Wednesday, December 20, 2017 – Edition: #6023

Sheet For Brains!

“The Bull Sheet” is shutting down for the holidays December 25th-January 1st inclusive. All subscribers will be awarded account credits for missed service days.  Following Dec. 22, the next edition of “BS” will be January 2, 2018. Thanks for a successful year of BS and Happy Holidays, all!

★ Michael Douglas has become a grandfather for the first time. The 73-year-old actor’s oldest son Cameron welcomed a baby girl on Monday.  Cameron Douglas has had a troubled few years but has turned his life around since being released from prison in August 2016 after almost seven years behind bars on drugs charges, and he recently said being a father would ”drive” him even further to do well.
★ Apparently people weren’t too thrilled with the idea of a new ‘Christmas Story’.  Ratings of ‘A Christmas Story Live’ flopped and those who did see it are slamming it online.  Naturally, any attempt to remake a nostalgic title that’s considered a nearly perfect piece of entertainment will result in some fan backlash, but Twitter was pretty brutal — slamming the production as “a dumpster fire” and “the worst thing to ever air on television,” among other jabs.  And the ratings?  Maybe worse than the reaction:  — the three-hour telecast was seen by 4.5 million viewers.  Compare that to Fox’s production of ‘Grease Live’ last year which had 12.2 million viewers.
(Ohhhh fuuudge!)
★ Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are reportedly planning to move back to Australia. The actress – who was born in Hawaii but raised in Sydney – is said to be house-hunting with Urban in New South Wales.  Word has it she is desperate to move her family to Oz after putting their Nashville retreat on the market for $3.45 million.
★ “I, Tonya” star-producer Margot Robbie had a soft spot for the real-life person who inspired the dark comedy.   Speaking to reporters, Robbie said that at first she didn’t know Tonya Harding’s story was true.  Quote: “I had never heard of Tonya Harding. I knew nothing about the figure skating world.”
(But on the other hand, you could never make that story up!)
★ Amber Tamblyn is not pleased with her friend Rose McGowan‘s decision to speak out against Hollywood actresses who plan to wear black to the Golden Globes in protest of sexual harassment.  Tamblyn Tweeted: “Rose McGowan is a friend and while I support her kind of movement, I do not support any woman (or man) shaming or taunting the movements of other women who are trying to create change…Telling us to all wear Marchesa? This is beneath you, Rose.”

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Elizabeth Banks, Matt Smith, Chris Laker ( R )
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Christoph Waltz, Beanie Feldstein, Cardi B, Erykah Badu
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Lisa Kudrow, Tony Rock ( R )
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Ansel Elgort, Martha Stewart, Nico De Soto
• “The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Matthew Broderick, Gina Rodriguez, Christopher Meloni ( R )
• “Conan” (TBS/Comedy): Bill Clinton, Jack Whitehall ( R )
• “Watch What Happens Live” (Bravo): Michael Rapaport, Danielle Staub ( R )
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Dr. Phil McGraw, Miles Teller ( R )
• “The Talk” (CBS): Kunal Nayyar, Krista Smith, guest co-host Carrie Ann Inaba ( R )
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV):Rebel Wilson, Christoph Waltz, guest co-host Andy Cohen
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Sofia Vergara, Barbra Streisand ( R )
• “Survivor” (CBS): Million Dollar Night
• “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” (CW): Elmo Shropshire narrates this animated interpretation of the offbeat Yule tune, as Jake Spankenheimer (Alex Doduk) tries to find his grandma and save her Christmas shop. It’s in danger of being sold by his greedy cousin, Mel.
• “The Top 12 Greatest Christmas Movies of All Time” (CW): The top Christmas movies of all time are counted down. Dean Cain hosts.

