Wednesday, February 21, 2007        Edition: #3472
Have Another Sheetload!

Australia’s Qantas Airways has now sacked 38-year-old flight attendant Lisa Robertson, who first denied she had a mile-high tryst with movie actor Ralph Fiennes, then proceeded to sell a graphic account of the encounter to a UK tabloid (now you’re really screwed, girl!) . . . There’s no doubt Hollywood A-listers George Clooney & Reese Witherspoon have been spotted on a dinner date, but what’s not known is whether he has romantic interest in her now that she’s single, or professional interest in her playing the lead in a rumored biographical film about his aunt, the late singer/actress Rosemary Clooney . . . Another Tinseltown twosome currently causing a kerfuffle – actor Chris Tucker (“Rush Hour”) & Grammy-winning neo-soul singer India.Arie, who’ve apparently been an item for a couple of months . . . “Survivor: Australia” runner-up Colby Donaldson has been signed to join Rachel Ray’s daytime TV show as “a regularly featured ‘content buddy’, dishing up details about what men really want . . . “Survivor: Cook Islands winner Yul Kwon says his $1-million prize is still sitting in a no-interest chequing account because he doesn’t know what to do with it (he has managed to offload 50-grand of the annoying stuff on charity called the Asian American Donor Program) . . . Even after receiving the $100,000 grand prize, “Project Runway 3” winner Jeffrey Sebelia says he’s totally broke as a result of paying off debts and has been forced to take a gig working on Paula Abdul’s upcoming movie, a live-action version of the popular Bratz dolls . . . “American Idol” host Ryan Seacrest says he’s too embarrassed to watch the “American Idol Rewind” repeats from the show’s 1st season that are currently airing in syndication (you won’t wanna look back at what followed either, bud) . . . And as we keep telling you, broadcast radio isn’t over with just yet, as evidenced by the necessity of the new merger between XM Satellite Radio & Sirius Satellite Radio (with a combined $1.6 billion debt, they’re the ones worried about survival!).

• Britney Spears – Apparently she’s not content with the ‘hair-free’ look; she’s been spotted sporting a green cap over a platinum blond wig at a party in West Hollywood’s Mondrian hotel. Meantime, she’s listed the $7.2-million, 6-bedroom Beverly Hills house that she only bought 2 months ago, now asking $7.5 million (are we strapped for cash as well as hair?). In other breathless Britney news: The eBay charity auction of her hair trimmings has been yanked abruptly for some unknown reason but has reappeared (with a million-dollar minimum) on its own website (NET:
• Gomez – TONIGHT the Brit band plays the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel).
• Hinder – TONIGHT the “Lips of an Angel” band guests on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• Ozzy Osbourne – At an HIV prevention charity event, his daughter Kelly has blurted out that an unnamed member of her family has the AIDS virus. Bets on whom, anyone?
• Papa Roach – TODAY they appear on “MTV Live” (MTV Canada).

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Attention Surplus Syndrome’ [‘ASS’] – The opposite of ‘ADD’, it’s a tongue-in-cheek new disorder that allows people to mysteriously reach their goals and complete their tasks. (We used to call it ‘focus’, people!)
• ‘Roofalanche’ – The sudden fall of snow and icicles from a roof in winter. It can be triggered by pulling off icicles from below. Fear-mongers warn that it can be lethal. (How embarrassing to be impaled with an icicle through the heart. Maybe that’s what the boss is suffering from?)
• ‘Surge Space’ – The extra space required (which usually doesn’t exist) to temporarily house employees, desks, inventory, etc, while a company renovates or expands its facilities. (“The good news is you have surge space in the warehouse. The bad news is you’re sharing a desk with ‘Dwight Schrute’”).

A coalition of astronauts, engineers and scientists says a $300-million space mission is needed to deflect an asteroid that’s set to pass dangerously close to Earth. What’s been tagged as ‘Apophis’ (after the Egyptian god of destruction) apparently has a 1-in-45,000 chance of striking Earth in the year 2036 on April 13th (well, of course!). Traveling at 28,000 mph it could release 80,000 times the energy of the Hiroshima atomic bomb. The group believes the UN should assume responsibility for the special mission which would use a vessel called a ‘gravity tractor’ to knock the asteroid off course. (That’ll never work … anyone who’s seen “Armageddon” knows what we need is Bruce Willis to fly up there and blow himself up with a nuclear weapon.)

