Monday, February 11, 2013        Edition: #4923


We’re on hiatus during BS beach week February 18-22 inclusive. Subscribers will receive account credits in lieu of service.

• NBC-TV’s plan to revamp its comedy “Up All Night” has suffered a major blow as the show’s star Christina Applegate has announced she’s leaving the Lorne Michaels-produced project. Quote: “The show has taken a different creative direction and I decided it was best for me to move on to other endeavors.” (BS translation: I’m ticked that I’m getting less camera time.)
• Actor Mark Wahlberg prompted a Twitter storm Friday after appearing seemingly drunk during a guest shot on Britain’s “Graham Norton Show” to promote his new movie “Broken City”. As he clutched a glass of red wine, he hugged and flirted with fellow guest Sarah Silverman, and at one point climbed onto host Norton’s lap. (Before social media, you could pull these kind of stunts and hardly anyone ever heard about it. Not now.)
• The new literary genre ‘fanfic’ (fan fiction, written as an homage to a previous work) is not going away. EL James’ “50 Shades of Grey”, which began as a sort of “Twilight” salute, opened the door and became a worldwide smash. Now Christina Lauren’s “Beautiful Bastard” is poised to cash in. The author is actually 2 people – Christina Hobbs & Lauren Billings – who landed a book deal after their fanfic about a kinky businessman and his sexy intern became popular online. Renamed and given sexy new packaging, the erotic novel is about to hit bookstores. (Let’s hope that, unlike “50 Shades”, the writing is above 3rd-grade level.)
• Move over, Hugh Grant. David Walton has been tapped to star in NBCTV’s new comedy pilot “About A Boy”, based on the 2002 film and novel by Nick Hornby. Written by “Parenthood” and “Friday Night Lights” creator Jason Katims, the comedy will center on a ‘bachelor man-child’ and his next door neighbor, who happens to be a young boy. (Movies don’t usually adapt well to TV … oh, except for “Parenthood” … and, oh yeah, “Friday Night Lights”.)
• And 64-year-old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has proposed Hawaii Senate Bill 465 – now dubbed the ‘Steven Tyler Act’ – which would provide a legal remedy for celebrities who are photographed while engaged in ‘personal or familial activity’ and have a reasonable expectation of privacy. As a frequent visitor to the state, Tyler says the paradise of Hawaii is a magnet for celebrities who should be entitled to a peaceful vacation. His lobbying is proving successful; the bill is already being endorsed by two-thirds of the State Senate. (Get this guy to Washington!)

• “BET Honors 2013” (BET) – Actress Gabrielle Union hosts this pre-taped gala at Washington DC’s  Warner Theatre. Among those receiving honors: Actress Halle Berry, and Grammy Award-winning singer Chaka Khan. Performers include Alicia Keys.
• “Chelsea Lately” (E!) – Tim McGraw (“Two Lanes Of Freedom”).
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Ed Sheeran (“+”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Family Of the Year (“Loma Vista”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Gary Allan (“Set You Free”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Avett Bros (“The Carpenter”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Far East Movement (“Dirty Bass”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Colbie Caillat (“All Of You”); Gavin DeGraw (“Sweeter”).
• Westminster Dog Show (NYC) – Today & tomorrow the 137th edition of one of the world’s most prestigious canine competitions is based at Madison Square Garden. The event is famous for its annual ‘Best in Show’ award.

• Airbourne – The Aussie rockers have teamed with Six Flags Entertainment on the first-ever original song created for … a roller coaster. The track “Live it Up” will be unveiled this Spring at the grand opening of the ‘Full Throttle’ ride at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California.
• The Band Perry – This week they’re atop the ‘Billboard Country Songs’ chart with “Better Dig Two”.
• Blake Shelton – This morning on NBC-TV’s “Today”, he offers up the premiere of his new video “Sure Be Cool If You Did”. He’ll also announce details on his upcoming album release. We already know his “Ten Times Crazier Tour” starts July 19th in Virginia Beach, Virginia.
• Bruce Springsteen – Friday night during the LA gala honoring him as MusiCares Person Of the Year, he boosted the value of a signed guitar being auctioned for charity by throwing in a guitar lesson, a ride in the sidecar of his Harley, and a lasagne made by his mom. That jacked up the winning bid to $250,000.
• Chris Brown – Saturday he crashed his Porsche into a wall in Beverly Hills CA, telling cops  he was trying to elude aggressive paparazzi. The crash came on the eve of the Grammy Awards, almost exactly 4 years after he assaulted Rihanna the night before the 2009 awards.
• Emeli Sandé – Tonight the Brit singer-songwriter (“Our Version of Events”) continues her onslaught of America with a free “Myspace LIVE” concert streaming online from Los Angeles. Sandé leads all artists with 4 nominations for the “2013 BRIT Awards” (ITV) on February 20th.
• Justin Bieber – He reportedly vomited during rehearsals for his gig hosting this weekend’s edition of NBC-TV’s “Saturday Night Live”. (A foreshadowing of audience reaction?)
• Justin Timberlake – He’s just been named ‘Creative Director’ for Bud Light Platinum. (These fancy titles are getting tossed around a lot lately. BS translation: He’s appearing in beer ads.)
• Mariah Carey – She’s recorded the new song “Almost Home” for the soundtrack of the movie “Oz: The Great & Powerful”. The upcoming Disney prequel to “The Wizard Of Oz” stars James Franco. It opens in movie theaters March 8th.
• One Direction – A trailer for their upcoming 3-D movie (due August 30th) wraps with “1D3D” flashing on the screen, possibly hinting at the title of the film.

