Monday, February 7, 2005        Edition: #2964
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!

• THIS WEEK “Desperate Housewives” stars Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria, Nicollette Sheridan, Felicity Huffman & Marcia Cross will each take a turn hosting ABC-TV’s “The View” from Los Angeles. They’ll be filling in for Meredith Vieira who has the week off. And “House”-heads will be titillated to hear that one of the stars is said to be coming out, revealing her real-life sexuality preference just in time for the MAY sweeps. The PR blitz is said to include a cover story in gay news mag “The Advocate”.
– “Hollywood Reporter” / “NY Daily News”
• It’s been confirmed the 21st official ‘James Bond’ movie will be “Casino Royale”, and it’s due for release in 2006. David Niven starred in a ‘Bond’ spoof film of the same name in 1967. Meantime, the search for the new ‘007′ continues with Orlando Bloom, Jude Law, Clive Owen, Dougray Scott & Ewan McGregor believed to be in the running.
– Ananova
• Jennifer Lopez’s engagement ring from Ben Affleck has been ‘reacquired’ by jeweler Harry Winston’s and is again for sale, but the price is only available to serious buyers. There are also reports that Ben Affleck has bought another engagement ring for another Jen – Jennifer  Garner. The rumor has it he’s ready to pop the question as soon as Valentine’s Day.
– “E! Online” / ”People Magazine”
• “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell was so shocked by how fat he looked on TV recently that he hired celebrity lifestyle guru Carole Caplin to help him get into shape. And it seems to be working – so far he’s lost close to 20 lbs. Meantime, Cowell has offered up a critique of some of the most successful women in song – Britney Spears, he says, “got lucky”; Beyoncé is “boring”; Alicia Keys is a “fantastic songwriter”; and Christina Aguilera is an “unbelievable talent” who we’ll still be listening to in 10 years.
– World Entertainment News Network / ”USA Weekend”
• The merchandising-minded spiritualists at the trendy Kabbalah Center are launching a new ‘Kabbalah Energy Drink’ and they’re hoping that Kabbalah devotees Madonna, Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher will help promote the new beverage. The drink is targeted at mass-market, non-Kabbalah consumers. A spokesman says they’re going after the ‘Red Bull’ market but ‘Kabbalah Energy Drink’ tastes better. Word is if it’s successful, there’ll soon be lots more Kabbalah products.
– “The Scoop” / ”The Sun”
• Sources say Jennifer Aniston has a plan to regain estranged husband Brad Pitt’s affections by becoming the best woman she can be. It reportedly includes giving up smoking, getting into physical shape, psychotherapy to deal with her unresolved childhood issues, and proving that she’s a strong woman who can handle a superstar career.
– “Star Magazine”

• Alanis Morissette – TONIGHT she has a cameo on CTV’s “Degrassi: Next Generation” as a favor to guest director Kevin Smith after appearing in his films “Dogma” and “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back”. She plays a school principal.
• Ashanti – TODAY she’s on TV’s syndicated “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Eminem – “Like Toy Soldiers” samples an ‘80s hit by Martika, whose real name is Marta Marrero.
• Eric Clapton – The 59-year-old classic rocker has become a father for the 5th time as his 29-year-old wife Melia has given birth to an as-yet-unnamed baby girl in a London hospital.
• Sawyer Brown – TODAY they’ve been tapped to Grand Marshall the Krewe of Orpheus’ “Mardi Gras” parade through the streets of New Orleans LA.
• Sum 41 – TONIGHT they’re expected to resume their Canadian tour in Sherbrooke QC. Deryck Whibley’s ruptured vocal chord caused postponement of 3 shows – 2 Toronto concerts that have been rescheduled for APRIL 7-8, and a London ON concert that will now take place APRIL 11.

