February 28, 2002

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Thursday, February 28, 2002        Edition: #2243
Monthly Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue!

• “Why the hell are you backstage? The drag queen number doesn’t go on for . . . oops! Sorry, Ms Aguilera.”
• “What’s in that skintight gown — J-Lo or Jell-O?”
• “Grab a rope and follow me, we just lost camera 3 in Britney’s cleavage!”
• “I had no idea Elton John was one of the Dixie Chicks!”
• “Please eat something Miss Furtado. You’re like a bird!”
• “I’m sorry, those two seats are reserved for Barbra Streisand and her ego.”
• “Please Miss Carey, stop that excruciating sobbing.”
• “Hi Mr P, how’s your Diddy?”
• “I need a limo and some jumper cables to start Keith Richards’ heart.”
• “Hi I’m LeAnn Rimes and this is my new husband, Busta.”
• BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Outta the way! Ms Lopez is backing up!!

• ‘Best Country Song Written While Flat-On-Your-Face Drunk’
• ‘Biggest Sell-Out of a Classic Hit For Use in a Car Commercial’
• ‘Best New Artist Who’ll Be Relegated to the Trash-Bin Of Obscurity By April’
• ‘Song Most Likely to be Turned Into Muzak’
• ‘CD Best Used as a Coaster’
• ‘Best Artist Name With a Dot In It’
• ‘Most Thoroughly Trashed Dressing Room’
• ‘Best Album to Listen to When You’re Really, Really Baked’
• ‘Boy Band Most Likely to Get Pushed in Front of a Subway Train’
• ‘Most Over-Hyped Piece of Crap’

TONIGHT “Survivor: Marquesas”, the 4th installment of CBS-TV’s tribal soap opera debuts, with 7 major sponsors signed on as ‘integrated marketing partners’, meaning their products will be popping up regularly during the show (“Not feeling so ‘fresh’ for the reward challenge this morning, Gina? Why not try Summers Eve Fresh Scent . . .”) . . . Bruce Willis has reportedly bought up a $7-million-plus parcel of land on the Turks & Caicos Islands in the Caribbean and both he and ex-wife Demi Moore have been overseeing construction of a sprawling mansion and two adjacent guest houses – in which they’ll share getaways with their respective lovers (what a strange parental relationship — as if naming their kids Rumer, Scout & Tallulah Belle wasn’t a big enough strike against them) . . . Word has it Brad Pitt spent $10,000 on a 33rd birthday bash for wife Jennifer Aniston, then surprised her with a platinum charm bracelet worth more than 5 grand (geez man, feeling guilty about something or what?) . . . Meantime, “Friend’s” insiders say Jennifer Aniston’s character ‘Rachel’ will give birth in MAY, but only after the longest-lasting labor ever (yeah, there’s a real source of laughs — excruciating pain!) . . . Nick Carter is rumored to be ready to quit the Backstreet Boys and go solo (why not just quit? The boys are said to be worth over $100 million — each!).

Tom Cruise is planning to star in “The Last Samurai”, a 19th Century epic about a colonial who shows up in Japan to train the troops of the Japanese emperor (it’s the one country where they could find extras shorter than Cruise) . . . In his first film in 8 years, “Home Alone” actor Macaulay Culkin will star in “Party Monster”, a dark comedy following the true story of a 1990’s party promoter convicted of murder (Culkin as a murderer — what, he offs people with aftershave?) . . . Mumbling music legend Bob Dylan is in talks to return to the bigscreen for what would be his first major film in 15 years, playing the role of a wandering troubadour brought out of prison for one last concert in the film “Masked and Anonymous” (geez, hope it has subtitles) . . . And Robert Downey Jr will star in a bigscreen version of the BBC-TV series “The Singing Detective”, to be produced by Mel Gibson (this will be Downey’s 267th ‘last chance’).

• A new study says that women who have between 1 and 14 drinks per week are more likely to get pregnant. (Well, duh!)
• Researchers have learned that wearing neckties that are too tight can restrict the flow of blood and oxygen to the eyes. Over time, this can result in vision loss and even blindness. (Great, an excuse for ‘Casual Thursday’.)
• A study by Harvard School of Public Health researchers shows that a diet that includes too many hot dogs can lead to diabetes. (And a total lack of meat.)
• A Brit study of water quality has found that the average glass of London tap water has passed through 9 other people. (And that air you’re breathing has been in 27 other lungs – ewww!)

