Wednesday, February 6, 2002        Edition: #2227
Well, this show was a total waste of makeup.

THIS WEEK is the 8th annual “Dump Your Significant Jerk Week”, when you’re encouraged to terminate your jerk relationship (boyfriend or girlfriend) before “Valentine’s Day”. If you’re in a loser relationship, it’s the worst day of the year to remind yourself of the fact. (I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.)
• Tell him/her by text messaging
• Send a strip-o-gram to his/her workplace.
• Have your new lover call.
• Talk in your sleep. Confess everything.
• Arrange a romantic vacation, then just before the plane is about to leave, run for the exit!
• Make a list comparing all your lovers. Accidentally leave it laying around.
• Write a letter to your long lost love. Accidentally leave it laying around.
• Gain those 40 pounds you’ve been putting off.
• Talk dirty on the phone, but call him/her by another name.
• Excuse yourself during dinner in a restaurant to call your parole officer.
• Call out the name of your boss, intern, employee, maid, etc during sex.
• Leave a message, telling in explicit detail exactly what you’d like him/her to do to you — on his/her mother’s answering machine.
• Wet the bed.
• [DISCRETION] Give up fellatio for lent.
PHONER: 949-413-3052 (Marcus P Meleton Jr, author of “Nice Guys Don’t Get Laid”)

TONIGHT Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young kick off their 35-city, 3-month “Tour of America” in Detroit’s Palace of Auburn Hills, taking advantage of the success of last year’s reunion concert (the band’s total age is now 233, Neil Young being the ‘youngster’ at 56) . . . The French movie “Amelie” (a lock to win the Oscar for ‘Best Foreign Film’) is such a smash hit in Japan that plane-loads of young Japanese women are flying to Pairs on “Amelie” package tours, $1,500 pilgrimages to see sights from the film (‘Amelie-mania’ has also invaded Japanese restaurants and clothing stores) . . . Seems Tim Allen’s wife Laura has decided she’s waited long enough for some ‘home improvement’ and pulled the plug on their 15-year marriage after discovering yet another affair — this time with a woman half the ‘Tool Man’s’ age . . . “Star Wars Episode 2: Attack Of The Clones” star Hayden Christensen (a native of Vancouver) tells “Vanity Fair” magazine he has no idea how his ‘Anakin Skywalker’ voice will drop to the level of ‘Darth Vader’ in the original 3 “Star Wars” films voiced by James Earl Jones, but says it may have something to do with — the helmet . . . Catherine Zeta-Jones has a 4-year deal to be the new
worldwide spokesperson for Elizabeth Arden cosmetics that’s said to be worth over $5 mill . . . And Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks & Julia Roberts have all tied for the title of ‘Hollywood’s Most Bankable Star’ in the just-released annual ‘Star Power 2002′ poll by “Hollywood Reporter”.

• ‘Direct-Response Advertising’ — Any TV commercial that offers the chance to ‘buy right now’. This includes ads with a toll-free number or Internet site, and also what we used to call ‘infommercials’.
• ‘Copyleft’ – The opposite of ‘copyright’, a new term coined by the British magazine “New Scientist” which is publishing an article that anyone can copy or redistribute at will. It’s meant to be a demonstration of the ‘free circulation of knowledge’.
• ‘O-Dark Thirty’ — New slang for a ridiculously early hour in the morning. (“To do this show, we have to get up at o-dark thirty.”)

After 128 years of the standard keyboard, Los Gatos CA architect Daryl Fazekas has invented a new one called the ‘Guy’s Keyboard’ because — he claims — women can type but men can’t. To speed up typing for men, he’s rearranged the letters to make it easier for the quote — ‘hunt and peckers’. The vowels are in the center, surrounded by the most-used consonants. The current ‘QWERTY’ keyboard (named for the first 6 keys) was actually developed back in 1874 to SLOW DOWN typists so keys on mechanical typewriters wouldn’t jam.
PHONER: 408-395-5880

Doctors in India have removed a set of dentures from a man’s stomach after he complained of frequent bouts of vomiting and recurring stomach pain. It took less than 30 minutes to remove the false teeth which the man had apparently swallowed in his sleep — 2 YEARS EARLIER.

In Swindon, England a pet lover has opened a hotel for rabbits and guinea pigs. A top-of-the-line ‘luxury hutch’ costs about $4 a night. (Unlike human hotels, a top rabbit room is one you share with 15 others.)

A New Zealand woman has ‘married’ a cardboard cut-out because she promised her friends years ago that she’d be wed by February, 2002. Jan Bye had no luck attracting a fiancé so she decided to marry a life-size display cut-out from a local service station. She even sent out wedding invitations, arranged for catering and bought a gown for the mock ceremony in Christchurch. (And she was really happy to discover on the honeymoon that every morning when she woke up he was still stiff.)


