Friday, February 14, 2003        Edition: #2477
Well Happy Valentine’s Day For Sheet’s Sake!

SUNDAY Rick Mercer hosts the “2003 East Coast Music Awards” at the Halifax Metro Centre (Great Big Sea leads nominations with 7, including ‘Album of the Year’ and ‘Entertainer of the Year’) . . . Just in time to avoid Valentine’s Day, Gwyneth Paltrow has reportedly dumped Coldplay singer Chris Martin (now he’s lost, he’s so lost …) . . . “American Idol” has booted off 23-year-old contestant Frenchie Davis after it was discovered she posed topless on a porn Website that claims to feature underage girls (apparently real, really LARGE underage girls) . . . A Valentine’s card sent by the late Princess Diana to Ron Lewis, her ‘Traveling Yeoman’ (travel secretary), will be auctioned along with some 60 other cards & letters from the royals MARCH 19th . . .The mayor of Chicago, Richard M Daley, is complaining to anyone who will listen that the movie “Chicago”, favored to win several Academy Awards, was actually shot in Toronto . . . A Serbian TV station is in trouble after screening a bootleg version of “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” that was apparently videotaped in a movie theater (thereby inventing ‘low definition TV’) . . . And according to one Valentine’s survey, the world’s ‘most romantic celebrity couple’ is – Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne (oh please!).

The big-budget superhero thriller, “Daredevil”, stars Ben Affleck as Marvel Comics character Matt Murdock – blind attorney by day, vigilante with super-senses by night – and co-stars Colin Farrell as bad-guy ‘Bullseye’ & Jennifer Garner as tough-as-nails ‘Elektra’ . . . Disney’s animated family fare “The Jungle Book 2″ begins where the 1967 original left off, with a bored ‘Mowgli’ (Haley Joel Osment) setting off for more adventures in the jungle with help from ‘Baloo’ (John Goodman) and other friends . . . In limited release – “Gerry”, written by and starring Matt Damon & Ben Affleck’s younger brother Casey, the story of a pair of hikers who get lost in the desert (much of the film was reportedly improvised).

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, NYC’s Metamorphosis Day Spa is offering special massages –  using chocolate oil. Owner Cleo Londono says you’ll need to pick your favorite because her choices include chocolate cake, chocolate mint, chocolate raspberry and more. The chocolate massage packages are available throughout the weekend. (Get the same effect by having someone rub their Mars bar all over you.)

TODAY the Jamaican resort Hedonism III in Runaway Bay is staging its 2nd annual ‘Mass Nude Wedding’ when several couples are scheduled to get hitched – without wearing a stitch. Well, except for top hats, veils and sunscreen, that is. This year they’ll attempt to set a new world record for the ‘largest-ever all-nude wedding’, beating last year’s event that included 11 couples. (Getting hitched naked saves time getting to the honeymoon festivities. Also saves $50,000 on a wedding dress you’ll never wear again.)

TONIGHT in NYC some 500 broken-hearted singles are getting together for the 1st annual “I Hate Valentine’s Day Party”. The idea was hatched by restaurateur Pierre Salameh who invited 30 other singles to protest the day at his eatery called Scopa. But it seems the little idea took off and now a much larger lonely hearts club event is scheduled, complete with sponsors and a DJ to play ‘anti-love songs’. (“She hates me, she f***ing hates me . . . )

