December 16, 2013

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Monday, December 16, 2013        Edition: #5124

Ah, Your Daily Bovine Colonic!

★ The show biz media has spent months tracking every development in the Khloe Kardashian-Lamar Odom saga, but now it looks like it’s come to the beginning of the end. The reality TV star has filed for divorce from her former basketball player-husband. The papers were filed on Friday, with Khloe citing irreconcilable differences. It would seem likely the divorce will be fairly straight-forward, since the couple has a solid pre-nup and no children together. (On the other hand, the show could use a little drama to spice things up so …)
★ 55-year-old rocker Prince is reportedly set to make an unlikely cameo on Zooey Deschanel’s FOX-TV show “New Girl”. Reports suggest the “Purple Rain” singer is a fan of the show and actually contacted producers and asked for a role, even pitching a story idea surrounding a pajama dance party, like the one he hosted at his Paisley Park home in Minnesota earlier this year. The episode featuring Prince will air after the Super Bowl in February. (This would be really exciting … if it was 1999.)
★ After facing criticism for the lack of diversity earlier this season, “Saturday Night Live” (NBC) is finally taking steps to hire at least one African-American female castmember, the first since Maya Rudolph’s departure in 2007. The successful candidate(s) will join the cast for shows in January. Long-time producer Lorne Michaels says that about 25 women have been auditioned, a lot of them ‘really good’. Quote: “Hopefully we’ll come out of the process well.” (BS translation: Hopefully people will get off my frickin’ back.)
★ And who woulda thought? Madonna will reportedly spend Christmas with ex-hubby Sean Penn after dumping her much younger boy-toy Brahim Zaibat. She recently went on a charity trip to Haiti with the 53-year-old actor to whom she was married 1985-89, and it’s thought the pair may now be rekindling their romance. A source says Madonna needs to be challenged, which Sean does; and they’ve been in touch non-stop. Friends are said to be joking they’ll be remarried by this time next year. (They truly deserve each other.)

• “Big Morning Buzz Live” (VH1) – This week Backstreet Boys are taking over the show to do interviews, play games, and offer up daily performances.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Kings of Leon (“Mechanical Bull”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Megadeth (“Super Collider”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Capital Cities (“In a Tidal Wave Of Mystery”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Chris Cornell f/Joy Williams (“12 Years A Slave: Music From and Inspired By the Motion Picture”)
• “National Christmas Tree Lighting 2013” (PBS) – In a rerun of the December 6th ceremony, “Glee” star Jane Lynch hosts a holiday concert that culminates with the lighting of the giant Christmas tree on the Ellipse in front of the White House in Washington DC. Performances by Aretha Franklin, Avett Bros, Janelle Monae, Mariah Carey, Train and more.
• “The Restart Project” (AOL) – Debut of a new web series that follows women who embrace healthy lifestyles to overcome adversity. Rather than worrying about getting into skinny jeans, they’re focused on healing themselves from the inside out. Gwyneth Paltrow and her famous trainer Tracy Anderson are behind the project.
• “The Sing-Off” (NBC) – The groups perform songs they hope will please all generations.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Jake Bugg (“Shangri La”).
• “Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2013” (CW) – Rerun of the annual holiday season special in which lingerie ‘angels’ strut their stuff. Musical performances by Fall Out Boy, British girl group Neon Jungle, and Taylor Swift. Recorded in NYC November 13th.
• “The Voice” (NBC/CTV) – The artists perform for the coaches.

