Monday, December 4, 2017        Edition: #6111

Sheet Happens!

★ Good news for those of us with a royal obsession and zero royal connections: Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s wedding will almost definitely be televised.  A royal family spokesperson has gone on record as saying that, “The couple of course wants the day to be a special, celebratory moment for their friends and family… They also want the day to be shaped so as to allow members of the public to feel part of the celebrations too and are currently working through ideas for how this might be achieved.”  The royals have had two other televised weddings: Diana and Charles, and William and Kate.
(Does that mean I have to wear a crazy hat too?)
★ If ‘Roseanne’ and ‘Will & Grace’ can do it, why not ‘The Nanny’?  Fran Drescher says she’s considering a reboot of the CBS sitcom, which aired from 1993 to 1999. In a recent interview, Dresher said that, “As far as a reboot goes, I would be open to it if somebody wanted to do it.” The 60-year-old maintains that rebooting the sitcom is a phone call away as she and her former cast mates are still friends 18 years after the series finale.
★ Chris Pratt has pulled the trigger and finally filed documents to divorce Anna Faris.  Pratt officially filed on Friday, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for ending the marriage. The two will have a private settlement, and have been in negotiations for a “very simple separation of assets.”
★ Filming for the Queen biopic ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ has been temporarily suspended. Twentieth Century Fox says that production on the movie has been halted for now been due to a personal ”health matter” affecting producer Bryan Singer.  Despite the delay, it’s thought the December 2018 release date will stay the same. Although the nature of 52 year-old Singer’s problems hasn’t been revealed, it is reported that he was unable to return to work following the Thanksgiving break.
★ Matt Lauer may be stripped of the prestigious honor of being included in a Hall of Fame which honors legendary broadcasters and TV personalities. An official for the ‘Broadcasting & Cable Hall of Fame’ said that “the issue is under review” when asked if Lauer will retain his status with the organization.  Lauer was inducted in 2008.  Katie Couric presented him with his award.

• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Chris Pratt, Margot Robbie, Chris Stapleton
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Keegan-Michael Key, Claire Foy, Sports Illustrated’s 2017 Sportsperson of the Year, St. Vincent
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Billy Bush, Gwendoline Christie
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Samantha Bee, Matt Smith, Steve Earle, Lucinda Williams, Brooks Wackerman
• ” The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Denis Leary, Maya Rudolph, Bob Odenkirk, Stereophonics
• “Conan” (TBS/Comedy): Dan Rather, Ana Gasteyer, Ty Segall
• “Watch What Happens Live” (Bravo): Shep Rose, Stassi Schroeder
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Guest co-host Ana Navarro
• “The Talk” (CBS): Scott Foley, Andy Grammar
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Rene Russo, Saoirse Ronan, Fantasia
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Tiffany Haddish, Blake Shelton
• “The Great Christmas Light Fight” (ABC): Season five kicks off as four families showcase their Christmas displays.
• “The Voice” (NBC): The top 10 artists perform live for America’s vote; Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton perform.
• “Miss Christmas” (HALLMARK): A city’s expert holiday-tree finder visits a small town to inspect a young boy’s perfect tree, but she soon discovers his father isn’t willing to part with this pristine evergreen.

