Thursday, February 27, 2003        Edition: #2486
Don’t Be Scared Sheetless!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
LAST NIGHT Barbara Walters’ jailhouse interview with actor Robert Blake aired on “20/20″ and he revealed that he’s extremely angry with comedians who’ve been making fun of him – especially Jay Leno (oh oh, don’t go for dinner in any Italian restaurants, Jay!) . . . Ashley Judd is hitting the boards – making her Broadway debut THIS FALL in a revival of “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” . . . Paul McCartney & wife Heather Mills are said to be planning a romantic fishing trip on Iceland’s best salmon fishing river (wait a sec – isn’t he supposed to be a vegetarian?) . . . Here’s a new show biz term – ‘trout pout’ – what women are said to have after too many collagen injections in the lips . . . There goes the neighborhood – word up that Michael Jackson has been quietly shown several properties in the ritzy Palm Beach FL area (fortunately there are few children living there, or anyone under 80 for that matter) . . . FOX-TV has high hopes for a new reality show called “Mr Personality” in which a woman will eliminate men from a group of suitors who have their faces disguised by masks – she won’t see the winner’s mug until she makes her final choice at the end of the 7-episode series (like a college ‘bag party’) . . . And rumors are flying that best pals Ben Affleck & Matt Damon, friends since childhood, have had a falling out as both have been spotted sporting bruises but refuse to explain where they got them (has a big-butted wedge come between them?).

FUTURE FLICKS:
‘Best Actor’ Oscar shoo-in Daniel Day-Lewis will next star in a family drama “Rose And The Snake” set on an island off British Columbia and co-written & directed by his wife Rebecca Miller (didn’t he say he was going back into retirement?) . . . Sarah Michelle Gellar has all her ducks in a row – first shooting the “Scooby-Doo” sequel THIS SUMMER (cleverly named “Scooby Too”), then playing the object of her best friend’s affections in a romantic comedy cleverly titled – “Romantic Comedy” . . . Jack Nicholson & Al Pacino will join Matt Damon & Greg Kinnear in the upcoming comedy about conjoined twins (formerly known as ‘Siamese twins’) called “Stuck On You” . . . “Legally Blonde” actress Reese Witherspoon will play singer ‘Lorelei Lee’ in a remake of the 1953 musical “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”, which first shot Marilyn Monroe to worldwide fame (does Reese have the lungs for it?) . . . Rumor has it Nicole Kidman may play Ava Gardner in the upcoming biopic of Howard Hughes, which will star Leonardo DiCaprio (of course, rumor has it Nicole Kidman will appear in every new flick being made) . . . For instance, Brad Pitt will reportedly star opposite Nicole Kidman, playing an unhappily-married couple in “Mr & Mrs Smith” . . . Quentin Tarantino’s new movie “Kill Bill”, starring Uma Thurman, David Carradine, Daryl Hannah & Lucy Liu, is SO LONG he now plans to turn it into 2 separate films that will be released within 5 weeks of each other (a cliffhanger at the end of the 1st will entice you back for the 2nd – clever huh?).

STICKY SITUATION:
There’s a high-priority project in China underway that’s code-named the ‘863 Program’. The Ministry of Science & Technology is offering big bucks for the development of a ‘gum-removal lotion’ that can effectively dissolve discarded wads of chewing gum. It’s no small deal in China, where some 2 billion pieces of gum are chewed annually. In fact, during China’s National Day holiday last year alone, 600,000 wads of gum were left in Tiananmen Square. (Wow, who had the job of counting?)

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• Asked in a recent survey what causes the greatest amount of stress at work, 54% say the demands of their job, while 20% say it’s their co-workers. (Leaving 26% who suffer stress getting out of bed.)
• A Braun poll asks who you’d pick to give you medical care if given the choice. George Clooney topped the list for women, Halle Berry for men. (Even though neither knows squat about medical problems and would probably kill you.)
• A new poll of homemakers finds that nearly half of them have romantic daydreams while doing housework. (Lust while you dust.)
• According to a poll by the Weather Channel, 34% of us get the hots when it’s sunny, while 21% feel frisky when it’s rainy. (And for the last month, about 75% have cuddled up just to survive.)

