you figure out how to text.
• Czechophobia … the fear that your text will be spell-checked so as to be unintelligible.
• Fugophobia … the fear your text will be spell-checked with an embarrassing word substitution.
• Facetofacephobia … the fear that you will have to stop texting and actually speak to the person sitting across from you.
• Thumbophobia … the fear that you will lose the ability to text in a freak kitchen accident.
– Thanks to Jill Bronfman.


Why not give a gift that’s actually useful? Heifer International is a charitable organization that invites first-world donors to help families in developing countries by giving the gift of cows, goats, or even camels. If you can’t afford to give an entire beast, you can buy a single share. (An entire flock of chicks is only 20 bucks.)

Help reduce carbon dioxide in our atmosphere … INHALE only.

Which is your least favorite holiday tradition? (How about putting up and taking down decorations?)

Question: Stats show most of THESE are adults, and more than half of them are men.
Answer: Shoplifters.

Happiness is wanting what you have.

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