Thursday, February 6, 2003        Edition: #2471
Another Running Of The Bull!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Bill Clinton is scheduled to appear at a free Rolling Stones concert at LA’s Staples Center to help raise awareness of global warming (why in the dead of winter instead of on a sweltering 98-degree scorcher summer day?) . . . Fleetwood Mac will release “Say You Will”, their 1st album of new songs since 1986, on APRIL 15th just ahead of a scheduled world tour . . . Word has it J-Lo is forcing Ben Affleck to quit smoking and so far he’s cut back to one-a-day thanks to nicotine gum . . . 5-ft-10 “Practice” star Camryn Manheim has reportedly shed 75 of her former 260 lbs by running, pumping iron & watching her diet, all to get in shape for another pregnancy . . . Soon-to-be-72 News Corp founder Rupert Murdoch (20th Century-Fox, FOX-TV, HarperCollins, etc) has announced he’s expecting to become a father for the 6th time THIS SUMMER thanks to his 35-year-old 3rd wife Wendi Deng, which will make his youngest child 44 years younger than his oldest (that Viagra is a wonderful thing).

KING OF FREAKS:
TONIGHT ABC/CanWest Global is airing a special 2-hour edition of “20/20″ featuring excerpts from the British TV documentary, ”Living with Michael Jackson”, which took 8 months to make. As it has already run in the UK and Australia, we know what the weirdo will say. His admissions have sparked interest from both the Santa Barbara District Attorney’s Office and Child Welfare Services, which may investigate. A few jaw-dropping excerpts –
• Even at the age of 44, he still has sleepovers with young boys.
• He has slept in the same bed with “Home Alone” star Macaulay Culkin and his brother Kieran Culkin, star of “Igby Goes Down”.
• He enjoys water-balloon fights more than sex.
• He had his 3rd child by having his sperm implanted in a surrogate mother he never met.
• His baby son, Prince Michael II (nicknamed ‘Blanket’), actually enjoyed being dangled over that hotel balcony in Germany.
• He snatched his 2nd child, Paris Michael, off the delivery room table moments after her birth and rushed her back to his mansion – placenta and all.
• He has had only 2 plastic-surgery procedures, both on his nose to improve his breathing.
• He ‘freaked out’ when Tatum O’Neal once tried to rip off his clothes for sex.
• He was beaten with a belt by his dad whenever he goofed up while rehearsing as a child.
• His dream now is to adopt 2 kids from each continent.

MOVIES GETTING MADE:
The upcoming “Superman” flick is sure attracting attention – Lara Flynn Boyle is said to be desperate to play ‘Lois Lane’, “Joe Millionaire” Evan Marriott has reportedly read for the part of the ‘Caped Crusader’, and both Josh Hartnett & Jude Law have shown interest in the lead role but neither is willing to commit for a trilogy of new “Superman” films . . . Meantime, “Memento” director Chris Nolan has been hired to ‘revive’ the ”Batman” movie series (which last starred George Clooney in the cape & codpiece) . . . Nicole Kidman is being purr-sued to play the title role in the “Batman” spinoff, “Catwoman” – cat-loving gymnast who runs an animal-grooming business by day, ferocious crime fighter by night . . . Kevin Kline has signed on to play late songwriter Cole Porter in “De-Lovely”, a biopic that will detail how he found inspiration from his marriage – despite the fact that he was gay . . . A bigscreen movie is in the works based on the toy cars ‘Hot Wheels’, to be helmed by “Charlie’s Angels” director McG (what do you do for an encore – ‘Slinky the Movie’?) . . . Cher has her first bigscreen role since 1999, the comedy “Stuck On You” starring Matt Damon & Greg Kinnear as conjoined twins, which begins filming THIS MONTH in Miami . . . 1970s stoners Cheech Marin & Tommy Chong are reuniting for the upcoming comedy “Cheech & Chong Get Blunt”, written & produced by Chong’s daughter, actress Rae Dawn Chong.

