Wednesday, December 19, 2012        Edition: #4893

Can You Believe This Sheet?

“The Bull Sheet” is on holiday hiatus from December 24th through January 2nd inclusive. Subscribers will receive credits for missed service days. If you’ve received an expiry notice, be sure to get your renewal in to ensure “BS” service in the new year.

Director Michael Bay has dismissed reports that a copy of the script for his upcoming sequel “Transformers 4” has leaked, insisting the material circulating online is fake (it’s obviously bogus – it actually has a storyline!) . . . 2012 has been the year of ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Channing Tatum and the year’s not over yet – he’s just announced wife Jenna Dewan is expecting their 1st child (soon to be ‘Sexiest Dad Alive’) . . . “Daily Mirror” claims Charlie Sheen drunkenly gave fellow actor Zac Efron a 1920s, signed Babe Ruth baseball worth millions, and after sobering up is too embarrassed to ask for it back (hard to believe anything embarrasses Charlie at this point) . . . According to Page Six, Lindsay Lohan is so desperate for work, talent agent 123Talent is booking appearances at weddings and bat mitzvahs (at which, if things go true to form, she won’t show) . . . David & Victoria Beckham’s kid Romeo just became the new face of design house Burberry – he’s 10 (“When I’m climbing trees I like to wear …”) . . . “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Camille Grammar and former husband, actor Kelsey Grammar, have finally reached a confidential financial settlement more than a year after their divorce was granted, thereby making tomorrow’s scheduled divorce conference unnecessary (he gives her everything, she goes away) . . . And popular sitcom “Cheers” is about to get a makeover 20 years after going off-the-air, but the new show on Ireland’s Tg4 network will be set in Dublin and instead of an ex-baseball player owning the pub, it will be a former hurling professional (how appropriate for a bar).

• “A Home For the Holidays With Rascal Flatts” (CBS) – The annual special offering inspirational stories of adoption. Performers include Matchbox 20, Melissa Etheridge, Phillip Phillips.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Aimee Mann w/James Mercer (“Charmer”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Backstreet Boys (“It’s Christmas Time Again”).
• “Live With Kelly & Michael” (syndicated/CTV) – John Travolta & Olivia Newton-John (“This Christmas”).
• “The 2012 Miss Universe Competition” (NBC) – Andy Cohen & Giuliana Rancic host as women from around-the-world vie for the crown.
• “The Year With Katie Couric” (CBS) – Celebs, newsmakers, and guests reflect on the top events of 2012.
• “The X Factor” (FOX/CTV2) – The remaining finalists perform; LeAnn Rimes and Little Big Town collaborate with contestants.

• Britney Spears – claims it has learned exclusively that her fiancé Jason Trawick has had enough and wants out of the relationship. The gossip website says he’s told her entire family he’s planning to leave, so she’ll have a support system when it happens.
• Kanye West – He’s definitely getting a lot of extra media exposure because of his relationship with Kim Kardashian, but his career has been negatively affected by it and he’s not happy about that, according to “NY Daily News”.
• Madonna – Her sold-out 72-date “MDNA” tour, which earned $228 million, has been named the highest-grossing tour of 2012. Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band rank 2nd ($199 million), Roger Waters 3rd ($187 million).
• Rihanna – Music exec LA Reid has announced he will not be returning for Season 4 of “The X Factor” next year and UK tabloid “The Sun” is reporting Simon Cowell has his eye set on RiRi to replace him. They’ll both be in Barbados over Christmas, so who knows?
• Taylor Swift – She’s the year’s top country artist and 3rd in the all-genre ranking for 2012, according to “Billboard”.

• “The Guilt Trip” (  PG-13 Comedy ): Just as a guy is about to embark on the road trip of a lifetime, a quick stop at his mom’s house turns into an unexpected cross-country voyage with her along for the ride. Stars Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen as mother and son.
• “Monsters Inc 3D” ( G-Rated Animation ): A 3-D re-release of the 2001 family comedy about a utility company that generates energy from the goose bumps of children. Features the voices of Billy Crystal, John Goodman, Mary Gibbs, Steve Buscemi.
• “Zero Dark Thirty” ( Limited Release R-Rated Drama ): Oscar-winning director Kathryn Bigelow’s chronicle of the decade-long hunt for terrorist leader Osama bin Laden and his death at the hands of Navy SEAL Team 6 in 2011. Stars Chris Pratt, Jessica Chastain.