• An Avon, Indiana wrestling coach has been suspended without pay THIS WEEK after he bit the head off a sparrow in front of his high school wresting team. He claims he did the deed as a dare and it was all in fun. (What’s the most idiotic thing you’ve heard of a coach trying to motivate a team?)
• A 72-year-old man in Romania is suing his neighbors for 30 grand for allegedly giving him a heart attack. Neculai Olaru claims the couple caused his coronary — due to their noisy lovemaking!
• Cincinnati OH animal lovers are trying to save a cow that escaped from a local meat packing plant by jumping a 6-foot fence and managed to elude capture for 10 days. The 1,200-lb bovine was finally subdued by the SPCA with a tranquillizer dart TUESDAY. Several citizens have stepped forward to offer the cow sanctuary, including former Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott. (Marge is convinced it could be a close relative.)

New stats show that UFO sightings in Canada increased a staggering 42% LAST YEAR. They included a strange ‘funnel of fire’ near Etzikom AB and a ‘triangle of light’ flying over Sydney NS. But for the 3rd year-in-a-row, British Columbia accounted for the most — 123 of the 374 reported sightings. (Thanks to another record-breaking crop of bathtub weed.)

A dinner party of 6 bankers who managed to rack up a bill of more than $60,000 at a London restaurant LAST SUMMER has just been recognized by the “Guinness Book of World Records” for the ‘most expensive meal per person’ ever. The party spent $62,679, including a bottle of 1945 Bordeaux at $16,500, a $13,400 bottle of the 1946 vintage, and a bottle of the 1947 Petrus at $17,500. The dessert wine cost $13,100. The chi-chi upscale restaurant didn’t even charge for several hundred dollars worth of food, just for drinks, cigarettes and tax. Hope they enjoyed the meal — 5 of the 6 employees of Barclays, Britain’s largest bank, have since been canned!

A study by by behavioral psychologist Donna Dawson claims desks reveal the true personality, habits and ambitions of their owners. Some highlights –
• The Business-Like, Super-Organized Desk – Most likely to belong to a super-efficient PA or secretary. It exudes an aura of quiet power which can be intimidating, but may also disguise a chip on its owner’s shoulder due to lack of appreciation. This personality is subject to mood swings, wants to feel needed but is charming and helpful when relied upon.
• The Organized Chaos Desk – This personality would love to be tidy, but panics if everything is not at hand. To cope with stress and worry this person needs frequent cups of coffee or cigarettes to keep cool. Although a workaholic and prone to occasional bouts of angst and hysteria, they like to chat to break the monotony of work, are flexible and adaptable, and brilliant at brainstorming.
• The Creative Chaos Desk – Though occasionally distracted, this personality is a great lateral
thinker and a good source of ideas. They only vaguely know where everything is, and work is often misplaced.
• The Personality Extension Desk – This desk is covered in personal touches: vacation photos,  postcards, plants, stuffed animals and zany mouse-mats. These personalities are always on the go and need constant refreshment, so food and drink is often evident. They also need constant entertainment, and although friendly and talkative, are not always discreet.
• The Show Desk – It is large and sparsely furnished with no personal effects, giving the impression of space and control. This individual is likely to have a double-sided personality, but
few at work will know the real person behind the facade. Although friendly within their own social group, once behind the desk they adopt a professional mask.
• The Trophy Desk – The workspace is messy and covered in items which reflect the owner’s social, professional or financial successes. Desktop accessories are bold and brightly colored. These people are natural team leaders but need to be appreciated or they are prone to discontent, tantrums and bouts of sulking.

1923 [79] Charles Durning, Highland Falls NY, TV actor (Justice Henry Hoskins-“First Monday”)/movie actor (“O Brother, Where Art Thou?”, “The Sting”)/Broadway star (Tony Award-“Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”, “That Championship Season”)

1932 [70] Don Francks, Vancouver BC, TV actor (Walter-“La Femme Nikita”)/movie actor (“Finian’s Rainbow”)

1948 [54] Bernadette Peters (Lazzara), Queens NY, Broadway star (Tony Awards-“Annie Get Your Gun”, “Song & Dance”)/movie actress (“The Jerk”)

1955 [47] Gilbert Gottfried, Brooklyn NY, comedian whose distinctive whiny voice has made him rich as a voice-over artist (“Doctor Dolittle”, “Aladdin”)

1957 [45] John Turturro, Brooklyn NY, movie actor (“Collateral Damage“, “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”)

1962 [40] Rae Dawn Chong, Vancouver BC, TV actress (Peggy Fowler-“Mysterious Ways”)/movie actress (“Commando”, “The Color Purple”)/Tommy Chong’s daughter

1973 [29] Eric Lindros, London ON, 6′-4″, 240-lb NHL center who’s prone to concussions (NY Rangers, 2002 Team Canada Olympic gold medal team)

LAST NIGHT’S ‘Full Moon’ was the brightest we’ll see all this year according to NASA scientists. Why? It was as close to Earth as it gets in its elliptical orbit (only 221,500 miles away) and as a result, appeared about 9% wider than normal and shone 20% more brightly. (And the reason you’ll be getting some really strange phone calls this morning.)

