Tuesday, February 1, 2011        Edition: #4437
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

27-year-old British actor Henry Cavill (remember him in “Blood Creek”? … didn’t think so) has been cast as the new ‘Superman’ in the upcoming 6th instalment of the movie franchise, “Superman: Man of Steel” (how come all the big superheros are now played by Brits?) . . . Spanish actor Javier Bardem (“No Country For Old Men”) has reportedly been offered a role in the as-yet-unnamed upcoming 23rd ‘James Bond’ film, sparking rumors he’s set to play a villain (he could just reprise his Oscar-winning role as ‘Anton Chigurh’) . . . Meantime, Oscar-winning composer John Barry, the man behind many of the iconic ‘James Bond’ theme tunes, has passed away at age 77 (you remember him, the guy who wrote ‘Dum de dum dum, de dum de, dum de dum dum …’) . . . “Sesame Street” writer Tony Geiss (“Elmo’s Song”) has also died, at age 86 (22 “Daytime Emmy Awards” for screenwriting & songwriting during his 30 years on the show) . . . Movie star Keira Knightley (“Pirates Of the Caribbean” films) admits in “Elle” magazine she’s hopeless at socializing because she’s ‘paralyzed with shyness’ (actually a fairly common show biz affliction) . . . Kacey Jordan, one of the porn stars Charlie Sheen was partying with last week, claims he gave her a check for $30,000 during his infamous 36-hour binge, which she promptly cashed (nice to see he’s not wasting his fortune) . . . David Arquette (Mr Courteney Cox) has been released from rehab after seeking help for ‘alcohol & other issues’ and 18-year-old actress/singer Demi Lovato is also back in the wild after confronting ‘emotional & physical issues’ (is there some sort of rehab quota that has to be met by show biz people?) . . . And actress Gwyneth Paltrow tells “Harper’s Bazaar” she considered scrapping her pretentious lifestyle website Goop.com after it was bombarded with negative comments but later changed her mind, deciding ‘Who cares what some lame person out there says?’ (indeed).

• “Academy of Country Music Awards” – This morning Miranda Lambert & Ronnie Dunn announce the nominees for the 46th annual honors, to be handed out April 3rd (CBS).
NET: http://www.acmcountry.com/home/index.php
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Peter, Bjorn & John (“Gimme Some”, due in March).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Jamie Foxx (“Best Night of My Life”).
• “Juno Awards” – Today nominees for the 40th annual Canadian music awards are announced, to be presented March 27th in Toronto (CTV).
NET: http://junoawards.ca
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Interpol (“Interpol”).
• “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS) – George Clinton (“Take It To the Stage”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Todd Rundgren (“Short Johnson”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/Omni) – The National (“High Violet”).
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – The Thermals (“Personal Life”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – One EskimO (“One Eskimo”).

• Bruno Mars – He’s reportedly set to make a deal with Las Vegas prosecutors whereby he’ll plead guilty to felony cocaine possession in order to avoid jail time for his September bust at the Hard Rock Hotel.
• Melissa Etheridge – Tonight she begins a 1-week engagement on Broadway in “American Idiot”, taking over the role of ‘St Jimmy’ from Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong.
• Montgomery Gentry – This week they’re returning from an 8-day USO Entertainment tour of Japan & Korea. Docs say Eddie Montgomery’s recent bout with prostate cancer is over, with no chemo or radiation therapy required.
• Queen – Brian May has thrown his support behind a campaign against real estate mogul Donald Trump’s controversial $1 billion-plus golf course resort planned for Aberdeen, Scotland, saying he’s disgusted nearby residents may be forced to move to make way for the venture.
• Ricky Martin – Today he releases his first new album in 6 years, “Musica+Alma+Sexo”. The project is English/Spanish bilingual.

• “Conviction” ( R-Rated Bio-Drama ): Hilary Swank plays a high school dropout and single mom who spends nearly 2 decades putting herself through law school in order to overturn her brother’s unjust murder conviction. Co-stars Sam Rockwell, Melissa Leo. Based on a true story.
• “Let Me In” ( R-Rated Horror Thriller ): Kodi Smit-McPhee plays a bullied 12-year-old who builds a tentative friendship with his mysterious new neighbor (Chloe Moretz), who turns out to be a vampire. A remake of the 2008 Swedish film “Let the Right One In”.
• “Monsters” ( R-Rated Sci-Fi Thriller): A NASA probe returning to Earth with samples of an alien life-form crashes over Central America. Soon afterward, new beings begin to appear and half of Mexico is quarantined as an infected zone. Also comes in a ‘2-Disc Special Edition’.
• “Welcome To the Rileys” ( R-Rated Drama ): James Gandolfini & Melissa Leo play a couple who’ve grown apart since losing their teen daughter 8 years previously. But they find inspiration to renew their marriage when they cross paths with a 17-year-old runaway (Kristen Stewart).
• Also released today: “Airwolf: Season 4” (Vintage TV); “Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2” (Straight-to-Video Comedy); “Mean Girls 2” (TV Movie Sequel); and “The Tillman Story” (Documentary).