• A furniture company has announced it is recalling some 30,000 beanbag chairs – because they are defective. (What the hell could go wrong? It’s a bag with beans in it!)
• There’s le outrage in France over disrespect for the ‘eternal flame’ at the Arc de Triomphe honoring France’s war dead. In one case, a drunken soccer fan apparently urinated on it, putting it out. Then there’s the Australian tourist who was arrested for using it to cook an egg!
• 18-year-old Poonam from Jaipur, India has received the shock of a lifetime – she’s a guy! After being admitted to hospital with abdominal pain, doctors discovered it was caused by an emerging penis. After an operation to free the organ, Poonam is now living as a male after spending the first 18 years as a female.
• A bakery in Singburi, Thailand is offering a specialty ice cream made with 40% – snakehead fish meat. It has turned out to be such a hit, the line of fishy treats is being expanded to include fish cookies and pastries filled with deep-fried snakehead bones.
• German toy manufacturer Playmobil is launching the ‘Hazmat Crew’, a new line of firefighter figures dressed in protective uniforms and armed with hazardous materials equipment like a special vacuum for cleaning up chemicals. (Welcome to the 21st century kids – have fun and play nice!)

A survey conducted for Wal-Mart Stores finds that men will spend 62% more on Valentine’s Day gifts than women. But according to the National Retail Foundation, the differential may be much more than that. It estimates men will spend an average of $126 on their favorite female, while women will only spend an average of $38 on their special guy! (What does this tell you about what each sex expects?)


1948 [55] (Raymond) Teller, Philadelphia PA, magician (the shorter, less obnoxious one from Penn & Teller) who legally reduced his name to one word and thus has one of the few US passports bearing a single name

1965 [38] Dave Lowry, Sudbury ON, NHL winger (Calgary Flames)

1972 [31] Rob Thomas, Landstuhl military base GER, rock singer (Matchbox 20-“Disease”, “Push”, “3 AM”, 3 Grammy Awards w/Santana-“Smooth”)

1954 [49] Matt Groening, Portland OR, animator/TV show creator (“The Simpsons”) whose real-life parents are ‘Homer’ & ‘Marge’ and sisters are ‘Lisa’ & ‘Maggie’  QUOTE: ”I’m a writer who just happens to draw.”

1972 [31] Jaromir Jagr, Kladno CZE, high-scoring NHL forward (Washington Capitals)

1973 [30] Sarah Wynter, Newcastle, Australia, TV actress (Kate Warner-“24″)

1976 [27] Brandon Boyd, Van Nuys CA, rock singer (Incubus-“Wish You Were Here”, “Nice To Know You”)  FACTOID: Incubus has filed a lawsuit against Sony Music seeking to get out of their contract with the company after 7 years. The company contends the band owes them 4 more albums.

1960 [43] Jim Kelly, East Brady PA, former NFL QB (Buffalo Bills [1986-96])/Pro Football Hall of Fame 2002/only QB to lose Super Bowl 4 consecutive times

1972 [31] Drew Bledsoe, Ellensburg WA, NFL QB (Buffalo Bills)

1973 [30] Steve McNair, Mount Olive MS, NFL QB (Tennessee Titans)

TODAY is “Valentine’s Day”, the most widely celebrated unofficial holiday when about 1 billion cards are exchanged, making it the largest card-sending occasion next to Christmas. It’s also the 4th-biggest flower-selling occasion. There were actually 2 Saint Valentines, both martyred in the 3rd Century. Pope Gelasius declared February 14th “St Valentine’s Day” around 498 AD, in part to replace the ancient Roman fertility festival Lupercalia.

TODAY is “World Marriage Day”. In the words of philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer – “To marry is to halve your rights and double your duties.”

TODAY-February 23rd the “Festival du Voyageur” in Winnipeg celebrates the fur trade era with concerts, sled dog & snow sculpture competitions, and a giant street party in Saint-Boniface.
PHONER: 204-237-7692

TODAY is “International Read to Your Child Day”. (“You want to hear ‘Peanuts’, ‘Hi & Lois’ or ‘Adam @ Home’?”)

TODAY is “National Have-A-Heart Day”, when vegetarians encourage you to quit eating animals. (Kill a carrot today!)

TODAY is “Ferris Wheel Day”, celebrating the 1859 birth of George Washington Gale Ferris, the Galesburg IL engineer who invented the ‘Ferris wheel’ for the 1893 Chicago World’s Exposition. The original wheel measured 250 feet in diameter and could carry an amazing 1,440 passengers.