• Pink – her 11 month-old son Jameson was left with a bloody nose and fat lip after he smashed his face on the ground while taking his first steps on Friday.  Pink’s hubby Carey Hart took to Instagram to share a picture of the little one’s war wounds and accompanied it with the caption: ”Lil man just started walking and took a good slam yesterday. Bloody nose and all!” he included the hashtag #runsinthefamily.  Hart is a former motorcycle racer.
• Taylor Swift – Ruby Rose wants to team up with her after she unleashed her singing voice on ‘Pitch Perfect 3′.  Speaking to an Australian TV reporter, Rose said: ”Taylor if you’re watching this, which I’m sure you are of course, you’ve got nothing else to do. I think we should do a duet, let’s do it”.
• Joan Jett –  a new documentary about her life and times will premiere at next year’s Sundance Film Festival.
• Neil Young – his archival streaming website ‘NYA’, where his entire catalog can be listened to for free (for now), is open.  All of his solo work is posted, plus music he made with Buffalo Springfield, Crosby Stills Nash and Young, and Crazy Horse.  And, there are ten(!) unreleased albums and a handful of previously unreleased films.
• Randy Bachman – attended Neil Young’s ‘Somewhere in Canada’ livestreamed concert from Young’s hometown of Omemee, Ontario on Friday.  Bachman’s guest?  A local resident who found Randy’s cell phone on the road and returned it!
• Kelsea Ballerini – married her fiancé, Australian singer Morgan Evans, in a in a small oceanside ceremony on the beach in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico on Saturday night. Ballerini walked down the aisle barefoot in a Berta gown, and Evans wore a tux by Joseph Abboud. They exchanged rings with customized messages engraved inside.  The two got engaged on Christmas Day 2016.
• Chris Stapleton – is back with his second release this year.  ‘From a Room, Vol. 2’ is a nine-song collection including mainly originals plus a take on Kevin Welch’s ‘Millionaire’ and the Pops Staples’-identified ‘Friendship’.  ‘Vol.2′ was released Friday.
• Glenn Campbell – excluded three of his eight children from his will.  His will, dated September 2006, excludes the three offspring from his second marriage to Billie Jean Nunley – which ended in divorce in 1976. His daughter Kelli and sons William Travis and Wesley Kane will not benefit directly from his estimated $50 million estate.

As some point this holiday season, someone will probably hand you a tray of nuts.  It is one of those traditional Christmas snacks.  Grab a few.  It seems that snacking on walnuts, almonds, hazelnuts and cashews could be good for your heart. New research from Harvard University suggests that eating a handful of nuts twice a week can slash a person’s risk of heart disease by almost a quarter.  Thought of as a ‘superfood’ by some nutritionists, nuts are high in anti-oxidants, proteins, nutrients, minerals and fiber.  Looking at more than 200,000 people, the study found that all nuts improve heart health, and despite their high calorie count, researchers found no evidence of them triggering weight gain. Nuts have also been found to protect against serious illnesses, including cancer, diabetes, respiratory conditions and dementia.
(But of course the salt that they are covered in will kill you…)
(Does this include peanuts, which technically aren’t classified as nuts?)
(Superfood?  To me, pizza is a superfood!)

Do you remember what you did on March 14, 2009?  Unless whatever was going on that day was a BIG DEAL, probably not.  But some people can remember what was up on any given day.  Weird, I know.  There are about 60 people in the world who have been diagnosed with a condition called ‘Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory’ (HSAM), which means that they are likely to remember practically everything about that day…or any other day that you’d care to mention to them.   Studies show that while most people will forget a certain event after just one week, people with HSAM can recall it for over a decade.  Researchers still do not understand exactly what gives certain people this amazing power, but they do know this: people with HSAM have been shown to have differences in the structure of areas linked to memory creation.  People with HSAM also tend to obsessively collect, clean, or organize things.
(I can’t even remember what was going on when I started to talk about this…)
(I had a wife once with that condition…)
(My brain would be full in about 15 minutes…)

➢ Have the person you’re with hold something warm: Studies suggest that physical warmth is related to perceptions of interpersonal warmth.
➢ Speak in a higher-pitched voice: Men and women who speak in a higher pitch are perceived as more likeable and more trustworthy.  (I thought I didn’t have to talk here…)
➢ Dress fashionably: A study found that people who “had a more fashionable appearance” were perceived to be more likeable.  (I’m cooked)
➢ Copy the person you’re with: This is called ‘mirroring’.  People are likely to say that they like people who mimic their behavior.  (Just ask Trump what he thinks of Alec Baldwin…)
➢ Spend more time around the people you’re hoping to befriend:  According to the mere-exposure effect, people tend to like other people who are familiar to them.  (OK, by now you HAVE to speak, or you’re just being creepy!)
➢ Casually touch your conversation partner:  Subliminal touching occurs when you touch a person so subtly that they barely notice. Common examples include tapping someone’s back or touching their arm, which can make them feel more warmly toward you.  (Not in this day and age.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN!)
➢ Smile: In a study, photos of people smiling were ranked as most likeable, regardless of their body position.  (Big surprise there!)
(…and then I opened my mouth…)


1949 [68] Jeff Bridges, LA CA, movie actor (“Iron Man”, “The Big Lebowski”)

1964 [53] Marisa Tomei, Brooklyn NY, film actress (“Spider-Man Homecoming”, Oscar-“My Cousin Vinny”) COMING UP… Behold My Heart, 2018

