Wednesday, February 19, 2014        Edition: #5162

Don’t Forget to Renew Your Subscription or You’ll Be Sheet Outta Luck!

★ Selena Gomez is hitting the bottle after bailing from rehab just weeks ago, as proven by a selfie posted on Instagram. Selena checked into The Meadows last month to rid herself of alcohol, weed, Ambien … and Justin Bieber. She bailed 2 weeks into the 45-day program to go to Sundance, then decided she was cured and didn’t return. Selena’s rep claims she has no problems handling liquor, but when you’re calling your cocktails ‘dessert before dinner’ you may wanna think about the next 12 steps.
★ 27-year-old “Twilight” actor Robert Pattinson doesn’t want to be famous anymore, according to a friend who says R-Pat wants to move behind the camera. The very private movie star who shot to fame along with his co-star and former girlfriend, Kristen Stewart, is growing tired of the constant adoration from millions of fans, says the source. So now the British-born actor is said to be looking at a whole new approach to his future and is even considering going to theater school to focus more on making films than acting in them.
★ “Scrubs” creator Bill Lawrence is in the early stages of developing a musical based on his TV medical sitcom. The comedy starring Zach Braff and Donald Faison ran for nearly a decade (2001-10), though Braff isn’t expected to appear in the stage adaptation. Lawrence says he is planning to incorporate modern songs, following the same route as other musicals which have been inspired by movies or books.
– “Entertainment Weekly”
★ Just 4 days ago, Simon Cowell’s girlfriend Lauren Silverman gave birth to their son Eric. You’d think the 36-year-old new mom would have been bedbound for a few days to recover from the birth, but Lauren was out and about in NYC on Monday already and you wouldn’t even be able to tell that she’d just had a baby. Sporting a pair of slim leg leather trousers, Lauren looked in fabulous shape and even better spirits as she shopped for baby clothes.
★ And the term ‘selfie’ just got whole new meaning thanks to veteran TV personality Barbara Walters. The 84-year-old has announced she’s going steady these days … with her vibrator. And she’s admitted to her pals on “The View” that her nickname for her fabulously functional Friday night friend is … ‘Selfie’. Seems Barbara Walters is way more in touch with herself than we ever cared to know.
– E! News

• “American Idol” (FOX/CTV) – The male singers perform.
• “Arsenio Hall” (syndicated) – TGT (“Three Kings”); Tyrese (“Black Rose”).
• “BRIT Awards” (ITV) – The 2014 UK music awards from London’s O2 Arena. Alt-rockers Bastille and electronic duo Disclosure lead nominees with 4 apiece, ahead of dance act Rudimental and singer-songwriter Ellie Goulding with 3 each. Geezer rocker David Bowie (67) is up for ‘Male British Artist Of the Year’ and ‘Album Of the Year’. Performers include Arctic Monkeys, Bruno Mars, Disclosure, Katy Perry, Lorde, and Pharrell Williams. It’s the first time the ceremony is streaming live online outside the UK.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/CTV2) – Lionel Richie (“Tuskegee”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Switchfoot (“Fading West”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni1) – Little Dragon (“Ritual Reunion”).
• “Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV2) – Tim McGraw (“Love Story”).
• “Winter Olympics” (CBC/NBC) – Figure Skating: Women’s Short Program; Men’s Hockey Quarter-Finals.

• AC/DC – They plan to enter the studio this Spring to start working on a new album, as the venerable Australian rockers are celebrating their 40th anniversary in 2014.
• Aloe Blacc – The singer-songwriter-rapper-musician was born Egbert Dawkins III in Southern California’s Orange County to Panamanian parents. Growing up in Laguna Hills, he began playing a rented trumpet in 3rd grade.
• Avicii – The Swedish DJ, remixer, and record producer was born Tim Bergling in Stockholm. He ranked #3 on the annual top 100 DJs listing in “DJ Magazine” in 2012 and again in 2013.
• Bastille – The name of the English rock band derives from “Bastille Day”, an event in France that’s celebrated on frontman Daniel Smith’s birthday, July 14th.
• Jason Aldean – He’s added a 2nd “Burn It Down Tour” stadium date to his list of sell-outs as fans snatched up every ticket to his July 18th show at Cleveland Indians Progressive Field in a matter of minutes.
• Taylor Swift – After spending much of 2013 headlining sold-out stadiums and arenas in North America, Australia, and New Zealand, it seems she’s now set on conquering southeast Asia. At least 5 shows are now set for the area, beginning June 4th in Jakarta, Indonesia.

