Tuesday, February 19, 2002        Edition: #2236
Here’s Another Sheetload!

“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” is one of the top shows on TV, but we bet you didn’t know these —
BS PET PEEVES OF CSIs (Crime Scene Investigators):
• Real tough to convince the boss to let you place bodies in ‘action’ poses.
• Hefty bags that leak.
• Dying in each other’s arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
• Then the wife keeps asking if you could bring a little of that rigor mortis home.
• Crummy Ginsu knives they sell on TV that claim to stay sharp forever.
• Finding out that wasn’t kielbasa in the lunchroom fridge.
• Toe tag paper cuts.

Paul McCartney has been offered a whopping $4 million to play 1 night at the MGM Grand in Vegas as a replacement for the cancelled Mike Tyson/Lennox Lewis heavyweight championship fight APRIL 6, but so far, nothing’s been signed . . . Meantime, there’s speculation in the UK that 59-year-old McCartney and gf Heather Mills are in the throes of trying to make a baby (“. . . now put your other leg over there . . . oh, sorry”) . . . Britney Spears will guest star on an upcoming episode of “Sex & the City”, playing the sex-mad niece of ‘Samantha’ (Kim Catrall) who seduces and steals her auntie’s lover (but somehow remains a virgin) . . . Britney tells an interviewer when it comes to a choice between her and video games, bf Justin Timberlake prefers getting his hands on his Xbox (Quote: “The whole time we’re together, that’s all he does. I feel like he loves that thing more than me. I’m like, what’s up with this?”) . . . Sting has signed a deal to write his first book, which will be ‘narrative non-fiction’ published in 2004 (‘narrative non-fiction’ is also known as a ‘diary’) . . . Production is underway in Toronto on “It’s Always Something: The Gilda Radner Story”, an ABC-TV bio-movie about the former “Saturday Night Live” star who died of cancer in 1989 (Radner’s played by actress Jami Gertz).

Michael Douglas in the thriller “Don’t Say a Word”, as a psychiatrist dealing with the unusual demands of his daughter’s kidnapper . . . Josh Hartnett in the teen drama “O”, an update of Shakespeare’s “Othello” set in a high school . . . Keanu Reeves in the drama “Hardball”, as a hard drinking gambler who agrees to coach an inner city Little League team as a condition of getting a loan.

• In an entertainment survey, 91% of actors polled say they’d sleep with someone in order to get a job. (100% of male respondents say they’d sleep with someone — who cares about the job?)
• Women that are engaged say they have sex 2.9 times a week on average. (Men that are engaged, on the other hand, say they have sex for $4.99 a minute.)
• Over 50% of the women polled by EDK Forecast say their mood is affected when their hair doesn’t look right. (14% think it’s sufficient grounds for murder.)

• A 62-year-old Chennai, India laundry worker who earns the equivalent of less than a dollar a day has been given a rare coin worth over $6 million. The coin was given to the man by industrialist Jamal Mohamed Yeesa. It was issued in 1776 to mark US independence and is said to be one of only 8 in existence. P Kalyanasundaram says he’ll use the money to set up a ‘children’s university’. (Meanwhile, Mr Yeesa’s been asking himself, “Did I tip that guy from the wrong pants pocket?”)
• German police in Hamburg entered a house after a worried neighbor called saying she had heard gunshots next door. The police found a couple involved in a sex game of cops and robbers using blanks. The 28-year-old woman told them her 27-year-old boyfriend had shot her with blank bullets ‘to increase her sexual pleasure’. No charges have been laid, but police confiscated the weapon. (Never thought I’d say ‘shooting blanks’ and ‘sexual pleasure’ in the same sentence.)
• A  26-year-old Serbian man has nearly died trying to swim 90 miles to Italy. Igor Stojiljkovic was pulled out of the Adriatic Sea near the port of Bar in Montenegro suffering from hypothermia and shock. He had attempted the marathon swim — because he didn’t have enough money to take the ferry to see his girlfriend. (Awwww. This guy’s now exempt from ever having to buy another Valentine’s card.)
• A woman has been caught at Scotland’s Glasgow Airport trying to smuggle through a snake — by wearing it as a belt. The snake had been chilled before the flight from the US to put it into a comatose state, but customs officers became suspicious when the ‘snakeskin belt’ began to move in the warmth of the terminal. (And come to think of it, didn’t that shoe just wag its tail?)

