February 18, 2002

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Monday, February 18, 2002        Edition: #2235
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

• Canada got trashed again LAST NIGHT. In the “The Simpsons” episode titled “The Bart Wants What It Wants”, ‘Bart’ and company traveled to Toronto and took potshots at all things Canadian, including hockey, curling, the Mounties, the Canadian dollar, the health care system and our notoriously polite manners. But don’t blame the lampooning on Americans — “E! Online” notes the episode was written by Canadian staff writers Tim Long of Exeter ON and Joel Cohen from Calgary.
• “Calgary Sun” reports the $160-million movie “Terminator 3″ has been yanked out of Vancouver, where it was scheduled to begin filming in APRIL. Why? Arnold Schwarzenegger’s future political ambitions would be hurt by a so-called ‘runaway production’ shot in Canada. (Arnie’s rumored to be interested in becoming Governor of California. Gee, wonder where they’ll be shooting the flick now?)
• “National Enquirer” claims “ER” star Anthony Edwards is pushing producers NOT to have Eriq LaSalle return to the show later this season. Why? It would lessen the impact of his own dramatic final episodes. The tab says Edwards’ character ‘Dr Mark Greene’ will leave the show after breaking up with his long-time on-screen love ‘Dr Elizabeth Corday’. Then, in a typical TV exit — he dies! (If they really want to generate some ratings, maybe they should have the cast of “CSI” investigate.)
• In the wake of Texas A&M University’s successful cloning of a cat, “The Mail” notes that Elizabeth Taylor is interested in cloning her aging Maltese terrier ‘Sugar’. But get ready to fork over bigtime Liz, ‘cause the replacements don’t come cheap! The company that funded the creation of the 2-month-old kitten called ‘Cc:’ (as in ‘Carbon copy’) is Genetic Savings & Clone (that’s no BS!) and it expects to get around $10,000 for a kitty and more than a hundred grand for a pup! (Still cheaper and a better companion than any of Liz’s husbands.)
• Robert Blake’s lawyer tells the “Extra” tabloid news show that his client has located a man who may be responsible for the mysterious death of Blake’s wife Bonnie Lee Bakely LAST YEAR. (Blake apparently made the discovery one morning while shaving.)
• According to “Star” magazine, Sean ‘P Diddy’ Combs has dumped the bar scene and is now shopping for a nice girl to marry – at the grocery store. He’s quoted as saying, “I go to my local supermarket around midnight. You can meet a nice woman there.” (Aw c’mon P, the place is nothing but a meat market!)
• UK’s “Sun” tab says “Charlie’s Angels” director McG (Joseph McGinty Nichol) has signed to helm the next “Superman” movie and is all set to cast Nicolas Cage as the ‘Caped Crusader’ as soon as work on “Charlie’s Angels 2” is finished. (Wait a sec, Nicolas Cage? Doesn’t ‘Superman’ have a chin and hair?)
• “E! Online” reports 21-year-old pop singer Jessica Simpson has confirmed her engagement to 28-year-old Nick Lachey of 98 Degrees. The couple, who’ve been together for 3 years, have yet to announce a wedding date. (This is sort of a discount version of Britney & Justin.)
• And here’s the week’s weirdest headlines, courtesy of “Weekly World News”: “Man Gets Hair Transplant — On His Back!”, “Did Mad Scientist Clone Richard Simmons?”, and “Unicorns Do Exist & I’ve Got the Horn in My Butt to Prove It!”

Norwegian biotech company Maritex has developed a booming business providing COD SPERM for use in — cosmetics. Yup, one of the world’s largest producers of cod liver oil plans to process some 7 tons of cod sperm THIS YEAR for the international makeup market. But don’t worry, a company engineer assures that it has no smell or taste. Processed cod sperm sells for about $200 a kilo (or $91 a pound), depending on its purity. (OK, but um . . . how do they get it?)

55-year-old former Canadian sports reporter Claud Vorilhon, now known as cult leader ‘Rael’,
says an attempt to clone a human by his company Clonaid is back on track after pressure from the US government stopped a 1st attempt LAST YEAR. The process of recreating a terminally-ill man has now been moved to a ‘secret location’ since the company’s US lab had to be abandoned. Vorilhon claims a cloned human baby will be born within 12 to 24 months, and once the technology is refined, human life expectancy will increase to 700 YEARS. (Let’s see, that works out to 662 more forgotten wedding anniversaries, 1,256 more visits from my mother-in-law, 1,802 more visits to the dentist . . . but my house mortgage will be paid off when I’m only 214!)

Two Fort Lauderdale FL companies that run ‘Miss Cleo’s Psychic Hot Line’ are facing heat on several fronts. The US Federal Trade Commission is attempting to shut down the service for  fraud. The State of Florida has launched a lawsuit challenging frontwoman ‘Miss Cleo’ (Youree Dell Harris) to prove she is in fact a ‘renowned shaman from Jamaica’. Lawsuits have also been filed by 8 other states. Here’s how the scam allegedly works — in TV, junk mail and Internet ads, the service promises a FREE psychic reading but when customers call a toll-free number they are then directed to a ‘1-900′ number that charges $4.99 a minute. Often callers are put on hold for several minutes while the charges keep mounting. Then the phone ‘psychics’ don’t do tarot readings as promised, but simply read from a prepared script. An average call reportedly costs more than $60, and nearly 6 MILLION people have called the service. (This THURSDAY is “International Card Reading Day”. Why not bring in your own ‘shaman’ to give ludicrous predictions to listeners? Use some clock ticking and cash register SFX in the background.)

