Thursday, February 14, 2013        Edition: #4926

Happy Valentines Day, For Sheet’s Sake!

“NY Post” reports that comedian/actor/banjo picker Steve Martin has become a first-time father – at the age of 67 – he & wife Anne Stringfield (41) somehow managing to keep it under wraps since December (on Show & Tell Day in kindergarten, the kid can take his 72-year-old dad) . . . In somewhat less icky news, 54-year-old actor Alec Baldwin’s yoga teacher-wife Hilaria Thomas (28) has confirmed to “Extra!” that she is pregnant, the couple expecting the baby this Summer (that’s Hilaria’s) . . . Vivienne Jolie-Pitt is making $3,000-a-week co-starring in mommy’s new movie “Maleficent” – and she’s only 4-years-old (not to make you feel even further underpaid or anything) . . . BBC America has cancelled “The Hour”, but star Dominic West (“The Wire”) has just been signed to play Richard Burton opposite Helena Bonham Carter’s Elizabeth Taylor in a new BBC4 drama about the infamous couple’s final breakup (likely a bit more credible than Lindsay Lohan’s recent foray into the role) . . . And France’s highest cultural honor, Commander Of the Order of Arts & Letters, has been presented this week to actor Bruce Willis, whose latest claim-to-fame is milking the “Die Hard” franchise one more time (proving just how prestigious this award actually isn’t).

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – Female contestants try to make it to the semifinals; the top 40 contestants are revealed.
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – The Vaccines (“What Did You Expect From The Vaccines?”).
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Josh Groban (“All That Echoes”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Josh Groban again.
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Local Natives (“Hummingbird”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Dave Grohl & The Sound City Players (a February 19th gig for his all-star band at The Forum in London has just been announced).
• “Marilyn Denis Show” (CTV/CTV2) – Matt Dusk (“My Funny Valentine: The Chet Baker Songbook”).
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Classic rock veteran Eric Burdon (“‘Til Your River Runs Dry”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/CTV2) – Colbie Caillat (“All of You”); Gavin DeGraw (“Sweeter”).
• “Zero Hour” (ABC) – Pilot of a new series that revolves around a bizarre twist of fate that pulls the editor of a skeptics magazine into a compelling conspiracy. Stars Henry Kelemen.

• Adele – She tells “Billboard” progress on an as-yet-untitled 3rd album is slow, with more meetings than music so far. She says she’ll definitely touch base with Paul Epworth, who produced and co-wrote several tracks for her smash 2011 album “21”.
• Backstreet Boys – They’ve given approval for a ‘tell-all’ documentary about their 20-year career, which will likely be timed to coincide with a new album that’s in the works. They are currently in-studio working on the recording.
• Bruno Mars – He’s announced his upcoming “Moonshine Jungle” world tour on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”. While no specific dates have been announced, the North American leg of the trek will happen this Summer, the European leg this Fall.
• Chris Brown – Bryan Norwood, the Richmond VA police chief who allegedly helped him fake his community service commitment has resigned, the city’s mayor confirming a ‘mutual agreement’ has been reached.
• Frank Ocean – Less than a year after releasing “Channel Orange”, he’s hard at work on his sophomore album. He says he’s taking his time with it and also confirms he’ll embark on another tour in the coming months.
• Lady Gaga – She’s postponed concerts this week in Chicago IL (tonight), Detroit MI (Saturday), and Hamilton ON (Sunday) due to severe joint inflammation that’s left her unable to walk. The “Born This Way Ball” is expected to resume with a 2-night stand in Philadelphia PA on February 19-20.
• Muse – After tying the record last week, their single “Madness’ now stands alone as the longest-running #1 song on the ‘Billboard Alternative Songs’ airplay chart. It’s spent 19 straight weeks at #1.
• Ne-Yo – He says there’s a chance he may become a judge on “The X Factor” (FOX), filling one of the slots vacated by Britney Spears and LA Reid. He’s already been on the UK edition of the show and has previously appeared as a mentor on NBC-TV’s “The Voice”.
• The Ramones – Today through February 21st the record collection of the late Joey Ramone is up for auction online, along with a selection of the late punk rocker’s clothes, glasses, his passport, handwritten lyrics and even his Rolodex. Ramone died of lymphoma in 2001.
• The Wanted – Max George tells “E! News” his relationship with Lindsay Lohan wasn’t strictly platonic, admitting they actually ‘snogged’.