A new Leger Marketing opinion poll asks Canadians “What is ‘immoral’?”. Some highlights —
Shoplifting (89.3%)
Adultery (80.8%)
Hardcore Drug Use (79.2%)
Tax Evasion (77%)
Prostitution (68.4%)
Alcohol Abuse (66.1%)
Suicide (61.8%)
Doing Work ‘Under the Table’ for Cash (52.8%)
Gambling (41.4%)
Swearing (40.2%)
Homosexuality (32.1%)
Pre-Marital Sex (27.3%)
Being an Atheist (26.2%)
Divorce (22.3%)
Don’t we come off a bit straitlaced and sanctimonious?

YESTERDAY in the UK, 5 retailers who’ve been dubbed the ‘Metric Martyrs’ lost their court battle for the right to sell groceries in the centuries-old Imperial measurement system (pounds and quarts) instead of the metric system (kilograms and liters), the standard of all countries in the European Union. Despite the ruling, they vow to continue fighting against what they call ‘the death of democracy’. (There’s good reason for having metric measurement in Britain – “How much is a pound of hamburger?” “A pound.” “No, I mean what’s it cost?” “A pound.” “Is this an old Monty Python sketch?”)

A Swedish toy company has marketed a doll with a permanent frown named ‘Miserable Margrit’ who wets her diapers, spits up, cries, and flails her arms. She also talks, saying charming things like ‘Shut up’, ‘Get lost’, and ‘I hate you’. (It’s not a kid’s toy, it’s preparation for parenthood.)


1940 [62] Smokey Robinson, Detroit MI, legendary Motown singer (“Cruisin’”, “I Second That Emotion”)/songwriter (“My Guy”, “My Girl”)/producer/Rock & Roll Hall of Famer

1955 [47] Jeff Daniels, Chelsea MI, movie actor (“101 Dalmatians”, “Speed”, “Dumb & Dumber”)  NEXT MOVIE: Directs & stars in “Super Sucker”, a comedy about competing door-to-door vacuum cleaner sales reps

1960 [42] Prince Andrew (Albert Christian Edward Windsor), London ENG, Britain’s Duke of York/Fergie’s ex-/Chuck’s little bro’

1963 [39] Seal (Sealhenry Samuel), London ENG, pop singer (“Kissed By a Rose”, “Crazy”)

1967 [35] Benicio Del Toro, San German PR, movie actor (2001 Oscar-“Traffic”, “The Pledge”) NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars with Tommy Lee Jones in the action film “The Hunted”, about a trained assassin who hunts humans for sport

THIS MONTH is “National Snack Food Month”. In a survey, 90% of respondents admit they are ‘snackers’. What’s the most unusual snack you’ve ever seen someone concoct?

1906 [96] 1st ‘Corn Flakes’ go on sale (do you put the milk on first or the sugar?)

1913 [89] 1st prize inserted into a ‘Cracker Jack’ box (the next day, the 1st prize inserted into a ‘Cracker Jack’ box breaks)

1960 [42] 1st edition of “The Family Circus” comic strip by Bil Keane (they’re over 40-years-old — how come ‘Billy’, ‘Dolly’, ‘Jeffy’ and ‘PJ’ never grow?)

1968 [34] “Mr Roger’s Neighborhood” debuts on TV (can you say ‘wuss’?)

