Friday, December 4, 2015        Edition: #5586

Sheet Happens!

★ This week former TV star Holland Taylor, who played Charlie Sheen and Jon Cryer’s bisexual onscreen mom on “Two-and-a-Half Men”, came out as being a lesbian in her real life. Now we find out she is apparently in a long-term relationship with “American Horror Story” actress Sarah Paulson. That’s all well and good but what’s interesting is that Taylor is 72; Paulson is 40. Taylor admits: “There’s a very big age difference between us which I’m sure shocks a lot of people, and it startles me.”
– “Entertainment Tonight”
★ Sylvester Stallone is bringing his iconic film character ‘John Rambo’ to FOX-TV. “Rambo: New Blood” will be executive produced by the “Rocky” star, who will also appear in the series. The TV drama will focus on the relationship between mercenary ‘Rambo’ and his son … a character that has not appeared in any of the 4 “Rambo” movies. Stallone first appeared onscreen as ‘John Rambo’ in 1982’s “First Blood”. Stallone is also looking to develop a TV show based on “The Expendables” movies.
★ And Sunday, the annual ‘Kennedy Center Honors’ are being presented in Washington DC. The awards recognize individuals whose impact and genius have left an indelible mark. This year’s honorees are filmmaker George Lucas, country-rock band The Eagles, singer-songwriter Carole King, actress/singer Rita Moreno, conductor Seiji Ozawa, and actress Cicely Tyson. The 6 honorees are being feted at a star-studded gala. A recorded 2-hour CBS-TV special of the event airs December 29th.
– “Hollywood Reporter”

• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Today Coldplay ( “A Head Full of Dreams”, out today); Usher (“UR”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight Fall Out Boy (“American Beauty/American Psycho”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Tonight  Ratatat (“Magnifique”). Rerun.
• “Late Late Show With James Corden” (CBS/M3) – Tonight Raury (“All We Need”). Rerun.
• “Late Night With Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV) – Tonight George Ezra (“Wanted on Voyage”). Rerun.
• “Late Show With Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global) – Tonight The Internet (“Ego Death”). Rerun.
• “Meredith Vieira” (syndicated) – Today Timbaland (“Opera Noir”). Rerun.
• Pathway to Paris (France) – Tonight & tomorrow a concert event at Paris’ Le Trianon theater designed to raise awareness and urgency over the issue of climate change. Performers include Flea, Patti Smith, Thom Yorke and unnamed special guests.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Ryan Gosling hosts (“The Big Short”, out December 11th); musical guest Leon Bridges (“Coming Home”).
• “Sinatra 100 – An All-Star Grammy Concert” (CBS) – Sunday a pre-recorded all-star Grammy concert salutes ‘Old Blue Eyes’ 100th birth anniversary at the Wynn Las Vegas. Musical tributes from Adam Levine, Alicia Keys, Carrie Underwood, Celine Dion, Harry Connick Jr, John Legend, Lady Gaga, Tony Bennett, and Zac Brown.
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tonight Sting (“If On a Winter’s Night…”).
• “A Very Murray Christmas” (Netflix) – Today this Bill Murray seasonal comedy directed by Sofia Coppola debuts for streaming. Set at NYC’s Carlyle Hotel, the hour-long special features a star-studded cast, including Amy Poehler, Chris Rock, George Clooney, Jason Schwartzman, Maya Rudolph, Michael Cera, Miley Cyrus, and Rashida Jones.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Today Carly Simon (“Boys In the Trees: A Memoir”).

• Babyface – Today he unleashes his 10th studio album, “Return Of the Tender Lover”. He’s currently touring North America in support of the project through the end of December, with more dates to be announced for 2016.
• Ben Folds – Tonight he performs his Concerto for Piano & Orchestra with the National Symphony Orchestra at Washington DC’s John F Kennedy Center For the Performing Arts. The performance marks the official kick-off concert of the NSO’s new “Declassfied” series.
• Bruce Springsteen – Today he releases a new box set of his seminal 1980 album “The River”. Titled “The Ties That Bind: The River Collection”, the package includes 4-CDs, 3 DVDs, as well as a 148-page coffee table book.
• Coldplay – “A Head Full of Dreams” is released today, their 7th studio album. It includes  collaborations with Beyoncé, Gwyneth Paltrow, Noel Gallagher, Swedish singer Tove Lo, and gospel star Merry Clayton.
• Johnny Cash – Today, for the first time ever, “Man in Black: Live in Denmark 1971” is being released. Originally recorded for Danish television, this release includes duets with June Carter Cash; plus appearances by Mother Maybelle Carter, and Carl Perkins (“Blue Suede Shoes”).
• Fleetwood Mac – A massive deluxe reissue of their classic album “Tusk” is out today. The remastered 1979 album is repackaged with demos, single remixes, alternate takes, live tracks and much more. In all, the physical version entails 5 CDs, 2 vinyl records, and a DVD.
• LeAnn Rimes – Tonight she’s hitting the road again for her annual holiday themed tour. the “Today is Christmas” tour kicks off in Tacoma WA. It coincides with the release of her new album of the same name.
• Sleater-Kinney – The reunited indie rock trio begin a run of December tour dates tonight in Indianapolis IN, in support of the album “No Cities to Love”. The short tour wraps with a 5 night stand in NYC, playing 5 different venues beginning December 12th.
• U2 – Their rescheduled “Innocence + Experience World Tour” shows in Paris that were postponed after the November 13th attacks in the city are rescheduled for Sunday and Monday. The second night’s concert, the last of the tour, is due to be broadcast on HBO.