• Enrique Iglesias – and his significant other Anna Kournikova have become the parents of twins. The pair has kept the pregnancy under wraps for the entire of the nine months she was expecting.  Both are first-time parents.
• Ed Sheeran – joked he would ”make 5am illegal” if he were to find himself as Britain’s Prime Minister.  He doesn’t think he’d do a particularly good job at running the country, but knows that the first two laws he would pass include making ketchup ”compulsory”, and banning the early hours of the morning. (Quick! Where do I go to vote?)
• Janet Jackson – was joined on stage by Missy Elliott for the final night of her world tour on Sunday. The two teamed up for a rendition of their hit ‘BURNITUP!’, as Jackson closed out her tour in Atlanta.
• Jay Z – paused during the middle of his Oakland CA show when he spotted a fan’s sparkling sign which read, “I beat cancer 2x 2 see u! I love u!!! Selfie or hug?”  He brought ‘Christina’ onstage for a warm hug while fans screamed wildly in support.
• Fleetwood Mac – Christine McVie says the band may never have made their most successful album, the classic “Rumours’, if it weren’t for drugs and booze.  She says she probably would never have written ‘Songbird’, and for that matter, they might never have written any of the rest of the album’s songs because “I think we were all pretty loaded”.
• Ramones – Little Steven and the Disciples of Soul have released a cover of their holiday classic “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight)”.  Steven Van Zandt calls it his band’s tribute to the Ramones, but he needed a third verse, so he “Channeled Joey and wrote what I feel is the third verse he would have written. His brother Mickey heard the record and gave me his blessing.” (I don’t know if The Ramones EVER wrote a third verse…)
• Sam Hunt – has shared a somber new version of Woody Guthrie’s ‘This Land is Your Land’.  It will be featured on the soundtrack to the new Will Smith movie, ‘Bright’, out Friday.
• Casey James –  is now the father of two.  His wife gave birth to Maverick James Pierce, according to Casey’s Instagram post on Saturday.  Captioning a picture of Maverick, he wrote: “Thank you Jesus for this amazing blessing.  The best gift for the Christmas season that I could ever ask for.”
• Richard Dobson – the singer/songwriter who wrote songs for Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash, Guy Clark, Carlene Carter and more — died on Saturday in Switzerland. He was 75.  He also released more than twenty albums himself. Carlene Carter, Dave Edmunds, as well as Johnny and June Carter Cash recorded his song “Baby Ride Easy.”

Worcester Massachusetts was home on the weekend to a 100 foot-long marijuana cigarette.  And yes, it was a joint effort.  A group of marijuana enthusiasts from Boston, known as ‘Beantown Greentown’, rolled the jumbo joint to draw attention to the fact that possession and use of pot has been declared legal in Massachusetts and a commission is currently writing the rules on how it will be sold and used.  The sizeable spliff, which holds more than 35 ounces of ganja, was on display, and as you can imagine, was front and center for a lot of selfies.  No word on when it might be lit.
(Not until the giant bag of Doritos is ready…)
(Never mind that…I want to know where they got papers that big!)
(I’m not sure where they had it on display, but it very well could have been at Town Haul!)

You’ve seen the stories on Facebook, posted by your healthy-living, granola-eating, non-soda pop-drinking friends, the posts that point out the fact that if you dare to drink a soda with the evil ingredient of an artificial sweetener like aspertame, that you are not only probably  weeks away from having your internal organs outright explode, but they would also prefer that your kids not play with their kids.  That’s how strong the anti-diet soda brigade feels about artificial sweeteners.  And they always have a scientific study to back them up.  Not so fast.  Dr. Aaron Carroll, an MD, professor and leading pediatric researcher at the Indiana University School of Medicine, takes a different stance in his new book, “The Bad Food Bible: How and Why To Eat Sinfully”, arguing that the occasional Diet Coke isn’t so bad, and that it’s better than the real thing.  That’s right, he says regular cola is worse for you than the diet version.  In fact, he says that if he is going to have a soda once in a while, he’d take the diet version, and he would make the same choice for his kids.  He says the real danger is sugar — which has been strongly linked to diabetes and obesity. Artificial sweeteners, on the other hand, have not been proven to be harmful to humans,.  But what about all those stories on Facebook?  The ones where they say that aspertame causes bladder cancer in rats?  His answer?  “If you give rats a lot of things, they get bladder cancer, including things like vitamin C”.  He notes that “Billions of people are drinking [artificial sweeteners], and we’re not seeing increased rates of bladder cancer”.  And “if there is a danger to humans, it is “incredibly small”.
(But just incase, I plan to aggressively dilute it on New Year’s Eve!)
(Good.  Because I was getting sick of drinking my whiskey with orange juice.)
(I’m glad that now my Facebook friends can hate me for some other good reason instead of this dumb one.)