CRAPPY ROADS:
You won’t find any rock salt on winter streets in Liverpool, England. Road maintenance officials say they’ve found a better alternative – animal poop! Seems zoo doo contains ‘urea’, which provides effective gripping when reduced to pellets.

ANIMAL NUTS:
A new Bruskin-Goldring Research poll finds that 3% of pet owners plan to give a Valentines Day gift – to their pet.

THE 3-TON FOSSIL FUEL ELIMINATOR:
GM’s new ‘H2′ Hummer SUV is said to be the hottest thing to hit the automotive market in years. So hot that you can forget about dickering – they go for the full sticker price, anywhere from 50 grand into 6 figures depending on options. And you’ll keep forking out bigtime cash at the gas station if you buy one – they only get about 10 mpg.

HOLEY FLAVORS:
TODAY through April 30th, the makers of Life Savers candy are taking an online poll to pick the flavors for its famous ‘Five Flavor’ roll. Since 1935, the flavors have been cherry, orange, lemon, lime & pineapple. The online ballot includes those originals, plus green apple, watermelon, raspberry, mango melon, tangerine and blackberry. (Who cares about the fruity ones, butterscotch Life Savers are best, right? Or maybe rum & butter. Or maybe …)
NET: http://www.candystand.com

SIGNS OF ADMIRATION:
How men around the world signal that they find a woman attractive –
• In Greece, he strokes his cheek.
• In Italy, he sticks his finger in his mouth and rotates it.
• Frenchmen kiss their own fingers.
• In the Arab culture a man grabs his beard.
• Brazilians pretend to hold a telescope to their eye.
(But universally, all construction workers just grab themselves and yell, “Hey baby!”)

BS AMAZING FACT:
You can tell if a woman’s on the pill by looking in her eyes. An American Optometric Association study shows women who take birth control pills blink an average of 19 times a minute, one-third more often than those not on the pill. (Is that sand in your eye or are you just happy to see me?)

THE BULL SHEET 02.06.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1911 [92] Ronald Reagan, Tampico IL, oldest and 1st divorced US President (1981-89)/former movie actor (“Bedtime for Bonzo”, “Hellcats of the Navy” [with future wife Nancy])

1940 [63] Tom Brokaw, Webster SD, TV anchor (“NBC Nightly News” since 1982)/author (“The Greatest Generation”)/his wife of more than 40 years, Meredith, is a former Miss South Dakota

1950 [53] Natalie Cole, LA CA, pop singer who’s won 6 Grammy Awards (“Unforgettable”)/daughter of late singer Nat ‘King’ Cole

1962 [41] Axl Rose (William Bailey), Lafayette IN, dinosaur rock singer who cancelled attempted comeback with newly-formed Guns N Roses group after several concert no-shows/arrested over 30 times for various offenses  FACTOID: ‘Axl Rose’ is an anagram for ‘oral sex’

1962 [41] Richie McDonald, Lubbock TX, country lead singer (Lonestar-“Unusually Unusual”, “I’m Already There”)

1966 [37] Rick Astley, Warrington ENG, pop singer who had 3 huge hits in late ‘80s, then disappeared (“Never Gonna Give You Up”, “Together Forever”, “She Wants To Dance With Me”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Pay-A-Compliment Day”, a time to practise the simple act of kindness and compliment a friend, co-worker or stranger. Here are a few helpers –
BS ‘LEFT-HANDED’ COMPLIMENTS:
• You remind me of myself, when I was really young and dumb.
• It’s interesting to see you form an opinion as you go.
• Thank you for giving us a well deserved rest with your absence.
• Congratulations on your attempt to sound intelligent.
• You do really well for someone with a rectal-cranial inversion.

TODAY is ”Police Brutality Day”, as declared by someone, somewhere with a chip on their shoulder. (Or maybe a CHiP.)

