Thursday, December 6, 2012        Edition: #4884

Good Morning, Sheetheads!

Tonight on the debut episode of new UK TV show “Jamie & Jimmy’s Food Fight Club” (sort of a cross between a cooking show and a game show), co-host Jamie Oliver challenges actress Gwyneth Paltrow to wolf down a burger, fries, and milkshake – while riding a rollercoaster (yet another Brit reality show that will likely get exported) . . . 19-year-old actor Angus T Jones, who recently called his “Two-and-a-half Men” show ‘filth’ and urged viewers to ‘stop watching’, will not appear in the final 2 episodes before the CBS-TV comedy takes a holiday hiatus, which producers say is just a ‘scheduling coincidence’ (BS translation: It’s a slapdown) . . . The 23rd ‘Bond’ film, “Skyfall”, is now the highest-grossing movie of all-time in Britain, hitting $151.8 million after just 40 days of release, thereby surpassing “Avatar” ($151.3 million) . . . After scaling back last year on the number of Grammy Awards handed out, the Recording Academy has now added 3 new categories: ‘Classical Compendium’, ‘Latin Jazz Album’, and ‘Urban Contemporary Album’ (still no ‘Operatic Gospel Polka’ award, dammit!) . . . Italian orchestra Spira Mirabilis is making a bid for artistic freedom by playing concerts without a conductor (tonight’s show will start at 7 in the brass section, 7:02 in strings, 7:06 in  …) . . . “Magic Mike” star Channing Tatum is taking a break from acting in 2013 to focus on his directorial debut, and hopes to write the script for that first project by the end of this year (clearly he has more talent than just shedding clothes) . . . Former child actor Taran Noah Smith, who played little ‘Mark Taylor’ on “Home Improvement” 1991-99, has pleaded guilty for DUI with marijuana (awww, he’s 28 and all growed up!) . . . And they’re doin’ it for sure – Hugh Hefner (86) and his 2nd-time bride-to-be Crystal Harris (26) have visited the Beverly Hills CA courthouse to obtain the necessary paperwork for their New Year’s wedding, set to take place at the Playboy Mansion (unless she gives her head a shake before then).

• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Guest host Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters).
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Gaslight Anthem (“Handwritten”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Cory Monteith (“Glee”).
• “George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight” (CBC) – Rita MacNeil (“Saving Grace”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Alicia Keys (“Girl On Fire”). Rerun.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Walk the Moon (“Walk the Moon”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – Richie Sambora (“Aftermath Of the Lowdown”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tanlines (“Mixed Emotions”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Vintage Trouble (“The Bomb Shelter Sessions”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Paloma Faith (“Fall to Grace”).
• “The X Factor” (FOX/CTV2) – Ke$ha (“Warrior”) performs; 2011 winner Melanie Amaro performs; contestants face elimination.

• Chris Young – The “Voices” singer has lost his. For precautionary reasons, his doctor has placed him on vocal rest for the remainder of the week, forcing postponement of “Liquid Neon Tour” shows in Alabama, Georgia, and Tennessee.
• Coldplay – Chris Martin is such a bad cook, firefighters have been called out to deal with his kitchen disasters … at least, according to actress-wife Gwyneth Paltrow, who’s never been known to exaggerate about anything.
• Foo Fighters – Dave Grohl’s much anticipated “Sound City” documentary, about the legendary LA recording studio, will officially debut at the Sundance Film Festival next month in Utah and will have a theater release date sometime in February.
• Maroon 5 – Adam Levine says reality TV star Honey Boo Boo is “literally The. Worst. Thing. That’s. Ever. Happened.” (Um, has he heard “Payphone”?)
• Neil Young & Crazy Horse – Tonight they perform a special benefit concert at Borgata Hotel Casino & Spa in Atlantic City NJ with proceeds going to the American Red Cross Hurricane Sandy relief effort.

