Wednesday, February 20, 2002        Edition: #2237
One man’s lonely effort to accumulate evidence for his next sanity hearing.

‘James Bond’ star Pierce Brosnan has suffered a mystery knee injury while shooting an action sequence for the latest, as-yet-untitled ‘007′ film. He’ll be out of action for 2 weeks, but the movie’s still set to premiere in NOVEMBER. Could it be the soon-to-be-49 Brosnan is getting a little long in the tooth for spy games? Witness these . . .
BS TITLES BEING CONSIDERED FOR THE NEW BOND FILM:
• “For Your Bifocals Only”
• “Dr No Bladder Control”
• “From Tampa, With Love”
• “The Spy Who Loved Me On The 3rd Try, Then Rolled Over & Slept All Afternoon”
• “Depends Are Forever”
• “Thunderbowel”
• “Octogenarianpussy”

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“Jerry Springer: The Opera” has opened to rave reviews in London’s equivalent of ‘off-Broadway’, a spoof on the “Jerry Springer Show” that includes a grown man wearing only a diaper and waving a gun, a tap-dancing KKK chorus, and a fat pole dancer (thankfully, there are no plans so far to bring the show across the pond) . . . Portia de Rossi who plays attorney ‘Nelle Porter’ on “Ally McBeal” and galpal Francesca Gregorini (Ringo Starr’s step-daughter) have just thrown an ‘engagement party’ and plan to get married in a gay ceremony in Europe THIS SUMMER (do it on the show — it might save it from being canceled!) . . . Madonna has been nominated for the ‘Les Paul Horizon Award’ at the upcoming “Orville H Gibson Guitar Awards” for her guitar playing during the “Drowned World Tour” (first time she’s been recognized for playing with her G-string) . . . Catherine Zeta Jones’ 18-month-old son Dylan has been banned from the Toronto set of the movie musical “Chicago” because — he’s too noisy — with his wailing and blabbering audible on the soundtrack (odd behavior considering he’s a movie veteran — he made a bulging appearance in “Traffic” before he was born) . . . No Doubt’s 32-year-old front woman Gwen Stefani must be hearing her biological clock ticking, telling an interviewer she’ll do just one more album and then start a family with soon-to-be husband Gavin Rossdale of Bush (“Girls say hey baby hey baby hey”) . . . And an upcoming episode of “The Simpsons” will spoof “Sex & The City”, with ‘Marge’ watching a TV show called “Nookie In New York”.

ARGUMENT STARTER:
Did you see those Norwegian and Italian cross country skiers humping their Olympic butts up and down hills for hours the other day? Tough guys, right? But which is the toughest sport? According to a study in “Men’s Fitness” magazine, based on risk of injury and the fitness, intelligence and skill required, the toughest sports of all are gymnastics, triathlon, rock climbing, and hockey.

ASTRONOMERS ARE EXCITED:
TONIGHT people in the eastern part of North America will have a rare opportunity to see the Moon eclipse Saturn. The planet and its rings will slowly be blotted out by the Moon but will re-emerge about an hour later. This so-called ‘occultation’ is rarely seen because several factors have to be in place for it to be clearly visible. Saturn will appear as one of the brightest and largest stars in the sky TONIGHT and the occultation will begin about 7:20pm EST. (This is the most exciting thing to happen since my Saturn got wiped out by a Mercury. But as you know [co-host], NOTHING eclipses Uranus.)

WILL THAT BE CHICKEN OR METHANE?
Since last year, the city of Los Angeles and LAX airport have been cooperating on an experimental project that manufactures fuel — from leftover airline food. According to “Discover” magazine, the leftovers are pulverized and infused with bacteria to liberate methane gas, which is in turn piped to a power plant. The airport had been dumping 8,000 tons of wasted airline food per year. (The stuff that got eaten turned into methane, too.)

IRAQI GAMES?
The city of Baghdad has confirmed it plans to build a 100,000-seat stadium, which is seen as a clear indication of Iraq’s intention to bid for the 2012 Olympics although no official announcement has been made. Officials have also set aside a site for an ‘Olympic Sports City’. The host nation won’t be named by the IOC until 2005. (The odds of Baghdad getting the Olympics are about the same as  Mike Tyson being named England’s new Poet Laureate.)