• Beyoncé – Her surprise new self-titled ‘visual album’ on iTunes includes 17 videos, one for each album track plus 3 additional. The songs also come in a standard mp3 version in case you don’t want to sit through an entire hour of video footage.
• Celine Dion – She’s announced she’ll appear live via satellite on the “Entertainment Tonight Canada” New Year’s Eve show (Global) from her 3-year Las Vegas concert residency, “Celine”. “X Factor” judge Demi Lovato headlines the annual countdown show in Niagara Falls ON.
• Jack White – His divorce from estranged wife Karen Elson has been finalized. They separated in 2011 and she filed for divorce last year after 6 years of marriage. White has been granted a total of 150 days a year with their 2 children, daughter Scarlett and son Henry.
• John Mayer – Although he & girlfriend Katy Perry dueted on the tune “Who You Love”, Mayer says they tend to stay in their own lanes when it comes to their music careers. Quote: “That’s what we say – ‘you were fine before I met you, you don’t need my advice,’ and vice versa.”
• Justin Bieber – Today he releases “Journals”, a digital compilation of  his ‘Music Mondays’ songs, plus 5 previously unreleased tracks, videos, and the trailer for his upcoming “Believe” movie. The package is available on iTunes through January 2nd.
• Linkin Park – They’re teaming up with The Offspring to play a benefit concert for victims of the typhoon in the Philippines. The bands will come together for a special show in Los Angeles in January to raise funds for Music For Relief, which provides aid to disaster areas.
• Queen – Drummer Roger Taylor tells the January issue of “Reader’s Digest” that flamboyant frontman Freddie Mercury was so obsessed with his appearance, he placed his pants under his mattress to keep them wrinkle-free while he slept.
• R Kelly – He’s announced that he’s has been working on his first holiday season album, to be called “The 12 Nights of Christmas”. He expects to deliver the goods in time for Christmastime 2014.

It’ll be freezing. It may be snowing. Across the river, NYC will be in gridlock for a week. Oh, and now there’s no tailgating allowed. Officials have announced the following rules for Super Bowl 48 on February 2nd at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford NJ …
• Fans will be allowed to have food & drink only inside their vehicles, provided they’re within the boundaries of a single parking space.
• There will be fewer than 13,000 parking spaces available for fans. Stadium seating: 82,566.
• Fan Express buses will pick up passengers at 9 locations around the region … for $51-a-head.
• No cars will be allowed near the stadium on game day without parking passes, and any car that drops off a passenger will have to wait at the stadium.
• You cannot walk to the Super Bowl. You can get your hotel to drop you off at a Fan Express or New Jersey Transit stop, but you cannot walk in to the Super Bowl site.
(You’re still allowed to cheer out loud … we think.)

A new study finds that smartphones, Facebook, and Twitter may be altering the sexual habits of Brits … and not for the better. The large-scale, once-a-decade poll of more than 15,000 people finds that they’re now having sex less than 5 times-a-month, down significantly from 10 years ago. Researchers think modern technologies are fueling the trend as more and more people take tablets and smartphones into the bedroom. Other factors dulling the libido are thought to be money woes, modern life stresses, and online porn replacing the real deal. (Not to mention poor dental health.)
– “The Lancet”

There’s a reason why men’s noses are bigger than women’s (and it’s not because men lie more). A new University of Iowa study that charts nose size and growth reports that male noses are, on average, 10% larger than female noses. The research team has found that gender differences in beak size begin to materialize at around age 11, roughly in concert with the onset of puberty, which sparks the growth of more lean muscle in men and more fat in women. It’s thought that bigger noses enable men to draw in more oxygen, which helps them grow and maintain those muscles. (So much for the age-old belief that women are more nosy.)

✓ It’s impossible to tell if someone is really awake without close medical supervision. People can take cat naps with their eyes open without even being aware of it.
✓ A new baby typically results in 400-to-750 hours lost sleep for parents in the first year.
✓ 17 hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood-alcohol level of 0.05%.
✓ As a group, 18-to-24 year-olds deprived of sleep suffer more from impaired performance than older adults.
✓ No one knows for sure if other species dream, but some beasts have sleep cycles similar to humans.

The more your child plays with food, the more he or she is learning . A research team at the University of Iowa focused on a group of 16-month-old children to ascertain how they learned words for non-solid objects (learning words for solid items is easier because they rarely change size or shape). Researchers gave the tots items such as applesauce and pudding, plus some made-up words. A minute later, the kids were asked to identify the same food item in different sizes and shapes. The results: Those infants who interacted the most with the food were more likely to correctly identify them by texture. (“Mmmm, tastes gooey!”)

The artificial sweetener aspartame – widely used in low-calorie soft drinks – poses no health risks at currently approved consumption levels, the European Union’s food safety watchdog has announced. Studies that have linked aspartame to health risks, including cancer and premature birth, have been blamed for a drop in sales of diet soft drinks. But now food safety regulators on both sides of the Atlantic have called these results into question, citing data gaps in the studies and other concerns. (Aspartame is a methyl ester of the aspartic acid phenylalanine dipeptide. Sounds totally natural to us!)

