Wednesday, February 6, 2008        Edition: #3705
Good Morning, Sheetheads!

Here’s an oddity thanks to the WGA writers’ strike – Canadian TV shows are getting exported to the US instead of the other way around, including “The Listener” (CTV/NBC) about a psychic paramedic; and “Flashpoint” (CTV/CBS), about a special-ops hostage rescue team . . . “Super Bowl 42“ attracted record ratings for the event in Canada, with circa 5.07 million viewers (all of which went to the can during Tom Petty’s yawn-worthy halftime performance) . . . “Super Bowl 42’s” 43.3% of households rating doesn’t beat the 1982 San Francisco-Cincinnati game (49.1%) but the average audience of 97.5 million ranks it as the Super Bowl with the most viewers ever (all of whom went to the can during Tom Petty’s yawn-worthy halftime performance) . . . Actresses Amy Adams, Jessica Biel, Emily Blunt, and Anne Hathaway have been named among “Vanity Fair” magazine’s ‘Fresh Faces of 2008‘ . . . ABC-TV has revealed the stud on the upcoming “Bachelor 12“ will be a 27-year-old ‘global financier’ from London named Matt Grant (women begin swooning over the guy with the accent MARCH 17th) . . . More than 4 years after his death, the family of actor John Ritter (“Three’s Company”) has initiated a $67-million lawsuit, claiming he’d still be alive if 2 doctors had recognized his heart abnormality and not treated it as a heart attack (considering his lame final sitcom “8 Simple Rules” … it was all for the best) . . . TV actress Courteney Cox (“Dirt”) has given her cycling-fan best-pal Jennifer Aniston a one-of-a-kind Chanel bicycle, priced at – whoa! – $12,000 (nice friend!) . . . Pop singer Janet Jackson has attacked her father Joe for cheating on her mom Katherine and having affairs when she was young, one resulting in a Jackson 5 fan birthing an illegitimate child (Mariah?) . . . And, just to show you how exciting show biz can be, celeb couple Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel have let it slip that they’re addicted to staying in at night and playing a competitive game of … Scrabble (but let’s keep that on the QT, eh?).

• Alanis Morissette – Word has it she’s compiling a personal scrapbook so she can publish a multimedia account of her life so far.
• Avril Lavigne – She’s been forced to renegotiate how much she pays backup dancers after talent agencies threatened to boycott auditions for her upcoming tour. Backup dancers? Remember when she was supposed to be punk?
• Big & Rich – They’re taking this year off so Big Kenny can heal from an old neck injury that has been causing him problems.
• The Eels – The cult rock band hoped to air a 1-second ad for their recent “Meet The Eels” compilation during the Super Bowl but were told the oddity couldn’t be accommodated as it would leave 29 seconds of precious air-time unsold (for sooth!). Had the $100,000 1-second spot been allowed, viewers would have only seen a single syllable. (The?)
• Led Zeppelin – Bassist John Paul Jones says the band has no idea about what their future plans might be. Translated: money promises aren’t yet big enough to announce a world tour.
• Michael Jackson – Latest word is he WILL appear at the “Grammy Awards” SUNDAY but he WON’T be singing. Not surprising … he hasn’t performed live in 7 years.
• Tom Jones – The 67-year-old Welsh crooner has just had his chest hair insured with Lloyd’s of London for close to $7 million. File this under ‘Ways to Get People Talking About You When You’re 30 Years Past Your Peak’. Or maybe just ‘Dumb’.

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – It’s the ‘Best of the Rest’ auditions. Expect lots of wackos.
• Fergie – She’s the “Clumsy” musical guest on “The View” (ABC/CTV).
• kd lang – She promotes her new album “Watershed” on “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV).
• Madonna – She’s teaming with Gucci for a fundraising event to benefit UNICEF and her Raising Malawi charity. The goal is to raise $2 million at a dinner/concert in a 42,000-sq-ft tent at UN HQ in NYC. Other performers include Alicia Keys, Nelly Furtado, Timbaland, and Rihanna.
• Paris Hilton – She’s going to Harvard … temporarily. She’ll accept the ‘Woman of the Year’ award from the Harvard Lampoon and address the student body. The ceremony comes just 2 days before the opening of her new film, “The Hottie & the Nottie”. Coincidence?
• Paula Abdul – She guests on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS). After lip-syncing her new single “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” during the Super Bowl pre-game show, she’s announced on her website that an entire album is coming THIS SUMMER, her first since 1995. It will reportedly be titled “Abdulmatic”. Sounds like a 1970s Buick transmission.

