Thursday, February 7, 2002 Edition: #2228
Always remember you are unique, like everyone else.
• Whyzit bikers chain their wallets to their pants? Is anyone really stupid enough to try and pickpocket a biker?
• Whyzit they are called APARTments, when they are all stuck together?
• Whyzit scientists call it REsearch when they are looking for something new?
• Whyzit the man you hire to invest your money, is called a BROKER?
• if a dogs get mad when you blow in their face, whyzit they stick their head out the car window?
• Whyzit women marry men hoping they will change but men marry women hoping they won’t?
• Whyzit when you stand on your head your face turns red, but, when you stand on your feet your legs don’t?
• Whyzit when you talk about marriage 2 words always come up — ‘commitment’ and ‘institution’?
• Whyzit when a lawyer writes a 10,000 word document, it’s called a ‘brief’?
• Whyzit there is always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY “Lord of the Rings” director Peter Jackson goes on mock trial at Ave Maria College in Ypsilanti MI, charged with the tongue-in-cheek offence of ‘Desecration of Tolkien’ (the defendant is not expected to appear in court) . . . TONIGHT celeb interviewer Brian Linehan hosts Canada’s version of the Academy Awards, the “22nd Annual Genie Awards” in Toronto, with an Inuit film called “Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner” and “The War Bride” leading nominations with 7 apiece (odds are you’ve never heard of any of the nominees) . . . Pamela Anderson says she plans to retire from acting within 2 years (wait, she was ACTING?) . . . ‘James Bond’ actor and “People” magazine’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Pierce Brosnan has agreed to appear on an upcoming episode of TV sitcom “Everybody Loves Raymond”, not that he needs the work but as a favor to the show’s Doris Roberts, who was part of the cast of Brosnan’s old “Remington Steele” TV show . . . Nicolas Cage is said to be ‘devastated’ after being dumped
by 9-month girlfriend Lisa Marie Presley, who reportedly ended their relationship LAST WEEK and trotted off to her ex-fiancé John Oszajca . . . And here’s the latest performance line-up for the 44th annual “Grammy Awards” FEBRUARY 27th — the Dave Matthews Band, U2, Alicia Keys, a tribute to the “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” soundtrack by Emmylou Harris, Alison Krauss, Ralph Stanley, Gillian Welch & the Soggy Bottom Boys, and Nelly will join ‘N Sync on their hit “Girlfriend”.
A bigscreen version of the book “Misconception” is in the works, a legal thriller co-written by OJ Simpson defense attorney Robert Shapiro . . . For George Clooney’s role as a wheelchair-bound petty criminal in the upcoming comedy “Welcome to Collinwood”, he’s spending 3 hours a day in make-up getting his body covered with temporary tattoos (we’ll see the results in SEPTEMBER) . . . “Pearl Harbor” director Michael Bay’s next project is a remake of the 1974 horror cult classic “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, set to shoot THIS SPRING . . . . Ewan McGregor and Renee Zellweger will co-star in the romantic comedy “Down With Love”, described as a throwback to the Rock Hudson/Doris Day comedies of the 1960s.
CYCLE OF ATTRACTION:
A new study from Scotland shows that the kind of ‘male face’ a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features. (And if she’s menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.)
DEFINITION OF A LOSER:
A Hampshire, England soccer fan’s devotion to his team just doesn’t seem to be paying off. Mark Brewer named 3 of his children after players on his favorite team Arsenal, but each of the players was traded away soon after the christenings. Then he had a tattoo of his team’s crest etched into his arm and 2 weeks later — the club changed its logo.
LANDING LIGHTS FOR THE LOO:
Accidents will happen – especially in a dark bathroom in the middle of the night. Enter the NEW ‘Johnny Light’ is designed to protect ladies from that midnight splash-landing, while helping guys not to tinkle on the seat. It’s a $13 toilet night-light that sends out a green warning beacon when the seat is up.
JADED WITH JINGOISM:
79-year-old American author Norman Mailer says the USA is TOO patriotic. While 9/11 was horrific, he says, the patriotic fever gripping the United States ever since has gone too far. He’s also quoted in the UK’s “Daily Telegraph” as saying “America has an almost obscene infatuation with itself.” (Hear hear! Finally, someone had the balls to say it – and it was an American!)
BUT THE WHEELS ARE STILL WONKY:
By THIS SUMMER you may be using a ‘Klever-Kart’ in your local supermarket. It’s a shopping cart outfitted with a special screen on which you swipe your personalized identity card. Then, as you move through the store, the screen flashes ads for products you usually buy and posts reminders about items you haven’t purchased recently. The aisles you shop and time you spend in each department is automatically recorded on your identity card. (Geez, is there anywhere left where you can get a little PRIVACY???)
A SMELLY ‘DEAR JOHN’:
Just in time for “Dump Your Significant Jerk Week”, a new way to say sayonara to your soon-to-be-ex-lover — send a stinking bucket of rotting fish guts. Hey, at $14.95, it’s cheaper than roses! An Internet-based company will also deliver crushed flowers and/or dog poop to your no-longer-significant other.
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Police in Peru have arrested a gang trying to smuggle 200 chickens into Lima’s San Pedro prison. The stunt had nothing to do with trying to upgrade the quality of prison food — the plucked chickens were found to contain a total of 10 kilos of cocaine.