• “Chi-Raq” ( R-Rated Drama ): Director Spike Lee’s latest is a modern day adaptation of the ancient Greek play “Lysistrata” by Aristophanes, set against the backdrop of gang violence in Chicago. Stars Nick Cannon, Teyonah Parris, Wesley Snipes, Angela Bassett, Jennifer Hudson. The film also marks the return of Dave Chappelle, albeit in a small, but notable role.
• “Krampus” ( PG-13 Horror Comedy ): A boy who’s had a bad Christmas ends up accidentally summoning a Christmas demon to his family home. Stars Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner, Allison Tolman. Could it be that “Trick ‘r Treat” director Michael Dougherty will have another cult hit on his hands?
• Opening in limited release: “Christmas Eve” (Comedy); ” Hitchcock/Truffaut” (Documentary); “The Letters” (Drama); ” Life” (Biographical Drama); “Macbeth” (War Drama); “MI-5” (Action Thriller); “A Royal Night Out” (Romantic Drama); and “Youth” (Drama).

✗ He’ll Grow Out of It – No, he won’t. He’ll get older and possibly learn to manage his autism, if he gets all the help and support he needs. But he will always be autistic.
✗ He Looks Normal – That’s the thing. If he is in what (to him) is a safe environment, he will appear no different than a neuro-typical child.
✗ Why Can’t He Be Left Home Alone for a While? – Because he’s autistic. How he reacts today is no indication of how he will act tomorrow. Or in 15 minutes.
✗ Just Make Him Do It! – Have you tried arguing with an autistic child? They have a built in capacity for logic that can overrule the most brilliant of tactical minds. And make you cry.
✗ He Could Do With a Good Spanking – You wouldn’t try to beat cancer out of a child, so why suggest doing so to a child with an invisible condition?
✗ He Can’t Be Autistic, He Makes Eye Contact – That’s because he’s learned to, in order to fit in. He’s likely actually staring at the bridge of your nose.
✗ Ooh, He’s like ‘Rain Man’? Does He Have a Remarkable Memory? – “Rain Man” was about one person with autism … they’re all different. That’s why it’s better titled ‘Autism Spectrum Disorder’.
✗ Did You Vaccinate? – Oh DO shut-up.

So far in 2015, the United States has seen more than 350 shootings in which 4 or more people have been wounded or killed.


1949 [66] Jeff Bridges, LA CA, movie actor (“Crazy Heart”, “The Big Lebowski”)

1964 [51] Marisa Tomei, Brooklyn NY, film actress (“Trainwreck”, Oscar-“My Cousin Vinny”)  COMING UP:  “The Big Short”, opening December 11th.

1966 [49] Fred Armisen, Hattiesburg MS, TV comic (“Portlandia” since 2011, “Saturday Night Live” 2002-13)/movie actor (“Smurfs” movies)

1969 [46] Jay Z (Shawn Carter), Brooklyn NY, rap artist-producer (w/Beyoncé-“Crazy in Love”, f/Alicia Keys-“Empire State of Mind”)/wed to Beyoncé since 2008

1970 [45] Kevin Sussman, NYC, TV actor (‘Stuart Bloom’ on “The Big Bang Theory” since 2009)

1973 [42] Tyra Banks, Inglewood CA, TV personality (“America’s Next Top Model” since 2003, “The Tyra Banks Show” 2005-10)/former fashion model (“Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show”)

Rock singer-guitarist John Rzeznik (The Goo Goo Dolls) is 50; Country singer Gary Allan (“Nothing On But the Radio”) is 48; R&B singer Keri Hilson (“Knock You Down”) is 33.

Retired rock guitarist Peter Buck (REM) is 59; Punk drummer David Lovering (The Pixies) is 54; Filmmaker Judd Apatow (“Knocked Up”) is 48.

