Friday, February 15, 2002        Edition: #2234
Want to forget all your troubles? Wear tight shoes.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.
We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

And in the interest of equal-time gender bashing, here’s . . .
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
Hangovers go away.
A beer won’t get upset if you come home with another beer.
You can have more than one beer in a night, and not feel guilty.
Beer doesn’t care if you go to sleep right after you’ve had it.
You can share a beer with your friends.
You always know when you’re the first one to pop a beer.
A frigid beer is a good beer.
[DISCRETION] A beer always goes down easy.

TODAY is the lavish British royal funeral for Queen Elizabeth’s sister Princess Margaret, which the 101-year-old Queen Mother has promised to attend . . . SUNDAY 68-year-old former “Dallas” diva Joan Collins marries her 5th husband, 36-year-old theater manager Percy Gibson in London (her parents aren’t losing a daughter, they’re gaining a grandson) . . . Julia Roberts’ revelation that she’s such a devoted fan of daytime drama “Days of Our Lives” that she tapes it when she’s not home has led producers to offer her a guest role for a whopping one-time fee of $100,000 (so far, no answer from JR) . . . If you think your Valentine cost you money, check this — a Hollywood florist shop claims confirmed bachelor George Clooney ordered up expensive floral arrangements for SIX different women . . . Former Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash says his expected first child was conceived at Rolling Stone Ron Wood’s house in London, so he may give it the middle name ‘Woody’ (classy) . . . And the latest survey by a pair of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons finds their patients think the ideal female body would now include Heather Graham’s eyes, Heather Locklear’s nose, Halle Berry’s cheeks, Denise Richards’ lips and Britney Spears’ body — which would run up a total cost in cosmetic surgery of $35,000 to $40,000.

Britney Spears makes her bigscreen debut in “Crossroads”, a road movie about 3 childhood friends and a musician they meet on a trip across the country, who convinces you-know-who to enter a music contest in LA — everybody now: “I’m not a girl….” (Dan Aykroyd, what were you thinking when you signed up for this one?) . . . Bruce Willis stars in the WW2 drama “Hart’s War”, about the military trial of a POW accused of murder in a Nazi prison camp . . . Denzel Washington plays a down-on-his luck dad, whose insurance won’t cover his son’s heart transplant, so he takes the entire hospital ER hostage in the drama “John Q” . . . No, it’s nothing to do with a young boys’ reunion at Michael Jackson’s ranch — “Return to Neverland” is Disney’s animated sequel to “Peter Pan”, the story of ‘Wendy’s’ daughter ‘Jane’, who is kidnapped by ‘Captain Hook’ (wow, a sequel 49 years later — when’s “Snow White 2″ coming?) . . . The no-name comedy “Super Troopers” is a send-up of state cops in the tradition of “Police Academy” and its 743 sequels.

• Sick of family photos in which everyone has those spooky red eyes from the camera flash? The new ‘Berol Red Eye Reduction Pen’ is a simple way to retouch pics and eliminate the red eye problem (by giving them a black eye). It comes with this wacky warning label — “Only suitable for use on prints, never directly on the living eye.” (Well duh!)
• Researchers at Woollongong University in Australia have developed polymer fabrics that ‘groan’ when stretched. Their projected use is in sports training. For example, golfers aiming for the perfect swing could strap the fabric to the elbow and with each bend of the arm, it would warn about bad form with a sound similar to a groan. (Every time I hit a drive I make my own.)

• Scientists have discovered that mobile phones boost the fertility of laboratory worms. Microwaves similar to those emitted by mobile phones have been found to increase the likelihood of nematode worms producing eggs. (The entire science community is excited about the useful implications of the discovery which would be, um . . . nil.)
• University of Rhode Island oceanographers have released a new CD of the mating calls and warning sounds of over 150 fish species found in the Atlantic Ocean. The scientists say fish signal each other by drumming on their bladders, making a sound similar to — the human digestive system. (The CD is called “J to the L-O”.)

• A doctor in Hong Kong has been stripped of his license for a year after prescribing a drug to a woman in her 20s which caused her to grow — excessive facial hair. (The good news is, Barnum & Bailey has signed her up.)
• YESTERDAY at Hedonism III on Runaway Bay in Jamaica, 10 couples got married NAKED in the resort’s 2nd annual ‘Mass Nude Wedding’. (Guess it was easy to spot the ‘best man’, huh?)
• To help curtail ‘road rage’, lawmakers in Germany have made it illegal to ‘flip the finger’ or make the ‘cuckoo sign’ by circling a forefinger around the temple. Fines have also been levied for calling other drivers ‘fool’ or referring to a meter maid as a ‘silly cow’.
• A Baghdad newspaper reports that Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein is thinking about stepping down this SEPTEMBER. (Apparently he wants to spend more time with the family members he hasn’t executed yet.)
• A Portuguese wine producer has been forced to recall some 300,000 bottles of its top-selling Esporao red reserve wine because the image on the label of a bearded man wearing a turban apparently resembles Osama bin Laden. Finagra Wines made the unfortunate choice for its new image way back in MAY of last year.