Why don’t we take getaways? Some of the reasons cited in a poll on the topic …
• Problems coordinating plans with family and partners (22%).
• Prefer receiving money for unused time (18%).
• Concerns about being able to afford a trip (16%).
• Poor planning (15%).
• Difficulty in getting away from work (11%).

A statistical look at who we are and the things we do …
• 79% of adults admit they have not been to a library in over 10 years.
• 75% of us drive to work each day alone.
• 60% of small dogs sleep in their owners’ beds.
• 50% of polled employees say they’ve had a sexual encounter at their workplace.
• 28% of singles say a wedding is the best place to meet a potential partner.
• 23% of Internet users admit they’ve pretended to be the opposite gender online at least once.

If you want the kids to get good math scores, start them early. A recent Duke University study indicates that an infant’s sense of numbers at 6 months is a reliable predictor of how proficient that child will be at math later in life. The study initially focused on a group of 6-month-olds, then followed up with the same kids when they were 3-and-a-half. The results: Those kids with a stronger number sense as babies performed far better on math tests later. (“OK Liam, that’s 3 poopy diapers already today. Can you say ‘three’?”)

✓ Avoid windshield frost. Slice a raw onion in half and rub it against the windshield of your car. It helps prevent frost from forming overnight.
✓ Clean rusty knives. Jab a dirty knife into a large raw onion and – presto! – no more rust!
✓ Soothe a sore throat. Whip up a batch of onion tea to soothe a sore throat. To make, boil a cup of water with the peels of half-an-onion.
✓ Keep unwanted animals out of your yard. Raccoons, chipmunks, even the neighbor’s cats will no longer step foot onto your property if you sprinkle onion slices around the yard or garden.
✓ Soothe a burn. Rub an onion on top of a burn to temporarily relieve pain. Bonus: Onions also have antibacterial properties to keep the wound from becoming infected.
✓ Polish metal. Crush up a raw onion and combine it with equal parts water. Using a damp cloth, rub the mixture on metal surfaces like faucets or fixtures until they’re shiny and clean.
✓ Soak up the smell of burned rice. Want to get rid of that smoky smell? Place half-an-onion next to the stove and it will absorb it.

Here’s a good argument starter: A new listing of how much you should be shelling out in gratuities to ‘the help’, according to one source …
Sitdown meal: 15-20%
Buffet meal: 10%
Home delivery: 10-15%
Bartender: $1-2 a drink
Toilet attendant: 50c-$3
Valet: $2-5
Doorman: $1-4 for luggage, $1-2 for hailing a cab (add a $1 in the rain)
Hotel housekeeper: $2-5 a day
Taxi: 15-20%
Hair/Facial/Massage/Manicure: 15-20%
– Emily Post Institute

Despite what the movies tell us, any aliens that visit Earth probably won’t want to enslave or vaporize us, according to veteran ET tracker Jill Tarter. In fact, the retired director of the Center for SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) says science-fiction is likely far from reality in its depiction of Earth-contacting extraterrestrials. How so? If aliens were able to visit Earth, that would mean they would have technological capabilities sophisticated enough not to need slaves, food, or anything else from other planets. (What if they’re after our cinnamon buns?)

New terms leaking into our lingo …
• ‘Attention Theft’ – The intrusion on a person’s attention by unwanted and unauthorized text, sounds, or images. (“I was not able to complete my essay assignment due to attention theft from “Orange Is the New Black”. A marathon of episodes kept appearing on my iPad.”)
• ‘deLycrafy’ – A new movement to take the Lycra out of cycling, thereby severing its association with Lycra-clad males and making it more mainstream. In London, for instance, the target is to double cycling in the next 10 years and to de-lycra-fy it to encourage those who don’t cycle to do so.
• ‘Phytonugget’ – A small filament of gold that collects in the leaf of a tree that grows over a gold deposit. Its dimensions are roughly half the thickness of a human hair. (May not be worth much but it flouts the old saying that money doesn’t grow on trees.)