1996 [06] Canada’s new $2 coin officially released (and ‘toonie busting’, separating the two metals that make up the coin, briefly becomes a national sport)

[Wed] Hoodie Hoo Day
[Wed] National Student Volunteer Day
[Thurs] Card Reading Day
[Fri] Second Honeymoon Weekend
[Feb 23] International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
National Engineers Week
Canned Food Month
National World Understanding Month


• “Are the Olympics better or worse since pro athletes have been allowed to participate?” (More than 90% of the players on the top 6 Olympic hockey teams are NHL pros.)
• “What unusual song would you like played at your funeral?” (A survey of funeral directors reveals some of the most popular ‘non-traditional’ tunes at funerals include “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” by Bob Dylan, Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway To Heaven”, “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton, and “Seasons in the Sun” by Terry Jacks. But why not “Boom Boom Boom! Out Go the Lights!”, or Men at Work’s “Down Under”, or Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here”?)

Here’s some more fun ‘name generators’ to play with –
• Har’ matey, get your salty dog ‘Pirate Name’ thanks to the folks at Fidius. (Hint: The ‘Swab the Deck’ button clears all your choices and you have to start over.)
NET: http://www.fidius.org/quiz/pirate.php
• Looking for some income on the side? Try the ‘Evangelist Name Generator’ and the money should start coming in real quick. There’s nothing to fill in, just click on ‘generate an evangelist’s name’. (Da Bull is now known as ‘Pastor L Bo Winke’.)
NET: http://www.jesus21.com/poppydixon/iactive/name_generator.html
• ‘Hagar the Horrible’ may have gotten his name at Gorm’s ‘Viking Name Generator’. You can, for sure.
NET: http://gorm.com/name/convert.htm

Get a kid on the line (an 8- or 9-year-old’s perfect) and ask ‘em to finish these famous sayings that you’d think are well known —
• “Better late than . . . [never.”]
• “No news is . . . [good news.”]
• “Where there’s smoke there’s . . . [fire.”]
• “If you lie down with dogs, you’ll . . . [rise with fleas.”]
• “A penny saved is a . . . [penny earned.”]
• “You can’t get blood from . . . [a stone.”]
• “A bird in the hand is . . . [better than two in the bush.”]

Are the following statements true or just a load of hooey?
• You can’t taste food at all unless it is mixed with saliva. (TRUE, perhaps explaining that ‘spit burger’ in the movie “Super Troopers”.)
• Gentlemen in Medieval Japan finalized agreements by crisscrossing streams of urine. (TRUE. Guess it was a good thing to be pissed with someone.)
• A penguin’s brain is 3 times larger than a human’s. (BS. Would we pick Antarctica for a home?)
• The first toothpaste invented about 4,000 years ago consisted of a highly abrasive combination of pumice stone and vinegar brushed on with a stick. (TRUE. But with every dental checkup you got a NEW stick.)
• Several North American prisons are now painting their jail cells pink to calm prisoners. (TRUE. It also compliments the nail polish.)
• There are now more men in the world than women. (BS. There are still more women in the world, the only hope for [your co-host].)
• There is no continent without Internet access. (TRUE. Thanks to ‘wireless Internet’ you can now get spam virtually anywhere.)
• People with pets live longer. (TRUE, except for pit bull owners.)
• You are a quarter-inch taller at night than during the day. [TRUE. When you walk around, cartilage between your vertebrae gets squished. It recovers while you sleep at night.]
• If you run a magnet through some fortified breakfast cereals, you’ll actually attract iron filings. [TRUE. Good luck getting through airport security right after breakfast!]
• The average North American downs 56,044 cups of coffee in their life. [TRUE. Hyper? Me? What are you talkin’ about?]

Q: In what part of a shrimp would you find its heart?
a) In its tail.
b) In its head.
c) Like your boss, they don’t have one.
A: A shrimp’s heart is in its head.
(Source: “Land O’ Useless Facts”)

Q: What was the first toy ever advertised on TV?
a) Slinky.
b) Mr Potato Head.
c) The Ford 150 pickup truck.
A: Mr Potato Head.
(Source: “Weird Fact of the Day”)

Q: Let’s see if you paid attention in high school history class — in the 1763 Treaty of Paris, France gave up Canada to Britain. What did France get in return?
a) Tahiti
b) Guadaloupe
c) Poutine
A: The Caribbean islands of Guadaloupe and Martinique.

Experience may be the best teacher, but the bills are terribly high.

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