1911 [91] Ronald Reagan, Tampico IL, oldest and 1st divorced US President (1981-89)/former movie actor (“Bedtime for Bonzo”, “Hellcats of the Navy” [with future wife Nancy])

1940 [62] Tom Brokaw, Webster SD, TV anchor (“NBC Nightly News”, since 1982)/author (“The Greatest Generation”)/his wife of 40 years, Meredith, is a former Miss South Dakota

1950 [52] Natalie Cole, LA CA, pop singer who’s won 6 Grammys (“Unforgettable”)

1962 [40] Axl Rose (William Bailey), Lafayette IN, dinosaur rock singer who’s attempting a comeback with a newly-formed Guns N Roses group/arrested over 30 times for various offenses  NOTE: ‘Axl Rose’ is an anagram for ‘oral sex’

1962 [40] Richie McDonald, Lubbock TX, country singer (Lonestar-“I’m Already There”, “Tell Her”)

1966 [36] Rick Astley, Warrington ENG, pop singer who had 3 huge hits in late 80s, then disappeared (“Never Gonna Give You Up”, “Together Forever”, “She Wants To Dance With Me”)

TODAY is “Pay-A-Compliment Day”, a time to practise the simple act of kindness and compliment a friend, co-worker or stranger — just before they sue you for harassment. So go ahead, lay it on thick, as in –
• The inspiring expanse of your love handles enlightens all to your zest for life.
• The excellent elegance of your slowing body improves our future lifelong happiness.
• The wonderful vastness of your time-worn face expands tomorrow’s hope for humanity.
• The stupendous expanse of your middle-aged spread amplifies modern hopes and dreams.
• The wild beauty of your gray streak uplifts our grandchildren’s progress.
• The inspiring power of your receding hairline augments modern progress.

TODAY one of Europe’s biggest film fests opens, the 52nd annual “Berlin International Film
Festival”. Among this year’s features is “Uncle Frank”, the first documentary produced by Kevin Spacey’s production company.

TODAY is ”Police Brutality Day”, as declared by someone, somewhere with a chip on their shoulder — but I’m not sure we should be encouraging this.

1932 [70] 1st ‘Olympic dogsled race’ as Canada and US participate in demonstration sport at Lake Placid NY (sure, the one event we could win and they discontinue it)

1935 [67] All-time best-selling board game ‘Monopoly’ is 1st marketed, after inventor Charles Darrow sells it to Parker Bros for a royalty
• Box cover features man in top hat opening his raincoat.
• Instead of buying hotels, you rent rooms by the hour.
• ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card has picture of Robert Downey Jr on it.
• Rules encourage players to file anti-trust suits.

1948 [54] ‘Canada’s sweetheart’ Barbara Ann Scott wins our country’s 1st-ever gold medal in figure skating at Winter Olympics in St Moritz, Switzerland

1952 [50] Queen Elizabeth II ascends to British throne upon death of her father, George VI (the official party for her ”50th Jubilee” is JUNE 3, when 15,000 guests are invited to a bash in the gardens of Buckingham Palace featuring entertainment from Phil Collins, Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin, and Paul McCartney & Mick Jagger performing together for the first time)

1971 [31] 1st golf game on the Moon (NASA astronaut Alan Shepard uses 6-iron, whiffing on the first swing but finally driving 3 golf balls several hundred yards into the vacuum of space)

1989 [13] Largest crowd ever assembled as 15 MILLION attend Hindu “Feast of Kumbh Mela” at Allahabad, India (but only 6 port-a-johns, dammit!)

[Thurs] Genie Awards
[Thurs] Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day (instead of just the middle one)
[Fri] Salt Lake City Winter Olympics opening
[Sun] NBA All-Star Game (Philadelphia)
[Sun] NFL Pro Bowl (Honolulu)
Plant The Seeds Of Greatness Month (wow, that’s some pick-up line)
Pride in Food Service Week
National Cat Health Month
National Embroidery Month


“What annoying part of our modern lives would you like to get rid of?” (How about boy bands, old guys with pony tails, or white guys who say ‘wassssuupp!’?)

• What’s the best form of birth control after 50? [Nudity.]
• What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? [45 lbs.]
• What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? [45 minutes.]

Q: In 18th-century English gambling dens, there was one employee whose only job was to get rid of the dice if there was a police raid. How did they do it?
a) By swallowing them.
b) By shattering them with a hammer.
c) By throwing them out a window.
A: Gulp.
(Source: “Gambler’s Digest”)

Seventeen people die on the job every day! That’s bad news — unless, of course, you’re looking for a job.


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