Thursday, February 3, 2005 Edition: #2962
Here’s More Bull Roar!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Oprah Winfrey visits the “Desperate Housewives” set and even gets to play the new housewife on ‘Wisteria Lane’ in a skit written by show creator Marc Cherry . . . Meantime, “Desperate Housewives” stars Eva Longoria & Nicolette Sheridan tell E! they’re beginning to feel overexposed and are we’ll get sick of hearing about them and seeing their faces (and well so!) . . . Nicole Kidman has been honored for the ‘lifetime achievement’ of looking after her fair skin in the 8th annual “Skinnies Awards” announced by Southern Californian dermatologist Dr Vail Reese (http://www.skinema.com) . . . Richard Gere has reportedly turned down the lead role in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new stage production of “The Sound of Music” (he was up for ‘Maria’?) . . . Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is undergoing a new exercise regime from her London personal trainer James D’Silva called ‘Gyrotonic Expansion’ that’s touted to improve the figure – at $114 an hour (you can sell these gullible celebs just about anything can’t you?) . . . FOX-TV and Verizon have cooperated to roll out 60-second episodes of a “24″-based feature called “24: Conspiracy” designed to be viewed on – cellphones! . . . Rumors are flying that ‘Fez’ (Wilmer Valderrama) may get his own spin-off show after Topher Grace & Ashton Kutcher bolt “That 70s Show” after this final season (rumors no doubt started by Wilmer) . . . Actors James Caan & Robert Duvall are set to reprise their roles in the classic film “The Godfather” by providing their voices and likeness for a new Electronic Arts video game called “The Godfather Game” to be released THIS FALL (Marlon Brando recorded his voice-overs for the game just a few months before he died) . . . And if you’d like to spend the summer and early fall living in 1867 Texas, apply now for PBS-TV’s forthcoming “Texas Ranch House” as producers are searching for wranglers, cowhands, cooks, vaqueros, ranchers & anyone else interested in trying to survive the lifestyle of a century-and-half ago (http://www.pbs.org/wnet/ranchhouse).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Elton John – TONIGHT he’s on “Late Show With David Letterman”.
• Enrique Iglesias – He’s signed to be the face of the new Tommy Hilfiger cologne called ‘True Star Men’ which will launch worldwide later THIS YEAR.
• LeAnn Rimes – TONIGHT she’s on “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC-TV and “The Late Late Show” on CBS-TV.
• Montgomery Gentry & Trace Adkins – TONIGHT they kick off their joint “Turn It Up & Bring It On” tour at the Alliant Energy Center in Madison WI.
• Usher – He leads nominations for this year’s “Soul Train Music Awards” (FEBRUARY 28th) with 5, including ‘Best Duet’ for “My Boo” with Alicia Keys.
• U2 – The Edge has obtained a restraining order against Irish tabloid “The Sunday World “ which he says is invading his family’s privacy by publishing details about a relative’s illness.
Sam Huntington has been cast as ‘Jimmy Olsen’, cub reporter for the ‘Daily Planet’ in the new “Superman Returns” movie, joining Kate Bosworth as ‘Lois Lane’, Kevin Spacey as ‘Lex Luthor’, Hugh Laurie as ‘Perry White’ and Brandon Routh who’ll star as ‘Clark Kent’ and his alter ego . . . . Will Smith will play an investment banker who gains fame and fortune in “Pursuit of Happyness”, based on a real-life story . . . Brad Pitt will play doomed gunslinger Jesse James in “The Assassination of Jesse James” (produced by Brad & Jen Aniston’s Plan B production company) . . . “The Good Shepherd”, a drama about the history of the CIA begins shooting in MARCH, directed by Robert De Niro and co-starring Matt Damon & Angelina Jolie . . . Drew Barrymore will star opposite Eric Bana in “Lucky You”, a comedy set in the world of high-stakes poker . . . Sandra Bullock is reuniting with Keanu Reeves in the romantic drama “Il Mare”, their first movie together since 1994’s “Speed” . . . Disney is planning to go ahead with “Toy Story 3″, despite the fact that it’s no longer associated with Pixar, the computer-animation company responsible for the groundbreaking animation in the first 2 films.
