Friday, February 27, 2004        Edition: #2734
Monthly Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez mob-comedy bomb “Gigli” has a leading 9 nominations including ‘Worst Picture’ and ‘Worst Screen Couple’ for the “Razzies”, the annual spoof of the Academy Awards that mocks the year’s worst movies (other ‘Worst Picture’ nominess – “The Cat in the Hat”, “From Justin to Kelly”, “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” and “The Real Cancun”) . . . Meantime, Website ‘Mr Skin’ has announced the “2004 Anatomy Awards” – winners include Meg Ryan (“In the Cut”) for ‘Breast Picture’, Diane Keaton (“Something’s Gotta Give”) for ‘Best Over-50 Sex Scene’, Demi Moore (“Charlies Angels: Full Throttle”) for ‘Best Bikini Scene’, and Kristanna Loken (“Terminator 3″) wins ‘Best Bunnage’ . . . Pam Anderson has unveiled her new line of clothing at the Magic Fashion Convention in Las Vegas, including her new ‘cruelty-free Ugg boots’ (what are they made of – paper?) . . . Ex-TV talk show host & failed Broadway impresario Rosie O’Donnell wed longtime girlfriend Kelli Carpenter YESTERDAY in San Francisco, where more than 3,300 other same-sex couples have tied the knot since FEBRUARY 12 . . . “Us Weekly” reports Michael Jackson’s parents Joseph & Katherine have teamed up with two of Michael’s ousted managers, Dieter Wiesner & Ronald Konitzer, to work on a new tell-all book . . . 23-year-old Christina Aguilera proved she knows how to keep 25-year-old boyfriend Jordan Bratman happy at Jaguars strip club in Las Vegas recently, spending an estimated $2,000 on lap dances for him – then joining in herself . . . Expectant mom Gwyneth Paltrow & Coldplay singer spouse Chris Martin have decided to raise their child in rural Buenaventura, Spain, where they’ll build a home on a piece of land she’s been given . . . “American Idol” contestant Donnie Williams has been unceremoniously dumped by FOX-TV after being arrested MONDAY for DUI after allegedly speeding past a cop cruiser … at 100 mph.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• ”Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights” (Romance): In this pseudo-sequel to 1987′s “Dirty Dancing”, an 18-year-old American girl moves to Cuba with her parents in November 1958, just before the revolution breaks out. She falls for a local waiter who also happens to be a fantastic dancer and the mismatched pair prepare to enter a national dance competition. But soon Castro’s revolutionaries force Americans to leave the country. Gosh, will she stay or will she go? A no-name cast except for Patrick Swayze, who briefly reprises his ‘Johnny Castle’ role from the original film.
• “Twisted” (Crime Thriller): Ashley Judd stars as a police detective investigating a case in which she discovers all the murder victims are her past boyfriends. When she starts passing out before each murder, fellow cops come to wonder whether she’s somehow behind all the sinister goings-on. Samuel L Jackson & Andy Garcia co-star.
• “Club Dread” (Horror Comedy): A serial killer interrupts the fun at the swanky ‘Club Dread’, a hedonistic island paradise for swingers in Costa Rica. So it’s up to the club’s staff to stop the violence … or at least hide it. Another no-name comedy from the warped minds that brought you “Super Troopers”.

76TH ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS:
SUNDAY Billy Crystal returns as host (8th time) live (actually with a 7-second delay) on ABC-TV from Hollywood’s Kodak Theater. A few highlights …
• “The Return of the King” leads nominations with 11, “Master & Commander” follows with 10. Also nominated for ‘Best Picture’ are “Seabiscuit”, “Mystic River” and “Lost in Translation”.
• 13-year-old “ Whale Rider” star Keisha Castle-Hughes is the youngest actress ever nominated for ‘Best Actress’.
• “The Barbarian Invasions” by Montréal filmmaker Denys Arcand is up for ‘Best Foreign Film’.
• Ads on this year’s show cost $1.5 million per spot, a new record.
• What’s an awards show without some kind of political statement? Several stars (including Charlize Theron, Robin Williams & Jack Black) will arrive in environmentally-friendly hybrid gas-electric vehicles instead of stretch limos.
• Barbara Walters’ pre-Oscar special includes interviews with Billy Crystal, Diane Keaton, Matt LeBlanc, and ‘Shrek’ (voiced by Mike Myers), who reportedly gets teary when talking about his mom.
• This year’s official Oscar ‘gift basket’ is still (as of this writing) secret, but in a separate giveaway actors nominated in the lead and supporting categories are receiving a $10,000 Manolo Blahnik suede-lined bag stuffed with another 10-grand-worth of goodies like a bottle of La Grande Dame Veuve Clicquot champagne, an Hermes cashmere throw, crystal earrings and a full line of Estee Lauder products. Victoria’s Secret has already sent out a $12,000 gift basket to each ‘Best Actress’ nominee that includes a jeweled pink lace & satin bra & panty set, and a 1-carat diamond lip-gloss wand with a custom color created for each nominee.