Opening just in time for Valentines Day …
• “A Good Day to Die Hard” ( R-Rated Action Thriller ): In this 5th entry in the popular 25-year-old franchise, ‘John McClane’ (Bruce Willis) travels to Russia to help out his son, who turns out to be a CIA operative working to prevent a nuclear-weapons heist. Co-stars Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch, Mary Elizabeth Winstead. Shot in Budapest, Hungary.
• “Beautiful Creatures” ( PG-13 Fantasy ): Based on the 4-book series by Kami Garcia & Margaret Stohl, the story follows the adventures of ‘Ethan Wate’ and ‘Lena Duchannes’, who uncover dark secrets about their respective families, their history, and their Southern town. Stars Alden Ehrenreich, Alice Englert, Viola Davis, Emma Thompson, Jeremy Irons.
• “Safe Haven” ( PG-13 Mystery Romance ): Julianne Hough stars as a young woman with a mysterious past who lands in Southport, North Carolina where her bond with a widower forces her to confront the dark secret that haunts her. Co-stars Josh Duhamel, Cobie Smulders, David Lyons. Based on the Nicholas Sparks novel.

After years of research, the FDA is about to approve the 1st bionic eye ever for sale in North America. The retinal prosthesis is able to restore partial sight to people suffering from retinitis pigmentosa, a genetic disorder that leads to blindness. The ‘Argus II Retinal Prosthesis System’ developed by Second Sight Medical Products has already helped recover sight for over 60 people in Europe and it won’t be long before it becomes more widely available. (Keep an eye out for it!)

• Lovers of the unusual are getting another chance to impress their Valentines this year in New York City. The city’s Department of Environmental Protection is again offering Valentines Day tours of … the Newtown Creek Sewage Treatment Plant in Brooklyn. The DEP says it’s offering 3 tours this year due to ‘overwhelming demand’. Not to be judgmental, but it seems a lot of people don’t mind crappy dates.
• The village of Sunderbari, India has banned women from using mobile phones, saying the devices have led to an increase in … elopements. Local women now face fines of up to 10,000 rupees ($180) if caught using a phone in public. The village council has agreed that cellphones are ‘debasing the social atmosphere’, pointing out that even married women have been deserting their husbands to elope with lovers. And it can all be blamed on phones!
– “Times of London”
• A Manchester, England supermarket security guard has moved to Africa to live in the jungle …. as a real-life Tarzan. He became obsessed with Tarzan while living in Namibia as a young boy. Now the 24-year-old spends 3 nights a week alone in the bush, swinging through trees and eating insects while capturing all his antics on camera (hoping that Hollywood scouts sign him for a movie). The rest of his time is spent at his parents’ home in George, South Africa.

It seems teens can’t get enough of texting while they’re awake; they’re now apparently texting unconsciously in the middle of the night. It’s like sleepwalking, but potentially more amusing. Villanova University nursing professor Elizabeth Dowdell says it’s becoming more common for teens to answer a text while still sleeping, and when they awaken they have no memory of it. Studies show that the typical sleep-texting teen may respond in either real words or nonsensical gibberish. (So … not much different from when they’re awake then.)

People in Ireland and the UK have been scandalized of late by revelations some beef products (such as frozen beef lasagna) have actually been made with horse meat. It seems consumers may have been duped into dining on horse for up to a year and only DNA testing uncovered the secret. This leads one to ask: What does horse meat taste like? Those in the know say it’s somewhat sweet, a little gamey, a cross between beef and venison. Meat from younger horses tends to be pinkish, while older horses have a darker, reddish-colored meat. (Why do we get so grossed out? It’s popular in many different cultures. Pass the hoof, please.)

As was customary for female Egyptian leaders, Queen Cleopatra (who wasn’t even an Egyptian) wore a fake beard to perform her official royal duties. Antony must have loved that!
– “Disney Adventures”


1942 [71] Michael Bloomberg, Boston MA, NYC mayor since 2002, elected an unprecedented 3 terms/media mogul (Bloomberg News)/estimated net worth of $19.5 billion

1948 [65] (Raymond) Teller, Philadelphia PA, Las Vegas magician who has legally reduced his name to one word (the shorter, less obnoxious half of Penn & Teller)

1960 [53] Meg Tilly, Long Beach CA [raised Texada Island BC], TV actress (‘Lorna Corbett’ on “Bomb Girls” since 2012)/movie actress (“Agnes of God”, “The Big Chill”)/younger sister of actress Jennifer Tilly