BODY ADS, PART 4:
Detroit Pistons guard Richard Hamilton is being paid by Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co to wear his hair in the style of the tread pattern of its ‘Assurance TripleTred’ tire. He showed off the new ‘do when the NBA champ Pistons visited the White House on MONDAY and plans to keep his corn-rows in the tread pattern for at least a week. (Then he’ll switch to snow tires.)
– “Bloomberg News”
TALKING THROUGH YOUR BUTT:
Hot new TV show “Medium” has yet to delve into this but Sylvester Stallone’s weirdo mom Jackie Stallone is a clairvoyant who claims she can make predictions by reading – people’s buttocks! “Simple Life” Star Nicole Richie says she learned the same skill from a psychic. Such ‘experts’ say the left cheek reveals info about the past, while the right cheek shows a person’s talents and potential abilities. Here are a few things your buttocks say about you …
• A guy with a nice muscular butt is considered to be strong, persistent and enduring in bed.
• A woman with a cute, little, round bottom is sexually active, albeit material and unkind.
• Symmetrical wrinkles underneath the buttocks stand for reliable, steady and calm individuals, whereas asymmetrical wrinkles expose selfish and greedy people.
• Those with ‘ear-like bulges’ on both sides are usually faithful people in love and marriage, but also hopelessly mediocre.
• Females with square-shaped, sagging buttocks are kind in their nature, make good wives and careful mothers.
• People whose left buttock is larger than the right should find marriage as early as possible as they’ll be terribly unhappy remaining single. People whose right buttock is larger than the left will face a lot of serious problems in their lives.
• Birthmarks on the upper area of the buttocks are a sign of courageous and passionate people. A lower positioning of a birthmark testifies to problems with potency and procreation.
• Hairy buttocks are a sign of kind and agreeable people. However, these people are most likely to have offspring who are psychologically unbalanced and short-tempered.
VALENTINE’S DAY SURPRISES:
Here are 10 ways you can make her melt if you plan ahead for Valentine’s Day. Many of them don’t even cost much ….
• Cook her favorite meal.
• Set up a scavenger hunt for a special treat.
• Take her shopping.
• Rent a limo and surprise her.
• Take lessons together. Ballroom dancing, anyone?
• Plan a romantic evening that includes a fancy hotel room.
• Revisit your first date.
• Be her slave for the day.
• Organize a romantic getaway to some exotic locale.
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• 94% of wives kiss their men more than twice daily. (Many kiss their husbands too.)
• 66% of us come up with our most creative ideas come when we’re alone. (And there’s no one around to tell us they suck.)
• 57% of 8-12 year-olds claim they usually set the dinner table. (‘Usually’ meaning ‘once’.)
• 42% of men clean their navels every day. (The rest are saving up for a sweater?)
• 41% of executives admit they have doodled under the pretence of taking notes in meetings. (Even the boss is bored!)
IT’S A WACK WORLD:
• Just how fanatical is 36-year-old Philadelphia Eagles fan Kevin O’Donoghue about his Super Bowl-bound heroes? So fanatical that he’s mortgaged his house to buy a $4,000 hotel-and-tickets package for SUNDAY’s game. Quote: “Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.”
• It’s here, it’s queer, it’s beer! A Swiss company has launched a new drink aimed at gays called ‘Queer Beer’. Its creator says he hopes it will help people feel relaxed with their sexuality. A spokesman for gay-rights group Pink Cross says, “We just hope it tastes good.”
BS AMAZING FACT:
The Molson-Coors merger will create the 5th-largest beer-making company in the world, with a 43% market share in Canada, 21% in Britain, and 11% in both the USA and Brazil.
– “Globe & Mail”
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• The Michael Jackson trial is projected to last 6 months.
– “USA Today”
• A 25-year-old waitress who turned down a job providing ‘sexual services’ at a brothel in Berlin faces cuts to her unemployment benefits under new German laws introduced this year.
– “Daily Telegraph”
THE BULL SHEET 02.03.2K5
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1956  (Joseph) Nathan Lane, Jersey City NJ, highest-paid Broadway actor ever (along with Matthew Broderick for “The Producers”)/movie actor (“Stuart Little 1 & 2″, ‘Timon’ in “The Lion King”) COMING UP: “The Producers: The Movie Musical”.
