Friday, February 28, 2003        Edition: #2487
This is Where MARCH Comes In Like a Bull!
Monthly Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the long wait is over – the “Baywatch” reunion movie, “Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding” airs on FOX-TV (and we quote obviously misguided producer/star David Hasselhoff: “Beyond its entertainment value, Baywatch has enriched and in many cases helped save lives. I’m looking forward to continuing a project which has such a significance for so many.” Snort!) . . . TOMORROW “Gangs of New York” director Martin Scorsese will receive a ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’ at the 55th “Directors Guild of America [DGA] Awards” . . . TOMORROW at the “2003 Soul Train Music Awards”, Ashanti and Amerie lead the nominations with 3 apiece . . . Jennifer Lopez has confirmed that she’ll take Ben Affleck’s surname when they get married later this year (Jennifer Affleck – sounds like a speech impediment, and how do you say J-Af?) . . . Figure this one out – FOX-TV is planning a 2nd season of “Joe Millionaire” (psst – in case you hadn’t heard, he ain’t really rich girls!) . . . According to “Parade” magazine, Elvis Presley made $37 million LAST YEAR – more than Ozzy Osbourne . . . Britney Spears is returning to work on a new album after a break from show biz and is now vowing to shed her party-girl image . . . Paul McCartney will play a concert on the roof of what was once Apple Records in London on an early April afternoon, recreating The Beatles’ final gig in 1969 (back then it was a spontaneous gesture, now it’s a planned stunt to hype his European tour beginning APRIL 5).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Jet Li and rapper-actor DMX star in the crime thriller “Cradle 2 the Grave” as a Taiwanese intelligence officer and a gang leader trying to solve a kidnapping case (basically, this is “Romeo Must Die 2″) . . . Ralph Fiennes & Miranda Richardson star in the limited-release drama “Spider”, the story of a man in his 30s attempting to rebuild his life after spending time in a mental hospital.

FOR THE RECORD:
TOMORROW the makers of Mr & Mrs T’s Bloody Mary Mix are planning to make the ‘World’s Largest Bloody Mary’ in New Orleans to kick off Mardi Gras. The record-breaking cocktail is expected to be 15-feet-tall, 12-feet-wide, and hold 2,400 gallons of mix and 600 gallons of vodka. They’re trying to find the world’s largest celery stalk to stick in it. (Afterward, partiers will suffer the world’s biggest hangover.)

LAND OF THE RISING BLONDES:
”London Observer” reports that young, urban Japanese men and women have recently begun going blond in large numbers. In fact, it’s said the sea of blond heads you now see in Tokyo can give you the impression that you’re actually in Stockholm, Sweden.

LIFESAVERS:
Australia’s Griffith University is offering a new 2-year masters course in ‘Suicidology’, the study of suicide and prevention methods. It’s thought to be the first course of its type in the world and it’s about time – World Health Organization stats show that worldwide, someone dies of suicide every 40 seconds. That’s more often than from homicide (every 60 seconds) or from war (every 100 seconds).

TIME TO FUMIGATE:
“Goodnight, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite” may again be a valid bedtime wish. The journal “New Scientist” reports that bedbugs are making a comeback worldwide after being virtually wiped out in the 1960s. But they don’t just hide out in mattresses – they can also live in phones, electrical appliances and used furniture. Sometimes when you bring home something second-hand, you’re also bringing home the critters inside. University of Cambridge entomologist Ian Burgess says to beware of used items with telltale specks near crevices and a sweet odor. (Did you just get itchy all over too?)

IT’S A WACKED WORLD:
• For his 68th birthday, the family of a Belgian pensioner arranged for him to attend – his own funeral. He had apparently always been curious about what his funeral would be like, so his 6 children invited 250 guests and held a wake.
• A Chicago woman who died LAST YEAR has become the first person to be turned into – a diamond. Lucky family members have received 6 diamond rings totally 4.5 carats made by a company called LifeGem from her cremated carbon. Total cost for the family to wear ‘Auntie Valerie’ on a finger – about 10 grand.
• In an attempt to prove his loyalty to his estranged wife, a Filipino man has – cut off his penis. He then wrapped it in newspaper and tossed it through a window at her parent’s house. The local police now have custody of the 3-inch penis, preserved in a bottle.

