Tuesday, December 6, 2011        Edition: #4645
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
29-year-old actress Jessica Biel tells a UK talk show she really, really loved playing pregnant in the new movie “New Year’s Eve”, opening this Friday (heads up, Justin Timberlake!) . . . Khloe Kardashian is being sued by a transgendered woman who claims the reality TV star ‘violently’ attacked her outside a nightclub in 2009 (which she conveniently just remembered while Khloe’s flogging a new book) . . . Kim Kardashian has been placed on the Australian Immigration Department watch list after breaching her visa applications 3 times (good reason to move Down Under – she could be banned!) . . . Meantime, jilted hubby Kris Humphries has cited fraud when filing for an annulment of his quickie marriage to Kim (seems he was the last to figure it out) . . . George Clooney tells “Hollywood Reporter” he’s sick of hearing other actors complain about how hard their jobs are (hear hear!) . . . RadarOnline reports actor Charlie Sheen stepped up to the plate and posted ex-wife Brooke Mueller’s $11,000 bail after her assault & drug possession bust on the weekend, because her own parents actually wanted to leave her in jail (aw, ain’t it romantic?) . . . 36-year-old E! Entertainment anchor Giuliana Rancic is preparing to undergo a double mastectomy next week in a bid to win her breast cancer battle (she’s a tough cookie – back at work within days after the last procedure) . . . The IRS has filed a lien against one of former supermodel Christie Brinkley’s estates, claiming she owes over $530,000 in back taxes (the 4-time divorcée has 4 Long Island properties – coincidence?) . . . And 19-of-30 ‘Oscarologists’ who follow the race for the Academy Awards for GoldDerby.com are now predicting that Michel Hazanavicius’ silent black & white movie “The Artist” will win ‘Best Picture’ next February (howz come it’s always some obscure film we’ve never heard of?).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Colbert Report” (Comedy Central/CTV) – The Black Keys (“Attack and Release”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – T-Pain (“RevolveЯ”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Black Dub (“Black Dub”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Willow Smith (debut album, “Willow”, coming in April).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Shelby Lynne (“Revelation Road”).
• “A Michael Bublé Christmas” (NBC/CTV) – This old-fashioned variety special features guest appearances by Ed Helms (“The Office”), Justin Bieber, Kellie Pickler, Oscar the Grouch (“The Muppets”), and Tracy Morgan (“30 Rock”).
• “The Talk” (CBS) – Andrea Bocelli (“Concerto, One Night in Central Park”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Taio Cruz (“Ty O”, out in early 2012).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Child prodigy Jackie Evancho (“Dream With Me”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Amy Winehouse – Today her posthumous album, “Lioness: Hidden Treasures”, is released. The 12-track collection includes previously unreleased songs, alternate versions of existing classics, and a few brand new tunes. The producers assure that this will be a one-off collection.
• Beyoncé – She says she’s laughed off ‘ridiculous’ reports suggesting she’s not really pregnant, but reveals her mom and sister are still mad about the stories.
• The Cure – Today they release the new double-disc live album, “Bestival Live 2011”, recorded at the Isle Of Wight’s “Bestival” in September. Proceeds go to the Isle Of Wight Youth Trust.
• Lady Gaga – She tells “Vanity Fair” she’s convinced she’s destined to a life of loneliness because her suitors quickly grow jealous of her mega-success. Quote: “I have an inability to know what happiness feels like with a man.”
• Madonna – The NFL has finally made official what we already reported long ago … she’s the halftime performer at Super Bowl 46 on February 5th in Indianapolis IN. Her performance will be ‘imagined’ by Cirque Du Soleil and choreographer Jamie King.
• Rihanna – It seems her non-stop touring and partying may have finally caught up with her. According to reports, her camp has placed her on around-the-clock surveillance and imposed a curfew.
• The Roots – Today their 11th studio album, “Undun”, is out. It’s their first-ever concept album, which focuses on a character named ‘Redford Stephens’, who was shot dead at age 25.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Cowboys & Aliens” ( PG-13 Sci-Fi Thriller ): Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Olivia Wilde, Adam Beach, and Sam Rockwell star in this story set in 19th-century Arizona, where Apaches and settlers must unite to battle extraterrestrial invaders.
• “The Debt” ( R-Rated Thriller ) – The story of Rachel Singer (Helen Mirren), a former Mossad agent who, along with 2 other agents (Ciaran Hinds, Tom Wilkinson), endeavors to capture and bring to trial a notorious Nazi war criminal known as the ‘Surgeon of Birkenau’ in 1966.
• “The Hangover Part II” ( R-Rated Comedy ): ‘The Wolf Pack’ (Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Justin Bartha, Zach Galifianakis) travels to Thailand where a pre-wedding brunch goes off the rails. Co-stars former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson and Ken Jeong (“Community”).
• “The Help” ( PG-13 Drama ): Emma Stone, Viola Davis, and Octavia Spencer star as an aspiring writer and 2 African-American maids who become unlikely friends in 1960s Mississippi. Based on the Kathryn Stockett bestseller. Allison Janney, Sissy Spacek, Cicely Tyson co-star.
• “Mr Popper’s Penguins” ( PG Family Comedy ): Jim Carrey stars as ‘Thomas Popper’, a flinty Manhattan businessman whose life is upended when he inherits a half-dozen unruly but lovable penguins. A contemporary retelling of the 1938 classic kids storybook of the same name.
• Also released today: “Care Bears: Super Cuddly Collection” (Animation); “Curious George Gets a New Toy” (Animation); “Dragon Tattoo Trilogy: Extended Edition” (original Swedish versions of the “Millennium Trilogy”); “Law & Order: The 9th Year” (TV); “The Love We Make” (Music Documentary); “The Lucy Show: The Official 5th Season” (Classic TV); “Mission: Impossible Trilogy” (Compilation); “The Simpsons: The Complete 14th Season” (TV); and “Talking Heads: Chronology” (Music).