1965  Matraca Berg, Nashville TN, country singer (“Baby Walk On”, “I Got It Bad”)
1965  Maura Tierney, Boston MA, TV actress (‘Nurse Abby Lockhart’ on “ER” since 2000)
1970  Warwick Davis, Epsom UK, 3 ft-6 in movie actor (‘Professor Filius Flitwick in the “Harry Potter” films)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day”, a day of protest over how people with bifocals are forced to look ridiculous while working on computers, heads tilted back like turkeys in a rainstorm.
TODAY is “Men’s Grooming Day”. Yup, it’s that one day of the year again already!
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2000  WWE mastermind Vince McMahon unveils his latest creation – a new pro football league called the ‘XFL’ which opens a year later on this date, then folds after a single season (it’s one lasting contribution to pro football – the remote-controlled overhead camera)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1877  The staple of poor pianists, “The Celebrated Chop Waltz” (better known as “Chopsticks”), is registered in Britain by its composer, 16-year-old Euphemia Alten, using the pseudonym Arthur de Lulli
1959  ‘The Day the Music Died’ as rock ‘n roll singers Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens & The Big Bopper are killed in a plane crash near Clear Lake IA
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1881  1st use of the word ‘Jumbo’ as circus entrepreneur PT Barnum names his new 6-ton elephant
1984  World’s 1st baby conceived by ‘embryo transplant’, in Long Beach CA (“Here, let me carry that for you …”)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1947  North America’s ‘Coldest Recorded Temperature’, -63 C (-81 F) at Snag, Yukon Territory
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Midpoint of Winter
[Sat] Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
[Sat] SAG Awards
[Sun] Bob Marley’s 60th Birthday Celebration
[Mon] Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbor Day
[Tues] Mardi Gras / Pancake Day
This Week Is . . . Cardiopulmonary Week / Crime Prevention Week
This Month Is . . . Celebration of Chocolate Month / Cat Health Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
DUMBEST SUPER BOWL QUESTIONS:
Actual questions asked over the years by reporters at the infamous ‘Media Day’ before the Super Bowl …
• “Why do you take your earring off for the game?”
• “What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?”
• “Is ‘Ram’ a noun or a verb?”
• “Do you believe you can win?”
• “Do you believe in voodoo, and can I have a lock of your hair?”
HERE OR HEREAFTER?
Are the following comedians stiff or still doing stand-up?
• Former ‘Rat Pack’ member Joey Bishop. [ALIVE and 87 TODAY.]
• ‘No respect’ comedian Rodney Dangerfield. [DIED 10/5/2004.]
• Russian comic Yakov Smirnoff. [ALIVE at 54.]
• TV, movie & stand-up comic Alan King. [DIED 5/9/2004.]
• Big guy Louie Anderson. [ALIVE at 51.]
• Prop-tossing stand-up Gallagher. [ALIVE at 57.]
• Man of a thousand voices Rich Little. [ALIVE at 66.]
• ‘Take my wife, please’ comedian Henny Youngman. [DIED 1998.]
• Stand-up comic & movie actor (“Meet the Fockers”) Shelley Berman. [ALIVE and 79 TODAY.]
• Hilarious piano virtuoso Victor Borge. [DIED 2000.]
• A Winnipeg bar that was once considered the toughest in Western Canada will soon be alcohol-free. The new owner of the New Occidental Hotel (known locally as ‘The Ox’, the last of the old-time, bucket-of-blood bars) says he plans to work with an aboriginal group to offer entertainment and employment services in the building … but no more booze.
PHONER: 204.943.0635 (Richard Walls, Winnipeg MB)
• A $5,000-creation by artist Michael Hermesh depicting a naked man holding a suitcase and surrounded by 24 more suitcases is not very popular in Penticton BC. Vandals have attacked the public artwork at the entrance to the marina area and knocked over the suitcases, snapped off the statue’s ankles and even hammered off the poor guy’s er … appendage. In a masterful piece of understatement, Mayor David Perry says Penticton is not as open to nude artworks as Toronto and other larger cities.
PHONER: 250.490.2400 (Penticton City Hall)
PHONER: 604.733.2662 (Simon Patrich Gallery, Vancouver)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Sales of THIS product increase by 20% the day after the Super Bowl.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Antacids.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.