THE BULL SHEET 02.28.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1932 [71] Don Francks, Vancouver BC, TV actor (Walter-“La Femme Nikita”)/movie actor (“Finian’s Rainbow”)/father of actress Cree Summer

1923 [80] Charles Durning, Highland Falls NY, movie actor (“O Brother, Where Art Thou?”, “The Sting”)/Broadway star (Tony Award-“Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”, “That Championship Season”)

1948 [55] Bernadette Peters (Lazzara), Queens NY, Broadway star (Tony Awards-“Annie Get Your Gun”, “Song & Dance”)/movie actress (“The Jerk”)

1955 [48] Gilbert Gottfried, Brooklyn NY, comedian whose distinctive whiny voice has made him rich as a voice-over artist (“Doctor Dolittle”, “Aladdin”)

1957 [46] John Turturro, Brooklyn NY, movie actor (“Mr Deeds“, “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”)

1961 [42] Rae Dawn Chong, Vancouver BC, TV actress (Dr Peggy Fowler-“Mysterious Ways”)/movie actress (“Commando”, “The Color Purple”)/Tommy Chong’s daughter  UP NEXT: Developing a new comedy film for ‘Cheech & Chong’.

1969 [34] Pat Monahan, Erie PA, rock/pop singer (Train-“Drops Of Jupiter”)

1973 [30] Eric Lindros, London ON, 6′-4″, 240-lb NHL center who’s prone to concussions (NY Rangers, 2002 Team Canada Olympic gold medal team)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [59] Roger Daltrey, London ENG, classic rock singer (The Who-“Who Are You” [theme from “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation”], “Won’t Get Fooled Again” [theme from “CSI: Miami”]) who’s currently working on producing a movie about the hell-raising life of late Who drummer Keith Moon

1954 [49] Ron Howard, Duncan OK, film producer/director (2002 ‘Best Director’ & ‘Best Picture’ Oscar-“A Beautiful Mind”, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas“, “Apollo 13″)/former TV actor (Opie-“Andy Griffith Show”, Ritchie-“Happy Days”)  UP NEXT: He’s producing “The Alamo” starring Jason Patric & Billy Bob Thornton and due DECEMBER 12, and will direct Tommy Lee Jones & Cate Blanchett in the Western “The Missing”, coming in 2004.

1974 [29] Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Panorama City CA, TV actor (Det John Clark Jr-”NYPD Blue”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY –
• “International Floral Design Day”
• “Public Sleeping Day”

TOMORROW –
• “Peanut Butter Lover’s Day”
• “Share a Smile Day”
• “National Pig Day”, honoring the ‘most intelligent and useful of domesticated animals’. Studies show pigs are much smarter than horses. (But harder to ride.)
• “St David’s Day” in Wales. The Welsh celebrate their patron saint by taking a leek, and then wearing it.
• “Chalanda Marz” in Switzerland, when they drive away winter by ringing bells and cracking whips.
• The pre-Lenten “Mardi Gras” and “Carnival” bashes get underway in earnest around-the-world, including New Orleans, Rio de Janeiro, Nice, Munich, etc. One of Brazil’s most popular, in the city of Olinda, will be a bit tamer this year. Officials have banned a tradition in which groups of males formed corridors along the cobblestone streets and smothered women passing by with kisses – usually against their will. The custom of ‘forced kisses’ had outraged local feminists. (Gee, wonder why?)
• The official start of the 31st annual 1,049-mile “Iditarod Dog Sled Race” from Anchorage to Nome, Alaska, considered by many the last ‘Great Race’ on Earth. The record holder for the event is one Doug Swingley, who managed to complete the course in a staggering 9 days, 3 hours.
PHONER: 800-566-7533 (SLED)/907-465-2010
NET: http://www.iditarod.com

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1977 [26] Federal government announces creation of new, publicly-owned passenger railway to be called ‘Via Rail’ (then starts tearing up rail lines all across the country)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1854 [149] ‘Republican Party’ founded in Ripon WI (the ‘Bush league’)

1940 [63] 1st ‘televised basketball game’ (Fordham vs Pittsburgh at NYC’s MSG)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1983 [20] Estimated 125 million watch 2.5-hour final episode of “M*A*S*H”, the most viewers ever for a single episode of a TV series (will likely never be topped due to the proliferation of hundreds of cable and satellite TV channels)