• The world’s rarest and most expensive coffee is ‘Kopi Luwak’ from Indonesia. The luwak is a local cat-like animal that prowls coffee plantations eating only the ripest coffee berries. Plantation workers then follow the critters around — picking the beans from their feces. The resulting brew is said to have a ‘chocolaty, earthy quality’ and sells for $300/lb or abut 5 bucks a cup. (And you thought your coffee tasted like crap this morning!)
• A British company specializing in celebrity memorabilia has just sold a single hair from JFK’s head for $1,600. (That seems like a lot of money, considering [your co-host] got a whole head full of the stuff for about 60 bucks over here at Advanced Hair.)
THE BULL SHEET 02.07.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954  Miguel Ferrer, Santa Monica Ca, TV actor (Deputy Chief Medical Examiner Garret
Macy-“Crossing Jordan”)/movie actor (“Traffic”, “Mulan”)/son of late actor José Ferrer & Rosemary Clooney/George Clooney’s cousin
1960  James Spader, Boston MA, movie actor (“Crash”, “Stargate”, “sex, lies & videotape”)
1962  Garth Brooks, Tulsa OK, country singer (“Wrapped Up In You”) NOTE: His “Ropin’ the Wind” was the 1st album to debut at #1 on “Billboard’s” country AND pop charts
1966  Chris Rock, Georgetown SC, comedian/movie actor (“Nurse Betty”, “Lethal Weapon 4″) NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Anthony Hopkins in the action comedy “Bad Company”, opening JUNE 7
1978  Ashton Kutcher, Cedar Rapids IA, TV actor (Michael Kelso-“That ’70s Show”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Girls & Women In Sports Day”. (Also known as ‘Women Who Don’t Shave Their Legs Day’.)
TODAY is “Wave ALL Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day”. (And they’ll think, “What the hell does THAT idiot want now?”)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1875  1st ‘tattooing machine’ (Samuel O’Reilly-NYC)
1964  The Beatles 1st North American tour begins in NYC, the so-called ‘British Invasion’
1988  1st episode of “America’s Most Wanted” on FOX-TV (credited with the capture of over 700 fugitives)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1976  Toronto Maple Leaf Darryl Sittler scores NHL-record 10 points in a single game, including 6 goals, vs Boston Bruins
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week] Valentines Day (women have already bought their cards)
[Fri] Boy Scout & Girl Scout Day
[Fri] Salt Lake City Winter Olympics opening
[Mon] National Inventor’s Day
[Tues] Mardi Gras/Pancake Day
Art of Communications Week (wow, you’re an ‘artiste’!)
Responsible Pet Owner Month
Potato Lover’s Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
30 YEARS DIFFERENCE:
• 1972: Long hair. 2002: Longing for hair.
• 1972: The perfect high. 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
• 1972: Moving to California because it’s cool. 2002: Moving to California because it’s warm.
• 1972: Growing pot. 2002: Growing pot belly.
• 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor. 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor.
• 1972: Seeds and stems. 2002: Roughage.
• 1972: Killer weed. 2002: Weed killer.
• 1972: Going to a new, hip joint. 2002: Receiving a new hip joint.
• 1972: Rolling Stones. 2002: Kidney stones.
• 1972: Being called into the principal’s office. 2002: Calling the principal’s office.
• 1972: Screw the system. 2002: Upgrade the system.
• 1972: Taking acid. 2002: Taking antacid.
• 1972: Passing the drivers’ test. 2002: Passing the vision test.
• Where do you go to rent an elephant? RW Commerford & Sons rents out not only elephants, but other exotic animals like llamas, camels and zebras. They’ll even provide an attendant to ‘scoop up’. Who are their customers? Do they have any animals that starred in movies? What’s the strangest request they’ve had?
PHONER: 860-491-3421 (Goshen CT)
• 52-year-old Cambridge ON restaurateur James Fulton is trying to save his family-style restaurant — so THIS WEEK he’s added ‘lingerie lunches’ with scantily-clad waitresses 2 days a week. He claims the Waterloo Region’s anti-smoking bylaw has cost him big time, so he’s had to resort to the old axiom — sex sells. The waitresses are paid $10 an hour plus tips, but have to buy their own lingerie. This may be a better idea than his last one – in a previous attempt to save the business he offered — free Spanish lessons.
PHONER: 519-650-1000 (Café Calisa)
BS QUICK PICK TRIVIA:
Q: Which has more germs – your kitchen dishcloth or your toilet seat?
A: A University of Arizona researcher says the average kitchen sponge or dishcloth has 200 TIMES more diarrhea-causing germs than the average toilet seat.
Q: How many feet per minute does the standard escalator move?
c) Depends how many people stand on it.
A: 120 ft/min.
Q: The ‘Dome of the Rock’ in Jerusalem is sacred to which religion?
A: Trick question. It’s one of the few shrines in the world sacred to 3 different religions, ALL of those listed above.
Q: What’s the average age of wine consumed around-the-world?
a) 1 year
b) 3 years
A: Wine snobs will be shocked to learn that internationally, over 95% of all wine made in a given harvest is consumed before the next harvest. In other words, most wine consumed is less than 12 months old, according to the wine column in the “Denver Post”.
Q: What’s the traditional Japanese liquor called ‘mam’ made from?
b) sheep’s blood
A: It is produced by taking live venomous snakes called ‘mamashis’, mashing them into a specially prepared fermenting potion, allowing the mixture to age, then collecting the runoff. (Another glass?)
BS TAG LINE:
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
BS BOUNTY HUNTERS!
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