Monday, February 5, 2001                                                    Edition:  #1984

BS SONGS BEING CONSIDERED FOR THE ELTON JOHN/EMINEM GRAMMY DUET:
• “The Not-So-Slim Shady”
• “Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting (And So’s Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday . . .)”
• “Rocket Stan”
• “(Black and) Blue Eyes”
• “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart (Or Legs)”

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• More legal hassles for Sean Puffy Combs — “E! Online” reports the woman who’s been renting his 8,000 sq ft Beverly Hills mansion for 25 grand a month has filed suit, claiming the joint is “infested with insects, rodents and vermin’. (An indignant Puffy responded, “Hey! That’s no way to talk about my posse!”)
• Justin Timberlake‘s ‘N Sync bandmates are becoming increasingly disgruntled with him hogging the spotlight. And if you believe “Star”, they’re blaming girlfriend Britney Spears for brainwashing him into thinking he can be a superstar on his own. (For more info, try a Web search under ‘Yoko Ono’.)
• “Spin” says forget about that much-talked-about  Britney Spears/Madonna duet. Even though Britney confirmed the rumored collaboration, Madonna’s publicist Liz Rosenberg tells the mag’s Website, “There was a brief discussion or two . . . but it didn’t work out. End of story.” (We can only hope!)
• “National Enquirer” claims to have ‘bombshell internal documents’ that prove Rev Jesse Jackson funnelled money to his now-famous mistress Karin Stanford from one of his nonprofit organizations. (Could that have been from the ‘PUSH’ fund?)
• “Star” says “Sex & the City’s” Golden Globe-winner Sarah Jessica Parker has discovered an unexpected side effect of going platinum blonde for a an upcoming movie role – her husband Matthew Broderick finds it a giant turn-on and can’t keep his hands off her! An odd consequence, considering the movie is called – and this is no BS – “Life Without Dick”.
• Rod Stewart‘s new album “Human” is out TOMORROW and you can bet he’s truly happy about that. Britain’s “Sun” tabloid exclusively reports that the 56-year-old wrinkle rocker quietly had an operation to remove a cancerous lump from his throat and ended up losing his singing voice for 9 months. (We thought that happened 30 years ago.)

VIRTUAL FASHION:
South Korean researchers have developed new software that designs clothes by allowing existing patterns to ‘mate’ and produce offspring clothes. Soon anyone with a computer will be able to create their own designs. (“Wow, is that a Versace?” “Nope, Hewlett-Packard.”)

TRUE CRIME:
• A gas station attendant in Elmont NY says he wasn’t scared when a man walked in last week with a toilet plunger stuffed under his coat, pretending it was a gun. (“Give me your money or I’ll touch you with the ICKY end!”)
• A German reptile collector has been fined for attempting to smuggle lizards out of New Zealand — in his underwear. (Customs officers became suspicious because he couldn’t stop smiling.)
• An 8-year-old Jonesboro AR boy was suspended from school for 3 days last week for pointing a breaded chicken finger at a teacher and saying, “Pow, pow, pow!” (Don’t laugh, it was loaded – with cholesterol.)

THE BULL SHEET 02.05.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934    [67] Don “Grapes” Cherry, Kingston ON, “Hockey Night in Canada” commentator (“Coach’s Corner”, since 1980)/former NHL coach (‘Coach of the Year’ with Boston Bruins 1975-76) NOTE: Get voice-clips of Grapes here http://cbc.ca/sports/hockey/hnic/coach.html then ‘interview’ him by editing together irrelevant ‘answers’ to your nonsense questions
1962    [39] Jennifer Jason Leigh, Hollywood CA, film actress (“eXistenZ”, “Single White Female”)
    1969    [32] Bobby Brown, Roxbury MA, Mr Whitney Houston since 1992/oft-arrested R&B singer (“Every Little Step”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Weatherperson’s Day”, commemorating the 1744 birth of Boston physician Dr John Jeffries, one of the first to keep detailed records of weather conditions [from 1774-1816].
BS SIGNS YOUR LOCAL TV WEATHER PERSON IS NUTS:
• ‘Satellite photos’ look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.
• Appears to have the first robin of Spring in his mouth.
• Seen checking into a cheap motel with a half-inflated weather balloon.
• The symbol on her weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger.
• He’s got a tropical storm in his pants!

FRIDAY Bill ‘El Wingador’ Simmons consumed a record 137 chicken wings in 30 minutes to win “Wing Bowl IX”, an annual all-you-can-eat Buffalo wing contest sponsored by a Philadelphia sports radio station. Some 20,000 spectators showed up to watch him beat off challenges by wacky-named competitors like ‘Belly Donna’, ‘Lower GI Joe’ and ‘Gaseous Maximus’ to win his 2nd title.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1901     [100] 1st ‘loop-the-loop centrifugal roller coaster’ (leads to invention of 1st ‘barf bag’)
1922    [79] 1st issue of “Reader’s Digest” (the original ‘show prep’ service)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1986    [15] Longest war in history ends as mayors of Rome and Carthage meet to sign treaty officially ending Third Punic War, which began in 149 BC — 2,131 years earlier!
1997    [04] Pittsburgh’s Mario Lemieux becomes 7th player to reach NHL’s exclusive 600-goal club

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Ronald Reagan turns 90
[Tues] Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
8 days till the Oscar nominations are announced
9 days till “Valentine’s Day”
About 29 days until ‘Mir’ space station crashes back to Earth
[This Week] I Hate Financial Planning Awareness Week
[Feb] Return Shopping Carts To The Supermarket Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:

• “Which female celeb has the sexiest legs?” (According to the just-released 7th annual “Hanes Hosiery Sexy Legs Survey” it’s Jennifer Lopez, just ahead of Faith Hill.)
• “What strange ‘Old Wives Tale’ have you heard for determining the sex of an unborn child?”

BS TAG LINE:
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 


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