• “Cookie Day”, celebrating the yummiest treat of all. What’s the best kind? Chocolate chip? Oatmeal and raisin? Peanut butter with macadamia nuts?
• “Extraordinary Work Team Recognition Day”, created in 2000 as a day to pass out ‘attaboys’ to employee teams that consistently work extraordinarily well together to produce significant results for their companies or organizations. (It’s far cheaper than year-end bonuses.)
• “Faux Fur Friday”, an excuse to wear your furriest synthetic outfits and accessories for an enjoyable day. (But isn’t it cruel to kill cute baby acrylics for their fur?)
• “St Barbara’s Day”, patron saint of firemen, architects, mathematicians, fireworks, miners, sailors, and against lightning, fire, explosions, and sudden death (whew!). Tradition has it that girls should place a cherry tree twig in a glass of water on this day. According to the old custom, if it blooms by Christmas Eve, they’ll marry in the next year.
• “Santa’s List Day”, the day the big guy purportedly decides who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.
• “Wear Brown Shoes Day”, for some unknown reason. To get the full effect, make sure you wear ’em with something black.
• “World Wildlife Conservation Day”, with the aim of raising awareness and engaging conservationists in the goal of putting an end to wildlife crime. Some of the world’s best loved species are being slaughtered by criminal networks driven by a voracious demand for illegal animal parts and products.

• “Bartenders Appreciation Day”, an annual event saluting not only their skills in drink-making, but also in conversation, listening, joking, and being a shoulder to cry on.
• “Bathtub Party Day”, encouraging a luxurious long, hot bath to develop inner peace. Almost everyone nowadays takes showers, so here’s a chance to recall a luxury from days gone by.
• “Communicate With Your Baby Day”. Experts say the best way to do that is to look directly at them when you talk, and to use gestures.
• “International Day Of the Ninja”, when you’re encouraged to dress like a ninja and run wild in the streets.
• “World Soil Day”, held annually on December 5th to highlight soil’s importance to Earth. We need soil for basic survival … food and energy. 2015 is the UN’s “International Year of Soils”. (Do not call it ‘dirt’ or farmers and gardeners will punch you.)

• “Day of Remembrance & Action on Violence Against Women”, established in 1991 by Canada’s parliament on the anniversary of the 1989 ‘Montréal Massacre’ of 14 women at l’École Polytechnique.
• “Gazpacho Day”, in celebration of the spicy but cold Spanish soup.
• “Hanukkah”, from sunset today through December 14th, the 8-day Jewish “Feast of Lights” celebration. The menorah, holding 8 candles, has become a symbol of the holiday.
• “International Bad Hair Day”, a day to flaunt it if you’ve got it!
• “Miners Day”, saluting the ‘men of the deeps’ who toil away daily underground.
• “Pawnbrokers Day”, an annual event when many pawnbrokers donate musical instruments to Boys & Girls Clubs.
• “St Nicholas Day”, honoring the 4th-century bishop who died December 6, 342 AD and from whom the traditions of Santa Claus and exchanging gifts were derived. Many European kids awake today to find candy or oranges in their shoes, or if they’ve been bad … a lump of coal.

1980 [35] Led Zeppelin officially disbands following the death by misadventure of drummer John Bonham due to excessive alcohol intake

1992 [23] In an effort to prevent hearing loss among its fans, heavy metal group Megadeth distributes 13,000 pairs of earplugs at a concert in San Francisco, California

1982 [33] 1st human killed by a bowling ball (Hernia? Swallowing? Were other victims … ‘spared’?)

2013 [02] Xavier Bettel becomes Luxembourg’s 1st openly gay Prime Minister

[Mon] International Civil Aviation Day
[Mon] Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
[Tues] “Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” (CBS)
[Tues] Mariah Carey’s “A Christmas Melody” (Hallmark)
[Tues] Pretend to Be a Time Traveler Day
This Week Is … International Coelenterate Biology Week
This Month Is … Choose a Summer Camp Month


● At your age, your butt is too big to fit on the casting couch.
● In the middle of an audition the director shouts, “Who is this has-been, get me Amanda Bynes!”
● ‘The Muppets’ now have your private table at Spago.
● You show up for a ‘Celebrity Tennis Tournament’ that also includes Andy Dick, Lindsay Lohan, and Tara Reid.
● Your screen credit is no longer ‘over the title’, but under the caterer.
● Your agent can’t decide whether to promote you as ‘The next Tom Arnold’ or ‘A thinking man’s Adam Sandler’.
● Even Ryan Seacrest has stopped kissing your ass.
● Direct to Netflix? YOUR last movie shipped ‘direct to landfill’.

Which bird can eat only when its head is upside down?
a. The flamingo. [CORRECT]
b. The ostrich.
c. The parrot.
– “Land O’ Useless Facts”

☎ What’s the worst breakup line someone’s ever used on you?

I was thinking … Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Question: The average household has 3 of THESE and shouldn’t.
Answer: Hotel key cards,

If you’re arguing with an idiot, make sure he isn’t doing the same thing.

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