Tuesday, February 11, 2003        Edition: #2474
I knew it! Today is Monday, cleverly disguised as Tuesday.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
THIS MORNING nominations for the 75th “Academy Awards” will be announced by Academy president Frank Pierson & Oscar-winning actress Marisa Tomei (http://www.oscars.com) . . .
Meantime, Britney Spears’ movie debut, “Crossroads”, leads nominees for the 23rd annual “Razzie Awards”, celebrating the worst movies of the year, one more than Madonna’s box office bomb “Swept Away” & “Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones” (‘winners’ will be announced MARCH 22, the day before the Oscars) . . . ABC-TV has reportedly offered Michael Jackson interviewer Martin Bashir a multi-million-dollar deal to interview other celebs which he’s considering . . . Nicole Appleton has revealed that her partner Liam Gallagher of Oasis can’t read (why aren’t we surprised?) . . . Just-married “A Beautiful Mind” co-stars Jennifer Connelly & Paul Bettany are already expecting (hmm, seems they had the honeymoon before the wedding – about 9 months before) . . . The producers of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” are developing a new show in cooperation with Pepsi-Cola in which contestants will qualify by buying one of a few specially marked soft drinks and given the chance to win a BILLION . . . Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst says Britney Spears’ life is ‘out of control’ and he can’t bring himself to speak to her anymore (translated – she dumped him) . . . X-FM London UK morning personality Christian O’Connell will celebrate Valentine’s Day by airing – a live vasectomy (his producer’s getting snipped) . . . Seniors’ publication “AARP The Magazine” has announced its nominees for “Best Movie For Grownups”, including “About Schmidt”, “Far From Heaven”, “The Hours”, “Mrs Dalloway”, and “The Quiet American” . . . And in case you thought all the dumb reality TV show ideas were used up, get ready for this one – “Second Chance: The Search for the Most Talented Senior in America”.

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Nia Vardalos plays a young Greek woman who falls in love with a non-Greek and struggles to get her family to accept him in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, the little romantic comedy that turned into one of Hollywood’s biggest sleeper hits, grossing close to $300 million worldwide . . . Taye Diggs & Sanaa Lathan play friends since childhood who stumble into romance in “Brown Sugar” . . . And the entire 1st season of TV’s “Buffy: The Vampire Slayer” spin-off, “Angel” starring David Boreanaz, is out on DVD.

BRAIN STORMING:
UK ad agency ‘Cunning Stunts’ is offering to pay university students up to $150 a week to wear a corporate logo on their forehead for a minimum of 3 hours per day. The brand or product message is imprinted using removable vegetable dye. (Well it might be a good place to advertise zit cream.)

LOVE IS BLIND:
A Brazilian woman and a Japanese man who met on the Internet have wed – without ever meeting in the flesh! Though the couple has ‘dated’ online for 2-and-a-half years, they’ve only seen each other by exchanging pictures. Sergio Takashi sent a document from Japan allowing Ida Nirakami’s best friend to represent him at the wedding and say ‘I do’ on his behalf. They’ll finally meet NEXT MONTH when Takashi arrives in Brazil. (And discovers ‘Ida’ is really a 300-lb trucker named Rudy.)

I WANT TO WASH YOUR HAND:
During Valentine’s week, the Soap & Detergent Association is encouraging us to ‘spread love, not germs’. It warns that romantic couples can exchange millions of harmful germs whenever they hold hands, so they should be careful to wash throughly beforehand. The SDA’s series of tips called ‘Hand Holding 101′ includes – ‘wet hands and apply soap’, ‘rub hands together vigorously’ and ‘rinse well under running water’. (Oh, THAT’S how you do it!).