A BS selection of movies in the making …
• “Goon 2” – Actor Jay Baruchel (“Million Dollar Baby”, “Knocked Up”) has confirmed on Twitter that he’s working on a script for a sequel to the 2011 indie hockey comedy. Baruchel co-wrote the original movie, which starred Seann William Scott as a bouncer-turned-hockey enforcer who leads a downtrodden team to new heights. This could be the only pro hockey we see for a while.
• “Mojave” – Rising Hollywood actors Oscar Isaac (“The Bourne Legacy”) and Jason Clarke (“Zero Dark Thirty”) will star in this thriller about a criminal who escapes in the desert. William Monahan, who won an Oscar for penning the Martin Scorsese crime drama “The Departed”, is directing. A start in early 2013 is being eyed.
• “Return to Casablanca” – A sequel is in the works to the 1942 classic “Casablanca”, which starred  Humphrey Bogart & Ingrid Bergman. The plot revolves around ‘Richard Blaine’ (the illegitimate son of Bogie’s character ‘Rick’ and Bergman’s ‘Ilsa’), who goes back to Casablanca to find out what happened to his parents. Another working title is said to be “As Time Goes By”.
• “Taking Life” – Award-winning British advertising director Steve Reeves is set to make his feature directorial debut with this female-led thriller. The movie details the story of a woman who, finding herself passed over at work for a promotion, goes home and takes her rage out on an innocent employee with devastating consequences. No casting has yet been announced.
• Untitled Wikileaks Project – 36-year-old Brit actor Benedict Cumberbatch plays Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in this upcoming bio-film. Daniel Bruhl (“Inglourious Basterds”) co-stars as Daniel Domscheit-Berg, author of the book “Inside WikiLeaks: My Time With Julian Assange At the World’s Most Dangerous Website”. Laura Linney is also in talks to join the cast.
• “X-Men: Days of Future Past” – Hugh Jackman is in negotiations to reprise his ‘Wolverine’ role as director Bryan Singer merges past and present characters. He’ll be joining the stars from the original trilogy: Patrick Stewart (‘Professor Charles Xavier’) and Ian McKellen (‘Magneto’); along with James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence, and Nicholas Hoult.

French president François Hollande is proposing that France ban homework. Why? Well because, silly, those students that don’t have parents to help them will be at a disadvantage. Numerous studies have shown that too much homework can be detrimental. Countries with the highest achievement test scores, such as Japan, Denmark, and the Czech Republic, have little homework. Meanwhile, countries such as Greece, Thailand, and Iran, where students have some of the worst average scores, have teachers who assign a lot of homework. But banning it altogether because some kids don’t have parents? Makes no sense. (Like banning sex because some people don’t have a right hand.)
– Condensed from

Out of the kitchen and into the hotel lobby: Gingerbread houses have gone from being a homemade project done with mom to professional exhibits designed by pastry chefs and sometimes even architects. And never mind the humble miniature: Some displays are life-size, while others depict entire villages. A few extravaganzas raise money for charity, while some include contests for home bakers. Many are part of larger Christmas celebrations at luxury hotels that also showcase decorated trees, Santa visits, and holiday menus. (What’s the R-value on gingerbread? Might be cheaper than fiberglass.)

Usually topping a “Forbes” list is worthy of bragging rights, but this one may be the exception. The publication has calculated how much movies make compared to their stars to determine which actors are a good investment. Those who turn out to be the most overpaid include …
1. Eddie Murphy … for every dollar he was paid for his last 3 films, studios only took in an estimated $2.30 at the box office.
2. Katherine Heigl … her lat 3 films earned an average $3.40 for every buck she was paid.
3. Reese Witherspoon … a series of flops has lowered her studios’ earning rate to $3.90.
4. Sandra Bullock …. Perhaps a surprise that she’s listed, but her last hit was 2009’s “The Blind Side”. Her last 3 movies netted studios a $5 rate of return.
5. Jack Black … his recent films have earned $5.20 for each dollar he was paid.

Final stats from the 2012 Atlantic Hurricane Season show that 4 land-falling storms left coastal communities in tatters from Louisiana to New York. For the 3rd straight season there were 19 named storms in the Atlantic, the 3rd-highest level of storm activity observed since 1851. 10 of those storms went on to become hurricanes. (Including the first-ever to be tagged a ‘Superstorm’ … Sandy.)

• Watermelons are 97% water, lettuce 97%, tomatoes 95%, carrots 90%, and bread 30%.
• The first diet soft drink, called the ‘No-Cal Beverage’ was launched 60 years ago, in 1952.
• The tall chef’s hat is officially known as a ‘toque’.
• An onion, apple, and potato all have the same taste. The differences in flavor are caused by their smell.


1955 [57] Steven Wright, NYC, droll stand-up comedian (“I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.”)