A look at life by the numbers …
• 82% of us sing in the car.
• 75% of today’s kids get driven to school, compared to just 15% in 1961.
• 58% of high school students would rather be named ‘life of the party’ than ‘valedictorian’.
• 40% of pet owners keep a picture of their pet in their wallet or purse.
• 20% of us have never flossed our teeth.
• 4% of singles worry about what underwear to wear on a first date.

• Japanese toy manufacturer WiZ has just released the ‘Charatter’ bear, a toy that reads your incoming Twitter feeds in a shrill, grating voice. You might think that sounds like a quick recipe for aggravation but WiZ says sales of the gizmo are off the heezy. (At $28 it’s not exactly the cheapest way to drive yourself insane.)
– Techi.com
• Thankfully the folks at Joy understand your need to play ‘Angry Birds’ while stuck in traffic so they’ve designed a car mount for your iPad. Their $150 carbon-fiber device puts your beloved iPad within arms’ reach from the driver’s seat, making it a hands-free iPad zone. (Also making it easy to pinpoint your location when calling for help after slamming into an overpass abutment.)
– CoolMaterial.com
• The Polk County Library system in Florida has introduced library vending machines. The machines are placed in areas where there is no local library. People can go to the machine, swipe their library card and check out  a book. (Brilliant! And far less fattening than a bag of Doritos!)
– CFnews13.com

China is planning to create the world’s largest city, a massive municipality that will cover over 16,000 square miles, 26 times larger than Greater London UK. It will be home to 42 million, which means if it was its own country, it would replace Argentina as the 32nd largest in the world. This megacity is only 6 years away from being realized because it already exists … sort of. The idea is to merge all 9 cities around the Pearl River basin and connect their utilities, communications, and rail lines. That includes the cities of Guangzhou and Shenzhen, which are the 2nd & 3rd largest cities in China, with populations of 11.7 million and 8.9 million respectively. The new city is yet to be named. (‘Hell’?)
– Reuters.com

• It’s slingshot pot! Drug smugglers have discovered a new approach to getting marijuana across the Arizona-Mexico border … a catapult. Mexican authorities have found a 10-ft-tall (3-m) catapult on a towed flatbed about 65 ft (20 m) from the security fence. The device is capable of launching 2 kilos at a time. (“Oh wow man, it’s falling from the sky. This must be heaven!”)
– AP
• Feeling a bit cooped up? The newest hotel in Cornwall, England only takes … chickens. The aptly-named Chicken Hotel which recently opened for business is designed to give chicken owners a place to check-in their birds while away from home. (The cost is minimal … chicken feed, actually.)
NET: http://bit.ly/hHQdJv
– ThisisCornwall.co.uk
• Bomb-sniffing pansies? Colorado State University researchers have developed plants that subtly change color when exposed to minute amounts of TNT in the air. It’s hoped the technology will eventually help protect public areas as well as troops in the field. (“Please have photo ID and your boarding pass ready and walk past the rhododendrons.”)
– “New York Times”

These are real – honest – but really, really strange …
• ‘Cat Butt Magnets’ ($10.99)
• ‘DIY Gastric Bypass’ ($263.95)
• ‘Make Your Own Dildo Kit’ ($56.66)
• ‘50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products In a Manly Manner’ ($11.01)
• ‘The Ancient Art of Strangulation [Kindle Edition]’ ($9.99)
• ‘How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Every Day’ ($14.48)
– Buzzfeed.com

Dinesh ‘Maximouth’ Upadhyaya, a teacher in Mumbai, India, now holds the Universal Record Database record for ‘Most Pencils Fit in Mouth at Once’ by cramming in … 92 of them. He also holds records for ‘Most Finger Snaps in One Minute’ and ‘Most Chemical Symbols From The Periodic Table Of Elements In a Single Tweet’. (After hearing about these grand accomplishments, don’t you feel your life is so wasted?)
– Urlesque.com

• February 1965 is the only month in recorded history not to have a Full Moon.
• The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Pharoh Ramses II, who fathered over 160 children.
• The first toilet ever seen on TV was on “Leave it to Beaver”.
– “Totally Random & Useless Facts”


1950 [61] Mike Campbell, Odessa TX, lead guitarist/mandolinist (Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers-“Into The Great Wide Open”, “Free Fallin’”)