NO LOVE FOR BOSSES:
21% of employees surveyed say they ‘hate their boss’, according to “Ladies Home Journal”. And a further 41% can ‘just barely tolerate’ her or him. (Apparently just 38% of all bosses aren’t slime merchants.)

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNICATION:
The University of California at Berkeley has suspended a course on male sexuality over sex club and class orgy allegations. Students are alleged to have watched their tutors have sex at a strip club and take part in a class-related orgy. A university official says, “Those sorts of activities are not part of the approved course curriculum.” A female sexuality course is also under review. Both men and women could attend either of the classes.

THE G-SPOT:
A psychologist says grumpy people can’t help being in a bad mood because their brains are born that way. Dr David Zald of Vanderbilt University in Nashville TN claims to have found a tiny part of the brain which he believes governs our moods. The more active that part of the brain, the more likely someone is to suffer regular bouts of irritability, anxiety or anger.

WHO’S HAPPIER?
A survey for “New Woman” magazine found that 83% of women are satisfied with their life in general, while only 62% of men report feeling that good.

MOTHER-IN-LAW’S FAVORITE MONTH:
THIS MONTH is “National Wedding Month”, when all those JUNE weddings get planned. A recent poll finds that 82% of couples plan to use classic, traditional vows in  their ceremony. Only 4% will completely abandon custom and compose their own vows, while 13% will compromise using a combination of tradition and their own creativity. Here’s a BS look at . . .
ORIGINS OF WEDDING TRADITIONS:
• The throwing of confetti or rice is an ancient fertility rite. Handfuls of grain or nuts were traditionally thrown because they are ‘life-giving’ seeds. In some European countries — eggs are thrown!
• Tradition dictates the new wife must never trip or fall to avoid bad luck, the origin of carrying the bride over the threshold.
• Until the 1900′s brides hardly ever bought a special ‘wedding dress’, opting for their best outfit instead. White dresses were made popular by Britain’s Queen Victoria, who broke with the tradition of royals marrying in silver.
• The tradition of bridesmaids evolved from the custom of surrounding the bride with other similarly dressed women — in order to confuse ‘evil spirits’.

NEW-CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Cable-Ten’ — Low budget, cheap, shameful, despicable, shoddy, inexpensive. (“Look at your outfit. Could you get any more cable-ten?)
• ‘Hack’ — To borrow something that you have no intention of paying back. (“Hey, lemme hack a beer from ya.”)
• ‘T-NAB’ — An acronym for ‘Tasty Non-Alcoholic Beverage’. (“OK, I’ll buy ya a beer, but order me a T-NAB ‘cause I’m driving.”)

THE BULL SHEET 02.20.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [77] Robert Altman, Kansas City MO, film director (2002 AFI Director of the Year/2002 ‘Best Director’ Oscar nomination-“Gosford Park”, “The Player”, “M*A*S*H”)/married to former “Wonder Woman” Lynda Carter

1927 [75] Sidney Poitier, Miami FL, movie actor (“Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner”, “In The Heat of the Night”, Oscar-“Lilies of the Field”) who will receive an ‘Honorary Award’ at the 2002 Oscars for ‘extraordinary performances and representing the industry with dignity, style and intelligence’/member of the Walt Disney Co Board of Directors

1941 [61] Buffy (Beverly) Sainte-Marie, Piapot Reserve SK, folk singer/songwriter (“Until It’s Time For You to Go”, “Up Where We Belong”)

1950 [52] Walter Becker, NYC, classic rock musician (2001 Grammy-“Two Against Nature”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Famer

1966 [36] Cindy Crawford, DeKalb IL, fashion model (over 600 magazine covers, 1st supermodel to pose for “Playboy”)/famous mole bearer/failed actress (“Fair Game”)/ex-Mrs Richard Gere

1975 [27] Brian Littrell, Lexington KY, pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Drowning”, “Shape of My Heart”)/cousin of BSB’s Kevin Richardson

1981 [21] Majandra Delfino, Caracas VEN, TV actress (Maria DeLuca-“Roswell”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TONIGHT a truly historic event will occur, something that hasn’t happened for 1,001 years. At precisely 8:02pm the digital time and date will read in perfect symmetry 20:02, 20/02, 2002. Numerologists point out that the last time this occurred was 10:01am, January 10, 1001 or 10:01, 10/01, 1001 and it wont happen again until 9:12pm, December 21, 2112 which will read 21:12, 21/12, 2112. The significance and repercussions of all of this is – ZIP.
 