• “Firefighter Fired for Fighting Fire with Fire!”
• “Scientist Finds Women’s Asking-for-Directions Gene!”
• “Rumsfeld Claims Abu Ghraib Prisoners Were Playing ‘Twister’!”
• “Jesus Was a Japanese Garlic Farmer!”
• “Obnoxious Kids Drive Ghosts from Haunted House!”
• “Great News for Beer Drinkers … Suds Make You Smarter!”
– “Weekly World News”

Troy Hurtubise of North Bay ON, infamous for spending 7 years on ‘Project Grizzly’ – a suit of armor able to withstand a grizzly bear attack – is back with another invention. He’s now created the ‘Angel Light’, a beam of light which he claims can see through walls. Hurtubise says the concept came to him in a series of recurring dreams in which the mechanics of the device were shown to him. He built the gizmo using $30,000 of his own money plus $40,000 he claims to have received from unidentified scientists at MIT. The ‘Angel Light’ is now complete, though no one from the scientific community has actually tested it. According to MIT’s Gary Dryfoos, there’s a Nobel Prize waiting for Hurtubise if his machine actually works. (‘Angel Light’ was selected as a more exotic name alternative to calling it a – ‘window’.)

A new report written by an international task force of high-level politicians, business leaders and academics has concluded that a further 1.2-degree-rise in average temperature on Earth’s surface could bring on climate-change catastrophes. The report claims we are within just 10 years of this turning point, after which we can expect ‘widespread agricultural failure, water shortages and major droughts, increased disease, sea-level rise and the death of forests’. (The really bad news is – now they have a premise to make the sequel “The Day After the Day After Tomorrow”.)
– “The Independent”

• The average animal dies after 800 million heartbeats.
• During a 24-hour period, the average person speaks 4,800 words.
• All snow crystals are hexagonal.
• 70% of us close our eyes while kissing.
– ”Useless Facts” / “Harlequin Romance”

• “I haven’t bought a fleet of cars. I don’t know about cars. I do have a Mercedes, but living in New York I don’t care about what I roll in. For me, it’s just a place to put my bag.”
– Mariah Carey telling “Blender” magazine how sweet it is when you’ve been paid $28 million to end a recording deal.
• “Everybody would see who could do the most dips on the dip bar, and I did the most. At 74, I could still do 30.”
– 74-year-old Clint Eastwood telling CBS-TV how he showed up the rest of the cast and crew on the set of the “Million Dollar Baby” gym.
• “I’m proving I’m not just that guy from ‘Baywatch’ or ‘Knight Rider’.”
– Pseudo-actor David Hasselhoff telling “Empire” magazine why he appeared in “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie”.


1955 [50] Miguel Ferrer, Santa Monica CA, TV actor (‘Deputy Chief Medical Examiner Garret
Macy’ on “Crossing Jordan” since 2001)/movie actor (“Traffic”)/son of late actor José Ferrer & Rosemary Clooney/George Clooney’s cousin

1960 [45] James Spader, Boston MA, TV actor (‘Alan Shore’ on “Boston Legal” since 2004)/movie actor (“sex, lies & videotape”)

1962 [43] Garth Brooks, Tulsa OK, retired country singer whose “Ropin’ the Wind” was the 1st album to debut at #1 on both the Country and Pop charts in “Billboard”

1962 [43] David Bryan (Rashbaum), Perth Amboy NJ, rock keyboardist (Bon Jovi-“Misunderstood”, “Always”)

1966 [39] Chris Rock, Georgetown SC, comedian/movie actor (“Head of State”)  UP NEXT: Hosts the “77th Academy Awards” FEBRUARY 27th.

1978 [27] Ashton Kutcher, Cedar Rapids IA, TV actor (‘Michael Kelso’ on “That ’70s Show” since 1998)/movie actor (“Dude, Where’s My Car?”)

TODAY is “Rose Monday”, the day before “Mardi Gras” and a big day for partying down at Carnivals around-the-world.

TODAY in Iceland is “Bun Day” (“Bolludagur”). On the Monday before Lent, Icelandic parents wake up to their children smacking them with colorful sticks decorated with paper and ribbons. The number of smacks they succeed in giving is the number of cream buns their parents are obliged to give as gifts. The children chant ‘bolla, bolla’ (bun, bun) while enacting this custom thought to have begun in about 1700.

TODAY is “Wave ALL Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day” … instead of just the middle one. (And they’ll think, “What the hell does that idiot want now?”)

TODAY is “Girls & Women In Sports Day”. (Also known as ‘Women Who Don’t Shave Their Legs Day’.)