A statistical breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 70% of us promised ourselves we would spend less money this holiday season.
• 60% of us think men are generally funnier than women.
• 33% of women say they always invite their hairstylist to their parties.
• 21% of bar owners say the hardest part of their occupation is not drinking on-the-job.
• 20% of us keep a fortune-cookie fortune in a wallet or purse for up to a year.
• 18% of women say ironing clothes is part of their morning routine.

Surveys show a mere 30% of us socialize with our neighbors more than once a month; and 28% of us know none of our neighbors by name. We may keep in touch with faraway friends on Facebook, but when it comes to hanging out in the neighborhood, we are on our own. ‘Nextdoor’ is the social network that promises to introduce you to the people on your block. Since 2010, it has developed sites in more than 6,500 US communities, all of them launched by regular folks looking for a way to connect with neighbors. To start one for your own ‘hood, you first define its physical boundaries, then recruit neighbors to sign up. ‘Nextdoor’ provides postcards and flyers. Typical content on a Nextdoor site:
✓ Recommendations for babysitter, auto mechanic, plumber, etc.
✓ Feedback about local businesses.
✓ Buying, selling, giveaways.
✓ Community events and social announcements.

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Dozenalist’ – A person who believes society should switch to a base-12 counting system because it’s easier and more efficient than the current base-10 decimal system. (Dozenalists of the world unite; rise up against the tyranny of 10!)
• ‘Sapiosexual’ – A person who is sexually attracted to intelligent people; or at least to people’s minds as well as their bodies. (Mmm … Stephen Hawking. Grrr.)
• ‘Sofalizing’ – Spending time on the sofa, browsing social media sites. (“Sorry can’t make it to the pub tonight, I’m spending the entire night sofalizing with my ‘friends’.”)

Sources say Facebook is planning to launch its own version of a ‘Snapchat-like’ application in the coming weeks. Snapchat rose to prominence thanks to its capacity for sending private, self-destructible messages. A user can send a photo message and choose the amount of time that it will be available for viewing (usually a matter of seconds). Afterward the pic deletes itself from the sender’s phone, the receiver’s phone, and the Snapchat servers. Video capability has also been added. Facebook’s new app will be standalone and separate from the main network. (Somebody didn’t lock up the patent tight enough on this.)

• A wedding party in Prague, Czech Republic has ended in tears, bruises, and the drunk tank after the inebriated newlyweds started a fight outside the restaurant where the reception was being held. The newlyweds now face a fine. (No word if divorce proceedings are underway.)
• A bungling burglar in West Yorkshire, England who tried to steal Christmas trees from a nursery has been caught. Police officers say all they had to do was follow the path of fallen needles for a half-mile in order to get their man. (Next time use a lorry, mate!)
• A 43-year-old Italian driver has been stopped by police for using TWO cellphones while driving, holding one up to each ear. His excuse? He was talking to his wife on one phone when his mother called. (He’d rather face a fine than female fury.)

Crazy ways people around-the-world are prepping for ‘doomsday’ …
• Lu Zhenghai of China is sinking $160,000 of his life savings into a massive ship to ensure he and his family are protected in the event of a worldwide flood. At 65 feet long, it weighs about 80 tons, built mostly of timber and steel. It’s unclear if there will be any animals taken aboard.
• 32-year-old Yang Zongfu of China has built several 3-ton yellow steel balls, measuring 13 feet in diameter, that are hollow and equipped with seatbelts. They’re designed to withstand a volcano, tsunami, earthquake, or nuclear meltdown. He calls each anti-disaster bubble ‘Atlantis’.
• 78-year-old Bruce Beach of Horning’s Mills, Ontario is no stranger to fallout shelters. He built his first after the Cuban missile crisis back in the 1960s. His life’s work has been a sprawling underground labyrinth nicknamed ‘Ark 2’ that’s comprised of 42 buried school busses.
• More than $130,000 of author Patrick Geryl’s savings have gone into survival prep. In a small wooden bunker in South Africa, Geryl has stockpiled guns, ammo, water purification tablets, and more should the world need to be re-colonized.
• Australian marketer Robert Bast is the proprietor of a community called, and has spent upwards of $350,000 stockpiling food, water, gas cookers, generators, and a pick-up truck to take his wife and 3 children to a safe house 1,500 feet above sea level.