I may be a little late on this, but apparently the ‘Half Christmas Tree’ is everywhere this year.  What’s that about?  The Half Christmas Tree looks just like a traditional tree, except it appears to have been chopped in 2 from top to bottom.  Why?  For those who are space-challenged at home, it can be the perfect way to have what looks like a full-sized tree, but one that, yes, only takes up half the space.   Its unique shape allows it to be mounted to, or pushed up against, walls.  That means families can now enjoy having a tree up without it taking up the entire room. And hey, if you’ve got cats, a mounted (half) tree means it can’t be knocked over – take that, Fluffy!  You not only save space, you only have to decorate half a tree….or not at all, because some come pre-lit and decorated.  Prices range anywhere from $50-$300.  And no, it doesn’t mean you only need to buy half the gifts.
(…and Half yourself a Merry Little Christmas!)
(These are artificial trees, right?)
(“Look, honey, I bought a new tree….and it was half-off!”)
(Why don’t they work on making the season half the size rather than the trees?)

(It’s OK, we both know you don’t have anything for her yet…)
☞ Spa Retreat:  And it’s pretty easy for you to just pick up a gift certificate…
☞ Weekend of Solitude:  A weekend for Mom to do what she wants, at her own speed.
☞ Cleaning Service:  Pretty self-explanatory…and pretty awesome for Mom!
☞ Something Heartfelt:  A love letter or a card or video from the (grand)kids.
☞ A Personal Chef:  Maybe just for a day.  She’ll love it!
☞ Time With a Friend:  Help clear her schedule so she can spend a day doing whatever she wants with a BFF.
☞ Date Night:  Take care of hiring the babysitter and making dinner reservations.
☞ Family Photos:  Hire a pro photographer and set a date for the whole family to be there.
☞ Breakfast in Bed.  You know she loves this!  Just be sure that you are able to put together something decent!
(And what does dad want for Christmas?  Mom!)


1945 [72] Peter Criss, Brooklyn, NY (retired rock drummer/sometime vocalist (Kiss-‘Beth’, ‘Hard Luck Woman’)

1982 [35] David Cook, Houston TX, pop singer, 2008 “American Idol” winner (‘The Time of My Life’, ‘Light On’)

1983 [34] Jonah Hill, Mill Valley CA, movie actor (“The Wolf of Wall Street”, “21 Jump Street”) COMING UP…Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot, 2018

1983 [34] Lucy Pinder, Winchester, UK, model (#16 on FHM’s 2005 list of “100 Sexiest Women in the World”), reality TV star (“Celebrity Big Brother”, 2009)

1990 [27] JoJo (Joanna Noëlle Blagden Levesque), Brattleboro VT, pop singer (‘Leave [Get Out]’, ‘Baby It’s You’)/youngest solo artist to have a #1 hit (age 13)

• “Dot Your i’s With Smileys Day”. (Because little hearts just aren’t annoying enough.)

• “Go Caroling Day”, a day to get together and sing out with friends, family, or a singing group. Nursing homes, hospitals and other places often welcome carolers if you call ahead.

• “International Human Solidarity Day”, a UN observance since 2005 to remind us of the importance of solidarity and the spirit of sharing in combatting poverty worldwide.

• “Sangria Day”, a day to put a little olé in your life with the traditional fruity wine punch named for the Spanish word ‘sangre’, which means ‘blood’.