POOR LITTLE RICH GIRL:
How does the 34-year-old heiress to a half-billion-dollar Swiss banking fortune look for a mate? With a newspaper ad! The woman, identified only as ‘Marie-Josee’, insists her new partner does NOT have to be rich; a sense of humor, reliability and respect are much more important. The ad reads as follows: “Picture-pretty heiress to a private bank seeks a suitable man to be with forever. As the sole multimillion heiress of an immense family fortune, she seeks an absolutely serious and trustworthy man aged 40 to 60.” (Sound like the set-up for a TV reality show or what?)
Source: “London Sun”

WORLDWIDE BULL ROAR:
• A drag queen has been given an honorary professorship at Germany’s University of Hamburg.
Oliver Knoebel, better known locally as drag queen ‘Olivia Jones’, will join the school’s faculty for Gender Studies to teach – ‘Queer Theory’ (aka ‘Interior Design 101′).
• A candidate for European Parliament has announced her platform – in the nude. 30-year-old Budapest TV host Anettka Feher wore nothing but jewelry as she went on Hungarian TV and told viewers they should support her because – aside from being a babe – she’s smart.
• An Austrian catering company that provides music, lighting, DJs, karaoke equipment and special effects for parties is now offering a unique new service – guests for rent. Hosts can chose from a wide range of attractive guests who are guaranteed to keep the party lively – at $30 apiece. (Wow, it’s ‘Rent-A-Friend’!)
•  A Croatian man has been blasted off his feet and nearly electrocuted by an electrified fence. Seems 57-year-old  Malcolm Jones reached down to pet his whining dog – who was peeing on the fence at the time. Miraculously, both master and pooch are fine.

THE BULL SHEET 02.27.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1932 [72] Dame Elizabeth Taylor, London UK, movie star (Oscars-“Butterfield 8″, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf”)/AIDS activist (AMFAR)/wed 8 times

1934 [70] Ralph Nader, Winsted CT, 2004 US presidential candidate (Green Party)/consumer advocate

    1971 [33] Rozonda ‘Chilli’ Thomas, Atlanta GA, pop/R&B singer (TLC-“Unpretty”, “No Scrubs”)  FACTOID: THIS WEEK she unloaded a blistering attack on sometime boyfriend Usher for cheating on her and swears the relationships is over for good.

1980 [24] Chelsea Clinton, Little Rock AR, only child of Bill & Hillary Clinton/Oxford University student (who has a ‘nice personality’)

1981 [23] Josh Groban, LA CA, pop singer/operatic baritone that women swoon over (“ You Raise Me Up”, “The Prayer”)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [56] Bernadette Peters (Lazzara), Queens NY, Broadway star (Tony Awards-“Annie Get Your Gun”, “Song & Dance”)/movie actress (“The Jerk”)

1955 [49] Gilbert Gottfried, Brooklyn NY, comedian/actor whose distinctive whiny voice has made him rich as a voice-over artist (“Doctor Dolittle”, “Aladdin”)

1961 [43] Rae Dawn Chong, Edmonton AB, TV actress (‘Sophia Mason’ on “Wild Card”, “Mysterious Ways”)/movie actress (“Commando”, “The Color Purple”)/comic actor Tommy Chong’s daughter

1969 [35] Pat Monahan, Erie PA, rock/pop singer (Train-“Call All Angels”, “Drops Of Jupiter”)

1973 [31] Eric Lindros, London ON, 6′-4″, 240-lb NHL center who’s prone to concussions (NY Rangers, 2002 Team Canada Olympic gold medal team)

1985 [19] FeFe Dobson, Toronto ON, pop singer (“Everything”, “Bye Bye Boyfriend”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Polar Bear Day”, declared by non-profit conservation group Polar Bears International to heighten awareness of the declining population of the big white guys of the north. But wait … they aren’t really white! Polar bears have clear hair shafts that appear white because they reflect light. Sometimes in captivity they turn a yucky green, the result of algae that develops in warmer climes. Zoos have to use hydrogen peroxide to cure this color calamity.
NET: http://www.polarbearsalive.org

TODAY is “Read Five Pages in the Dictionary Day”. Just think, if you do this each day for the rest of your life … you’ll be really boring.

TODAY is “No Brainer Day”, when we’re encouraged to slack off. Any activity attempted should be something done without serious thought – a ‘no brainer’ activity. (Like this show, for instance.)