In English, that little ‘a’ with a circle surrounding it that means ‘at’ in email and Twitter addresses is most commonly referred to simply as the ‘at symbol’ or ‘atmark’ because there’s no official name. Other languages are more imaginative …
✓ Czech Republic – ‘zavinac’, rolled pickled herring.
✓ France – ‘petit escargot’, little snail.
✓ Finland – a mouse’s tail.
✓ Germany – ‘klammerraffe’, clinging monkey.
✓ Greece – a little duck.
✓ Hungary – ‘kukatsz’, or little worm.
✓ Israel – a strudel.
✓ Italy – ‘chiocciola’, a snail.
✓ Russia – a dog.
✓ Sweden – ‘snabel-a’, an ‘a’ with an elephant’s trunk.
(We need a better English word! An ‘atpersand’? An ‘e-snail’?)
– “The Guardian”

White round plates give us the perception that food tastes better.
– Magazine Monitor


1955 [59] Jeff Daniels, Athens GA, movie actor (“Good Night, and Good Luck”, “Dumb & Dumber”)  COMING UP: “Dumb & Dumber To”, opening November 14th.

1960 [54] Prince Andrew (Andrew Albert Christian Edward Windsor), London UK, Britain’s Duke of York/son of Queen Elizabeth II/Prince Charles’ little brother/single-digit handicap golfer

1963 [51] Seal (Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adelo Samuel), London UK, pop singer (“Kiss From a Rose”, “Crazy”)/married to model Heidi Klum 2005-12

1967 [47] Benicio Del Toro, Santurce, Puerto Rico, movie actor (“Ché”, Oscar-“Traffic”)  UP NEXT: “Guardians Of the Galaxy”, opening August 1st.

1975 [39] Daniel Adair, Vancouver BC, pop-rock drummer (Nickelback-“Hare & Now”, ex-3 Doors Down-“Seventeen Days”)

• “Chocolate Mint Day”, a celebration of one of the all-time great flavor pairings.

• “Pisces” astrology sign begins. People born under the sign are said to be compassionate, adaptable, accepting, devoted, and imaginative. On the downside, they can also be oversensitive, indecisive, self-pitying, lazy, and escapist. Bottom line: They need other people to keep them grounded and on the right track.

• “Temporary Insanity Day”. Some of us would like to see this observance occur more frequently in order to explain our actions.

2010 [04] In a televised news conference, world’s #1 golfer Tiger Woods apologizes for his many, many extramarital affairs (anything to hang on to his dwindling endorsements)

1974 [40] 1st “American Music Awards” (a Dick Clark production)

1981 [33] 1st scientific report about atmospheric warming caused by pollution, dubbed the ‘Greenhouse Effect’ or ‘Global Warming’

[Thurs] Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day
[Thurs] Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
[Thurs] Great American Spit Out (Through With The Chew Week)
[Fri] “Pompeii”; “3 Days to Kill” open in movie theaters
[Fri] International Mother Language Day
[Sat] International Sword Swallowers Day
[Sat] Margarita Day
This Week Is … Pay Your Bills Week
This Month Is … Marijuana Awareness Month


● They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
● This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about at that Time Management Course you sent me to.
● I’m just testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
● Oops, thought you were gone for the day, boss.
● I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.
● I’m in the Management Training Program.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

● How many squares does a chess board have? (65 in total. 64 small ones, plus the entire board is square.)
● How many times can you subtract 5 from 25? (Once. After that, it isn’t 25 anymore.)
● Before Mt Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth? (Mt Everest.)

☎ What’s your guilty pleasure, the thing you’re too embarrassed to admit you enjoy?

Question: According to a survey, 50% of bar fights start because of THIS.
Answer: Money.

The surest sign intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

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