Monday, February 02, 2004        Edition: #2715
If the Bull Sees His Shadow – It’s 6 More Weeks of Sheet!

TACKY TABLOID BS:
• “Daily Star“ says Britney Spears & Ben Affleck are rumored to have had a fling while she was still dating Justin Timberlake but before he hooked up with J-Lo. The tab says now that Ben is finished with Jen, he may be interested in getting ‘In the Zone’ again. Meantime, J-Lo tells “Star” magazine the relationship ended over a dinner on January 19th that she’s nicknamed ‘The Last Supper’. Oh and to show she’s serious about ending things, she’s returned her $325,000 Rolls-Royce Phantom to the dealership it came from – as a birthday gift from Ben. (The back seats were only used once.)
• What is a lucky break, Alex? “NY Daily News” reports that 63-year-old “Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek fell asleep at the wheel while driving home from work FRIDAY. Even though his pick-up truck sideswiped a string of mailboxes, then sailed 40 feet over an embankment into a ditch, Trebek managed to escape injury. (Thereby avoiding ‘Final Jeopardy’.)
• “Daily Dish” reveals the interesting anecdote that Christina Aguliera is so claustrophobic she reportedly demands that doors be removed from her backstage dressing rooms. They’re said to be routinely replaced with curtains. (She has no need for privacy anyway – she’s already shown us everything there is to see.)
• According to “News of the World”, actress Keira Knightley (“Love Actually”, “Pirates of the Caribbean”) is dating Oscar-winner Adrien Brody (“The Pianist”). They’re currently on location in Scotland shooting the upcoming movie “The Jacket” in which they play lovers. Buzz has it life is imitating art.
• And “National Enquirer” reports that Donald Trump is coming out with his latest book “How To Get Rich” in APRIL, the launch timed to coincide with the season finale of his NBC reality TV series “The Apprentice”. (OK, we’ll read his if he’ll read “How to Improve Your Impossibly Goofy Hairstyle”.)

“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Do-It-Yourself Stomach Stapling Kits!”
• “Pamela Anderson’s Breasts to Become National Landmark!”
• “Dentists Refusing to Fix Vampires’ Teeth!”
• “Tiny Terrorists Disguised as Garden Gnomes!”
• “Titanic Survivors Alive – Frozen in Iceberg!”
• “Latest Craze: Limb Amputation!”

NOW THEY GLOW IN THE DARK:
If laser removal seems a tad intimidating, there’s another way to get rid of tats. The ‘Tattoo Removal Infrared Coagulator’ uses infrared light to dissolve the ink. The system was originally developed to remove – hemorrhoids. (Which can also be a pain in the ass to get rid of.)
Source: “GQ” magazine.

LATE-NIGHT LECTURES:
Cincinnati State Technical & Community College has scheduled its first late-night class, running from 10:30pm to 1:50am Mondays and Wednesdays. Why? A computer-graphics instructor complained that members of his 8am 3-D animation class kept nodding off. (And geeks can’t get dates anyhow.)
Source: “Chronicle of Higher Education”

OH WHERE, OH WHERE HAS MY LITTLE DONG GONE?
Since 3 new Vietnamese coins went into circulation in DECEMBER, there’s been a problem of children swallowing them – thinking they’re candy.  At least 17 cases have been reported in the past couple weeks, likely because money is a traditional good luck gift for kids during the Lunar New Year Festival. And that’s not the country’s only currency problem – Vietnamese are also said to be leery of using new 50,000-dong and 500,000-dong banknotes because the plastic-based bills have no year of issue printed on them and rumors are flying they’ll be recalled. (Clearly a case of people being more comfortable with the old dong they’re used to.)
Source: Reuters Oddly Enough

DOES THIS BOOK MAKE MY ASS LOOK BIG?
“Full Frontal Fashion” host Jacqui Malouf (perhaps best known as Bobby Flay’s perky sidekick on Food Network’s “Hot Off the Grill“) has a new cookbook called “Booty Food”. She says its recipes were created to help you find and nurture more meaningful relationships. Her tip for creating or ordering sexy food – “Think of words you’d use to describe your romantic life: hot, luscious, fiery, succulent, sinful, adventurous, steamy, gooey. You should be able to use them to describe the foods you’re eating together.” Perhaps that’s the thinking behind the chapter called “Cheese: Nature’s Viagra”, and her recipe for ‘Post-Coital Lobster Eggs Benedict’. (Food that resembles your romantic life? How about milquetoast?)
Source: “January Magazine“