TOMORROW is “Susan B Anthony Day”, honoring the 1820 birth of one of the first women’s rights advocates, and the face on the first US dollar-coin that bombed.

TOMORROW is “National Flag of Canada Day”, celebrating the 38th anniversary of the unveiling of Canada’s maple leaf flag on Parliament Hill in 1965, replacing the ‘Red Ensign’.

SUNDAY NASCAR kicks off its 2003 season with the “Daytona 500″ in Daytona Beach FL.
The Miller Brewing Co has promised that if the race is won by the driver it sponsors, Rusty Wallace, it will give everyone over 21 in attendance a coupon for a free 6-pack of Miller Lite,  including the drivers. However, the chances don’t look great – in the last 20 years Wallace has yet to win at Daytona.

1984 [19] Elton John marries Renata Blauel in Sydney, Australia (the next day he’s nominated for a ‘Best Actor’ Oscar)

1899 [104] 1st ‘voting machines’ for use in US federal elections approved (and we all know what a time-saving innovation that turned out to be!)

2000 [03] After keeping his remains in a cardboard box for years, Blessed John Duns Scotus Church in Glasgow, Scotland puts the bones of St Valentine on display (other European churches also claim to have some of the relics – they should get together and build a complete saint!)

1415 [588] ‘Oldest known Valentine’ sent by the Duke of Orleans to his French wife while he was imprisoned in Tower of London (still on display in a British museum)

1979 [24] ‘Oldest caged guinea pig’ dies at age 14 years, 10 months (‘Snowball’-Bingham ENG)

[Sun] Do A Grouch A Favor Day
[Mon] Family Day (Alberta)
[Mon] Presidents’ Day (USA)
[Mon] Canadian Heritage Day (a day celebrated nationally with nothing)
This Week Is . . . Heart Failure Awareness Week (wouldn’t you be SLIGHTLY aware if this was happening?)
This Month Is . . . International Expect Success Month (next month is ‘Admit It, You’re a Big Loser Month’)


• She goes on a diet all of a sudden.
• She’s having more sex with you to cover up the fact that she’s getting it elsewhere.
• She’s taking more time and effort deciding what to wear.
• She’s getting a lot of e-mail. It’s estimated that 90% of ‘e-cheaters’ are female.
• She’s quit complaining when you want a night out with the boys.
Source: “Perfect Alibis: How To Have An Affair & Get Away With It” by Jane Wenham-Jones

Q: What romantic souvenir did Peter the Great give to his unfaithful wife?
A: He had the head of his wife’s lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then placed by her bed.

Q: What do the initials ‘L L’ stand for in LL Cool J?
A: ‘Ladies Love’.

Q: According to an old wive’s tale, what happens if you sneeze twice in-a-row?
A: Folklore says if you sneeze twice you will be kissed. But if you sneeze before breakfast, you will cry before dinner.

Q: It takes exactly 18 minutes to cool this Valentine treat. What is it?
A: The hot chocolate that makes up a Hershey’s ‘Kiss’.

Q: Whose heart beats faster – your lover’s after a bout of passion or your dog’s when you walk in the door?
A: A dog’s heart beats up to 40 times faster than a human’s.

Q: Why is it that we love someone with all of our HEART? Why not the spleen?
A: It was widely believed in the Middle Ages that the heart was the center of human intelligence.

Comedian and self-proclaimed ‘fart artiste’ Paul Oldfield, whose stage name is ‘Mr Methane’, has posted a flatulent version of Stevie Wonder’s “I Just Called To Say I Love You” for download – a must for any morning show that’s ‘on-the-air’ Valentine’s Day!

I read the Valentine’s Day messages in the paper this morning and found a lovey-dovey one from my wife. Unfortunately, it wasn’t for me.

Today’s Question: 62% of women have stolen this item, because they just couldn’t resist.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their man’s shirt.

You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.


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