SADDAM HAS NO BALLS, CRYSTAL THAT IS:
“London Times” reports that Saddam Hussein has made fortune telling illegal. In Iraq, it’s now a crime to predict the future, even if you get it right. (Hell, ESPECIALLY if you get it right.)

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE MAN:
A German man started banging a vending machine with his hand when it failed to give him cigarettes. The machine fell off the wall and landed on top of him – followed by a large section of the wall. He was taken to hospital with cuts and bruises. (See? Smoking IS bad for you!)

IF YOU’RE DEAD, YOU FAIL:
When he tried to renew his driver’s license, Juan Olivares of Santiago, Chile found out he had been dead for 17 years! According to official records, he had been killed in a 1986 car accident in Mexico. The mistake has now been corrected. (Too bad, think of the income tax you could have missed!)

TOO DUMB FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Duh! An Air Canada employee has been accused of trying to sell an airline flight operations manual on eBay. (When it comes to security, it’s not other passengers you should worry about – it’s the employees!)
• A California couple shot and wounded each other after the husband was late for a meeting – at a church. Both have been charged with attempted murder. (Was it a marriage counselling session?)
• Defendant Carl Wiley interrupted the judge and his own lawyer so often during his aggravated assault trial in Lubbock TX this week that the judge ordered his mouth taped shut – with duct tape. (Duct tape – it’s more than just a homeland security device!)

ANOTHER REASON TO CALL YOUR DAUGHTER:
LA adult film company Shane’s World Studios has come up with a cheap way to make porn movies – stage them at college campuses! The company looks for schools with a ‘party’ rep, then hosts off-campus sex parties that are promoted through college radio interviews. The parties are filmed and turned into porn videos. A company spokeswoman says they don’t have to ask for university permission because they only use legal-age students.

PASSING A STONE:
If you think swallowing condoms full of drugs sounds uncomfortable, try condoms full of gems! Sri Lankan customs officials say they’ve arrested 2 Thai men attempting to smuggle precious stones they placed inside condoms and then swallowed. Hospital X-rays revealed 10 condoms full of gems worth about $6,000. (The men are now being treated for gemorrhoids.)

GOOFY NEW GADGETS:
• Australian researchers at Wollongong University say they’re building a better bra! They’ve just unveiled a new ‘smart bra’ which automatically tightens its straps whenever the wearer needs extra support. (Careful mates, you could lose a finger!)
• A UK car wash manufacturer has developed the 1st horse wash. The ‘Equi-wash’ features an adjustable spray and dispensers for shampoo and conditioner. THI Company hopes it will be popular with racing stables. (It’ll never work – you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him rinse.)

THE BULL SHEET 02.27.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1930 [73] Joanne Woodward, Thomasville GA, movie actress (Oscar-“Three Faces of Eve”)/Mrs Paul Newman since 1958

1932 [71] Dame Elizabeth Taylor, London ENG, film actress (Oscars-“Butterfield 8″, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf”)/AIDS activist (AMFAR)/wed 8 times

1934 [69] Ralph Nader, Winsted CT, 2000 US presidential candidate (Green Party)/consumer advocate

1966 [37] Donal Logue, Ottawa ON, TV actor (Sean Finnerty-“Grounded For Life”)

    1971 [32] Rozonda ‘Chilli’ Thomas, Atlanta GA, pop/R&B singer (TLC-“Unpretty”, “No Scrubs”)

1980 [23] Chelsea Clinton, Little Rock AR, only child of Bill & Hillary Clinton/Oxford University student (who has a ‘nice personality’)

1981 [22] Josh Groban, LA CA, operatic baritone that women swoon over (“The Prayer”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY-Sunday the annual “Yukon Sourdough Rendezvous” in Whitehorse features contests in flour packing, beard growing & can-can dancing, plus the annual ‘Mad Trapper Competition’.
PHONER: 867-667-2148
NET: http://www.yukonrendezvous.com/