• 85% of all cards purchased for Valentines Day are bought by women. (Who spend an average of about 45 minutes selecting the ‘right’ one.)
• 73% of all flowers sold on Valentines Day are purchased by men. (“Oops, I forgot! Luckily I can just pop into the florist on the way home.”)
• 64% of men admit they do not make plans in advance for Valentines Day. (“Sorry we can’t go out, hon’. Seems like every restaurant is booked solid.”)
• 39% of couples say Valentines Day is ‘important’ to their relationship. (Likely because about 39% got married on Valentines Day.)
• 3% of pet owners will buy their pet a Valentines Day gift. (It’s unknown what segment of that number involves lingerie.)
– Sourced from TTP

In the new book, “The Genius of Dogs: How Dogs are Smarter Than You Think”, canine intelligence researchers Brian Hare & Vanessa Woods explain that dog barks can vary in timing, pitch, and amplitude, perhaps to communicate different meanings. Among the distinguishable variations of vocalization they’ve identified …
✓ Food Growl – A warning to others, both canine and human, to stay away from their grub.
✓ Stranger Growl – A sign of apprehension at the approach of someone unknown.
✓ Alone Barks – May be a sign the pooch is seeking company and looking for a response.
✓ Play Barks – A sign of excitement and enthusiasm.
✓ Aggressive Barks – A warning the dog is about to attack a perceived enemy.
(Now all you need to do is figure out which are which and Bob’s your uncle.)

Back in November, the USA’s cable-TV Weather Channel announced a list of names that would be assigned to ‘noteworthy Winter storms’ during the 2012-2013 season, in the style usually reserved for hurricanes. The theory is that a storm with a name is easier to follow, which leads to fewer surprises and more preparation. Thus, the ‘historic’ blizzard that thumped Eastern Canada and the Northeast US over the weekend has been dubbed ‘Nemo’. The National Weather Service does not endorse the idea and has asked that forecasters not use names. Up next on the list: ‘Orko’, ‘Plato’, ‘Q’, and ‘Rocky’. (A good idea or just a goofy gimmick?)

• Cincinnati OH – When Withrow High School’s principal found out that seniors were planning a massive water balloon fight at lunch, she made them choose between that and prom. Guess which students chose? They picked warfare! After over 150 students were involved in a massive balloon battle, the principal stuck to her guns and cancelled prom. Interestingly, she’s only received 3 phone calls from parents upset about the issue. (In hindsight, you’d likely have fonder memories of a hilarious balloon bash than an awkward dance, no?)
• Sault Ste Marie ON – Over the weekend, a local police officer who went in pursuit of a pickup truck after spotting the driver talking on a cellphone (misdemeanor #1), then noticed that the driver clumsily switched seats with his passenger, a much smaller female, while the vehicle was still moving (misdemeanor #2), causing the vehicle to swerve all over the road (misdemeanor #3). When the vehicle was finally pulled over, it was found the 25-year-old originally at the wheel had a suspended driver’s license (misdemeanor #4). The 4-time loser is scheduled to appear in court March 25th. (Unfortunately he wasn’t DUI, thereby completing the quinfecta.)
– QMI Agency
• Okuizumo, Japan – The residents of this Japanese town have asked that a replica of Michelangelo’s famous statue David be fitted with … underpants. The 16-ft (5 m) statue has erected in a park where it towers over those visiting nearby recreational facilities. A town official admits it’s ‘frightening children and worrying adults with its nakedness’. The statue was donated by a local businessman, along with a replica of the Venus de Milo. (Oh oh! Bring on the bra!)

