Tuesday, February 5, 2002        Edition: #2226
Anything worth doing, is worth getting someone else to do.

You’ve likely heard: The 3rd Austin Powers movie won’t be titled “Austin Powers in Goldmember” – at least for now. The Motion Picture Association of America claims it’s an UNAUTHORIZED parody of the 1964 ‘James Bond’ film “Goldfinger”. As you’ll remember, the 2nd ‘Austin Powers’ movie, 1999’s “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”, parodied the 1977 ‘Bond’ film “The Spy Who Loved Me” — and it was cleared by the MPAA. So what’s really going on here? Seems New Line Cinema didn’t follow ‘proper procedures’. In other words – they FORGOT TO ASK for permission. An appeal has been turned down, but we’re betting by the time it opens JULY 26TH, the ‘Goldmember’ part of the title will be reinstated.
• “On Her Majesty’s Escort Service”
• “Thunderballs”
• “Herpes Are Forever”
• “Doctor Yes! Yes! Yes!”
• “Muckraker”
• “The Man With The Golden Bum”
(Your listeners will have lots more ideas.)

Latest word on the scheduled bigscreen version of the classic ‘70s TV cop show “Starsky & Hutch” is it will now star Ben Stiller as ‘Starsky’, David Duchovny as ‘Hutch’, and Snoop Dogg as ‘Huggy Bear’ . . . Barbra Streisand’s support for Jewish causes has drawn hate mail and threatening phone calls from militant Muslim groups so she’s reportedly fortifying her Malibu mansion with a $3-million upgrade that includes a ‘safe room’ where she and hubby James Brolin can hide out in an emergency . . . Britney Spears confesses to “Teen People” magazine her least favorite body parts are her nose and her feet (her favorite parts are imported) . . . And gamblers will be thrilled to know the new “I Love Lucy” slot machine actually emits the smell of chocolate as it depicts ‘Lucy’ and ‘Ethel’s’ famous candy factory scene.

“Ghost World” isn’t a horror flick at all but a teen story that deviates from the usual formula, centering around a recent high school grad whose plans drastically change when she meets a musically obsessed middle-aged man played by Steve Buscemi . . . The romantic war drama “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin” stars Nicolas Cage & Penélope Cruz in the story of an engaged Greek woman who falls in love with an officer of the occupying Italian army.

According to a new  Ipsos-Reid poll, 48% of Canadians surveyed say they would prefer we had a republican system of government with an elected head of state similar to the US. 66% now think Britain’s royals are simply celebrities and should have no formal role in Canadian society. However, in typical contradictory Canadian fashion, 80% say they still support Canada’s current constitutional monarchy. (Basically, we want to dump the queen but don’t have the guts to make the decision.)

NASA has just announced new criteria for accepting ‘space tourists’ as agreed upon with space agencies in Canada, Russia, Japan and Europe. The world’s 2nd space tourist, South African Internet millionaire Mark Shuttleworth has just finished a week of training at Johnson Space Centre in Houston. He’s reported to have paid about $20 million to fly to the space station via a Russian rocket in late APRIL. Bottom line of the 9 pages of new rules – drunks, liars and criminals aren’t welcome. (Thereby eliminating most people with that kind of money to blow.)

The “Weekly World News” Website has closed down with the following explanation — and we quote: “We would like you to BUY the paper at least one stinking week of the year. That’s right, BUY it. Go to Wal-Mart, K-Mart, your local supermarket and plunk down a couple of lousy bucks for a copy. We want to see who our true fans are. We want to know who loves us. We want to keep our jobs.”

The students at Schiller Classical Academy in Pittsburgh are boycotting the school’s cafeteria, complaining that the pre-packed meals often include half-thawed frozen peaches, watery mac & cheese, greasy pizza and discolored meat (ewww!). They even have a slogan — “We won’t eat if it smells like feet.” (What’s the worst cafeteria food you’ve ever had?)

It was bound to happen – soon having a mobile phone that’s ultra-thin and really small just isn’t going to be impressive enough. Later THIS MONTH an Austrian company will begin offering
‘luxury handsets’ for Ericsson mobile phones made from 18 carat gold, encrusted with approximately 900 diamonds, and engraved with the name of the owner. Prices will start at $24,000. Not to be outdone, Nokia, the world’s biggest mobile phone maker, will start offering gold and platinum ‘Vertu’ luxury phones costing about $21,000 by the middle of the year.

What will be the new word for 2002? LAST YEAR it was apparently ‘B4′ (the text shorthand for before). In 2000, it was ‘economy class syndrome’ and in 1999 it was ‘Millennium bug’. According to the “Collins Gem Dictionary”, other new expressions (and the year they were coined) include: ‘teddy bear’ (1902), ‘depression’ (1905), ‘getting stoned’ (1952), ‘workaholic’ (1973), and ‘wine bar’ (1981).

Hi-tech remote-controlled public toilets that disappear below ground during the day have been developed in Holland. The ‘UriLift’ is connected directly to sewers and can be operated by police via a handset. It looks like a manhole cover during the day, then uses hydraulic cylinders to emerge from the pavement at night — when bladder-challenged bar patrons are wandering the streets.