SUNDAY is “Leap Year Day”, the extra day we get every 4 years to correct our wonky calendar.
It was added to February because it used to be the last month of the year. A century ago, it was common for Leap Year to be celebrated with festive balls throughout the year and the Leap Year theme was used for postcards, a card game, jewelry, even recipes.
NET: http://www.leapyearday.com
• Some refer to February 29 as “Bachelors Day” or “Sadie Hawkins Day” because in the old “L’il Abner” comic strip, it was the one day that girls could ask guys out on dates.
• People born February 29 are called “Leap Day Babies”. A new recording called “2-29″ by California band Rookie Card outlines the problems of having a Leap Day birthday (not very good, but likely the only tune written on the topic). Available here …
NET: http://stage.vitaminic.co.uk/main/rookie_card/all_tracks

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1827 [177] 1st ‘Mardi Gras’ celebration in New Orleans (1st co-ed flashes to get a cheap string of beads)

1974 [30] 1st issue of “People” magazine features Mia Farrow on the cover

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1987 [17] A team of 90 elementary school students in Kumamoto, Japan skips rope together
160 times without missing for a “Guinness World Record”

BS MONTHLY PLANNING CALENDAR . . .
[Mar 1] “American Idol Uncut, Uncensored & Untalented” special / 2003 RRSP deadline / Green Monday / International Day of the Seal / National Pig Day / Share a Smile Day / Peanut Butter Lovers Day / St David’s Day
[Mar 2] “Seussentennial” (100th anniversary of Dr Seuss’ birth)  / Salespersons Day / Britney Spears tour kicks off (San Diego CA)
[Mar 3-7] 10th US Comedy Arts Festival (Aspen CO)
[Mar 3] I Want You To Be Happy Day
[Mar 4] International Scrapbooking Day
[Mar 5] Multiple Personalities Day / Unique Names Day / “Starsky & Hutch” opens in movie theaters
[Mar 6] Frozen Food Day / Stop BS (Bad Service) Day
[Mar 7] “The Sopranos” 5th season premiere
[Mar 8] Commonwealth Day / Aunts Day / International (Working) Women’s Day / Plant a Flower Day
[Mar 9] Panic Day / Barbie’s Birthday / Employee Appreciation Day
[Mar 10] Salvation Army Day / Mario Day / Osama Bin Laden’s birthday
[Mar 11] 35th NAACP Image Awards / Worship of Tools Day
[Mar 12] “Agent Cody Banks 2″ & “The Girl Next Door” open in movie theaters / Middle Name Pride Day
[Mar 13] Ear Muff Day / Good Samaritan Day / Open an Umbrella Indoors Day / Genealogy Day
[Mar 14] Potato Chip Day / Save a Spider Day
[Mar 15] Annual Office Coffee Cup Washing / 19th Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction (NYC) / Ides of March / Buzzard’s Day / Absolutely Incredible Kid Day / True Confessions Day
[Mar 16] Everything You Do Is Right Day / Freedom of Information Day / Lips Appreciation Day
[Mar 17] Submarine Day / St Patrick’s Day / World Maritime Day
[Mar 18] National Quilting Day / Forgive Mom & Dad Day
[Mar 19] “Jersey Girl” opens in movie theaters
[Mar 20] Teenagers Day / Quilting Day / National Agriculture Day / Spring begins / Maple Syrup Saturday / Proposal Day
[Mar 21] Snowman Burning Day / Teacher Appreciation Day / International Astrology Day / Single Parents Day / Children’s Poetry Day / World Day for Elimination of Racial Discrimination
[Mar 22] International Goof Off Day / As Young As You Feel Day
[Mar 23] Organize Your Home Office Day / World Meteorological Day / Federal Budget comes down
[Mar 25] National Family Day / Sing Out Day
[Mar 26] Make Up Your Own Holiday Day / Legal Assistants Day / “Scooby-Doo 2″ opens in movie theaters
[Mar 27] National Joe Day / Photography Day / Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day
[Mar 28] Summer Time begins in Europe / Something On a Stick Day / No Homework Day
[Mar 29] Mom & Pop Business Owners Day / Vietnam Veterans Day / Stuttering John debuts as announcer on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno”
[Mar 30] I Am In Control Day / Hot Dog Day / Take a Walk in the Park Day / Doctor’s Day
[Mar 31] Bunsen Burner Day / Tater Day
[Apr 1] April Fools Day
[Apr 3] 17th Kids’ Choice Awards
[Apr 4] Juno Awards

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS FOLK CURES:

Ask for old home remedies that listeners have heard of or tried. A few primers …
• Passing a child 3 times under the belly of a donkey cures whooping cough. Or you can put a hairy caterpillar in a bag and tie it around the kid’s neck.  
• Carrying a child through a flock of sheep is recommended for respiratory problems.
• A cork under the pillow at night relieves cramps.
• Urinating in an open grave cures incontinence.  
• Touch a corpse’s hand for help with a sore throat.  
• Stick an elder twig in your ear and wear it night and day to cure deafness.  
• Rubbing the grease off church bells into your body is good for shingles.  
• Throwing a dung beetle over your shoulder will rid you of a stomach ache.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• We take the chain-of-command very seriously around here and I’ve got the leg-irons to prove it.
• I was reading a book on the history of glue. I couldn’t put it down.
• After I was born my father spent 3 weeks trying to find a loophole in the birth certificate.
• The trouble with a home office is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 49% of husbands and 25% of wives do not know THIS about their spouse.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their shoe size.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.


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