TODAY-February 16th the 53rd annual “Berlin International Film Festival” reels in Germany. Since its founding in 1951, it has ranked alongside Cannes and Venice among the leading film festivals in the world. TONIGHT Golden Globe-winner “Chicago” opens the fest which will also include screenings of “The Hours”, and “Gangs of New York” at the closing gala.
NET: http://www.berlinale.de/

THIS WEEK is the 9th annual “Dump Your Significant Jerk Week” and TODAY is “Dump Your Significant Jerk Day”, when you’re encouraged to terminate your jerk relationship (boyfriend or girlfriend) before Valentine’s Day. After all, if you’re in a loser relationship Valentines is the worst day of the year to remind yourself of the fact!
PHONER: 949-413-3052 (Marcus P Meleton Jr, author of “Nice Guys Don’t Get Laid”)
NET: http://www.sharkbaitpress.com/jerk2002.html

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1932 [71] 1st ‘Olympic dogsled race’ as Canada and US participate in demonstration sport at Lake Placid NY (sure, the one event we could win and they discontinue it)

1935 [68] All-time best-selling board game ‘Monopoly’ is 1st marketed, after inventor Charles Darrow sells it to Parker Bros for a royalty
MONOPOLY TRIVIA:
• How many houses and hotels in a standard game? (32 houses and 12 hotels.)
• How much money does each player receive to begin the game? (Just $1,500. After all, the game was invented during the Depression.)
Source: “The Monopoly Book”

1948 [55] ‘Canada’s sweetheart’ Barbara Ann Scott wins our country’s 1st-ever gold medal in figure skating at Winter Olympics in St Moritz, Switzerland

1971 [32] 1st golf game on the Moon (NASA astronaut Alan Shepard uses 6-iron, whiffing on the first swing but finally driving 3 golf balls several hundred yards into the vacuum of space)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1933 [70] Pacific hurricane generates record 112-foot wave (surf’s up – waaaayyyyy up!)

1989 [14] Largest crowd ever assembled as 15 MILLION attend Hindu “Feast of Kumbh Mela” at Allahabad, India (but there’s only 3 port-a-johns)

1996 [07] 100-billionth Crayola crayon is produced

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Charles Dickens Day
[Fri] Girls & Women in Sports Day
[Fri] Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbor Day
[Sat] Boy Scout & Girl Scout Day
[Sun] National Develop Alternative Vices Day
This Week Is . . . Cardiac Rehabilitation Week / National School Counselling Week
This Month Is . . . Children’s Dental Health Month / TV Sweeps Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOLTEACHER IF –

• You’ve ever accidently addressed adults ‘boys and girls’.
• You believe ‘extremely annoying’ should have its own box on a report card.
• You know a hundred good reasons for being late.
• You buy Ibuprofen in bulk.
• You don’t want children of your own because there isn’t a name you could hear that wouldn’t elevate your blood pressure.
• Whenever you need some time alone, you pull the fire alarm.
• You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!”
 
BS FIND THE FAKE:
Some of the following are actual recent tabloid headlines, the others are total fakes. Have a contestant guess ‘real’ or ‘fake’ for each as you read them.
GAME #1 –
• “Iran Booted Out of ‘Axis of Evil’ For Not Being Evil Enough!”
• “US Paying Space Aliens to Find & Destroy Osama!”
• “Two-Headed Dog Barks in Stereo!” (FAKE)
• “Farmers Grow Monster Crops With Space Alien Poop!”
• “Man Invents New Bicycle – For Horses!”

GAME #2 –
• “Mommy’s Boy Now Mommy’s Dad After Wedding Grandma!” (FAKE)
• “Human Race De-volving Back Into Monkeys!”     
• “Lisping Bank Robber Arrested in Thtick-Up!” (FAKE)
• “Hillbilly Zombies Cause Mountain Mayhem!”
• “Farmer Suffers Heart Attack & Rides Cow 5 Miles For Help!”

BS Q & A:
Q: What alteration to the New York Yankee uniform is said to have been created specifically for Babe Ruth?
A: The famous pinstripes were reportedly added in an effort to disguise the fact that the Babe was a bit of a porker. George Herman Ruth was born in Baltimore MD 108 years ago TODAY in 1895.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 5% of men dump their partner for this reason.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: To avoid buying a gift for special days like Valentines.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

 


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