A high-profile campaign has been launched in Kentucky to change that state’s official slogan from ‘Unbridled Spirit’ to … ‘Kentucky Kicks Ass’.
–BBC News


1936 [77] Burt Reynolds, Waycross GA, movie actor (“Dukes of Hazzard”, “Smokey & the Bandit” films)/Emmy Award-winning TV actor (“Evening Shade” 1990-94)

1962 [51] Sheryl Crow, Kennett MO, pop singer (w/Kid Rock-“Picture”, “All I Wanna Do”)

1969 [44] Jennifer Aniston, Sherman Oaks CA, movie actress (“Just Go With It”, “The Break-Up”)/former TV actress (“Friends” 1994-2004)/ex-Mrs Brad Pitt (2000-05)

1977 [36] Mike Shinoda, Agoura CA, rock singer-songwriter (Linkin Park-“Numb”, “In the End”)

1979 [34] Brandy (Norwood), Macomb MS, pop singer (w/Monica-“The Boy Is Mine”, “Have You Ever?”)/TV personality (“Dancing With the Stars” 2010, “America’s Got Talent” 2006)

1981 [32] Kelly (Kelendria) Rowland, Atlanta GA, pop singer (w/Nelly-“Dilemma”, Destiny’s Child-“Lose My Breath”)

1992 [21] Taylor Lautner, Grand Rapids MI, movie actor (“Twilight Saga” films).

• “Clean Out Your Computer Day”, observed annually on the 2nd Monday in February to encourage you to clear out the cobwebs and dump the dross from your machine.

• “Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day”, an annual reminder that everyone screws up now and then. It’s a day to  be optimistic, think positive, look on the bright side, and find something good in whatever happens.

• “Inventors Day”, honoring the birth of inventor Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931), who single-handedly patented some 1,200 inventions.

• “Pro Sports Wives Day”, the 8th annual declared by the Professional Sports Wives Association. In the US alone, there are some 500,000 married to pro athletes and coaches.

• “Satisfied Staying Single Day”, for those who choose to live independently and are quite happy doing so, thank-you every much.

1963 [50] The Beatles record 10 tracks in a single day, including “I Saw Her Standing There”, “Do You Want To Know a Secret”, and “Twist & Shout”

2012 [01] On the eve of the Grammy Awards, singer Whitney Houston accidentally drowns in her bathtub at LA’s Beverly Hilton Hotel due to effects of chronic cocaine use and heart disease

1948 [65] The ‘La-Z-Boy’ chair is invented (men worldwide immediately grow a ‘spare tire’)

2011 [02] The 1st wave of the Egyptian revolution culminates in the resignation of president Hosni Mubarak after 18 days of protests

1977 [36] ‘Heaviest Known Crustacean’ is caught off Nova Scotia, a 44.5-lb (20.2-kg) lobster which measures 3.5 ft (1 m) from claw-tip to tail-fan (and requires 13 lbs of liquified butter)

[Tues] Mardi Gras (aka Pancake Day, Shrove Tuesday, Fat Tuesday)
[Tues] Extraterrestrial Visitor Day
[Wed] “A Good Day to Die Hard” opens in movie theaters
[Wed] Lent begins (Christian)
[Wed] Get a Different Name Day
[Thurs] Valentines Day

Celebration of Love Week / Children of Alcoholics Week / Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week / Funeral Service Education Week / Green Week / Have a Heart For a Chained Dog Week / International Condom Week / International Flirting Week / Jell-O Week / Love a Mench Week / Pancake Week / Random Acts of Kindness Week / Risk Awareness Week


Highlight bits culled from 19 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
• “You make me so excited, I just can’t hold my bladder.”
• “Thinking of you, sweetheart! Which, technically, the court order can’t prevent.”
• “I wanna be close to you like a leech on an abrasion.”
• “Just wanted to say ‘I love you’ when I wasn’t falling-down drunk.”
• “If only we weren’t so closely related!”
• “You’re too beautiful to resist, my under-the-ether dental patient.”
• “I want you like a dog wants a muscular leg.”
• “The medicated shampoo took care of it.”
– First published in “BS” 2011.

There were actually 2 Saint Valentines, both martyred in the 3rd century. One of them was beheaded by Roman Emperor Claudius II for having the nerve to marry young couples when forbidden. But are you familiar with these less famous saints?
✳ Saint Francis the Sissy, Provider of Comfortable Shoes
✳ Saint Mario, Patron Saint of Videogames
✳ Saint Nicole, Patron Saint of Botox
✳ Saint Misbehavin’, Patron Saint of Jazz
✳ Saint Gaga, Patron Saint of Bad Fashion
✳ Saint Elmo, the Ticklish
✳ Saint Consuela of Gangnam, Patron Saint of Those With 2 Left Feet
– First published in “BS” 1997.

☎ What are some things you don’t wanna hear on a Monday?

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Question: People who do THIS job see a 30% bump in business right around Valentines Day.
Answer: Divorce lawyer.

Those who do the most usually demand the least.

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