1968 [43] Lisa Marie Presley, Memphis TN, Elvis Presley’s idle rich daughter/wannabe singer (“In The Ghetto”, “Lights Out”)/Mrs Michael Lockwood since 2006/ex-Mrs Nicolas Cage (2002)/ex-Mrs Michael Jackson (1994-96)/ex-Mrs Danny Keough (1988-94)

1969 [42] Patrick Wilson, Buffalo NY, rock drummer (Weezer-“Perfect Situation”, “Beverly Hills”)

1971 [40] Michael C Hall, Raleigh NC, TV actor (“Dexter” since 2006)/survivor of Hodgkin’s lymphoma

1975 [36] Big Boi (Antwan Patton), Savannah GA, hip-hop artist (Outkast-“The Way You Move”, “Ms Jackson”)/sometime movie actor (“Who’s Your Caddy?”, “Idlewild”)

• “Give Kids a Smile Day”, when dental students provide free oral health care & education to children in their communities.

• “International Year of Chemistry” begins, as proclaimed by the UN to celebrate its contributions to the well-being of humanity. 2011 is the centennial of the Nobel Prize in Chemistry going to Marie Curie for her work on radioactivity, and also the 100th anniversary of the founding of the International Association of Chemical Societies.

• “Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month” as declared by the Food Retailers Association. Shopping carts cost more than $100 apiece and the Food Marketing Institute estimates 1.8 million of them are taken from supermarkets in North America each year. Who pays for this? You do, because it means your food ends up costing more.

• “Spunky Old Broads Day”, dedicated to the saying ‘old girls just wanna have fun’. Spunky old broads are positive, fun, butt-kicking mature women over the age of 50 who refuse to sit back quietly and get old. Who’s the spunkiest famous old broad? Betty White?

• “Working Naked Day” … naw, it’s not what you think. It refers to those who work at home, ‘stripped of all of the support of the corporate workplace’. So much for that mental picture.
NET: http://bit.ly/dCg5Wp

2004 [07] In the infamous ‘Super Bowl Wardrobe Malfunction’, Justin Timberlake rips Janet Jackson’s top during the halftime show, exposing her breast (which becomes the excuse for a year of excruciating media censorship)

1964 [47] Governor of Indiana declares “Louie, Louie” by the Kingsmen ‘obscene’ (an ensuing FCC investigation disagrees, only finding it ‘unintelligible’)

1898 [113] 1st ‘Auto Insurance’ issued as Dr Truman Martin of Buffalo NY pays $11.25 for $5,000 in liability coverage (next day the company notifies him that his rates will triple because he had a fender bender)

1979 [32] Beginning of ‘Coldest Month’ ever recorded in Canada (an average temp of -47.9 C at Eureka NT)

[Wed] Groundhog Day
[Wed] Crepe Day
[Wed] Girls & Women in Sports Day
[Wed] Sled Dog Day
[Thurs] Chinese New Year
[Fri] World Cancer Day

Catholic Schools Week / Children’s Authors & Illustrators Week / International Hoof Care Week / International Networking Week / Snow Sculpting Week / Patient Recognition Week / School Counseling Week / Women’s Heart Week


• When Ashton Kutcher wins something … anything.
• When there’s an actual music award for ‘Artist Whose CD Is Easiest to Open’.
• When there’s a satellite hookup to winners who are currently incarcerated.
• When an award goes to … another awards show.
• When, thanks to acceptance speeches, you’ve become more familiar with Natalie Portman’s family tree than your own.
• When “Jersey Shore” picks up a trophy for ‘Best Regurgitation by Orange-Colored Hos’.
• Whenever the words ‘Dick Clark’ appear in the credits.
• When there’s an award for ‘Best Song About Getting Drunk & Kicking a Tractor Tire’.
• When the best person they can find to present the music award for ‘Rap’ is Lloyd Robertson/Regis Philbin.
• When after 15 minutes you find you’d rather be watching the Leafs/“The Biggest Loser”.
– From an idea at mikestopfive.com

How do you cancel an appointment at the Sperm Bank? It’s simple, you just call them up and tell them you can’t come.

Here’s a handy little chart that helps you decide when you’re too sick to go to work, based on symptoms …
NET: http://bit.ly/faE7B9

How much time do you waste while on-the-job? (According to a poll cited by MyModernMet.com, the average worker admits to frittering away 3 hours per 8-hour workday, not including lunch and scheduled breaks.)

Today’s Question: The majority of women say THIS would cause them not to marry a guy.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: If he was shorter.

One of the privileges of old age is to tell stories that nobody believes and give advice that nobody follows.

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