A company called Rush Industries markets ‘Super Shaper Briefs’, underwear that’s padded in the rear to give men the kind of butt women adore (well, as long as you keep them on anyway). And, no BS, you can also get an optional snap-in ‘endowment pad’ for the front!

About half of all working women exercise at least once a week, according to “Working Woman” magazine. To stay in shape right? Well yes, but 40% of them also say they work out to develop new business contacts and improve relations with co-workers. (The art of the schmooze.)

The average banana sold in Canada is 23 cm (9 ins) long, according to the International Development Research Center. However, in a retail survey, 60% of consumers said they would be willing to ‘settle’ for 18 cm (7 ins). (Female consumers in particular said they’re used to making do with compromises.)

65 parts of your body are considered safe for piercing including eyebrows, chin, tongue, lips, nostrils and belly button. What’s the strangest part you’ve seen pierced? Careful!


1931 [71] Johnny Hart, Endicott NY, comic strip creator (“The Wizard of Id”, “BC” [since 1958])

1933 [69] Yoko Ono, Tokyo JAP, bad artist/bad singer who married well/John Lennon’s widow
NOTE: LAST YEAR she appeared in the documentary “Kiss My Grits: The Herstory of Women in Punk and Hard Rock” (you might want to have listeners participate in a Yoko singing contest TODAY . . . then again, you might not)

1954 [48] John Travolta, Englewood NJ, movie actor (“Domestic Disturbance”, “Swordfish”)   NEXT MOVIE: Stars in “Basic” as a DEA agent investigating the disappearance of Army cadets during a training exercise.

1957 [45] Vanna White (Rosich), North Myrtle Beach SC, TV mannequin (“Wheel of Fortune”)  NOTE: Is this the cream puff job of all-time or what? She’s in her 20TH SEASON as the “Wheel of Fortune” ‘letter turner’.

1964 [38] Matt Dillon, New Rochelle NY, film actor (“There’s Something About Mary”, “Wild Things”)  NEXT MOVIE: Plays a con man who travels to Cambodia to collect his share in an insurance scam in the thriller ”City of Ghosts”, opening THIS FALL,

1965 [37] Dr Dre (Andre Young), Compton CA, hip-hop artist/producer (Grammy-“Let Me Ride”)/movie actor (“Training Day”, “Set It Off”)/credited with discovering Eminem

1969 [33] Alexander Mogilny, Khabarovsk RUS, NHL forward (Toronto Maple Leafs) who declined offer to play on 2002 Russian Olympic team/1st Soviet hockey star to defect to NHL

[USA] “Presidents’ Day”

TODAY is “Canadian Heritage Day”, a national holiday that never quite got off the ground. The NDP’s Stanley Knowles unsuccessfully lobbied the federal government for years to establish a holiday on the 3rd Monday in February to celebrate Canada’s ethnic roots and history. ‘Heritage Canada’, led by author Pierre Berton, succeeded in getting national recognition for “Heritage Day” in 1979, but it’s still not a legal holiday. If for no other reason, we need a stat holiday in February because this year there are 87 dark, chilly days between New Year’s Day and Good Friday! NOTE: In Alberta, TODAY is “Family Day”, a day for families to enjoy outdoor activities and community events. Alberta celebrates “Heritage Day” in August.

TODAY is “Presidents’ Day”, the 3rd Monday in February, that originally celebrated the birthdays of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington and now honors all former US Presidents. (Officially, the federal holiday is still known as “Washington’s Birthday”.)

THIS WEEK is officially “National Pet Dental Health Week”. (Hey, good luck teaching ‘Killer’ how to floss!)

2001 NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Sr is killed in a crash during the “Daytona 500″

1901 [101] 1st ‘Dust Removing Suction Cleaner’ (vacuum cleaner) patented (inventor Cecil Booth was excited to claim “My invention sucks!”)  FACTOID: There are more than 15,000 vacuum cleaner accidents in North America annually!

1930 [72] 9th planet ‘Pluto’ discovered by Flagstaff AZ astronomer Clyde Tombaugh (he should have called it ‘Clyde’)

1956 [46] ‘Play-Doh’ is 1st manufactured (invented by Cincinnati’s Joe McVicker when he concocted modeling clay for his sister’s pre-school students using wallpaper paste)

1978 [24] 1st ‘triathlon’ (‘The Iron Man’-Kona HI)

1932 [70] Norway’s Sonja Henie wins her 6th World Women’s Figure Skating title in Montréal (finishes career with a record 10 world titles and 3 Olympic golds)

[Wed] Hoodie Hoo Day
[Wed] National Student Volunteer Day
[Fri] Second Honeymoon Weekend
[Sun] 2002 Olympic Winter Games close
[Feb 27] 44th Grammy Awards
Brotherhood/Sisterhood Week (honors siblings who’ve had sex changes)
National Sign-Up For Summer Camp Month (something to look forward to – for parents!)