• In Canada, there are now more 20-somethings living with their parents than in couples.
• There’s a twins-only military unit in Russia.
– Magazine Monitor


1941 [72] Lesley Stahl, Lynn MA, extremely well-preserved (renovated?) TV journalist (“60 Minutes” since 1991)

1946 [67] Benny Andersson, Stockholm, Sweden, oldies singer (ABBA-“Mamma Mia”, “Dancing Queen”)

1949 [64] Billy Gibbons, Houston TX, classic rock guitarist-singer (ZZ Top-“Legs”, “Tush”)

1963 [50] Benjamin Bratt, San Francisco CA, TV actor (“Private Practice” 2011-13, “Law & Order” 1990/1995-99)/movie actor (“Despicable Me 2”, “Miss Congeniality”)

1975 [38] Benjamin Kowalewicz, Montréal QC, rock singer (Billy Talent-“Surprise Surprise”, “Rusted From the Rain”)

• “Chocolate Covered Anything Day”. What unusual food enveloped in chocolate have you eaten? Chocolate-covered coffee beans … mmm!

• “Las Posadas” begins, the traditional 9-day Mexican Christmas celebration that includes breaking open a piñata. Similarly, “Misa de Gallo” (literally “Rooster’s Mass”) in the Philippines runs today through January 6th, said to be the world’s longest Christmas celebration.

• “Stupid Toy Day”, a half-hearted salute to some of the bad inventions marketed for kids. How about these real but really dumb ideas: ‘Inflatable 6-Foot Alien’, ‘Slingshot Flying Cow’, ‘Solar-Powered Dancing Flowers’, ‘Zombie Brain Gelatin Mold’, and … ‘Pick Your Nose Cups’.

• “Tea Party Day” in Boston, Massachusetts, on the 240th anniversary of the original 1773 ‘Boston Tea Party’, a protest over taxation by American colonists.

1994 [19] Farrelly Bros’ comedy “Dumb & Dumber” opens in movie theaters, starring Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels (“Dumb & Dumber To” is coming in 2014, set 20 years after the original)

2010 [03] “Larry King Live” ends after 25 years on CNN as the 77-year-old host retires

1983 [30] The Who officially break up … the first time

1993 [20] Soft Rock 102.5 [KEZK] St Louis MO becomes the first radio station to ban Michael Jackson from its playlist after recent allegations of child sexual abuse

1973 [40] Buffalo Bills running back OJ Simpson becomes the 1st NFL player to rush for more than 2,000 yards in a single season (2,003)

1998 [15] Kevin Cole of Carlsbad, New Mexico sets a new world record by blowing 7 inches of spaghetti out of his nose, beating the previous record of 5 inches (mom must be so proud)

[Tues] Full ‘Cold’ Moon
[Tues] Free Shipping Day
[Tues] Wright Bros Day
[Wed] Answer the Phone Like Buddy the Elf Day
[Wed] International Migrants Day
[Wed] “Canada’s Walk of Fame Awards 2013” (Global)

Christmas Bird Count Week / Gluten-free Baking Week / Halcyon Days


Highlight bits culled from 20 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• Mistextophobia … the fear that you just sent a text to the wrong person.
• Masstextophobia … the fear that you mistakenly sent a private text to everyone you know.
• Niltextophobia … the fear that you cannot text because the wireless is down.
• Czechophobia … the fear that your text will be spell-checked so as to be unintelligible.
• Fugophobia … the fear your text will be spell-checked with an embarrassing word substitution.
• Facetofacephobia … the fear that you will have to stop texting and actually speak to the person sitting across from you.
• Thumbophobia … the fear that you will lose the ability to text in a freak kitchen accident.
– First published in “BS” 2011.

• Florida plates so he doesn’t look like a tourist.
• Mrs Claus to be lot more naughty and a little less nice.
• Time-and-a-half for being stuck working on a statutory holiday every year.
• Just once – along with presents, leave a hefty bill for ‘shipping and handling’.
• Non-union elves.
• Reindeer not on a high-fiber diet.
– First published in “BS” 1993.

I don’t take drugs … I’m not even an athlete.

☎ Which Christmas recording do you never want to hear again? A new poll published in “Daily “Telegraph” includes The Beach Boys’ “Little Saint Nick”; Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You”, and Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas”. For us, Jose Feliciano’s much over-played “Feliz Navidad” (1970) is a teeth-grinder and an immediate channel-changer.

Question: About 20% of people will miss out on getting a raise at work because they do THIS.
Answer: Dress too casually. (Yahoo! Jobs)

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

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