1956 [56] Peter Buck, Oakland CA, retired rock guitarist (REM-“Losing My Religion”, “Everybody Hurts”)

1967 [45] Judd Apatow, Syosset NY, movie producer (“Bridesmaids”, “Pineapple Express”)/movie director (“Knocked Up”, “The 40 Year Old Virgin”)

• “Day of Remembrance & Action on Violence Against Women”, established by Canada’s parliament in 1991 to recognize and denounce violence against women. The day coincides with the anniversary of the 1989 ‘Montréal Massacre’ when 14 young women were tragically killed at l’École Polytechnique.

• “Gazpacho Day”, in celebration of the spicy but cold Spanish soup. To look like a real rube, order some in a restaurant and then blow on it to cool it down.

• “International Bad Hair Day”, a day to flaunt it if you’ve got it!

• “Miners Day”, saluting the ‘men of the deeps’ who toil away daily underground.

• “Pawnbrokers Day”, celebrated on “St Nicholas Day”, the saint who, among other things, is the patron saint of pawnbroking.

• “St Nicholas Day”, commemorating the 4th-century bishop who died December 6, 342 AD and from whom the traditions of ‘Santa Claus’ and exchanging gifts were derived. No wonder he’s the patron saint of both children and merchants! Many European kids awake today to find candy and oranges in their shoes, or if they’ve been bad … a piece of coal.

2002 [10] Movie actress Winona Ryder is sentenced to community service for stealing more than $5,500 in merchandise from Saks Fifth Ave in Beverly Hills CA (pretty much a career killer)

2005 [07] Director Ang Lee’s “Brokeback Mountain”, starring Heath Ledger & Jake Gyllenhaal, premieres in NYC (goes on to win 3 Academy Awards)

1971 [41] “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” is released by John & Yoko Lennon with The Plastic Ono Band and the Harlem Community Choir

1960 [52] 1st ‘Domino’s Pizza’ opens (Detroit, Michigan)

1983 [29] World record for ‘Continuous Whistling’ set at 45 hours, 20 minutes (stop it … stop that annoying whistling … shut-up!)

1992 [20] Jerry Rice of the San Francisco 49ers catches his 101st career TD reception, breaking the NFL record for ‘Most Career Touchdowns’ previously held by Steve Largent (finishes career with a total of 197)

[Fri] “Playing for Keeps” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Faux Fur Friday
[Fri] Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day
[Sat] Rolling Stones play Barclays Center in Brooklyn NY
[Sun] Hanukkah begins (Jewish)
[Sun] Worldwide Candle Lighting Day
This Week Is … Handwashing Awareness Week
This Month Is … World AIDS Month


• After too much egg nog, Mrs Claus is ‘all hands’.
• Contracting Lyme disease from showering with reindeer.
• That idiot Blitzen always mistaking you for a chew toy.
• Low blood pressure makes it difficult to maintain curled toes.
• When a jingle bell gets lodged in your trachea.
• You’re kicking back enjoying the Jacuzzi … and Santa gets in naked.
• When a reindeer takes a leak on you.
• Hookers who laugh when you take your pants off.
• People who mistakenly think you’re a lawn ornament.
• Health plan doesn’t cover sleigh rash.

The two most common elements are hydrogen and stupidity.

You run down the list while your guest/phone caller/crew member decides which choice is more palatable. Would you rather …
• Be stuck in a house with someone you hate OR be stuck in a house alone?
• Be ugly and marry a good looking person OR be good looking and marry an ugly person?
• Try and take a banana from a large monkey OR try and take an egg from a mother goose on her nest?
• Cut your own hair OR have it cut by an expert hairdresser who is blindfolded?
• Be able to talk with all animals OR be able to understand all foreign languages?
• Lick the spit off of a dog’s mouth after it returns from a run OR try to steal a bone from a pit bull?
• Be able to sleep upside down like a bat OR be able to sleep standing up like a cow?
• Eat a hair sandwich OR an earwax omelette?
• Have to always wear 3-D glasses OR have to wear a milk mustache at all times?
• Be really smart but really boring OR be really dumb but funny and entertaining?

• Which best describes the original Saint Nicholas or ‘Sinterklaas’?
a. Short and fat.
b. Tall and fat.
c. Tall and slim. [CORRECT]

• What service do ATMs in Japan provide that isn’t seen elsewhere?
a. They take your picture and try to sell you a copy.
b. They sell canned soft drinks.
c. They launder money. [CORRECT. Actually, they wash AND iron bills.]

☎ What movies and/or TV shows are sacrosanct and should never be re-made or followed up with a sequel?

Question: 11% of women bend over every day to do THIS.
Answer: Shave their legs.

Never borrow trouble, the interest is entirely too high.

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