You tell the story line-by-line and a phone caller or studio guest provides the sound effects as best they can. Today’s story is called –
“The Gold Medal”
It’s the medal round in Ice Prancing at the Salt Lake Winter Games. The favorite American competitor takes to the ice as the crowd roars [SFX]. She skates to the center of the arena and spits out her chewing gum [SFX]. Her program is going well until she attempts a ‘Triple Klutz’ and trips over her frozen gum and crashes to the ice [SFX]. Oops! She’s out of the medals! The Canadian competitor is up next and the crowd immediately feels sorry for her [SFX]. As she begins her routine, the French and Russian judges can be heard making a deal on the sideline [SFX]. Oops! She’s out of the medals! The Chinese skater is next. She removes her jacket emblazoned with the team’s equipment sponsor, ‘Acme Ass Pads’. The crowd laughs hysterically [SFX]. Unfortunately, due to a mix-up, the Zamboni comes roaring up the ice during her performance [SFX] and runs her down from behind [SFX]. Oops! She’s out of the medals! Just then, a lost Australian spectator who’s still a bit tipsy from partying the night before wanders onto the ice to the delight of the fans [SFX]. The judges look around and see that she’s the only one left standing — so they give her the gold! The crowd roars [SFX]. There’s not a dry eye in the house as she stands on the podium to the strains of the Australian anthem [SFX].

‘Competitive Eating’ has become a hot fad over the past year. This THURSDAY FOX-TV will air the ‘Glutton Bowl’ featuring top eaters from around-the-world. Why not set up your own local competition to see who can devour the most wings, pizza, hot dogs, or whatever your sponsor specializes in. Pick up some tips from the annual “Jalapeno Festival” in Laredo TX where the record for gulping fiery-hot peppers — 141 jalapenos in 15 minutes — was set way back in 1979. They’ll go at it again THIS WEEKEND.
PHONER: 956-722-0589 (Anselmo Castro Jr)
If you want to get serious about setting some new benchmarks, check out the latest gorging records here —
NET: http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com

• The Bronze Medal Question – What does the Olympic motto ‘Citius, Altius, Fortius’ mean?
[It’s Latin for ‘Swifter, Higher, Stronger’.]
• The Silver Medal Question – What colors are the 5 Olympic rings?
[Blue, black, green, red and yellow, representing Africa, the Americas, Asia, Australia and Europe. At least 1 of the 5 colors can be found in the flag of every country in the world.]
• The Gold Medal Question – When the modern Olympics began in 1896, what was awarded to 1st place winners?
[Silver medals. At the time, gold was considered an inferior medal to silver. In 1904, gold medals replaced silver as the top prize.]

Q: 42 years ago TODAY (1960) the 8th “Winter Olympic Games” opened in Squaw Valley CA. There was just one thing missing — SNOW. What did the organizers do to try and remedy the problem?
a) Trucked in over 20,000 tons of snow from Colorado.
b) Manufactured ‘artificial’ snow continuously for 72 hours.
c) Hired Native Americans to do a ‘snow dance’.
A: They actually hired Native Americans to do a ‘snow dance’, which resulted in a deluge of rain! Fortunately, snow finally began to fall just before the opening ceremonies.

Q: What now-common product was originally designed as a filter for gas masks?
a) Coffee filters.
b) Facial tissues.
c) Disposable diapers.
A: That was originally the projected use for Kleenex nose wipers.

Your contestant gives you the name and phone number of 2 friends whom you will ask to vouch for the contestant as a reference. Call the 1st friend pretending to be a prospective employer. Tell the friend he’s listed as a résumé reference and you want to check some facts (list some outrageous claims of education and experience). Call the 2nd friend purporting to be a bank officer checking a loan application. Ask if the things listed as collateral (houses, vehicles, boats, jewelry) actually exist. If both friends are loyal and lie for the contestant, everybody wins prizes!

Beauty is only a light switch away.

Good luck to our Aussie contributor Jamie MacDonald who starts his new gig doing mornings in Perth TODAY. Perth is Australia’s west coast metropolis with a population of 1.5 million, home to pristine beaches and the home town of superbod’ Elle McPherson — ‘nuff said! Knock ‘em dead, mate.

The Sheet welcomes subscribers David Wright @ MIX 106.5 Sydney AUS, Kurt Price @ CKSA Lloydminster AB and this week’s BS samplers, including Don Steel @ The Internet Weekly Top 40 Countdown, Michelle Cruise @ THE RIVER Niagara Falls ON, Eric Fought @ SUNNY 97.7 Fond du Lac WI, Trina Masfina @ KZGZ Hagatna GUAM, Paul Alan @ CHLQ Charlottetown PEI, and Ross Murdock @ WKXA Findlay OH. Remember, we’ll bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new BS subscriber you refer!

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