New terms leaking into the lingo …
• ‘Bridal Blindness Disorder’ – The temporary insanity that infests brides-to-be causing them to select god-awful bridesmaid dresses. (“You must be kidding. Bright orange minis, Danielle? Have you got BBD?”)
• ‘Googleganger’ – A person with the exact same name as you who keeps showing up when you Google yourself. (There’s another ‘Bull’ in India?)
• ‘Urban Browseline’ – The point on a wall above which a graffiti artist can not reach. (“Unfortunately, we don’t know exactly WHAT ‘sucks’ because the artist couldn’t reach above the U-B.”)

The traditional “Shrove Tuesday” pancake race in Ripon UK was cancelled YESTERDAY. Why? Worries over health and safety. Police charges to provide security proved prohibitive … $2,400 just to stand around and watch. But the main issue was the cobbled street that serves as the race course. Apparently it has just been discovered … people scurrying along it with a pancake in a frying pan might trip! The race has been run along that same route for more than 600 years. (More proof … we’re quickly becoming a species of overly fearful ninnies.)
– “Times of London”

• A 37-year-old Romanian burglar has been fingered by … the sausage he left behind. Cops used DNA evidence from a half-eaten slice of salami left at the scene of the serial robber’s  latest break-in to prove the felon’s identity. The light-fingered laggard was wanted in connection with a string of 19 burglaries. (This is one time that playing ‘hide the salami’ could have kept a guy OUT of trouble.)
• A Malaysian thief has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar … sort of. It seems he broke into a home and wolfed down all the delicacies the family had baked to celebrate “Chinese New Year” (TOMORROW). Then, feeling a bit logy, he promptly fell asleep. When the family returned, the 9-year-old son found the intruder out cold on his bed, clutching a stolen purse. (“Somebody’s been sleeping in my bed … and THERE he is!”)
• A lonely Japanese man has been arrested in Tokyo for allegedly calling directory assistance thousands of times because … he likes to be scolded by female operators. 37-year-old Takahiro Fujinuma has been charged with obstructing business. With his late-night calls sometimes exceeding 200 per night, phone operators have nicknamed him the ‘don’t-hang-up man’. (“Please, don’t hang up … give me a tongue lashing!”)

California-based Too Faced cosmetics has developed a lip gloss that purportedly has healthful qualities. Sold under the slogan ‘Always on the Lips, Never on the Hips’, Fuze Slenderize is said to contain a plant extract that helps reduce hunger and stop the body turning carbohydrates into fat. The formula also includes a mineral said to boost metabolism and an energy-giving amino acid. That’s a lot of health claims, but then, how else are they gonna get you to spend close to $20 on a tiny tube? Dissenting dieticians suggest those wishing to lose weight should pay attention to what goes in their mouths not on their lips. (Surprisingly, the stuff doesn’t help you quit smoking.)
– “China Daily”

• In Wales, 2 brothers have set up a church … for Jedis. 26-year-old ‘Master Jonba Hehol’ (Barney Jones) and 21-year-old ‘Master Morda Hehol’ (Daniel Jones) say their services will include sermons on ‘The Force’, light-sabre training, and meditation techniques. Although the current members are all male, females are not excluded. (If these geeks had any hope of female companionship, they wouldn’t be setting up a ‘Jedi Church’.)
• In Germany, a medical student visiting a zoo was called upon to perform impromptu mouth-to-mouth … on a tiger. She was passing the big-cat enclosure with her toddler son when she noticed a 4-month-old baby tiger who’d bitten off an oversized hunk of meat had begun choking and shaking and then fell over. After getting clearance from zookeepers, the doc-to-be adeptly performed CPR. (“Mommy, how come your breath stinks like dead goat carcass?”)
• Also in Germany, a baby has been dramatically thrown to safety from the top floor of a burning 4-story apartment block. By an unbelievable stroke of luck, the tot was caught by a firefighter, and apparently unharmed by the ordeal. (Unfortunately, the smoke-eater was so excited by his outstanding catch … he spiked it.)

5. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” … Nirvana
4. “One” … U2
3. “Sweet Child O’ Mine” … Guns N’ Roses
2. “BOB” (“Bombs Over Baghdad“) … Outkast
1. “Billy Jean” … Michael Jackson
– “Blender Magazine”

TODAY Britain’s National Theatre is staging the ‘World’s Longest Silent Play’. 27 actors playing 450 characters will silently tread the boards for 1 hour and 40 minutes. Austrian playwright Peter Handke said he was inspired to write “The Hour We Knew Nothing Of Each Other” while observing a packed Italian piazza. (… on Ecstasy.)
– “Telegraph”

For 3,000 years, hemp was the world’s largest agricultural crop. (And that’s the straight dope!)