FAST FOOD FIENDS:
Why are 74.1% of Americans overweight or obese? Check the following facts …
• Each day, 25% of Americans eat fast food.
• More than 1 million animals are eaten every hour in the USA.
• 40% of American meals are eaten outside the home.
• French fries are the most-eaten form of vegetable in America.
• 90% of all American children visit a McDonald’s at least once a month.
– Excerpted from TheToiletPaper.com

THE REAL NORTH POLE:
You may have a warm and fuzzy picture of the North Pole as a winter wonderland populated by a right jolly old elf but according to the new BBC-TV series, “Frozen Planet: A World Beyond Imagination”, standing at the actual North Pole can be an unnerving experience. The ground beneath you is actually sea ice, and just a few meters of it separate you from the freezing Arctic Ocean, which is more than 4 km (2.5 miles) deep at this point. Driven by wind and ocean currents, the ice is also constantly on the move, drifting up to 40 km (25 miles) a day. (Brrr … sounds like a night in Winterpeg.)
– Adapted from TheGlobeandMail.com

LIFE BY THE NUMBERS:
A BS breakdown of who we are and what we do …
• 82% of us will buy adhesive tape during the holiday season.
• 80% of curvy women (size 16 or larger) describe themselves as ‘adventurous in the sack’.
• 36% of households now own gaming consoles.
• 33% of us  can’t name a single Christmas gift we received last year.
• 25% of us ‘friend’ a new love interest on Facebook right after the first meeting.
• 6% of people will end up in the hospital this holiday season because of peanuts.

ENOUGH ALREADY!
Seems it’s possible to be just too darn jolly! A new Oxford University study has discovered that too much seasonal festivity can drive a lot of consumers out of stores empty-handed. With stress levels running high amid the pressure of getting everything prepared for the holiday season, overly exuberant retail staff, bright decorations, and cheesy seasonal music can prove a giant turn-off for many shoppers. (Hey busy people, let’s cut right to the ‘peace’ on Earth part.)
– Telegraph.co.uk

BIZARRE BS HOLIDAY GEAR:
Hard to believe, but these are real products currently available online …
• ‘Pooping Reindeer Holiday Sweater’ – You say you’re looking for a ‘tacky Christmas sweater’? How about downright objectionable? $28.99 (scoop and baggie extra).
• ‘Giant Christmas Tree Hat’ – When an ugly Christmas sweater just isn’t tacky enough, you can always accessorize with this towering pinnacle of tinsel, lights, and decorations. $12.99 (extension cord extra)
• ‘Bacon Ornament’ – You’ve always wanted to decorate your tree with red glittery meat featuring gold glistening fatty portions, right? Nothing says festive like smoked-hog. $15.99 (spray-on scent extra).
• ‘Grow Snow’ – Create a blizzard on a table-top! Just fill a small dish with water, add a bit of the special powder to instantly make white, powdery imitation snow. $4.99 (mini-shovel extra).
• ‘Mistletoe-To-Go’ – An attractive arrangement of faux mistletoe attached to a suction cup. Slap it on your forehead and get ready to pucker! $11.99 (breath mints extra).
• ‘Inflatable Mooning Santa’ – Be the talk of your neighborhood with this 40-inch-tall Santa dropping his ruby-red drawers. Perfect lawn ornament or window decoration! $17.49 (imitation hair extra).
– BS Original

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Ravens are the only species other than apes who can ‘point’ and share objects like humans.
– “Daily Mail”
• This year buying all the items in “The 12 Days of Christmas” would cost: $101,119, the most expensive item being 7 swans a-swimming, which would cost $6,300.
– “The Consumerist”
• Swearing really can relieve pain.
– “Daily Telegraph”

BS CHRONOMETER 12.06.11