1984 [18] Michael Jackson wins a record 8 Grammy Awards, for “Thriller” (tied in 2000 by Santana, for “Smooth”)

1977 [25] Federal government announces creation of new, publicly-owned passenger railway to be called ‘Via Rail’ (then starts tearing up rail lines all across the country)

1854 [148] ‘Republican Party’ founded in Ripon WI (the ‘Bush league’)

1940 [62] 1st ‘televised basketball game’ (Fordham vs Pittsburgh at NYC’s MSG)

1983 [19] Estimated 125 million watch 2.5-hour final episode of “M*A*S*H”, the most viewers ever for a single episode of a TV series (will likely never be topped due to the proliferation of hundreds of cable and satellite TV channels)

[Mar 1] National Pig Day / Peanut Butter Lover’s Day / 2001 RRSP deadline
[Mar 2] National Salesperson Day / Old Stuff Day
[Mar 3] I Want You To Be Happy Day / What if Cats & Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day
[Mar 5] Multiple Personalities Day / Unique Names Day
[Mar 6] Stop Bad Service Day
[Mar 6] National Procrastination Week
[Mar 8] International Women’s Day / Employee Appreciation Day / Middle Name Pride Day
[Mar 9] Barbie doll’s birthday / Panic Day / 54th Directors Guild of America Awards
[Mar 10] 8th Screen Actors Guild Awards / Mario Day / Osama Bin Laden’s birthday
[Mar 11] Worship of Tools Day / Commonwealth Day
[Mar 12] Organize Your Home Office Day
[Mar 13] Open an Umbrella Indoors Day
[Mar 15] Ides of March / National Brutus Day / True Confessions Day
[Mar 16] Islamic New Year
[Mar 17] St Patrick’s Day / World Maritime Day / Wrestlemania 18
[Mar 18] Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction / Forgive Mom & Dad Day
[Mar 20] 1st Day of Spring / National Proposal Day / Snowman Burning Day / Extraterrestrial Abductions Day / 16th Soul Train Music Awards
[Mar 21] World Day for Elimination of Racial Discrimination / National Single Parents Day
[Mar 23] World Meteorological Day / International Day of the Seal / Razzy Awards
[Mar 24] 74th Academy Awards / World Tuberculosis Day / Palm Sunday
[Mar 26] Legal Assistants Day
[Mar 27] Passover (begins at sundown) / Diabetes Alert Day / National Joe Day
[Mar 28] Something On A Stick Day
[Mar 29] Good Friday / Knights of Columbus Day / Mom & Pop Business Owners Day
[Mar 30] Doctor’s Day
[Mar 31] Easter
[Apr 1] April Fool’s Day


Each word of the 2-word answers to the following begins with the letter ‘S’ –
• It’s Rob Lowe’s character on “The West Wing”. [‘Sam Seaborn’]
• It’s what little girls are made of. [Sugar & Spice]
• It’s the NBA team in the state of Washington. [Seattle SuperSonics]
• He’s the Ottawa Senators defenceman who played for Finland in the Olympics. [Sami Salo]
• She’s the actress who played ‘Louise’ in the movie “Thelma & Louise”. [Susan Sarandon]
• It’s the US agency whose job is to protect the President. [Secret Service]
• It’s the similarly named capital city of El Salvador. [San Salvador]
• It’s the number of units that make up 1 minute. [Sixty Seconds]
• It’s the precious metal that the British pound is based on. [Sterling Silver]
• It’s what “Survivor” contestants strive to be. [Sole Survivor]

• “If you could communicate with a dead celebrity, who would it be?”
• “Which overused words or phrases should be banned from the English language?” (Candidates might include — ‘At the end of the day’, ‘wazzup?’, ‘networking’, ‘win-win situation’, ‘interfacing’)
• Ask listeners for 4-word phrases that mean trouble, such as ‘License and registration, please’ or ‘I’m from the government’.

‘Erotic’ is using a feather. ‘Kinky’ is using the whole chicken.


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