Monday, February 4, 2002 Edition: #2225
It’s Super Bull MMCCXXV!
BS SUPER SNICKER:
After the big Super Bowl party, [your co-host] figures he better spend some quality time with his wife. He stumbles upstairs, walks into the bedroom and crawls into bed. “Alright honey,” he says, “Give me a play you want me to run.” “How about foreplay?” his wife replies. “Huh, what’s the ‘four play’?” he asks. “You know,” the wife says, “It happens before the 2-minute warning.”
BS TITILLATINGLY TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• UK tabloid “Sun” claims Bruce Willis has gone bananas over “Planet Of The Apes” babe, Peterborough ON native Estella Warren – who is exactly half his age of 46. What’s weirder is they’ve been spotted on vacation together – with Bruce’s ex-, Demi Moore. Seems the lovebirds shacked up at a private Caribbean resort LAST WEEK — while Demi and the 3 Willis kids camped out just a few villas away.
• “E! Online” reports the following projects are being developed as Broadway musicals – the movies “Rocky”, “The Pink Panther” and “Moonstruck”, plus – we kid you not — “The Body Ventura”, a musical about the life of Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura as a pro-wrestler-turned-politician.
• “Star” magazine claims actress Daryl Hannah has ditched Val Kilmer after a 4-month fling because, according to her friends, he’s a ‘selfish jerk who doesn’t know how to treat women’. (We always knew he was a ‘bad actor’.)
• “NY Post” reports that Mike Tyson applied for a California boxing license FRIDAY in hopes of holding the much ballyhooed title fight with Lennox Lewis in Los Angeles. The application will be reviewed at a hearing later THIS MONTH. But by then, Mike may be fighting more time in the slammer – Las Vegas police have now recommended he be charged with sexual assault in 2 cases. Prosecutors and police reportedly met for 2 hours FRIDAY night to decide how and when to proceed with the charges.
• “National Enquirer” says it was South American drug lords linked to OJ Simpson that trashed his ex-girlfriend Christie Prody’s apartment and killed her cat in MID-JANUARY. Speculation is it was a warning for them to keep their lips sealed over what they know about suspects in a federal drug smuggling case.
• According to “Sun”, Tom Cruise has forced galpal Penelope Cruz to get rid of her cats. Seems the little man is allergic to pusses, so poor Penny had to pawn her pets off on her make-up artist when she moved into Tom’s Hollywood hovel. (Warning: If you say Tom’s allergic to felines, he’ll sue.)
• David Letterman quietly celebrated his 20th anniversary as a late-night host on FRIDAY’S “Late Show”. The “Hollywood Reporter” says Dave’s currently in talks with CBS-TV to extend his contract, which expires later THIS YEAR.
• The “Smoking Gun” Website has published a criminal complaint that was filed FRIDAY charging Winona Ryder with 4 felonies stemming from her famous December 12 shoplifting bust at Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills. She’s charged with one count each of grand theft, burglary, vandalism, and possession of a controlled substance, apparently a painkiller. Investigators claim Winnie used scissors to cut security tags off Saks merchandise worth more than $4000. She is scheduled to be arraigned this FRIDAY. (It could end up as a case of ‘Career, Interrupted’ by up to 3 years in jail.)
• And thanks to “Weekly World News” we find out — “Feds Set to Toss Millions of Americans Into Concentration Camps!”, “Stinky Demons Terrorize Poland!”, “Taking Your Dog’s Temperature Can Be Fun!”, “Fountain of Youth Found in NYC Subway Toilet!”, and we’re given this dire alien warning – “I’ll Land My UFO on Bourbon Street on Fat Tuesday!”.
A Vancouver police dog was given ‘mouth-to-snout’ resuscitation by its handler after stepping on an exposed electrical plate. The officer gave his German Shepherd the kiss of life after its heart stopped beating and it went unconscious. ‘Bear’ is said to be recovering well. (Afterward, the officer did NOT say it was a bit like kissing Sheila Copps.)