MICKY MOUSE TOWN:
Ever been to Celebration, Florida? It’s the perfect little town near Disney World created from scratch by the Walt Disney Co as a planning experiment in ‘new urbanism’. The community is so idyllic, it resembles a movie set. Everything from the post office to the local Bijou theater is precisely placed for utility and appearance, and so squeaky clean there’s not a scratch. The new owner, NY-based Lexin Capital, has promised residents it will maintain the town’s fake facade – that includes trucking in colored leaves to spread around each autumn and spraying fake snow from light standards each holiday season.
Source: “The Independent”

PIGSKIN, PAPER & PAIRING POLLS:
• A Harris Poll reveals that 25 million American women now watch NFL football on a weekly basis. 42% of women surveyed claim they now ‘follow’ the NFL, up from 32% a decade ago. (So … was your Super Bowl party co-ed?)
• A consumer survey shows that, on average, we use 8.6 sheets of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom, a total of 57 sheets per day according to industry statistics. (Another TP fact – half of you put the roll on upside down!)
• 52% of the 1,000 people polled in a dating survey say they’ve been on a blind date at least once, while 46% say they haven’t. It seems a confused 2% just aren’t sure. ([Co-host] was once blindfolded and robbed by a hooker. Does that count?)

UNROMANTIC MOVIE COUPLES:
What movie duo made a bad love match? According to a new poll, here are some bigscreen couples that were totally mismatched …
• Woody Harrelson & Juliette Lewis – “Natural Born Killers”
• Michael Douglas & Kathleen Turner – “The War of the Roses”
• Dennis Hopper & Isabella Rossellini – “Blue Velvet”
• James Spader & Holly Hunter – “Crash”
• Brad Pitt & Helena Bonham-Carter – “Fight Club”
• Ralph Fiennes & Emily Watson – “Red Dragon”
(Who else should be on the list? Ben Stiller & Jennifer Aniston? Ashton Kutcher & Amy Smart? ‘Frodo’ & ‘Sam’?)
Source: “Total Film” magazine.

BS AMAZING FACT:
There are an estimated 288 ‘cowboy churches’ in the USA. A school for ‘cowboy ministers’ is scheduled to open THIS YEAR in Midland TX.

THE BULL SHEET 02.02.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [62] Graham Nash, Blackpool UK, oldies singer (Crosby, Stills & Nash-“Suite: Judy Blue Eyes”, Hollies-“Bus Stop”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1997)

1947 [57] Farrah Fawcett, Corpus Christi TX, movie actress (“Hollywood Wives: The New Generation“)/former TV actress (‘Jill Munroe’ on the original “Charlie’s Angels” 1976-1980)

    1954 [50] Christie Brinkley, Monroe MI, former supermodel (1st to appear on 3 consecutive “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit issue covers 1979-81)/movie actress (“Vegas Vacation”)

    1971 [33] Ben Mize, San Francisco CA, alt-rock drummer (Counting Crows-“Big Yellow Taxi”, “Mr Jones”)

1975 [29] Todd Bertuzzi, Sudbury ON, NHL forward (Vancouver Canucks)

1977 [27] Shakira (Mebarak Ripoll), Barranquilla COL, pop singer (“Underneath Your Clothes”, “Whenever, Wherever”)/engaged to Antonio de la Rua, son of the President of Argentina  FACTOID: Shakira is Arabic for ‘full of grace’.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY Catholic and Orthodox churches celebrate “Candlemas Day”. In Mexico, it’s known as “Dia de la Candelaria”, a big day for bullfights and festivals.