• On average moose in Norway kill fewer than 2 people a year, but in Finland it is 5 and in Sweden 6. (No, they don’t stalk victims; they wander onto roadways and cause auto accidents.)
• Can you remember what you got last year for Christmas? In a recent poll, 64% could not. (You spend all that money, time, and worry picking just the right gift and most people just forget about it? We say give them something memorable … nothing!)


1963 [49] Jennifer Beals, Chicago IL, TV actress (“Lie to Me” 2009-11, “The L Word” 2004-09)/movie actress (“The Grudge 2”, “Flashdance”)

1967 [45] Criss Angel (Christopher Sarantakos), NYC, Las Vegas illusionist (“Criss Angel Believe”)

1972 [40] Alyssa Milano, Brooklyn NY, movie actress (“Hall Pass”, “New Year’s Eve”)/TV actress (“My Name is Earl” 2007-08, “Charmed” 1998-2006)

1980 [32] Jake Gyllenhaal, LA CA, movie actor (“Source Code”, “Brokeback Mountain”)

• “I’ve Got My Big Fat Guy Pants On Day”, a day to wear anything you want as long as it’s comfortable and roomy. (Wouldn’t this be more useful a week from now?)

• “Look For an Evergreen Day”, a day saluting people for whom only a fresh-cut real tree will do for Christmas. For them, the scent of fresh pine helps to capture the feeling of the holidays.

• “Oatmeal Muffin Day”, the homemade kind full of good stuff not the fast-food cake-masquerading-as-a-muffin kind. It’s like a bowl of oatmeal you don’t need to eat with a spoon!

1997 [15] “Titanic”, starring Leonardo Dicaprio & Kate Winslet, opens in movie theaters (eventually grosses over $1.8 billion worldwide, now ranking #2 all-time)

2005 [07] Elton John turns down a proposed offer near $6 million to secure TV rights to his civil union to David Furnish

1917 [95] 1st ‘National Hockey League’ games played (5,500 fans watch Montréal Canadiens beat Ottawa Senators 7-4, while 700 soldiers get in free to see Montréal Wanderers defeat Toronto Arenas 10-9)

1922 [90] 24-year-old Theresa Vaughn is tried for bigamy in England after it’s found she has accumulated 62 husbands … in just 5 years!

[Thurs] Re-Gifting Day
[Fri] End Of the World (Mayan Calendar)
[Fri] “Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away 3-D”; “Jack Reacher”; “This Is 40” open in movie theaters
[Fri] Crossword Puzzle Day
[Fri] Winter Solstice
[Sat] Haiku Poetry Day
[Sun] Christmas Eve
This Week Is … Gluten-Free Baking Week
This Month Is … Winter Squash Month


• Women elves love; women elves leave.
• Department store Santas who hang out in the lingerie section.
• Gingerbread men who become gingerbread women.
• Real-life Jack Frosts: Guys who nip at your nose.
• People who like fruitcake.
• Safe sex using Christmas stockings.
• Prancer and Dancer: Should they adopt?

☎ What was your worst fashion purchase ever? (In a recent poll of women, many pick ‘leather pants’.)

✳ After ‘Scrooge’ has reformed his life at the end of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”, he invites ‘Bob Cratchit’ to join him for some ‘smoking bishop’. What the heck is that?
a. A fast variation of chess popular in Victorian London.
b. A Christmas pudding, soaked in brandy and set alight.
c. A hot, spiced drink. [CORRECT. Take 6 bitter oranges and stick them with 6 cloves each. Put them in a bowl, cover with cheap red wine, and set in a warm place for a day. Squeeze the oranges into the wine and strain. Add port. Heat, and serve with a cinnamon stick.]

✳ The poinsettia has become the traditional Christmas flower. Where did it originally grow?
a. Canada.
b. China.
c. Mexico. [CORRECT. In Mexico, the poinsettia is known as the ‘Flower Of the Holy Night’.]

A man goes into a bar and orders a double scotch, Glenfiddich Special Reserve single malt. He takes a sip and says to the bartender, “Man, I shouldn’t be drinking this with what I’ve got.” The bartender asks, “What have you got?” And the man replies, “42 cents.”

Question: The average family uses one of THESE 7-and-a-half years before throwing it away.
Answer: An artificial Christmas tree.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

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