1984 [19] Michael Jackson wins a record 8 Grammy Awards, for “Thriller” (tied in 2000 by Santana, for “Smooth”)

BS MONTHLY PLANNING CALENDAR . . .
[Mar 1] 55th Directors Guild of America [DGA] Awards / Soul Train Music Awards / International Day of the Seal / National Pig Day / Share a Smile Day / Peanut Butter Lovers Day / St David’s Day
[Mar 2] Dr Seuss’ Birthday / Salespersons Day
[Mar 3] 2002 RRSP deadline / Green Monday / I Want You To Be Happy Day
[Mar 4] Pancake Day / Mardi Gras
[Mar 5] Mother-in-Law Day / Ash Wednesday / Multiple Personalities Day / Unique Names Day
[Mar 6] Frozen Food Day / Stop Bad Service Day
[Mar 8] Aunts Day / International (Working) Women’s Day / Plant a Flower Day / Middle Name Pride Day
[Mar 9] 9th Screen Actors Guild [SAG] Awards / Panic Day / Barbie’s Birthday / Employee Appreciation Day
[Mar 10] 18th Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction / Commonwealth Day / Salvation Army Day / Mario Day / Osama Bin Laden’s birthday
[Mar 11] Worship of Tools Day
[Mar 13] Ear Muff Day / Good Samaritan Day / Open an Umbrella Indoors Day
[Mar 14] Potato Chip Day / Save a Spider Day
[Mar 15] Ides of March / Buzzard’s Day / Absolutely Incredible Kid Day
[Mar 16] Everything You Do Is Right Day / Freedom of Information Day
[Mar 17] Submarine Day / St Patrick’s Day / Annual Coffee Cup Washing / World Maritime Day
[Mar 18] National Quilting Day / Forgive Mom & Dad Day
[Mar 19] Purim begins (Jewish)
[Mar 20] Teenagers Day / National Agriculture Day
[Mar 21] 1st Day of Spring / Snowman Burning Day / Teacher Appreciation Day / International Astrology Day / Single Parents Day / Children’s Poetry Day / World Day for Elimination of Racial Discrimination
[Mar 22] 23rd Razzie Awards / International Goof Off Day / National Sing Out Day / As Young As You Feel Day
[Mar 23] 75th Academy Awards / World Meteorological Day
[Mar 25] National Family Day / National Kite Month (Mar 25-Apr 30) / Organize Your Home Office Day
[Mar 26] Make Up Your Own Holiday Day / Legal Assistants Day
[Mar 27] National Joe Day / Photography Day
[Mar 28] Something On a Stick Day / No Homework Day
[Mar 29] Mom & Pop Business Owners Day / Vietnam Veterans Day
[Mar 30] I Am In Control Day / Hot Dog Day / Take a Walk in the Park Day / Doctor’s Day
[Mar 31] Bunsen Burner Day / Tater Day
[Apr 1] April Fools Day
[Apr 6] 2003 Juno Awards (Ottawa)
[Apr 20] Easter

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HIGH/LOW:

Ask a phone contestant to decide if the following number statements are too high or too low –
• During a lacrosse game, there are 6 players per side. [LOW. A men's lacrosse team is normally made up of 10 – 3 defencemen, 3 midfielders, 3 attackers, and a goalkeeper.]
• Haley’s Comet was last seen in 1986 and is not expected to appear again until 2155. [HIGH. Look for it in 2061 – if you or your clone is still around.]
• There are 11 punctuation marks in English grammar. [LOW. There are 14 and, just so you don’t argue, they are – period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.]
• Approximately 6 bologna sandwiches are eaten every second. [LOW. According to meatpacker Oscar Mayer, about 69 bologna sandwiches are eaten every second – and that’s just their brand!].
• The gestation period for an elephant is double that of humans – about 18 months. [LOW. It’s actually 20-22 months. And the coot widdle baby weighs in at about 200 lbs.]
• It takes 33 muscles when you light up your face with a great big smile. [HIGH. It takes 17 – a few more if your jaw locks.]

BS BLATANT JOKE:
When I was in school our teacher told us to write an essay on anything we wanted. I wrote mine on the side of a train. Unfortunately it was a little difficult to hand in.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 36% of guys say they do this 4 times a week. What?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wear cologne.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

 


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