• “Games Day”. The best-selling board game of all-time? ‘Monopoly’, with over 200 million games sold in 80 countries and in 26 languages since 1935. In fact, an estimated 500 million people around-the-world have played ‘Monopoly’ since its inception (and half of those games are still going on…)

[Thurs] Humbug Day
[Thurs] First Day of Winter
[Fri] Cookie Exchange Day
[Fri] Abilities Day

2009 [08] 32-year-old movie actress Brittany Murphy (“8 Mile”, “Clueless”) collapses and dies in her Hollywood Hills, California home after cardiac arrest

2010 [07] Bret Michaels, lead singer of Poison, winds up his VH1 reality TV show “Bret Michaels: Life As I Know It” by sticking a rock on the finger of Kristi Gibson, longtime on-and-off girlfriend (they later break the engagement off)

1980 [37] “(Just Like) Starting Over” becomes John Lennon’s first #1 single as a solo artist in the UK, 12 days after his murder.

2006 [11] Nearly 40 years after it was recorded, Procol Harum organist Matthew Fisher is awarded 40% of the songwriting credit for “A Whiter Shade Of Pale” by a London court

2012 [05] Adele is named “Billboard” magazine’s ‘Top Artist of 2012 ; her hit recording “21″ is ‘Album Of the Year’

1980 [37] 1st (and only) NFL telecast with NO announcers (as a stunt, NBC-TV uses only sounds and graphics for a meaningless NY Jets-Miami Dolphins game)

2007 [10] Queen Elizabeth II becomes Britain’s oldest-ever monarch, surpassing Queen Victoria’s lifespan of 81 years, 7 months, 29 days (on September 11, 2015 she overtakes Victoria as longest-serving British monarch)


✓ Camels gave humans the common cold.
✓ Red Bull was originally called Red Water Buffalo
✓ Studies show that people eat when they’re bored to break the monotony, not for the pleasure of the food.
✓ Since taking the throne in 1952, Queen Elizabeth II has owned more than 30 corgis.
✓ Exercise reorganizes the brain so that it is more resistant to stress.
✓ If you rub an onion on your feet, you will taste it within 30-60 minutes.

• Sled Zeppelin
• FruitCAKE
• Blue Christmas Oyster Cult
• Silent Night Ranger
• Hannukuh and the Blowfish
• Red and Green Day
• The Whoville
• Ugly Sweater Kid Joe
• Faith No Myrrh
• Santana Claus
• Boys II Wise Men
• White Christmas Snake
• Jolly Old St. Nickelback
• A-Wreath-a Franklin


• Letter to North Pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, pipsqueak!”
• Kid asks for a new bike, gets a pack of smokes.
• Giant carton under the Christmas tree contains styrofoam peanuts only.
• Instead of ‘naughty’ or ‘nice’, Santa has him on his ‘dork list’.
• Labels on all your kid’s toys read ‘Straight Outta Craptown’.
• Santa’s first words when your kid meets him in the mall … “Off my lap, Tubby!”
-First published in BS in 2015

☎ What’s your favorite board game of all time?

• Physical incongruities can only be reconciled by making yourself indispensable to your superiors. (“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”)
• No amount of magic can prevent your dearly beloved friends from dying. (“Frosty the Snowman”)
• Coniferous trees retain their green color throughout the year. (“O Christmas Tree”)
• The hallucinatory experience of family and friends is a valid replacement for actual family and friends. (“I’ll Be Home for Christmas”)
• Refraining from social and romantic enjoyment throughout the year entitles you to material compensation equivalent to approximately $1.6 billion. (“Santa Baby”)
• Freezing temperatures are optimal circumstances for holding the object of your desire captive in your home. (“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”)
• Human and animal trafficking are recommended for gift purposes during a brief period of each year. (“The Twelve Days of Christmas”)
• Children should not report witnessing acts of adultery. (“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”)

For Christmas, I got my kids some batteries with a note that says “Toys not included”.

Question:  THIS happens to 7-out-of-10 dogs.
Answer:  They get a Christmas gift.

Remember, if Christmas isn’t found in your heart, you won’t find it under a tree.

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