Women who eat seafood while pregnant may be boosting their children’s IQ in the process, according to new research published in the science journal “Lancet”. The results of the study are surprising, say the authors, and contradict US and British recommendations that pregnant women should limit seafood and fish consumption to avoid potentially high levels of mercury. The study relied on mothers’ observations of their children’s development and their reports of their food intake while pregnant. Mercury is found in small concentrations in fish and seafood, but can accumulate in the body. High amounts can damage the human nervous system, particularly those in developing fetuses. On the other hand, fish and seafood are a major source of omega-3 fatty acids, essential to brain development. (Bottom line – go ahead and eat the stuff … we’re all gonna die when the asteroid hits anyway.)
– “Toronto Sun”

• Southampton NY police responding to a report of burst water pipes in a home have found the mummified body of the owner – dead for more than a year – sitting in a chair in front of a television. The TV was still on. (Let that be a lesson to you … never attempt to watch back-to-back episodes of “According to Jim”!)
• A South Pacific jungle tribe that worships Britain’s Prince Philip as a god is planning a gigantic celebration for his 86th birthday. The people of the island of Tanna have worshiped the prince for 50 years, believing him to be the son of an ancient spirit who inhabits a local mountain. They’re hoping he’ll attend a feast to mark the occasion JUNE 10th. (In fact, they’re hoping he’ll attend to BE the feast.)
• A Miami FL priest who has served several stints in jail and has the number ‘666′ tattooed on his body is claiming that he is Jesus reincarnated. Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda is known as ‘Daddy’ by his followers, who now number in the thousands. Dissenters say he is no more than a cult leader. (Hmm, ya think? Don’t drink the purple Kool-Aid, folks!)

A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 83% of us like to be asked for ID when we are out in public. (We think it proves we look young for our age.)
• 80% of the richest men in North America are clean shaven. (So 20% have hairy backs?)
• 38% of women think they are better looking than their partner. (Well let’s hope so. What guy looks in the mirror and wishes he married someone who looks like that?)
• 25% of us have written the words ‘Wash Me’ on someone else’s vehicle. (Likely about 99% have written it on our own.)
• 13% of people who visit Las Vegas end up at a pawnshop. (About the same number that end up in a morgue on “CSI”.)
• 1% of us watch TV in our garages. (That’s cuz 1% don’t have a doghouse for the wife to send them to.)

YESTERDAY residents of the medieval Italian town of Ivrea prepared for Lent in the same way locals have for centuries – pelting each other with oranges! The annual orange-throwing festival, known as the “Historic Carnival of Ivrea”, features teams of throwers outfitted in ornate uniforms heaving more than a million juicy oranges at volunteers as they ride around in carts trying to avoid the fruit bombs. (Somebody must have slipped vodka in the well!)
– “New York Times”

Researchers at the University of Wales have finally proven what you probably already knew … you don’t get as drunk on your favorite alcoholic drink as you do imbibing something unfamiliar. In experiments, scientists gave one sample group their customary drink and a 2nd sample group an alcoholic ‘blue peppermint’ mixture. Although everyone imbibed the same amount of alcohol relative to body weight in the same amount of time, the blue-peppermint concoction was proven to make people drunker. (Okay, you convinced us … where can we get the stuff? Wait a sec, isn’t this Scope mouthwash?)
– “Social Studies”

If the biblical Mary & Joseph made their journey from Nazareth to Bethlehem TODAY, they’d face at least 10 security checkpoints.
– “Harper’s Index”


1946 [61] Alan Rickman, London UK, movie actor (“Harry Potter” films, “Die Hard”)

1953 [54] William Petersen, Evanston IL, TV actor (‘Gil Grissom’ on “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” since 2000)

1955 [52] Kelsey Grammar, St Thomas, US Virgin Is, former TV actor (“Frasier” 1993-2004)/movie actor (“X-Men: The Last Stand”)

1958 [49] Mary Chapin Carpenter, Princeton NJ, country singer (“Shut Up and Kiss Me”, “I Feel Lucky”)

1963 [44] William Baldwin, Massapequa NY, one of the acting Baldwin brothers (“The Squid & the Whale”) but not the born-again loony; the one arrested for running around naked while high on crack-cocaine; or the one arrested recently for stealing an SUV

1971 [36] Eric Heatherly, Chattanooga TN, country singer (“Swimming In Champagne”, “Flowers On the Wall”)

1976 [31] Ryan Smyth, Banff AB, NHL forward (Edmonton Oilers, 2006 Olympic team)