“Teletubbies”, the phenomenally successful kids TV show from Britain which has been sold in more than 100 countries, is about to crack the biggest TV market there is — China. Beginning NEXT MONTH ‘Tinky Winky’, ‘Dipsy’, ‘Laa Laa’ and ‘Po’ will be featured regularly on China’s state CCTV television, giving them a potential audience in the hundreds of millions. The show will be renamed “Tianxian Baobao” (‘Tee-ann-zhan bow-bow’ — Chinese for ‘Antenna Babies’) and the characters will become ‘Ding Ding’, ‘Di Xi’ (‘dee zee’), ‘La La’ and ‘Xiao Bo’ (‘zhow bo’). (In case that’s confusing you, that would make Ding Ding the gay one.)
A study in “American Health” magazine says many of us are suffering from a new syndrome called ‘techno loneliness’. Seems voice-mail, ATMs, e-mail and other technological gadgets of the moment are serving to isolate us from one another and leading to a society-wide tendency to avoid talking to others. (You know, in some cases this is a huge plus!)
A 48-year-old Slovenian became so angry when he was refused an appointment to see a psychiatrist that he ran out of the hospital and returned minutes later — in his car. After he drove through the glass doors and down a hallway to the reception desk, medical staff managed to calm him down until police arrived. Asked why he did it, he replied — “I don’t know, that’s why I came here.” (They should have known something was up when he told the receptionist, “I’ll be back.”)
REACH FOR THE MIDDLE:
Consumer studies show that most of us don’t buy the highest- or lowest-priced item, but settle for something in between. Companies take advantage of this ‘compromise effect’ to increase sales. For instance, one company increased profits on its automatic bread machines by creating a slightly larger version of its basic model, then jacking the price by 45%! (Maybe your station should start selling 38-second spots?)
In the UK there’s a 2-year-old who has taken up the game of golf. He’s said to be quite good. (Why would a 2-year-old want to play golf? He doesn’t even have a wife he needs to get away from!)
We’re waiting longer to wed. The average age of women getting married is now 27.3 years and for men 29.3 years. (Too bad the average age for giving birth is down to 13.)
A University of Michigan study confirms that marriage will settle you down. Researchers found the number of party animals reporting marijuana use and heavy drinking dropped by 33% after they were married. (‘Cause that’s when you’re conscience develops a voice — a big, LOUD voice.)
THE BULL SHEET 02.04.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1962  Clint Black, Long Branch NJ, country singer (“Still Holdin’ On”, “Nothin’ But the Taillights”)
1973  Oscar de la Hoya, Whittier CA, lightweight boxing champion
1975  Natalie Imbruglia, Sydney AUS, pop singer (“Torn”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY marks the “Halfway Point of Winter”. 45 days of winter have passed and the equivalent remain before the beginning of Spring. (Did we hear a giant sigh?)
TODAY is ”Thank A Letter Carrier Day”. (Yeah, thanks for the bills, dude.)
TODAY is the UN’s annual “Torture Abolition Day”. (In observance, tonight’s episode of “Ally McBeal” has been cancelled.)
TODAY “Sesame Street” kicks off its 33rd season with a special episode dealing with 9/11. It focuses on Elmo’s fears after he sees a grease fire break out at a lunch counter. (Set by Osama the Grouch.)
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2001 Jimmy Buffet is ordered by NBA referee to give up his court-side seat due to the use of profanity at game between Miami Heat and visiting NY Knicks
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1824  1st ‘rubber galoshes’ (giving mothers something to remind you to wear as you leave the house)
1920  1st ‘Snickers’ candy bars go on sale
1932  1st ‘Winter Olympic Games’ staged in the USA begin at Lake Placid NY
1957  1st ‘portable electric typewriter’ weighs in at 19 lbs (you’ll have to explain what this is to your kid) NOTE: The longest English word that can be typed (or keyboarded) using only the top row of letters is ‘typewriter’ (ironic, ain’t it?)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1982  ‘Indoor distance record for a paper airplane’ set at 47 meters/154 feet (Tacoma WA)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Weather Forecasters Day
[Wed] Dump Your Significant Jerk Day (just in time for Valentine’s)
[Wed] Pay a Compliment Day
[Thurs] Genie Awards
[Fri] Salt Lake City Winter Olympics opening
[Feb 9-24] 2002 Olympic Winter Games
[Sat] Carnival begins in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
[Sun] NFL Pro Bowl (Honolulu)
National Consumer Protection Week (always practise safe purchasing)
National School Counselling Week (“Perhaps you should look at a career in maintenance . . .”)