1966 [51] Fred Armisen, Hattiesburg MS, TV comic (“Portlandia” since 2011, “Saturday Night Live” 2002-13)/movie actor (“Smurfs” movies)

1969 [48] Jay-Z (Shawn Carter), Brooklyn NY, rap artist-producer (w/Beyoncé-‘Crazy in Love’, f/Alicia Keys-‘Empire State of Mind’)/wed to Beyoncé since 2008

1970 [47] Kevin Sussman, NYC, TV actor (‘Stuart Bloom’ on “The Big Bang Theory” since 2009)

1973 [44] Tyra Banks, Inglewood CA, TV personality (“America’s Next Top Model” since 2003, “The Tyra Banks Show” 2005-10)/former fashion model (“Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show”)

• “Cookie Day”, celebrating the yummiest treat of all. What’s the best kind? Chocolate chip? Oatmeal and raisin? Peanut butter with macadamia nuts?

• “Extraordinary Work Team Recognition Day”, created in 2000 as a day to pass out ‘attaboys’ to employee teams that consistently work extraordinarily well together to produce significant results for their companies or organizations. (It’s far cheaper than year-end bonuses.)

• “Santa’s List Day”, the day the big guy purportedly decides who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.

• “Wear Brown Shoes Day”, for some unknown reason. To get the full effect, make sure you wear ‘em with something black.  (To get half-effect, wear ONE brown shoe.)

• “World Wildlife Conservation Day”, with the aim of raising awareness and engaging conservationists in the goal of putting an end to wildlife crime. Some of the world’s best loved species are being slaughtered by criminal networks driven by a voracious demand for illegal animal parts and products.

• “National Kitten Day”, created with the goal to not only celebrate the undeniable adorableness of kittens, but more importantly to highlight the plight of homeless kittens around the globe and to help save as many as possible by giving shelters and rescues yet another social media platform to highlight the kittens in their care.  (***See ‘Sitcoms for Cats’, below***)

[Tues] National Communicate With Your Kids Day
[Tues] National Blue Jeans Day
[Wed] Miners’ Day
[Wed] Mitten Tree Day
This Week Is…Cookie Exchange Week
This Month Is…National Impaired Driving Prevention Month

1980 [37] Led Zeppelin officially disbands following the death by misadventure of drummer John Bonham due to excessive alcohol intake

1992 [25] In an effort to prevent hearing loss among its fans, heavy metal group Megadeth distributes 13,000 pairs of earplugs at a concert in San Francisco, California

1982 [35] 1st human killed by a bowling ball (Hernia? Swallowing? Were other victims … ‘spared’?)

2013 [04] Xavier Bettel becomes Luxembourg’s 1st openly gay Prime Minister


✓ Raindrops are shaped like hamburger buns, not teardrops.
✓ Two-thirds of the people on earth have never seen snow.
✓ 90% of text messages are read within 3 minutes of their delivery.
✓ Dead people can get goosebumps.
✓ Cats decided to live with humans on their own and domesticated themselves.
✓ Canadians are required to solve a math problem before claiming lottery winnings.

● At your age, your butt is too big to fit on the casting couch.
● In the middle of an audition, the director shouts, “Who is this has-been, get me Amanda Bynes!”
● ‘The Muppets’ now have your private table at Spago.
● You show up for a ‘Celebrity Tennis Tournament’ that also includes Andy Dick, Lindsay Lohan, and Tara Reid.
● Your screen credit is no longer ‘over the title’, but under the caterer.
● Your agent can’t decide whether to promote you as ‘The next Tom Arnold’ or ‘A thinking man’s Adam Sandler’.
● Even Ryan Seacrest has stopped kissing your ass.
● Direct to Netflix? YOUR last movie shipped ‘direct to landfill’.

-First published in BS in 2015

• Meow I Met Your Mother
• Mouse Hunters International
• Saved by the Tortoise Shell
• The Big Fang Theory
• M*A*N*X*
• Teletabbies
• L.A. Claw
• Caturday Night Live
• Whose Feline is it Anyway?
• Purrfect Strangers
• Furriends


☎ What is the worst thing about flying?

I take great pride in being humble.

Question:  Most of us want one of these at Christmas, and more than 85% of them are imported from China.
Answer:  Artificial Christmas tree

If you want to make everyone happy, don’t be a leader.  Sell ice cream.

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