TODAY is the 9th annual “Spay Day USA” when each of us is encouraged to have at least one cat or dog spayed or neutered to help resolve the problem of pet overpopulation (do NOT attempt this in your home). Almost a half-million animals have been ‘altered’ on this day since the Doris Day Animal Foundation began the campaign in 1995.
PHONER: 888-PETS 911
NET: http://www.ddaf.org/SpayDay

TODAY is “International Polar Bear Day”, to heighten awareness of the declining population of the big white guys. (Where can you find the greatest concentration of polar bears? At the ‘toonie’ mint!)

TODAY is “Read Five Pages in the Dictionary Day”. (Just think, if you do this each day for the rest of your life – you’ll be really boring!)

TODAY is “Glory in Simple Artistic Achievements Day”. (Something to do with posting your kid’s ‘fridge art’?)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1827 [176] 1st ‘Mardi Gras’ celebration in New Orleans (1st co-ed flashes to get a cheap string of beads)

1974 [29] 1st issue of “People” magazine (Mia Farrow on the cover)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1987 [16] A team of 90 elementary school students in Kumamoto, Japan skips a rope together
160 times without missing, for a Guinness World Record

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] International Floral Design Day
[Fri] Public Sleeping Day
[Sat] 55th DGA Awards
[Mon] 2002 RRSP deadline
[Tues] Mardi Gras / Pancake Day
[Wed] Ash Wednesday
This Week Is . . . Canadian Music Week / National Read Me Week
This Month Is . . . Sweet Potato Month / Women’s Heart Health Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:

• Aries – Leo is in your first house. Leo is a plumber. Your pipes just burst.
• Taurus – Today you will try grocery shopping at a less popular supermarket chain – Price Hiker.
• Gemini – Tonight you will discover if you drink enough wine, it doesn’t matter how bad it is.
• Cancer – You will have a hunch today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress?
• Leo –  This will be a memorable day – no matter how hard you try to forget it.
• Virgo – You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
• Libra – This week you’ll finally take up that hobby you’ve been meaning to try. But remember, if at first you don’t succeed skydiving is not for you.
• Scorpio – Your next fortune cookie will say, “Get your elbows off the table!”
• Sagittarius – This weekend’s a good time to finally get around to seeing that latest “Lord of the Rings” movie. Beware though – Tolkein is hobbit-forming.
• Capricorn – Today you will learn the wisdom of the old saying, ‘Never shove your granny while she’s shaving.’
• Aquarius – You’ll feel like you can’t do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you’re right.
• Pisces – You’ll end up at an incredibly boring social function. Fortunately, you’ll remember you can sometimes liven these things up by releasing a few live scorpions.

IT PAYS TO BE LOYAL:
Ask your contestant off-the-air to provide the names of 3 friends and how to contact them. Then call each friend and ask them to vouch for the contestant as a reference. Pretend to be a prospective employer, bank manager, university admissions officer, credit card application processor, dating agency fact-checker, etc. Make sure you ask them to verify some outlandish claims about their friend’s qualifications, background, appearance or financial status. If the friends are loyal and lie for the contestant, everybody wins!

BS BRAIN BUSTERS:
• In many places attempting to commit this crime is punishable by law, but actually committing the crime is not. What is it? [Suicide.]
• How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and – without hitting a wall or any other obstruction – have the ball stop and come right back to you? [Throw it straight up.]
• How can 2 people stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unable to touch each other? [If the newspaper is slid half-way under a closed door, they can each stand on the part on their side of the door.]

BS BLATANT JOKE:
I am finally a parent! I adopted a highway.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 8% of guys worry about their ex- starting a certain nasty rumor about them. What is it?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: They’re cheap.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious 2-and-a-half minutes of your life.

MONTHLY PLANNING CALENDAR IN TOMORROW’S “BULL SHEET”!


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