National Snack Food Month (we ate the entire month’s worth at the Super Bowl party)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS QUICK PICKS:
Q: You may have played with toy ‘Tonka’ trucks as a kid. Now Ford Motor Co has developed an adult-sized F-350 Tonka pickup truck. So what does the word ‘tonka’ mean?
c) big mother
A: The Sioux word ‘tonka’, adopted in 1947 as the name for the toy company, means ‘great’.
Q: It’s estimated that 4% of all women do not wear this. What?
A: 4% of all women do not wear underwear.
Q: In Hawaii, what do they call it when sulphuric fumes from volcanoes hang in the air?
A: It’s called ‘vog’.
COMMON 19TH CENTURY SLANG:
How did they sound cool in the 1800s? They said stuff like —
• ‘Seen the elephant’ — seen it all, got the T-shirt. [“That new locomotive can travel 50 miles per hour. Good heavens, I’ve seen the elephant!”]
• ‘Acknowledge the corn’ — admit shortcomings [“It is time to acknowledge the corn, Margaret. Your needlework cannot pass muster.”]
• ‘Biggest toad in the puddle’ — important person [“The mayor considers himself quite the muck-a-muck, biggest toad in the puddle.”]
• ‘A brick in his hat’ — drunk [“He attended the football match with a group of ne’er-do-wells and now he has a brick in his hat.”]
• ‘Cold as a wagon tire’ — dead [“I wouldn’t be brandishing that Colt, amigo or you’ll end up cold as a wagon tire.”]
• ‘Got the mitten’ — dumped by a sweetheart [“She allowed me to kiss her hand, but then I got the mitten.”]
• ‘Plug ugly’ — rowdy troublemaker [“Best you not provoke that gambler. He’s plug ugly!”]
• ‘Absquatulate’ — to leave or disappear [“You, sir have become a pain in the nether regions and I must ask you to absquatulate.”]
BS NAME GENERATORS:
There’s a bazillion so-called ‘name generators’ on the Web, but it’s more fun to do the calculations ‘manually’. That way all your listeners can play along. For instance to get –
• Your Porn Star Name = the name of your first pet + the name of the first street you ever lived on.
• Your Blues Singer Name = your mood during the holidays (be honest) + any US president’s last name.
• Your Punk Rock Band = a really goofy adjective (be creative) + any plural noun.
• Your Prison Bitch Name = a personality trait you admire + your mother’s 2nd name.
• Your Football Wide Receiver Name = Your father’s 1st name + ‘ette’ or ‘elle’ (depending which sounds better) + any common boy’s name + ‘son’.
• Your “Star Wars” Extra Name = a made-up silly word (be really creative) + a household object (repeated twice).
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What are the most annoying cliches used by sports announcers?”
• “What’s the best perk of your job? What freebies do you get?”
• “Have you ever been your spouse’s boss (or vice versa)?”
AND WE QUOTE:
“Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/So you don’t confuse them with mountains.” (Huh?)
–Shakira’s “Whenever, Wherever”
BS TAG LINE:
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
BS welcomes new subscriber Sanjeev Palar @ Radio 4 Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and samplers this week that include – CJ McIntyre @ WPKF Poughkeepsie NY, Kevin Day @ WXKQ Mayking KY, Kirk Mackinnon @ CHLQ Charlottetown PEI, Joe Edwards @ CJCD Yellowknife NT, Jeff Michaels @ CHAB Moose Jaw SK, and David Wright @ MIX 106.5 Sydney, Australia. Remember, we’ll bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new BS subscriber you refer!