Collins Publishing is putting together a dictionary of shortcuts and acronyms that are now commonly used for short text messages on mobile phone display screens. Some highlights —
• WOMBAT – “Waste of money, brains and time.”
• IHTFP – “I have truly found paradise.”
• AWGTHTGTTA – “Are we going to have to go through this again?”
• DYTIGAD – “Do you think I give a damn?”
(Source: “Sunday Telegraph”)


1951 [51] Jane Seymour (Joyce Penelope Wilhelmina Frankenberg), Hillingdon ENG, Emmy Award-winning TV actress (“Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman”, “Onassis: The Richest Man in the World”/movie actress (‘Bond’ girl in “Live & Let Die”)

1954 [48] Matt Groening, Portland OR, animator/TV show creator (“The Simpsons”)

1972 [30] Jaromir Jagr, Kladno CZE, hockey forward (captain of the Czech Republic Olympic team at Salt Lake, Washington Capitals)

1976 [26] Brandon Boyd, Van Nuys CA, rock singer (Incubus-“Wish You Were Here”, “Nice To Know You”)

1958 [44] Ice T (Tracy Morrow), Newark NJ, TV actor (Detective Fin Tutuola-“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”/movie actor (“The Heist”)/hip-hop artist (‘the father of gangsta rap’)

1959 [43] John McEnroe, Wiesbaden GER, TV game show host (“The Chair”)/Hall of Fame tennis player ranked #1 for 4 years in the ‘80s

1954 [48] Rene Russo, Burbank CA, film actress (“Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle”, “Tin Cup”)

1963 [39] Michael Jordan, Brooklyn NY, NBA player/team co-owner (Washington Wizards)  QUOTE: “I took cooking classes when I was younger; girls weren’t interested in me, and I thought I may be alone for the rest of my life” (apparently you were wrong)

1966 [36] Luc Robitaille, Montréal PQ, NHL winger (Detroit Red Wings)

1972 [30] Denise Richards, Downers Grove IL, movie actress (‘Bond’ girl in “The World is Not Enough”)/became Charlie Sheen’s fiancée after guest appearances on “Spin City”

1972 [30] Billie Joe Armstrong, Rodeo CA, rock singer/guitarist (Green Day-“Time of Your Life”)  NOTE: The group begins touring again in APRIL

1975 [27] Vaclav Prospal, Ceske Budejovice CZE, hockey center (2002 Czech Olympic team. Tampa Bay Lightning)

TODAY is “National Flag of Canada Day”, celebrating the 37th anniversary of the unveiling of Canada’s maple leaf flag on Parliament Hill in 1965, replacing the ‘Red Ensign’.

TODAY is “Susan B Anthony Day”, honoring the 1820 birth of one of the first women’s rights advocates, and the face on the first US dollar-coin that bombed.

TOMORROW is “Heart 2 Heart Day”, a day to confide in your diary. Start young and before you know it, you’ll have written a whole book! (Which your bratty brother will steal and read to all his friends.)

SUNDAY NASCAR kicks off its 2002 season with the “Daytona 500″ in Daytona Beach FL. This year the pace car will be driven by “Tonight Show” host and car enthusiast Jay Leno, who’s taken the job seriously and had some lessons. Leno quote: “Anytime you’re going 140 and the cops aren’t behind you, I think that’s what you call a special time.”

1903 [99] 1st ‘Teddy Bear’ introduced by Morris & Rose Michtom (it’s named after US President Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt)

1907 [95] “Happy Birthday to You” 1st copyrighted by Patty & Mildred Hill (imagine the royalties — it’s likely the world’s most sung song!)

[Mon] Presidents’ Day (USA)
[Mon] Canadian Heritage Day (a day celebrated nationally with…um…er…nothing)
[Thurs] Card Reading Day (bring in a soothsayer!)
[Feb 22] Second Honeymoon Weekend (sounds like a contest!)
Heart Failure Awareness Week (wouldn’t you be SLIGHTLY aware if this was happening?)
International Expect Success Month (next month is ‘Admit It, You’re a Big Loser Month’)


Cat flap for the fridge
Flavored suppositories
Ice skate sandals, for use in hot climates
Inflatable dartboard
Open toed safety shoes
Reversible garbage disposal
Double-sided playing cards
Helicopter ejector seat
Second-hand fireworks
Solar powered night light
Unsinkable submarine
Downhill Stairmaster
Waterproof toilet paper
(Ask listeners for more!)

• Searchable insults for every occasion are available from “Insults Net”.
• “Bob Rivers’ Twisted Tunes” site has a big selection of parody songs that are updated regularly and free to download.
• Here’s a cool little service to provide listeners. “Behind the Name” gives you the meaning and origin of any given name you plug in.

Q: Which sports activity is most likely to land a kid in a hospital emergency room?
A. Bike accidents crash-land more kids into hospital emergency rooms than any other sport. (Until ‘skeleton’ catches on.)

Q: A man and a woman are driving along a country road on a cold winter night when the car breaks down. Before leaving to find help, the man tells the woman not to open the doors or windows and not to let anybody in. He leaves, and she does as he says. When he returns, she is dead and there is a stranger in the car. What happened?
A: She was pregnant and gave birth in the car. The stranger was the baby, and she died during childbirth.

Women like to watch curling. It’s the only time they get to see men pushing brooms.


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