TODAY is “Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day”, when at noon local time you’re encouraged to go outdoors and yell ‘HOODIE-HOO!!!!’ at the top of your lungs to relieve winter blahs and encourage the arrival of spring.

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1993 [09] Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” logs record 14th week at #1 in “Billboard”

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1937 [65] 1st ‘flying car’, combination auto/airplane, is tested (‘Aeromobile’-Santa Monica CA)

1945 [57] 1st ‘family allowance’ cheques issued in Canada (‘baby bonus’)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1996 [06] Orlando Magic sets NBA record for home wins at start of season (28-0)

1998 [04]15-year-old US figure skater Tara Lipinski becomes youngest gold medal winner in Winter Olympics history, at Nagano, Japan

AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week from today] 44th Grammy Awards
[1 month from today] Spring begins (hurray!)
[Thurs] Card Reading Day
[Fri] 2nd Honeymoon Weekend
[Sat] International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
[Sun] 2002 Olympic Winter Games close
Pay Your Bills Week (like there’s a choice other weeks?)
Build A Better Trade Show Image Week
Return Shopping Carts To The Supermarket Month
Sleep Safety Month (oh no, something else to worry about!)

BULL’S BITS . . .
HOW DO YOU USE YOUR STATION WEBSITE?

We’re looking for the most inventive ways to make use of radio Websites. What have you done or seen that’s original and works well? How does your Website serve as a tool to enhance contests, promotions and what’s happening on the air? Send us an e-mail and we’ll summarize your input in a future edition of BS. Best idea wins ONE FREE MONTH of BS service!

In the interest of equal time, TODAY is the 2nd annual –
BS ‘BRUNETTE JOKE DAY’
• What do you call a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night? [Startled.]
• Why do brunettes wear training bras? [It's cheaper than changing band aids every day.]
• How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair? [With a rake.]
• Why did God create brunettes? [So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.]
• How did Revlon come up with it’s brunette hair color? [By studying what oil spills do to seaweed.]
• What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? [No one else wants it.]
• Why do brunettes like their dark hair color? [It doesn't show the dirt.]
• What’s the difference between a brunette and trash? [At least the trash gets taken out once a week.]
• What’s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? [A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.]

WHO SAID IT?
“Any idiot can get laid when they’re famous. That’s easy. It’s getting laid when you’re not famous that takes some talent.”
a) Madonna
b) George Clooney
c) Kevin Bacon
d) Joe Clark
ANSWER: Kevin Bacon

BS OLYMPIC QUICK PICKS:
• What Olympic event made it’s debut in the 1932 Winter Games?
a) Synchronized ski jumping.
b) Two-man bobsleigh.
c) Two-man ice dancing.
[Two-man bobsleigh was added to the world championships in ‘31 and the Olympics in ‘32.]
• Who was the only Canadian to win a gold medal at the 1968 Winter Olympics in Grenoble, France?
a) Don Jackson
b) Nancy Greene
c) Brian Williams
[Skier Nancy Greene.]
• Who was the only American to win a gold medal at the 1968 Winter Olympics in Grenoble, France?
a) Dick Button
b) Peggy Fleming
c) Bob Costas
[Figure skater Peggy Fleming.]
• Why was athlete Eleanor Holm disqualified from the 1936 Olympics?
a) For using Absorbine Sr.
b) Because her birth name was actually ‘Walter’.
c) For partying with Olympic officials.
[For ‘sipping champagne with officials’ en route to the competition.]

BS BRAIN BUSTER:
Q: There are only 4 words in the English language which end in ‘d-o-u-s’. What are they?
A: Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(Source: “Weird Fact of the Day”)

BS TAG LINE:
How come there isn’t a better way to start a day other than waking up every morning?

 


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