Wednesday, February 13, 2002        Edition: #2232
Bull Soup For the Radio Personality’s Soul

• “You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs, any questions?”
• “Happy Valentines Day! I love you so much that if we were on a sinking ship and there
was only one life jacket — I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
• “This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.”
• “Thinking of you, Valentine — which, technically, the court order can’t prevent.”
• “You’re a honey and you’re a cutie, but I wish you had J-Lo’s booty.”
• “Hi, I’m Mr Right. Someone said you were looking for me.”
• “I admire your strength, I admire your spunk but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.”
• “I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny, so let’s get to the point — let’s do it, I’m horny!”

TONIGHT Barenaked Ladies perform a 1-hour show at the Salt Lake City medals plaza as part
of the Winter Olympics free concert series . . . Jennifer Lopez reportedly stuffed 300 bucks in the tip jar at a Starbucks when she found out a staffer had discovered her $10,000 diamond-encrusted cell phone sitting on the counter and safeguarded it until J-Lo’s return . . . “Buffy” star Sarah Michelle Gellar refused to do a bare-butt scene for the upcoming bigscreen version of “Scooby-Doo”, so a ‘body double’ was brought in to sub for her (is that called a ‘stunt butt’?) . . .  Liz Taylor is looking at developing her own line of high-quality hairpieces, made with the finest human hair available in natural-looking colors (Robin Williams’ back is being considered as a steady source of raw material) . . . “Worth” magazine estimates new NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg is now worth at least $7.5 billion, making him the richest dude in town (the reason he could afford the $100-per-vote he spent getting elected) . . . Let the death watch begin – ABC-TV is pulling “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” from its MONDAY lineup, but it will still air on THURSDAYS (for now) . . . “W” magazine has come out with its first ‘Hollywood A-list’ in its MARCH issue, which includes Julia Roberts as the ‘A-list actress’ and Promises Malibu as the ‘A-list rehab center’ (thanks to former inmates Ben Affleck, Matthew Perry & Charlie Sheen).

Scientists in New York are working on a drug to help violent cats chill out. They are about to begin trials of ‘clomipramine’ on 20 agressive cats volunteered by their owners. Pet psychologists say violent pets may have a condition called ‘social anxiety’. It’s hoped the anti-anxiety treatment will stop the felines from fighting. (You pay 300 bucks for a pet from a pet store and now you have to pay for therapy and drugs? I don’t really want a stoned cat!)

Minnesota is considering a proposal to create a state lottery scratch-off ticket with Osama Bin Laden’s image on it. Players would discover any winnings by scratching off ‘and thus obliterating’ Bin Laden’s face. (Unfortunately, the odds of winning are the same as the odds of finding him.)

It’s a little known fact outside the Olympic host state, but Utah residents are the world’s biggest per capita consumers of Jell-O. Lime green is apparently the favorite and the local custom is to add other ingredients like apple slices, shredded carrots, fruit cocktail or cottage cheese (heave!). Could it be that it’s so popular in Utah because it’s a cheap, easy dessert to prepare – for a BIG FAMILY?

“Globe & Mail” reports Canada’s Correctional Services department will pick up the tab to remove a Nazi swastika tattoo from a prison inmate at the Mountain Institution in Agassiz BC. Darren Lee Letourneau has reportedly renounced his white supremacist views. The cost to us taxpayers – $4,088. (Why not give his cellmate 10 bucks, a ball point pen and tell him to get creative?)

A 38-year-old man arrested by Angolan authorities has been taken to a Luanda hospital and found to be carrying 1,304 uncut diamonds wrapped in plastic — in his intestines. They have been successfully removed surgically. (Saving the poor sap the excruciating prospect of trying to pass the world’s hardest substance.)

• ‘Z-Monster’ — Sleepiness so excessive you can hardly keep your eyes open. (“Thanks to staying up late to watch the Olympics last night, the Z-Monster is beatin’ me down this morning.”)
• ‘Q-Tip’ – A white-haired senior. (“No wonder traffic is so slow, look at that Q-tip going 20!”)
• ‘Naff’ — An adjective meaning lame, stupid, dumb, idiotic. (“Olympic figure skating would be worth watching if it weren’t for the naff judges.”)


1934 [68] George Segal, Great Neck NY, TV actor (Jack Gallo-“Just Shoot Me”, since 1997)

1944 [58] Jerry Springer, London ENG, trash TV talk show host (“Jerry Springer Show”, since 1991)

1944 [58] Stockard Channing (Susan Stockard), NYC, TV actress (First Lady Abby Bartlet-“The West Wing”)

1947 [55] Mike Krzyzewski (sha-SHEF-ski), Chicago IL, NCAA basketball coach who has led Duke University Blue Devils to a record 9 ‘Final Four’ appearances and 3 National Championships (1991, 1992 & 2001)

1950 [52] Peter Gabriel, London ENG, classic rock singer (“Sledgehammer”, “Big Time”)

1971 [31] Mats Sundin, Sollentuna SWE, hockey center (2002 Swedish Olympic team [which plays Canada FRIDAY 4pm MST], Toronto Maple Leafs)

1974 [28] Robbie Williams, Newcastle-Under-Lyme ENG, arguably the UK’s #1 pop singer who just can’t seem to crack the North American market (“Millennium”)

1997 [05] Prince Michael Jackson Jr, LA CA, Michael Jackson’s son with ex-wife/baby carrier Debbie Rowe

TODAY is “Ash Wednesday”, the beginning of Lent. Lent, of course, is supposed to be a time of spiritual preparation for Easter that generally involves fasting and penance. Catholic tradition dictates that the 40 days before Easter be a time of restrictions. So what are you giving up for Lent?