THIS WEEK  is “Dump Your Significant Jerk Week”, when you’re encouraged to terminate your jerk relationship – whether boyfriend or girlfriend – BEFORE “Valentine’s Day”, thereby saving the associated money and awkwardness involved in faking romance.

1988 [17] 1st episode of “America’s Most Wanted” on FOX-TV (credited with the capture of over 700 fugitives)

1964 [41] The Beatles 1st North American tour begins in NYC, the so-called ‘British Invasion’

1875 [130] 1st ‘tattooing machine’ (Samuel O’Reilly-NYC)

1976 [29] Toronto Maple Leaf Darryl Sittler scores NHL-record 10 points in a single game, including 6 goals, vs Boston Bruins

[Tues] Mardi Gras / Pancake Day
[Wed] Ash Wednesday / Lent begins
[Wed] Chinese New Year (Year of the Rooster)
[Wed] Develop Alternative Vices Day
[Wed] 25th Brit Awards (London UK)
[Wed-Sun] US Comedy Arts Festival (Aspen CO)
[Thurs] Al Hijra (Islamic New Year)
[Fri] Inventors Day
[Fri] Satisfied Staying Single Day

International Engineers Week
Pancake Week
International Coaching Week
Consumer Protection Week
School Counselling Week
Freelance Writers Appreciation Week
Love Makes the World Go Round But Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week
Rejection Awareness Week
International Friendship Week


• The enticing theme ‘Watch the Super Bowl from the Goodyear Blimp’ turned out to be a lame excuse for a lousy 5-inch TV.
• You missed most of the first half listening to the host’s Amway presentation.
• The only finger food was a tattered pack of lemon-honey throat lozenges.
• All the women looked like John Madden.
• They held it Saturday so everyone could make it.
• The host served hot dogs by hiking them between his legs.
• Half-time show featured an old wrinkle-rocker not exposing any breast.
• Listening to the game via Morse Code turned out not to be as nostalgic as you initially thought.
• You missed the game-winning field goal because of someone fooling with the rabbit-ears antenna again.
• And the surest sign you went to a crappy Super Bowl party – you remember it!

Q: What’s the average age of wine consumed around-the-world?
A: Wine snobs will be shocked to learn that internationally, over 95% of all wine made in a given harvest is consumed before the next harvest. In other words, most wine consumed is less than 12-months-old.
– “Denver Post”

• In Tennessee, it’s illegal to tell someone to quit smoking.
• In Oregon, donut holes must be at least one-eighth inch in diameter.
• Unmarried women are not allowed to buy edible panties in South Carolina.
• It’s illegal to tear a phone book in half in Montana.
• Anyone caught selling a ‘smoothie’ that has lumps is breaking the law in California.
• In Arkansas, it’s illegal for a woman getting married for the second time to wear a white wedding gown.
• In Pennsylvania, it’s against the law to put a dollar on a string on the ground and yank it when someone tries to pick it up.
• In NYC, it’s illegal for a restaurant to call it a ‘corned beef sandwich’ if it’s made with white bread and mayonnaise.

1. George Clooney (43)
2. Brad Pitt (41)
3. Johnny Depp (41)
4. Mel Gibson (49)
5. Tom Cruise (42)
1. Sandra Bullock (40)
2. Teri Hatcher (40)
3. Michelle Pfeiffer (46)
4. Sharon Stone (46)
5. Courteney Cox-Arquette (40)
– Just-released poll by TV channel FX 289.

Today’s Question: 90% of women polled say they’d prefer to date a guy who has one of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A cat.

Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.

Salutations to Aaron Tompkins @ CHCQ (Cool 100) Belleville ON who’s back for another full year of “BS”. We also welcome samplers this week that include Cheyenne Long @ WKQY (The Eagle) Beckly WV; John Moran @ CIKR (K-Rock 105.7) Kingston ON; Joshua Hanks @ WPEG (Power 98) Charlotte NC; Don Beaudin @ CJLT (Alive 99.5) Medicine Hat AB; and Todd Logan @ KPUS (Classic Rock 104.5) Corpus Christi TX. Refer a friend to “BS” and get a FREE MONTH of service! You can instantly order or renew your “Bull Sheet” subscription using your VISA or MasterCard at our Website:

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