1970 [43] Simon Pegg (Beckingham), Brockworth UK, movie actor (“Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol”, “The Adventures of Tintin”)

1972 [41] Rob Thomas, Landstuhl Military Base, Germany, pop singer (“Lonely No More”, 3 Grammy Awards w/Santana-“Smooth”, Matchbox 20-“Push”, “3 AM”)

1987 [26] Tom Pyatt, Thunder Bay ON, NHL center (Tampa Bay Lightning)/son of former NHL player Nelson Pyatt/brother of NY Rangers forward Taylor Pyatt

1989 [24] Brandon Sutter, Huntington NY, NHL center (Pittsburgh Penguins)/son of former Calgary Flames coach Brent Sutter

• “Call In Single Day”, when those not celebrating Valentines are encouraged to take a day off work and set aside some time for themselves. After all, nobody can love you like you. Similarly, it’s “International Quirky Alone Day”, a reminder to value yourself, develop your individuality, and celebrate the possibilities available to single people today.

• “Donor Day”, the 15th annual observance encouraging us to fill out an organ & tissue donation card and also to donate blood. You could save a life! How appropriate that it’s on the day when we give hearts.

• “Have-A-Heart Day”, when vegetarians encourage you to quit eating animals. (So go kill a carrot today!)

• “Pet Theft Awareness Day”, promoting awareness of the need for pet protection in public places. (Go ahead … just try and steal my pitbull!)

• “Valentines Day”, the most widely celebrated unofficial holiday. A few interesting facts …
– The Catholic Church recognizes at least 3 different saints named Valentine, all of whom were martyred, one for performing secret weddings for young lovers.
– Pope Gelasius declared February 14th “St Valentine’s Day” around 498 AD, in part to replace the ancient Roman fertility festival “Lupercalia”.
– About 1 billion Valentine cards are exchanged, making it the 3rd largest card-sending occasion after Christmas and Fathers Day. It’s also the 4th-biggest flower-selling occasion.
– Teachers receive the most Valentines Day cards, followed by school children, mothers, wives, and then … sweethearts.

2011 [02] TV game show “Jeopardy!” begins a series pitting human players Brad Rutter and Ken Jennings against an IBM computer named ‘Watson’, which eventually wins over 3 times as much money

2006 [07] Willie Nelson releases the song “Cowboys are Secretly, Frequently (Fond of Each Other)” on Valentines Day

2000 [13] After keeping his remains in a cardboard box for years, Blessed John Duns Scotus Church in Glasgow, Scotland puts the bones of St Valentine on display (other European churches also claim to have Valentine relics … they should get together and build a complete saint!)

1415 [598] ‘Oldest Known Valentine’ is sent by the Duke of Orleans to his French wife while he’s imprisoned in the Tower of London (still on display at the British Museum)

[Fri] “Escape from Planet Earth” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] 2013 NBA All-Star Celebrity Game (Houston)
[Fri] National Flag of Canada Day
[Sat] “Beyoncé: Life Is But a Dream” documentary premieres (HBO)
[Sat] London Fashion Week begins (UK)
[Sun] NBA All-Star Game (Houston)
This Week Is … Celebration of Love Week
This Month Is … Cat Health Month


✗ He takes you to some joint called Outbreak Steakhouse.
✗ She tells your cabbie she isn’t wearing any underwear. Then the maitre d’. Then the waiter.
✗ He’s hired 3 naked kids with little bows & arrows to ‘set the mood’.
✗ Her eyes say ‘Yes’ … but her probation officer says ‘No’.
✗ The fur coat he gives you is made entirely out of his own back hair.
✗ You go for a moonlit walk on the beach, and she’s using a metal detector.
✗ During dinner, he keeps using his toupée to wipe clam sauce off his chin.
✗ Her ponderous 3 words-per-minute sexting means you spend most of the night staring at your screen.

I find that one of the most handy, helpful, useful, beneficial, advantageous, valuable items I have is a thesaurus.

☎ What’s the name of your pet and why?

Who the heck was ‘Cupid’ anyway?
a. The Greek god of lust.
b. The Roman god of carnal love. [CORRECT]
c. The Medieval angel of mercy.

Question: The average woman now owns 34 of THESE, about 3 times as many as in 1999.
Answer: Pairs of undies.

You can always get someone to love you … even if you have to do it yourself.

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