Wednesday, February 5, 2003        Edition: #2470
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
YESTERDAY Courtney Love was detained by police when she arrived at London’s Heathrow Airport from LA, reportedly for being ‘verbally abusive’ to the cabin crew . . . Ben Affleck tells the MARCH issue of “Vanity Fair” that just about every piece of gossip concerning J-Lo and him is not true and attempts to set the record straight – he doesn’t wear a toupée, he’s never entertained a gay thought, and he’s not getting married on Valentine’s Day . . . Madonna is said to be 5 months pregnant with her 3rd child – at the age of 44! . . . Justin Timberlake is reportedly pushing hard for a duet with Kylie Minogue at the “Brit Awards” FEBRUARY 20 . . . Michael J Fox has sold a sitcom pilot about a pro hockey player who is forced to retire to ABC-TV, where it will compete for a spot on the fall TV schedule . . . Syndicated daytime TV talk-show host Jenny Jones (who grew up in London ON as Janina Stranski) is calling it quits after 12 trashy seasons (and just about as many lawsuits).

COLIN FARRELL QUOTES:
Irish movie actor Colin Farrell is hot news these days, reportedly dating Britney Spears, co-starring with Al Pacino in “The Recruit” and with Ben Affleck in “Daredevil”, opening FEBRUARY 14. The man clearly has no problem with self-confidence –
On his hobbies: “I love porn movies. I’ve been buying ’em since I was 14.”
On playing a superhero in “Daredevil”: “I’ve never saved anyone except myself. I look after #1.”
On looking at pictures of himself: “Yeah, I love it. I won’t masturbate to anything else.”
On the difference between Irish and American girls: “Brazilian wax for a start. I ate a lot of p***y at home but I never saw a vagina.”
On sex: “I go out and get battered and have a buzz. I’ve always been a firm believer that casual sex is a f***ing good thing.”
Source: “London Sun”

NEW JARGON WATCH:
• ‘Meeting Moth’ – An executive who flits from meeting to meeting, but seldom acts on the items discussed in them.
• ‘Pulp Pilot’ – A non-electronic and time-honored method for keeping telephone numbers and addresses. Generally consists of a small, folded piece of paper that can be tucked into a wallet or purse. (A form of ‘treeware’.)
• ‘E-Thrombosis’ – A newly-coined malady caused by sitting for excessive hours in front of a computer screen. New Zealand researchers warn that life-threatening blood clots can form and travel all the way from veins in the legs to the lungs.
• ‘Virtual Agents’ – The hot trend in automated customer service hotlines, these are voices created by computers that use speech-recognition technology in an attempt to mimic an actual human. Now when you’re sucked into a company’s giant telephone menu, you’re asked to respond to options by speaking to a synthetic voice rather than pushing phone buttons. (Even though you bought their product, they still don’t wanna talk to you in person.)

BAD SEX:
According to a new online poll on sexual well-being, most people consider themselves ‘just average’ at making love. 32% of married respondents say their partners are ‘predictable and boring’ and 15% are honest enough to admit they are, too! (Then there’s Colin Farrell …)

BIG HAIRY DEAL:
The race to find the man with the sexiest beard in time for Valentine’s Day has begun. The ‘Beard Liberation Front’ has named Russell Crowe and George Michael (huh?) as possible celebrity contenders for the title. Organizers say they are looking for a beard that is ‘soft, silky and sexy’. (Saw some on the mussels we had for dinner last night. Glurp!)

RELATIONSHIP SECRET:
Although 89% of men and women polled believe that mutual trust is crucial to a good relationship, only 69% say they trust their mates completely.

BALL BREAKER:
Congratulations to Bibhuti Bhushan Nahak of India who has set a new world record for the
maximum number of cement blocks smashed on his groin with a sledge hammer at once. The new record is 3. (The old record of course was – zero!)

GETTING WHIPPED INTO SHAPE:
“Men’s Journal” reports that NYC dominatrix Mistress Victoria is running a fitness program called ‘Slavercise’ in which she whips clients into shape by making them practise yoga while tied up, perform push-ups over a candle, and ‘go fetch’ on their hands and knees. She’s a certified fitness trainer but believes people are more motivated to exercise if they’re spanked first or forced to lick her feet.

TO BOLDLY GO:
Even after the 2nd Shuttle disaster in 17 years, a new Gallup poll shows that 82% of Americans want manned space flights to continue. (The other 18% want NASA to stop faking them.)

FAST TUNES MAKE YOU GO FASTER?
In a new study, Israeli researcher Warren Brodsky at Ben-Gurion University says drivers who listen to fast music in their cars have more than twice as many accidents as those listening to slower tracks. (But can’t listening to Diana Krall cause you to fall asleep and slam into something?)

STICKING IT TO TERRORISTS:
The Australian government is spending $15 million on an anti-terrorism kit that’s being sent to households throughout the country. The kit includes a refrigerator magnet with crisis contact numbers and tips on how to spot terrorists. Critics say the money would be better spent on improving airport security, but Prime Minister John Howard says he believes in preventing greater risks by ‘taking steps now’. (Those steps being – fridge magnets?)