Highlights of the “26th Tokyo Idea Olympics”, an annual event encouraging fun and exciting technological breakthroughs –
• ‘The Anywhere Wheelchair’, a stair-climbing wheelchair built from off-the-shelf parts, won the competition’s ‘Excellence Award’.
• ‘The Hamster-Powered Car’, which runs by amplifying the electrical power generated by hamsters running on a treadmill, won the ‘Dream Car Award’ for high school and university students.
• Other prize-winners included an egg-shaped ‘People-Carrying Robot’, and the ‘Surfing Johnny’ — a surfboard on wheels. (Perfect for Saskatchewan.)


1934 [68] “Hammerin Hank” Aaron, Mobile AL, Hall of Fame MLB player who broke Babe Ruth’s home run record of 714, finishing with a career total of 755

1934 [68] Don “Grapes” Cherry, Kingston ON, “Hockey Night in Canada” commentator (“Coach’s Corner”, since 1980)/former NHL coach (‘Coach of the Year’ with Boston Bruins 1975-76)  NOTE: Get voice-clips of him here http://cbc.ca/sports/hockey/hnic/coach.html then ‘interview’ him by editing together irrelevant ‘answers’ to dumb questions

1962 [40] Jennifer Jason Leigh, Hollywood CA, film actress (“eXistenZ”, “Single White Female”, “The Hudsucker Proxy”)  NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Tom Hanks & Paul Newman in ”The Road to Perdition”, opening JULY 26

1966 [36] Jonathan Morgan, X-rated film actor only notable for the titles of the movies he’s been in — “White Men Can Hump”, “Thighs & Dolls”, “Buck Naked in the 21st Century”, and “The Beverly Thrillbillies”

1968 [34] Joe Juneau, Pont-Rouge QC, NHL center (Montréal Canadiens)

1969 [33] Bobby Brown, Roxbury MA, Mr Whitney Houston since 1992/oft-arrested R&B singer (1989 Grammy Award-“Every Little Step”)

1971 [31] Sara Evans, New Franklin MO, country singer (“Saints & Angels”, “No Place That Far”)

TODAY is “National Weatherman’s (Person’s, Forecaster’s) Day”, commemorating the 1744 birth of Boston physician Dr John Jeffries, one of the first to keep detailed records of weather conditions [from 1774-1816].

THIS WEEK is “White Cane Week”. Aging is a major cause of vision loss, says The Canadian National Institute for the Blind. 1 in 9 Canadians over 65 experiences significant vision loss.

1901 [101] 1st ‘loop-the-loop centrifugal roller coaster’ (next day, 1st ‘carnie’ is given job of cleaning up barf)

1922 [80] 1st issue of “Reader’s Digest” (the original ‘show prep’ service)

1952 [50] 1st city to adopt ‘3-color traffic lights’, with red, green AND yellow (NYC)

1978 [24] Fred Newman makes 88 consecutive basketball free throws — blindfolded!

1981 [21] World’s ‘largest Jell-O’ has 9,246 gallons of watermelon-flavor mix (Brisbane, Australia)

1986 [16] Longest war in history ends as mayors of Rome and Carthage meet to sign treaty officially ending the Third Punic War, which began in 149 BC — 2,131 years earlier!

[Thurs] Genie Awards
[Thurs] Love May Make the World Go Round But Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week
[Fri] Salt Lake City Winter Olympics opening
[Sat] Carnival begins in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
[Mar 20] 1st Day of Spring
[Mar 24] 74th Academy Awards
[Mar 31] Easter
I Hate Financial Planning Week (aka ‘My Mattress is Stuffed Full Week’)
Cardiac Rehabilitation Week (clear!)
National Blah Buster Month (how do YOU get rid of the ‘February blahs’?)
National Weddings Month (when all those summer weddings get planned)


“What’s the absolute worst movie you’ve seen in the past year?” (“Freddy Got Fingered”, “Vanilla Sky” and “Glitter” are among the nominees for this year’s “Golden Raspberry Awards”, handed out to the worst films of the year the day before the Oscars.)

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, a Website called YourNovel.com is selling personalized romance stories. You provide info about the couple: names, home town, hair & eye
colors, favorite music, etc and the site offers two versions of each story – ‘mild’, which features hugging and kissing, and ‘wild’, with more detailed love scenes (but no graphic or explicit language). Bet you can cop a couple of freebies for winning couples if you agree to read excerpts on-the-air.
NET: http://YourNovel.com
PHONER: 800-444-3356/919-878-0585 (Beach House Presentations, Raleigh NC)

Two of the following are ACTUAL recent tabloid headlines, while one is a total fake. But which?
GAME #1 –
• “Hubby Still Hears Dead Wife Through Her Pet Parrot!”
• “Two-Headed Dog Barks in Stereo!” (FAKE)
• “Ventriloquist Is In Coma But His Dummy’s Still Talking!”

GAME #2 –
• “Dead Hubby’s Ghost Breaks Wind & Burps To Keep Other Men Away From His Wife!”
• “Drunk Swallows Bowling Ball!”
• “Lisping Bank Robber Arrested in Thtick-Up!” (FAKE)

GAME #3 –
• “Mommy’s Boy Now Mommy’s Dad After Wedding Grandma!” (FAKE)
• “Haunted Toilet Paper Leaps Off the Roll!”
• “Face on Mars Has Acne!”

Q: What is a ‘dactylogram’?
a) A fingerprint.
b) A unit of measurement equalling one-tenth of a gram.
c) A picture of your ‘dactyl’.
A: A fingerprint.

An authority — someone who knows lots of things you don’t care about.

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