1979 [28] Jennifer Love Hewitt, Waco TX, TV actress (‘Melinda Gordon’ on “Ghost Whisperer” since 2005)/movie actress (“Garfield”, “I Know What You Did Last Summer”)

1986 [21] Charlotte Church (Reed), Llandaff, Wales, pop/classical vocalist (“Call My Name”, “Dream a Dream”)

1989 [18] Corbin Bleu, Brooklyn NY, TV movie actor (‘Chad Danforth’ in “High School Musical”)

• “Ash Wednesday”, the beginning of the Lenten season on the Western Christian calendar, which lasts until the Easter Vigil. By tradition, the faithful ‘give up’ something they value during this time, such as a favored food. Yeah, we’re giving up liver for Lent.

• “Card Reading Day”, which either has something to do with tarot cards or getting around to reading all your Christmas cards so you can finally toss them out.

• “International Residence Hall Student Staff Recognition Day”, aka ‘Pay Back the Weasels Day’.

• “International Snack Food Month”. In a survey, 90% of respondents admit they are ‘snackers’. What’s the most unusual snack you’ve ever seen someone concoct?

• “Single Tasking Day”, a day to quit trying to do 17 things at once and focus on one thing at a time. It’s amazing how much less stress you’ll feel … and how much more you’ll accomplish.

• “UN International Mother Language Day”. We always found Latin was a real mother.

1997 [10] Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” becomes 1st debut single by a British group to top North American charts since The Beatles

1878 [129] 1st ‘Telephone Book’ is published (New Haven CT), containing no numbers, just a listing of the 50 people who have phones (users call the operator and ask for a name)

1931 [76] ‘Alka Seltzer’ goes on the market (the original ‘morning after’ pill)

1948 [59] NASCAR (National Association for Stock Car Racing) is founded

1983 [24] Donald Davis runs mile in record time of 6 minutes, 7 seconds … backwards!

[Fri] Canada Winter Games begin (Whitehorse YT)
[Fri] Curling is Cool Day
[Fri] Chili Day
[Fri] Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
[Sat] Spirit Awards (Los Angeles)
[Sat] 27th “Razzie Awards” (Los Angeles)
[Sun] 79th Academy Awards (Los Angeles)
This Week Is … International Friendship Week
This Month Is … Bird Feeding Month


Use ‘em all at once or one-at-a-time as your zodiac reading of the day …
• Aries – This week will be full of deja vu. This week will be full of deja vu.
• Taurus – Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
• Gemini – Your PowerPoint presentation is very exciting but it might have been a bit presumptuous submitting it for Academy Award consideration.
• Cancer – Either the stress of your job is causing hallucinations or everyone has turned into blue monkeys.
• Leo – You’ll finally discover a way out of your bad relationship. Unfortunately, it will require jail time and 3 faked deaths.
• Virgo – You’ll encounter new equipment at the office today. It’s called a pencil, and we’re sure you can still use it. Do not be afraid!
• Libra – You’ll discover that you need more than Windows Vista to send e-mail this week. A computer and Internet connection would be helpful as well.
• Scorpio – The party at the office this week is really your good-bye luncheon. Extra steps have been taken to ensure your departure. Avoid the potato salad.
• Sagittarius – You are struck by a spark of inspiration this week. That stack of papers on your desk won’t disappear by just staring at it … you’ll need a butane torch to finish that job.
• Capricorn – Your knowledge of Gary Glitter songs won’t win you any friends, but don’t give up. You’re his last fan.
• Aquarius – Remember, people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. It’s okay to throw mashed potatoes, however.
• Pisces – Buried alive, eaten by a shark, decapitated with a sword. Pick 2.

Inventor Robert Adler has just died at age 93. What is he best known for co-inventing, for which devoted couch potatoes should be truly thankful?
a. La-Z-Boy recliner chair.
b. TV remote control. [CORRECT. He and co-worker Eugene Polley developed the wireless TV remote while employed by the Zenith electronics company in 1956.]
c. Adult diapers.
– “Washington Post”

Which TV reality show is totally burnt out and needs to be dumped? (Among those sliding in the ratings: “Amazing Race”; “Survivor”; “The Apprentice” … come to think of it, most of them!)

Today’s Question: Experts in online dating advise that if you want to get a lot of dates you shouldn’t do THIS in your picture.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Pose with your pet.

The face of a child can say it all … especially the mouth part of the face.

Printer Friendly Version