TODAY is “Groundhog Day”, a celebration based on an old Scottish rhyme that says: “If Candlemas Day is bright and clear, there’ll be two winters in the year.” The Teutons (Germans) decided that if the sun was out on Candlemas Day, an animal would cast a shadow, predicting 6 more weeks of bad weather (the ‘second winter’). The animal used then was either a badger or hedgehog. But when German settlers took the tradition with them to Pennsylvania, they used the groundhog (a type of woodchuck), which was abundant in the area. The woodchuck (as in ”How much wood can a …”), is a member of the squirrel family.
•  ‘Punxsutawney Phil’ is the original forecaster and most famous hog. Despite what organizers would have you believe, since 1887 this ‘Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators, and Weather Prophet Extraordinary’ has seen his shadow about 90% of the time and only made correct predictions 39% of the time. But organizers don’t really care – this whole deal isn’t about accuracy, it’s about tourism!
• Gambling odds on the hog seeing his shadow are 2-to-9 (win $2 for every $9 bet). Odds that he won’t are 13-4.
• The groundhog is pulled out of its electrically-heated burrow at 7:25am ET, looks for his shadow and utters his prediction to a Groundhog Club representative in ‘groundhogese’. The representative then translates the prediction for the general public.
PHONERS: 814.938.2555 (Punxsutawney Historical Society)/814.938.7700 (Chamber of Commerce)
NET: http://www.groundhog.org
• As you may remember, a few years back Canada’s prognosticator ‘Wiarton Willie’ kicked the bucket just before his big day. He’s been replaced by a new groundhog, who has a backup hog just in case history repeats itself. After all, having a  hog in hand generates big bucks for the town!
PHONERS: 519.534.1400/519.534.5492
NET: http://www.wiarton-willie.org
BS REASONS TO CELEBRATE GROUNDHOG DAY:
• Forecast is no less reliable than Environment Canada.
• Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service.
• Valentine’s Day is too depressing for nerds.
• It’s fun to say ‘Punxsutawney’.
• It’s also fun to say ‘Wee Willie’ without being derogatory.
• It’s also fun to say ‘Gobbler’s Knob’ without getting fired.
• If we have enough fun with it on-the-air, we might have 6 more weeks of employment.

TODAY Prime Minister Paul Martin will unveil his plan for the country in a throne speech which he says will lay out an ‘ambitious new agenda’. (That doesn’t include Sheila.)

TODAY is also the 9th annual “Job Shadow Day” in America, as an expected 1 million students shadow workplace mentors on-the-job. (Similar to “Take Our Daughters to Work Day”)
NET: http://www.jobshadow.org

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1876 [128] Baseball’s ‘National League’ is founded (Boston, Chicago, Cincinnati, NYC, Philadelphia, St Louis, Louisville and Hartford)

1931 [73] 1st use of a rocket to deliver mail, in Austria (you can tell the mail’s arrived by the hole in the living room ceiling)

    1935 [69] 1st test of polygraph or ‘lie detector’ (Leonard Keeler-Portage WI)

    1964 [40] 1st ‘GI Joe’ (called ‘action figures’ because it’s feared there’s no market for guys and ‘dolls’)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1977 [27]  NHL record ‘most goals in a game by a defencemen’ (Toronto’s Ian Turnbull scores 5 as Leafs beat Detroit Red Wings 9-1)

    1997 [07] In re-release, “Star Wars” passes “Jurassic Park” to become #2 all-time grossing movie with $461 million

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day
[Tues] Men’s Grooming Day (you can clean ‘em up, but you can’ take ‘em anywhere)
[Thurs] Weatherman’s Day (an event for which there’s an 89% probability of apathy)
[Thurs] Dump Your Significant Jerk Day (guess that means [your co-host] is leaving the show)
[Fri] Girls & Women in Sports Day
This Week Is . . . Love May Make the World Go ‘Round, But Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week
This Month Is . . . National Weddings Month (when all those June weddings get planned – by mothers-in-law)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS GROUNDHOG DAY HAIKU:

It is winter
The groundhog sees a shadow
It is the front tire of my truck
There will be 6 more weeks of winter
But not for the groundhog.

BS GROUNDHOG DAY CAROL:
Away in a meadow all covered with snow,
The little old groundhog looks for his sha-dow.
The clouds in the sky determine our fate,
If winter will leave us all early or late.

LIVING LATIN:
Each week a committee meets in Rome, Italy to update Latin, the ancient language of the Romans that’s now considered ‘dead’. Some of their recent additions …
• Universalis Destructionis Armamenta (Weapons of Mass Destruction)
• Sonorarum Visualiumque Taeniarum Cistellula (Videotape Cassette)
• Vesticula Balnearis Bikiniana (Bikini)
• Pastillum Botello Fartum (Hot Dog)
Source: “The Economist”

BS TRIVIA:
Q: Do wild groundhogs come out to see their shadow this time of year?
A: Nope. Groundhogs, or ‘woodchucks’, are among the largest of Canada’s true hibernators. They never see their shadow on February 2nd because they’re still sleeping soundly.
Source: “Harrowsmith Country Life”

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• A beauty queen in Thailand had to give up the crown because it turns out she is a man. Judges became suspicious when her talent was peeing standing up.
• What’s the difference between a tongue depressor and a shoe horn? The flavor.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average executive spends 2 months each year doing THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Attending unnecessary meetings.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

“BS” welcomes samplers this week that include Al Lockwood @ WCED DuBois PA, Micky Kahler @ KSOO Sioux Falls SD, Rob Mitchell @ CKDV Prince George BC, and Niall Power
@ BEAT 102-103 in Waterford, Ireland.

 


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