FUN @ WORK:
According to a study of over 5,000 office workers in 16 countries, telling jokes is the leading antidote to workplace stress. Coffee breaks rate 2nd. (Worm diving in a bottle of tequila is 3rd.)

BS FASCINATING FACTS:
• 24% of men refuse to sleep on an airplane for fear of drooling.
• Every square inch of human skin contains 60 hairs.
• 29% of women change the oil in their cars.
• 90% of women wear shoes that are too small for their feet.
Source: “Men’s Health”

THE BULL SHEET 02.05.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [69] “Hammerin Hank” Aaron, Mobile AL, Atlanta Braves baseball exec/Hall of Fame MLB player who broke Babe Ruth’s home run record of 714, finishing with a career total of 755

1934 [69] Don “Grapes” Cherry, Kingston ON, “Hockey Night in Canada” commentator (“Coach’s Corner”, since 1980)/hockey video huckster (“Don Cherry #14″)/former NHL coach (‘Coach of the Year’ with Boston Bruins 1975-76)
NET: http://cbc.ca/sports/hockey/hnic/coach.html

1948 [55] Barbara Hershey (Hertzstein), Hollywood CA, movie actress (“Hannah & Her Sisters”, “Beaches”)

1962 [41] Jennifer Jason Leigh (Morrow), Hollywood CA, film actress (“Road to Perdition”, “Single White Female”)/daughter of late actor Vic Morrow

1969 [34] Bobby Brown, Roxbury MA, Mr Whitney Houston since 1992/oft-arrested R&B singer (1989 Grammy Award-“Every Little Step”)

1971 [32] Sara Evans, New Franklin MO, country singer (“Saints & Angels”, “No Place That Far”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Weatherman’s (Person’s, Forecaster’s) Day”, commemorating the 1744 birth of Boston physician Dr John Jeffries, one of the first to keep detailed records of weather conditions [from 1774-1816].

THIS WEEK is “White Cane Week”. Aging is a major cause of vision loss, says The Canadian National Institute for the Blind. 1 in 9 Canadians over age 65 experiences significant vision loss.

THIS MONTH is “Creative Romance Month”, when couples are encouraged to put some sizzle into their relationships by adding ‘intrigue’. Suggestions?

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1901 [102] 1st ‘loop-the-loop centrifugal roller coaster’ (1st ‘carnie’ given job of cleaning up barf)

1922 [81] 1st issue of “Reader’s Digest” (the original ‘show prep’ service)

1952 [51] 1st city to adopt ‘3-color traffic lights’, with red, green AND yellow (NYC)

1996 [07] 1st ‘online banking’ (Bank of America Website)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1978 [25] Fred Newman makes 88 consecutive basketball free throws – blindfolded!

1981 [22] World’s ‘largest Jell-O’ has 9,246 gallons of watermelon-flavor mix (Brisbane, Australia)

1986 [17] Longest war in history ends as mayors of Rome and Carthage meet to sign treaty officially ending the Third Punic War, which began in 149 BC – 2,131 years earlier!

AND REMEMBER . . .
9 days till “Valentine’s Day”
[Thurs] Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
[Thurs] Pay a Compliment Day
[Fri] Girls & Women in Sports Day
[Mon] Umbrella Day
This Week Is . . . Women’s Heart Health Week / I Hate Financial Planning Week
This Month Is . . . Canned Food Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
COMMON MALE FETISHES:

1. Lingerie
2. Footwear
3. Eyeglasses
4. Smoking
5. Sneezing/Coughing
6. Armpits
7. Pregnant Women
8. Gothic Look
9. Pantyhose/Stockings
Source: “Ask Men”

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Which service personnel do the lousiest job?” (In a recent poll, supermarket check-out clerks topped the list, followed by airline check-in people and flight attendants. But how about civil ‘servants’ – especially at the license bureau?)
• “What’s the best perk of your job?”
• “Would you work for less money in order to have a 4-day work week?” (Québec’s Parti Quebecois government is proposing a 4-day work week for parents, the option to reduce work hours by 20% without pay but with full-time benefits.)

BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: You suffer from ‘gymnophobia’. What are you afraid of?  
a) Physical Education
b) Nudity
c) Sneakers Containing Rubber
A: Being naked.

BS BRAIN BUSTER:
Only 3 words in standard English begin with the letter combination ‘dw’. [Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.]

BS NAME GAME:
We’ll tell you their real names, you tell us who the celebrities are –
• Cornell Haynes Jr (Nelly)
• Demetria Guynes (Demi Moore)
• Karyn Johnson (Whoopi Goldberg)
•Terri Lynne Sauson (Terri Clark)
• Winona Laura Horowitz (Winona Ryder)
• Jeffrey Atkins (Ja Rule)
• Susan Weaver (Sigourney Weaver)
• Thomas Mapother IV (Tom Cruise)
• Alecia Moore (Pink)
• Brian Warner (Marilyn Manson)
Source: “Language of Names”, Internet Movie Data Base

BS BLATANT JOKE:
Many American soldiers are having their sperm frozen before they go off to war in Iraq. Know
what this means? The Army is doing more before 9am than what I do all day!

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Single women are 54% less likely to enjoy this simple pleasure than single men.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Cable TV.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
May you live every day of your life.

We bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each & every new BS subscriber you refer!

 


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