1917 [91] Zsa Zsa Gabor (Sari Gabor), Budapest, Hungary, Hollywood actress/socialite best known for being famous (an earlier version of Paris Hilton, who happens to be her half-great-great niece)/married 9 times (including Conrad Hilton)/notoriously slapped a Beverly Hills cop after he pulled her over for a traffic violation (1989)

1950 [58] Natalie Cole, LA CA, pop singer (“Angel On My Shoulder”, “Unforgettable”) who’s won 6 Grammy Awards/daughter of late crooner Nat King Cole

1962 [46] Axl Rose (William Bruce Rose Jr), Lafayette IN, rock singer (Guns N Roses-“November Rain”, “Sweet Child O’ Mine”) who’s been working on the album “Chinese Democracy” for about 10 years now.

1962 [46] Richie McDonald, Lubbock TX, country singer (“Coming Home for Christmas”, ex-Lonestar-“Tell Her”)

• “Ash Wednesday”, marking the first day of Lent in the Western Christian liturgical year. For the devout it’s a season of spiritual discipline, cleansing, and fasting which occurs in the 40 days (excluding Sundays) before Easter. So what are you giving up for Lent? Cod liver oil?

• “Laugh & Grow Rich Day”, a reminder to employers that workers are more effective, tend to remember things better, and are more likely to stay in the same job when laughter abounds!

• “Pay-A-Compliment Day”, a day to focus on telling people how much we appreciate their presence in our lives.

• “Reggae Day”, in celebration of the spirit of the music made popular worldwide by Bob Marley, who was born on this day in 1945. (Died May 11, 1981.)

• “Waitangi Day” in New Zealand, commemorating the signing of a treaty in 1840 by a group of Maori chiefs and the British Government. (Likely a day of mourning for the aboriginals.)

2003 [05] ABC-TV’s “20/20” features the British TV documentary “Living with Michael Jackson” in which he admits he has ‘sleepovers’ with young boys

1932 [76] 1st ‘Olympic Dogsled Race’ as Canada and US participate in demonstration sport at Lake Placid NY (sure, the one event we could win and they discontinue it!)

1935 [73] All-time best-selling board game ‘Monopoly’ is 1st marketed, after inventor Charles Darrow sells it to Parker Bros for a royalty

1948 [60] Barbara Ann Scott wins our country’s 1st-ever gold medal in figure skating at the Winter Olympics in St Moritz, Switzerland (she becomes known as ‘Canada’s Sweetheart’)

1952 [56] Queen Elizabeth II ascends to the British throne (thereby assuring Helen Mirren of an Academy Award)

1971 [37] 1st golf game on the Moon (NASA astronaut Alan Shepard uses a 6-iron, whiffing on the first swing but finally driving 3 golf balls several hundred yards into the vacuum of space)

1998 [10] Washington National Airport is renamed Ronald Reagan National Airport, after US President Ronald Reagan

2006 [02] Stephen Harper is sworn in as Canada’s 22nd Prime Minister as the Conservatives officially take over power in Ottawa

1933 [75] Pacific hurricane generates record 112-foot wave (surf’s up … waaaayyyyy up!)

1989 [19] Largest crowd ever assembled as 15 million attend Hindu “Feast of Kumbh Mela” at Allahabad, India (unfortunately there are only 3 port-a-johns)

[Thurs] “Survivor Micronesia: Fans vs Favorites” debuts (CBS/Global)
[Thurs] Chinese New Year
[Thurs] Charles Dickens Day
[Thurs] Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbor Day
[Thurs] Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
[Thurs] Girls & Women in Sports Day
[Fri] 35th Annie Awards
[Fri] “Fool’s Gold”; “The Hottie & the Nottie”; “Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins” open in movie theaters
This Week Is … Salute to Hospitalized Veterans Week
This Month Is … International Boost Self Esteem Month


• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• I’ve been talking to my plants … can they die on purpose?
• What if you dream that you’re awake? Is that insomnia?
• Do lawyers charge $200/hour because everyone hates them anyway?
• Do advertisers root for overtime?
• Why do we say ‘funny as hell’? Is that where all the comedians go?

I always try to avoid cliche’s like the plague!

We tell you a new slang term from the UK, you try to decide what it means …
• ‘Humpy-Dumpy’
a. A camel.
b. A person who’s dressed unfashionably.
c. A one-night stand who takes your number but never calls you. [CORRECT]

• ‘Waxa’
a. Really good, excellent! [CORRECT]
b. Really bad, sucks!
c. Average, boring.

• ‘Window Licker’
a. A voyeur.
b. A nutcase. [CORRECT]
c. A person with a menial job.
– “The People”

Today’s Question: Experts say you can fall asleep up to 27% faster if you do THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wear socks to bed.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

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