SPIDER-MAN 2:
European scientists claim doctors could be implanting artificial tendons made from spiderwebs into injured humans within 5 years. Researchers believe the unusual lightness and durability of spiderwebs makes them the perfect material to replace damaged ligaments and tendons. Webs could also be used as strong and long-lasting bandages that would make plaster casts obsolete. Experts from 5 countries working on the so-called ‘Spiderman’ project have gathered in Konstanz, Germany to share info and discuss possible uses for the silky thread. (Wow, my basement’s full of medical supplies!)

PICK-UP TRICKS:
A new survey of 1,000 young adults finds that, when it comes to making an impact, simple, old-fashioned pick-up lines are the best. According to this poll, the best 5 pickup-up lines are –
• “Can I buy you a drink?”
• “You don’t know me but I dreamt about you last night.”
• “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
• “Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?”
• “Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past you again?”
Among the worst – “How do you like your eggs … fertilized?”, “This body leaves in 5 minutes, be on it!” and “Your clothes would look great on my bedroom floor.”

NON-COMMERCIAL VALENTINE’S DAY SUGGESTIONS:
• Instead of going out to an expensive restaurant, cook your new squeeze dinner. (Then spend the evening wondering if they think you’re being romantic … or cheap.)
• Give him a full-body massage. (Mentally note how much of a beer gut he’s gained since you met … and how much smaller it makes everything else look.)
• Make a video showing your significant other how you love them. (By hiding a digital video camera in the closet.)
• Plant a tree as a symbol of your love. (Then when he/she dumps you, you can chop it down and burn it.)
• Pull out your guitar and serenade your sweetie. (Make sure it’s something romantic, like Frank Zappa’s “Jewish Princess” … especially if she’s a Baptist.)
• Diamonds last forever. (For more short-term relationships, we recommend cubic zirconium.)
• Herpes … the gift that keeps on giving.
• Admit to yourself that if you have to actually bribe someone to be with you, your life is generally pathetic. (Break down and get yourself call girl.)
Source: Edited & appended from Corporate Mofo Website.

THE BULL SHEET 02.11.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [77] Leslie Nielsen, Regina SK, movie actor (“Men With Brooms”, “Naked Gun” series, “Airplane”) who’s appeared in over 50 movies and many more TV productions

1936 [67] Burt Reynolds, Waycross GA, movie actor (“Boogie Nights”, “Striptease”)/Emmy Award-winning TV actor (“Evening Shade” 1991)/Hollywood’s #1 leading man in late ‘70s & early ‘80s

1962 [41] Sheryl Crow, Kennett MO, rock/pop singer (w/Kid Rock-“Picture”, “Soak Up the Sun”, “My Favorite Mistake”)/Grammy Award winner (“All I Wanna Do” 1995, “The Globe Sessions” 1999)

1969 [34] Jennifer Aniston, Sherman Oaks CA, TV actress (Rachel Green-“Friends” since 1994)/movie actress (“The Good Girl”)/Mrs Brad Pitt since 2000  UP NEXT: Co-stars with Jim Carrey in the comedy, “Bruce Almighty”, opening MAY 23rd

1973 [30] Jamie Pushor, Lethbridge AB, 6′-4″ NHL defenceman (Pittsburgh Penguins)

1977 [26] Mike Shinoda, Agoura CA, rock singer/songwriter (Linkin Park-“One Step Closer”, “Papercut”)

1979 [24] Brandy (Norwood), Macomb MS, pop singer (Grammy Award-w/Monica-“The Boy Is Mine”, “Have You Ever?”)/movie actress (“I Still Know What You Did Last Summer”)

1981 [22] Kelly (Kelendria) Rowland, Atlanta GA, R&B/pop singer (w/Nelly-“Dilemma”, Destiny’s Child-“Survivor”, “Say My Name”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Japan] “National Foundation Day” (celebrating the nation’s founding in 660 BC)
[Vatican City] “Independence Day” (1929)

TODAY is “National Inventor’s Day”, honoring the birth of Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931), inventive genius and holder of more than 1,200 patents including the electric lamp and the phonograph, who’s quoted as saying, “Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.” Here’s a few of our favorite wacky inventions that never really made it –
• ‘Musical Condom’ (plays romantic music when unrolled)
• ‘Vibrating Toilet Seat’ (it was thought physical stimulation of the buttocks would be effective in relieving constipation)
• ‘Animal Hat’ (a cowboy hat with Velcro strap, designed to protect animals from heat and sunlight)

TODAY is “National Satisfied Staying Single Day”. What’s the best thing about being single? (You have control of the remote all the time, you don’t have to shave your legs, and – best of all – you can’t get dumped!)