TODAY is “Get A Different Name Day”, set aside to give us opportunity to pick one we’d really like. Find listeners with really odd names and ask them what nickname they’d like to be called. Or find them a cool new name at the ‘Baby Namer’ Website.

THIS WEEK is “Canada — Take it to Heart Week”, an initiative which combines the anniversary of “National Flag of Canada Day” (Feb 15), “Canadian Heritage Day” (Feb 17), and “Citizenship Week” (Feb 10-17).

1999 [03] 67 years of tradition end as Toronto Maple Leafs play last game at Maple Leaf Gardens a week before move to new Air Canada Centre (the ‘Hangar’)

2000 [02] Final original “Peanuts” comic strip published in Sunday papers a day after creator Charles Schultz dies

1841 [161] 1st capital of ‘Canada’ (Kingston ON)

1947 [55] 1st major oil strike in Alberta (Leduc)

1988 [14] 1st-ever Winter Olympics in Canada open (Canada fails to win a single gold medal at 15th Winter Games in Calgary)

1635 [367] 1st ‘public school’ in America opens, the Boston Latin School (school cheer is ‘Ubi Sub Sububi’ [Always Wear Underwear])

1741 [261] 1st American magazine published (with the clever name “The American Magazine”)

1969 [33] 1st human egg fertilized in a test tube (a womb with a view)

[Thurs] Ferris Wheel Day
[Thurs] Valentine’s Day
[Sun] Daytona 500
[Mon] Presidents’ Day (USA)
[Feb 22] Second Honeymoon Weekend (aka ‘Dirty Weekend’)
[Feb 27] 44th Grammy Awards
Burn Awareness Week (owwww!)
Freelance Writers Appreciation Week (to celebrate, send in your BS renewal!)
Black History Month (82 years ago TODAY [1920] the National Negro Baseball League was organized, home to many of the greatest players of all-time, like Satchell Paige)
National Weddings Month (it takes two to make a marriage — a daughter and her mother)
Expert Success Month (but end up with the silver medal anyway)

THIS WEEK is “National Condom Week”, a good time to review –
• “Cover your stump before you hump!”
• “Don’t be silly, protect your willy!”
• “Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool!”
• “Don’t make a mistake, cover your snake!”
• “If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket!”
• “No glove, No love.”

“What’s the LEAST romantic thing your partner does?” (forget your wedding anniversary?, watch TV during sex?, wear socks to bed?)

The ‘Snow Forts’ Website was created by a 22-year-old Canadian who’s conducted numerous experiments to refine the art of building with snow. The site has photos and instructions for constructing 20 different snow forts, including a 683-block fort with a wrap-around slide running top to bottom!

Add some class to your show with the ever-so-witty “Shakespeare Insult Generator”.

Are the following sports announcers stiff or still kickin’?
• Howard Cosell [died 4/23/95]
• Jack Buck [alive and 77]
• Jim McKay [alive and 80 (and senile, if the Olympics Opening Ceremony is any indication)]
• Vin Scully [alive and 74]
• Harry Caray [died 2/18/98]
• Joe Garagiola [alive and 76]
• Mel Allen [died 6/16/96]
• Curt Gowdy [alive and 82]
• Pat Marsden [alive and on Toronto radio at The Fan]
• Foster Hewitt [died 4/21/85]
• Danny Gallivan [died 2/24/93]

Are the following statements TRUE or just a load of BS?
• The Olympic flag dates back to the original Olympic Games played in Greece. (BS. The official Olympic flag was introduced at the 1920 games in Belgium.)
• The name ‘Coca-Cola’, translated from Chinese, means ‘Bite the wax tadpole’. (TRUE)
• If the normal 100 thousand hairs on a human head were woven into a rope, it could support a weight of more than 12 tons. (TRUE)
• Electronic timing devices were first used at the 1980 Olympic Winter Games in Lake Placid. (BS. Electronic timing devices–and a PA system–were first used way back in the 1912 Olympics in Stockholm.)
• The name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box is ‘Spot’. (BS. ‘Bingo’ is his name-o.)
• Speed skaters are the fastest self-propelled humans. (TRUE, unless they fall down.)
• The average person spends less than $5 on Valentines Day items. (BS. Capital One Bank estimates we’ll spend an average of about $40 each on ‘romantic gestures’ for Valentine’s Day THIS YEAR.)
• Scientists have invented a device to be installed in pacemakers that will automatically call your doctor when your heart shows signs of weakness. (TRUE)

Halitosis is better than no breath at all.

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