TODAY “Mothers Against Drunk Driving” (MADD) kicks off its 23rd year of raising awareness about the dangers of drunk driving. (For awhile there was also a fathers’ group, but it was just a ‘FADD’.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1922 [81] Discovery of ‘insulin’ (Banting & Best-Toronto)

1948 [55] ‘La-Z-Boy’ chair invented (men’s butts and guts immediately get larger)

1964 [39] Beatles 1st concert in North America (Washington DC)

1993 [10] Janet Reno becomes America’s 1st female Attorney General

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1977 [26] ‘Heaviest known crustacean’ is caught off Nova Scotia, a 44.5-lb (20.2-kg) lobster which measures 3.5 ft (1 m) from claw tip to tail fan (and requires 13 lbs of liquified butter)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] 23rd Genie Awards
[Thurs] Get A Different Name Day
[Thurs] ”Survivor: The Amazon” debuts
[Fri] Valentine’s Day
[Sun] Daytona 500
[Sun] 2003 East Coast Music Awards (Halifax)
This Week Is . . . Love May Make the World Go Round But Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week
This Month Is . . . Library Lovers Month (won’t you get arrested if you’re caught?)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:

• Whyzit after waiting a month-and-a-half for an appointment, then sitting an hour in the waiting room, your doctor says, “I wish you’d come to me sooner!”
• Whyzit you never see pirates with a big pile of parrot poop on their shoulder?
• Whyzit creditors’ memories are so much better then debtors’?
• Whyzit it takes years to build up trust but it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it?
• Whyzit when you’re ‘making a living’ you’re barely making enough to survive, but when you’re ‘making a killing’ you’re making enough to really live it up?
• Whyzit you never hear of ‘Miss Nude World’ having her title taken away because she’s been pictured clothed in “Woman’s Own”?

BS BLANKS:
Your phone contestant supplies the following which you write down. Then, during a commercial break or music, fill in the blanks to complete the story.
1. Your favorite member of “The Three Stooges”.
2. The name of the first pet you ever owned.
3. Where you’d go to buy a nightgown.
4. Where you’d go to buy a hammer.
5. A town you’ve been to that has less than a thousand people.
6. What could be the title of a porn movie.
7. What you’d say after taking too many laxatives.
8. The first item of clothing you put on in the morning.
9. A coin you might have in your pocket.
10. A body part that smells.
Today’s story is “The Valentine Shopping Trip” –
Poor [1] was having a tough time deciding what to get his sweetheart [2] for Valentine’s Day. He’d been to [3], he’d shopped at [4], but couldn’t find just the right gift. Then, while driving in downtown [5], he stumbled across a store called [6]. Wow, [7], he said. He hurried in, and quickly found a [8] that was perfect. [1] decided to spare no expense and paid the [9] in cold, hard cash. [2] is going to like this so much, [1] thought, she’ll probably give me a big, wet [10]!

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• Movie-themed weddings are a hot new trend. What movie would make the worst theme for a marriage ceremony?” (“Nightmare on Elm Street“, “Hannibal”?)
• “We have no way of knowing who you are so here’s your chance – share that terrible secret you’ve been wanting to get it off your chest!”

BS BLATANT JOKE:
I considered atheism … but there weren’t enough holidays.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 62% of people polled would tell their friends when this ‘officially’ happens, but 20% wouldn’t tell a soul.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: When they fall in love.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
He who hesitates is probably right.

 


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